Reality

Let me just tell you, if you are looking for someone to candy-coat their life to make it sound good, you are in the wrong place.  If you are looking for distant commentary on what others are doing wrong, picking on people, laughing at the expense of others, you are in the wrong place.

If you want to read about a woman who is staying sober, one day at a time in Alcoholics Anonymous, through the ups and downs of life, and trying to live by spiritual principles in a sometimes treacherous world, keep it right here.   As someone said at the meeting where I celebrated 24 years of continuous sobriety "if you don't want to know what Mary thinks, don't ask her."  I would extend that out to - if you don't want to read about what is going on with me, don't read this blog.

My life is not always a pretty little bowl of cherries.  Most of the time it is.  I am a person who is supporting myself through my own contributions.  I don't have a husband, anyone else (including Uncle Sam) who is supporting me, or an inheritance.  That means I work for a living.  Every single day.  I have a very challenging job.  Sometimes it is more difficult than others.  This is a difficult time.  I also have a very full plate of other activities.  Most of the time this does not feel burdensome, right now it does.  I have a deadline that I pray I meet on Friday.  After Friday things should be calmer.  

I have begun to think that I need to either retire (which I cannot afford to do, and losing 1% of my 401k yesterday didn't help) or find another job.  The challenging times at work have been getting a lot closer together.  My ability to handle them seems to be growing thin.   I am normally a person who is very very good at the big big challenges, not so good in the daily grind (I think this is an alcoholic trait).  In June 2007, there were several events at work that have set off a cascade of regulatory scrutiny, I expected a year of it, but it continues, and there is no end in sight.  The pressure is nearly unbearable.  I can handle this sporadically, but not constantly for over a year...

Heeding the advice of my sponsor, I left my homegroup in August.  If you don't know what the heartbreak of this is, keep coming back.  That group was family to me.  I have moved on and found another group, but this is a huge loss and I feel very sad about it.  

I am also mourning the loss of AA as I know it.  I look around and see very little evidence of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as I thought it was.  I see something entirely different.  We used to care about each other.  We used to actually know each other.  We used to talk with each other.  We used to care.  We used to come to Alcoholics Anonymous voluntarily and be grateful to be there.  We used to hit the doors of AA after all else failed.  We used to be pretty washed up.  Now we are nice clean shiny people who happened to have a little bit of a drinking problem... and now we take anti-depressants and we are nice happy people who go to an occasional meeting.   And we sit there and expect to be entertained by the people sharing.  I have heard people actually say that AA is cheap entertainment, where else could you get so much for a buck or two contribution?  ha ha.  Very funny.  People's lives are on the line... I don't think it is funny.  

I have written this instead of running this morning - and I think it was probably a bad decision.  

So many big days

I need a small day.  I need a day with nothing to do.  I feel bad complaining when my friends in Houston are so busy cleaning up and some still hunkered down with no power.  But still, I am ready to tear my hair out here.  

I have a medical appointment this morning so I will be late to work.  I worked on Saturday and Sunday.  This makes eight days of work in a row, with no day off scheduled until this Saturday.   I used to work like this all the time, but I used to be younger and I used to like my job a whole lot more than I do now.  

My sponsor asked me if I could add in a "fun" activity.  I don't know when.  Today I work all day and then go to my first class of the 2nd year of Biblical School tonight.  Tomorrow I work all day and then attend the board meeting of my homeowners' association.  On Wednesday, I work all day and then go to yoga.  On Thursday, I work all day and then attend a party, celebrating 85 years of a local "faith-based" home health care agency.  On Friday, I work all day and then go to yoga.  And in the midst of this, I shall attend AA meetings and run 3 times.  

Something has got to give and I will tell you, it is not going to be me.  I will cancel one or two things this week because I cannot do all this stuff.  

Sorry to be complaining.  It is just where I am today.  

Sunday Morning

It is raining and 50º outside.  I stopped at the store on my way home from church and bought the stuff to make chili.  It is now cooking.  I need to go to the hospital and do some chart audits for a few hours.  When I get home I will plant myself on the sofa and watch a Broncos game.   I am just done canning peaches.  I still have some left, but cannot muster the strength to peel one more peach.  I feel wasteful, but I have only so much energy and so much time...

So much comfort when so many people are suffering.  How I wish I could do something for my friends (and family) in Texas.  I keep checking their blogs, hoping for an update.  I pray their electricity is back on soon and they can carry on with their lives.

