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| The doll I found - after searching at many, many stores |
I managed to get to the pool this morning and swim 1 kilometer. I am working my way up to one mile. I can't run 6 miles on my 60th birthday, so I will swim 60 lengths of the pool - for a total of 1500 meters, or .93 miles. It doesn't feel or sound as wonderful as 6 miles, but it is what I have to work with. And if there is one thing I have learned in AA, it is how to work with what I have, play the ball where it lays, etc.
I need help here - I am actually asking for advice - and then I will probably get annoyed with the advice I get - but here goes. My boyfriend urged me very strongly over the weekend to schedule the MRI for my foot and get this taken care of. I have a triathlon in June and I need to be fit in time for that. So, I called yesterday and scheduled an MRI for 6:45 a.m. on Sunday morning. I texted my guy with that news - he texted back "good for you!" Last night, he called and asked me if I wanted him to take me to the MRI. I hemmed and hawed and finally said - oh, it is so early in the morning - he said "I'll be up anyway..." I said I will think about it. I am not used to having a romantic type man want to help me and I am having a hard time being comfortable with it. I guess I should call him and tell him "Thank you, I would LOVE for you to take me to the hospital for my MRI." But my stomach kind of turns when I think of that.
Here is where I think I can't "trust my gut." My gut has years of maladaptive behavior - that it is perfectly comfortable with. My gut freaks out when I do something new and perhaps healthier. Is seems like it would be healthier to let someone who cares about me help me. But my nature screams "NO! Don't Do It!"
Let me hasten to tell you that I have no problem calling my AA friends for help with all manner of things. I call my sponsor many times each week - practically every day. I am good at asking for that kind of help.
I just have such a bad history with men that I really have no "gut" for what a healthy romantic relationship should feel like.
What's this got to do with sobriety? you may ask.... Here is what. I once heard an old sage say there are two things that people get drunk over - "romance and finance." I have found that to be true. I am not likely to get drunk over this, but it is confounding to me. I like to think I am pretty smart, but I think my 11 year old granddaughter would have more sense about dating than I do.
So, I have asked for advice... have at it. And I'll try not to argue or complain. (try)
And I will pray, because if I know anything it is this:
"Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 181
22 comments:
He is offering to go along because he knows you find it unpleasant. That is what people who care about each other do. I think you should take his being "nice" at face value.
I am only 11 months into my Al-Anon recovery (husband is active in his disease) and can relate to what you said about "no "gut" for what a healthy romantic relationship should feel like." It is one of the things I am working on in my recovery. With that said, my reaction to your situation is to say, "Of course, you should accepted this generous and loving offer of help." Keep in mind, that is my pattern of thinking: accepting any offer of kindness, even to my ultimate detriment. I have no advice for you. I can only offer my perspective as someone who is learning that not all offers of kindness should be accepted. Yet, some offers should not be rejected because they are true acts of kindness. Knowing the difference is a life long lesson.
Oh my goodness! I didn't mean to suggest that I mistrust him or his intentions. He is a good guy - for reals. I just don't have a whole lot of experience with good guys.
Let him take you.
Why would you deny a friend (romantic or otherwise) the opportunity to be of service.
But then, what do I know? LOL
what dAAve said!
AH! Now I must break my silence in the reading of your wonderful blog--because you ASKED! lol
Sometimes--allowing someone to help you is the right thing to do because of the benefit it offers to them, the giver.
I think you should let him. But then, I'm not exactly great shakes with romance. But if I were the guy involved, and I'd offered, and you didn't want me to, I'd be curious as to what you thought I was for, in my role as boyfriend. I'd take it to mean there was serious thought on your part that 'boyfriend' isn't how you think of me.
I think letting him be there for you could be a start in rewiring your gut.
I'm guessing that telling him of your internal struggle about accepting his offer would be part of your relationship and could be an opportunity to take the relationship even deeper.
Could you see it as an opportunity to step towards having an emotionally healthier relationship? A gift presented presented to you the week you turn 60? What better time to learn than now?
