Sunday, September 18, 2011

Maybe Momentous Birthdays...

Yesterday's sunrise was pretty stunning, wouldn't you say?

I SO don't have time to write this post... I am sitting in a football jersey and nothing else, with my hair in a ponytail - and my fella is picking me up in an hour and a half - I gotta get in the tub and get myself ready.

So, I am two months away from my 60th birthday.  Somehow I thought this wasn't going to bother me.  But I think I am feeling the effects.  Not in the ways I might have expected.  More in ancient hurts and regrets than in worries about the mirror or the 401k, etc.

Yesterday I had the Nebraska game on while I was doing my housework.  I heard that the coach and several players hailed from Cardinal Mooney High School in Youngstown, Ohio.  Honestly, I sat down and wept.  I just cried.  I am crying right now just thinking about it.  I grew up with that being my dream, my goal, my life's ambition.  I got to go to that school (in 1965) for 8 months before my parents moved and I had to go with them.  I still remember my navy blue uniform and all my little cardigans with matching knee socks, my Bass Weejuns, my ability to go to daily Mass on my way to class.  The weekly football games, the friends I had known all the way from first grade, etc.  The roots. Being where I belonged.

But in April of my freshman year, I moved to a suburb of Chicago.  I had to go to a public school because all of the Catholic schools were full.  Can you say Culture Shock?  It only took me a couple of months to add alcohol to this mix and then we were off to the races.

In 1999, I went back to Youngstown Ohio to visit my old friends.  We walked through Cardinal Mooney High School.  It broke my heart all over again.  When I heard my friends talk about their trip to Europe and their this and that, I thought - wow, this could have been my life.  I could have told them about my stint in the home for unwed mothers, but thought that wouldn't really fit.

So many things happen in life.  I have spent so little time looking back.  It is so useless to regret.

But yesterday it really smacked me.

Thank God for a sponsee who needed to come and see me yesterday afternoon.  We had a lovely visit. She brought me the most wonderful gift from Amsterdam - I will take a photo later this week.  I am sure you will be as surprised as I was!

Have a wonderful sober day everyone.  I will ask God to help me not to spend too much time in regret, and I bet he'll help you too!


susanm said...

Our past has become our greatest asset.xoxo

Syd said...

I am starting to feel a bit old myself. I am physically a bit more creaky. And there are so many people that I am around who are in their 30's. But I know so well that I cannot undo the past. I can make the future better by doing my best today.

I cannot resist--the boyfriend might really like the football jersey outfit.

dAAve said...

I don't think that looking back has to mean regret.
History is history.

Have fun today!!!

Lou said...

Beautiful post. I get it. Why are we made to feel it's not OK to cry about the past? Or to cry at all..

I always thought crying was God's way of letting us wash away some hurt.

Anonymous said...

I totally get it, Mary. I had to move in sophmore, junior and senior year and then never graduated until I was in my thirties. I guess it all worked out the way it was supposed to, but I still regret that I have no friends from school that remember me, no reunion etc. Not trying to top your story nor minimalize it. Just want you to know that I totally understand. <3

Steve E said...

Thank you for making time to write this post. I was age 18 and a full-fledged alcoholic when you were born. (I don't regret a single breath--well, that's not true.)

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I've been reading backward for a few posts because I haven't had time to check in for a while.

I'm so grateful for your honesty. I'm grateful for your steadfastness.

I'm grateful that you share with all of us in bloggerland exactly what it's like now too, as well as what it was like and what keeps happening :)