And I don't even worry that any of my sober friends got drunk.  I hope they had some fellowship to comfort them and that maybe they could get to a meeting or two.  But even in the absence of fellowship or meetings, we tend to stay sober in the crises of life.  Thank God.

3:32 PM MDT Update:  Scott W. just called from Waco.  He is safe and sound and comfortable there, waiting for the power to be restored to his home in Houston before he returns.  He thanks everyone for their prayers and sends his love.  

Lack of Power....

That is the dilemma in Houston apparently.  Trailboss posted a comment about a phone call from Scott, and her blog also has an update.  I got a text message from Pammie, she is fine.  Just tired and hot - without power and therefore no air conditioning.    I'm still praying...

I went to a meeting this morning and then for a 5 mile run.  I have so much to get done this weekend it is absolutely scary.  My daughter brought over a huge box of peaches.  I made a batch of jam last night and barely put a dent in the supply.  I have a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to get it done.  The peaches are very ripe.  And I have much work to do here at home and also at work.  I had intended to work all weekend.  Not getting a very good start on it, am I?

I better hit it now.

Prayers

This is a photo I took while running along the beach in Galveston, on a peaceful calm day in 2007.  This is a beach that is now being battered. 

I have often called Houston "Sober Blogging Mecca," because so many of our stellar bloggers are from Houston.  They are now  in the path of Ike.  All I can do is pray for their safety.  

They are showing the stuff that tough people are made of.  Doing what they need to do and leaving the rest to God.  Sober people, I have found, are much better able to ride out the storms, both literal and figurative.

Let's all say a prayer for our friends.

September 11, 2008

I will fly my flag today.

I will go to work today.

I have prayed for all those who lost their lives seven years ago today.

I will go to an AA meeting this morning.

And thank God that the dream that interrupted my sleep wasn't true.  I dreamed I was a young woman, still married to the father of my three children.  He was taking me to our "new home" which was a 2 bedroom apartment.  I sat in that apartment and cried for the loss of my pretty little house.  I sat in a rocking chair and wept.  And then I woke up, a happy older woman in my pretty little house.  

Grateful to be where I am today.

Home.

I am at home gratefully.  My flight was many hours late yesterday.  I got to the airport many hours early because I really had no where else to go.  I sat at that airport for so long I felt like Tom Hanks in a movie, I think it was called "The Terminal," where he was stuck in an airport for months... he was living there.  An airport is no place to live.  The overhead announcements get to be so annoying it is almost unbearable.  The hum of nerves is fatiguing.  Watching people rushing, rushing, rushing just makes you tired.   By the time the plane got there hours late because of weather on the eastern seaboard,  no one was in the mood to hear that the plane had mechanical problems.   I didn't get home until nearly 1 a.m.

I remember when flying was so glamorous.  It was really for "rich" people.  Other people drove where they needed to go.  Now I think it is so luxurious to drive somewhere.  I wish I could afford the time it takes, but I can't.  

So I am at home.  I am going to work as soon as I can get ready.  I will get to an AA meeting as soon as I can, it might be tomorrow though.

I'm beat.

Self-Promotion

Yesterday I took a walk in the early evening.  It is hot and humid and a very different place than I am used to.  I found this beautiful church and took some pictures with my cell phone.  I think I shall walk down to this church and attend mass at 12:10 this afternoon.  The conference is over at noon, I shall try to leave a minute or two early.  And this morning, I am going to run.  

I am attending this conference with a colleague who is a hopeless self-promoter.  We had dinner on Sunday night and everything she said related in some way to how much money and "stuff" she and her husband have.  She sometimes talks about her friends and mentions (not casually) their homes, and their wealth also.  I am SO not about money, it is hard to relate at all to her.  She does also talk about how competent and smart she is.  I like to think I am competent and smart too, but I really try to avoid talking about that - it is such a boring topic of conversation.  I am anxious to get back home.  

But MY shameless self-promotion?  Gosh, I would really like to have some "followers".  I signed myself up to follow a couple of others' blogs to see how it worked, and frankly I thought they would return the favor, but it did not happen.  I love they way the little follower faces look - my "other blog" has followers and that one I barely ever post on!  Please? Sign up to follow me?

Thank you.  

Next post will be from dry and cool Denver, Colorado!

Thirsty?

Have a nice $6.00 sip of water.  No thanks.  Does anyone other than me think this is just offensive?  

