Last day of my 50s.

I woke up and thought about the decades this morning.

• When I was turning 10, I was a young pre-alcoholic - a drunk before the magic of the first drink.
• When I was turning 20, I was a young drunk.  
• When I was turning 30, I was a wife and mother and drunk - and a new runner.  I was so excited to run 3 miles on the morning of my 30th birthday.  
• When I was turning 40, I was sober 7 years and happy as can be to be turning 40.  I spent the night of my birthday at an AA dance.  It was delightful.  
• When I was turning 50, I was sober 17 years, lived right here in this house, and worked right where I will work today. I had a new boyfriend who I loved (and later got drunk and never got sober again).  I had a huge party and it was awesome.  I had just gotten my master's degree and a new promotion and the world appeared to be my oyster.

The world is different to me now.  I am older.  I have lived in the same house for 10 years (with not much appreciable increase in equity).  I have worked at the same place for over 17 years, in the same job for 10 years.  I have had 2 fiances in the last ten years, but never married.  It will be work for me to keep my perspective positive tomorrow.  But I will do the work and hopefully reap the rewards.

I had planned to take my kids and grandkids out for dinner.  My daughter told me yesterday that my older grandkids can't come.  I nearly cried.  I have planned this for 2 months.  I have verified and verified that they can all come.  But two days before the event, they can't come.  I wanted to have a self-righteous fit.  This is my ex-husband's fault!  He has custody of the older kids, the offspring of my addict/alcoholic daughter.  And believe me, it really is his fault.  But how much energy am I willing to spend on that?  Probably not much.  So, I have arranged to move my dinner to Friday night and my boyfriend stepped right up and is taking me out for dinner on my birthday.  Which will be just wonderful.  

But let me be didactic for a moment and let you know that my inclination was to say "screw you all, I'm not taking you out for dinner at all, I'd rather go to McDonald's alone."  Hopefully I have learned to stop cutting off my nose to spite my face.  Or as Dave would say "Would I rather be right or be happy?"  I am choosing to be happy.

And an update from yesterday:  I called my fella last night and asked him if his offer to take me to my MRI appointment was still good.  He said yes, and I said "Thank you, I would love it if you would take me."  And I told him I have independence down to a fault.  He said "I understand, I have the same disease."  Bless his heart.  

Also, there is something exciting in my job world.  Things may be changing soon!  I am very excited and hopeful.  But man, what a change it will be!  God's will, not mine, be done.  

Thank you bloggers for being such a big part of my life.  I really appreciate you.  (Especially Pammie's new term, "web-balls.")

"I fear only one thing - to keep my own will."  -- St. Therese Lisieux