I appreciate your honesty in this post MC. We all have those "NO! Don't Do It!" areas in our lives although I sometimes think I'm the only one.
I have missed so much because my gut wants me to stay in fear mode.
I think it would help to frame it in a human helping another human. I consider myself very 'strong' & 'self-reliant' and am always MUCH more grateful when having to go to a hospital to have someone there with me. He's offering out of kindness, accept it
For goodness sake. Allow someone to help you. What does that say about us if we can only help others and not be vulnearble to accept help ourselves. To accept help allows for a kind of humility that is necessary to experience. Self sufficiency works against a reliance on God.
In my personal experience, I have had such a hard time trusting that if you are nice once, you won't be mean the next time. I also have had a hard time believing that I could count on anyone other than myself. Then there is the thoughts of what I deserve as far as care and nurturing go. With that said, I KNOW that I have alienated people who love me, who have wanted to care for me, and eventually they gave up. I didn't know how to, was in capable of, receiving their offers of love and care. My 27 year marriage to this day bears the scars of those fear driven choices. Let him take you is my advice. Let him love you as much as he wants and is able to. Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all....or something like that. ((HUG))
(1) middles aged fat people should be on the news team
(2) 60 lengths is an AWESOME goal!!
(3) he is offering his support because he WANTS to. How you accept that support is your choice.
xoxo
I have learned to ask for what I need--probably one of the hardest thing that I ever did. And I have learned to accept help from others when offered. For so long, I thought that I needed to be strong and not put others out. That is what alcoholism did to me. It made me feel as if I didn't deserve anything better from anyone. He sounds as if he really cares about you. Stepping through the fear of rejection and not being good enough is true growth. That is what my experience has been.
One question. Is he a doctor?
I'd give him a chance to help you. I do understand the fear though.
I don't have an opinion because I would rather do these sorts of things alone. I would fret about him sitting in the lobby with nothing to do.
You should do what you are comfy with.
Your awesomeness will probably overload the machine.
All news people should wear scrubs so we are not distracted.
I have you in my prayers this morning sweet pickle relish.
Well, I sure know how you feel. I wouldn't want to impose on anyone at 6:45 a.m. But ... he said he'd be up anyway and he clearly cares enough about you to want to be with you. He also, maybe, feels a little invested in the procedure since it was his urging that tipped you over the edge and into calling for the appointment.
To answer your very first question: Candy Crowley on CNN and Lisa Myers on NBC. Everyone else needs a wardrobe check.
Debbi, I almost noted Candy Crowley as an exception. I love her because she is older than I am! And probably heavier. And professional and knowledgeable. (But I didn't want to come up on google for Candy Crowley.)
I love the saying regarding romance and finance leads to "slips" I think there's wisdom there.
I'm hesitant to offer "advice", especially on a blog. But since ya asked :-)
As for your concerns about letting others help you, and asking for help... I think that's a difficulty many alcoholics share. I suppose pride is involved to some extent, and possibly a healthy fear of being hurt or taken advantage of.
But, I believe (and it's been my experience) that letting ourselves be loved and cared for is almost always as important (and often more difficult) as trying to be selfless and care for others.
He's not offering to buy you a car or pay off your debt, and he hasn't asked to move into your home. So, maybe this is a safe step you can take to push yourself just a little bit and let him in?
Pray and meditate, trust what you know to be true and examine your motives :-)
God Bless!
Lots of sound advice here before me. I second the "accept help" and allow yourself to be loved. That's really hard for me and after 25 years with my husband some of it is finally starting to stick. He helps me because it is to both our benefits-a hard lesson to internalize for me.
Hope all is well and the MRI allows access to the problem and room for a fix.
Would you like him to be there :) ? Or not? Realistically.
Your choices are a smiling yes please or a smiling thank you but no.
Not that I have mastered decision making in my own life! I'll remember my suggestion next time I have to make one.
Good luck.
p.s. Good luck with the MRI I mean.
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