I traveled yesterday.  I am staying in a lovely hotel room.  I need to be downstairs for a conference at 8 a.m., which is 6 a.m. my time.  I need to rush.  I wanted to run this morning, but it is nearly 7 and still too dark to run.  So, no time for running.  

I wish I had time to go over to an AA meeting and walk around this great old city, but I am only here until tomorrow afternoon - and most of that time I shall be sitting in a conference room... might as well be anywhere else in the world.  Oh well.  This is how most of us see other cities these days.  What a pity.

Let's all stay sober no matter where we are, OK?

My Third Bloggerversary

Three years ago today I started this blog.  I did it just to have a conversation with another sober blogger who was driving me crazy on my other blog.  I didn't want to write anything about being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous on the other blog which was political (10th tradition).

I really didn't see the point in having this blog until Trudge found my blog on November 28, 2005 and spread the word.  Within a few hours I had comments!  People had put links to my blog on their blogs!  It was incredible!  Suddenly I found myself in a sober blogging fellowship.  It was much smaller then, we all pretty much knew each other, now I can't keep up with all of them.  

I have met some of you and the most surprising thing about that is that there were no surprises.   I have found that if you read a person's blog for years, you get to know that person even though you have never met.  

I have found blogging to be an incredible blessing.  Thanks to all of you.

Now I am flying off to North Carolina.  I really dislike flying.  I went to confession yesterday afternoon because to me that is how you prepare to take a trip.  What a wonderful thing confession/reconciliation is!    I will take my computer with me, so you won't have to miss a day of Mary Christine!  Have a great Sunday everyone.

Saturday Morning

I just got home from a 6:30 a.m. meeting and then breakfast.  It ended up being only me and my friend Charlie at breakfast.  Charlie has not always been my favorite person, but I have known him for 14 years and he is a good AA member.  We had a lovely breakfast, talking about the things that people who have known each other in AA for a long time can talk about.  At one point, while I was trying to pay off my child support, I went without a car so that I could save that money and be able to pay the child support.  My nephew was graduating from college and I wondered how I could get to Wyoming for his graduation.  Charlie loaned me his brand new Honda for the trip.  It was very very kind of him.  He does things like that on a regular basis.  

Yesterday I went to Grandparents' Day at my granddaughter's school.  The look on her face as I walked into the room was priceless.  I cannot imagine how I could live long enough to ever be worthy of a beautiful young girl loving me that much!  There were only 4 grandmothers (including me) and 1 grandfather in the room.  I felt so bad for the kids without a grandparent there.  It was wonderful.  It is wonderful that my granddaughter only knows me as her nice Nana, not a drunken lunatic.

After the school trip, I stopped by a Starbuck's because I had a minute to kill.  This is NOT normal behavior for me and I wondered why I was doing it as I was pulling into the parking lot.  The woman behind me ordered a grande non-fat, caffeine-free, pumpkin spice latte and I had to turn around to see who would order such a thing.... she looked familiar.  I looked again, and she said "I know you."  I said "Gina?"  And then introduced myself because she still didn't know who I was.  

What a wonderful thing.  She recognized me as my professional persona, and I do appreciate that.  But I recognize her as the lawyer who represented me in my child support case.  I told her I think of her often and appreciate her.  I told her that I realize she practically worked pro bono for me and I will be forever grateful.  Then she remembered!  She had totally forgotten that she did that and didn't even remember what the case was.  She just remembers me for what I do for a living.   I am so thrilled that I ran into her.  

There have been so many people in my life who have helped me so tremendously and unselfishly.  I don't spend a lot of time remembering some of the dark days of my life, but maybe it would do me some good to remember them more often.  

It is amazing what can happen to your life if you stay sober and practice these principles in your affairs... one day at a time.  But it is easy enough to start believing that you have "worked hard" and "earned" the blessings in your life once you have stayed sober for a while.  And it is my personal belief that this is a BIG MISTAKE.

So today I shall strive to be grateful for the life I have and grateful for all that brought me to this point.  All of it.  

Friday Morning

I am sure I looked charming walking around my front and back yards this morning taking pictures, wearing my pajamas. There are lots of flowers just dying to have their pictures taken, so I felt it was my duty to take them. I only have to work a half a day today. I am going to a doctor's appointment this afternoon.

I am leaving on Sunday for a quick trip to North Carolina for a conference. Three hurricanes are on their way to NC along with me. I have never experienced a hurricane, and I hope I can still make that claim this time next week.

Today is Daave's 5th AA birthday.  Go over and wish him a Happy Birthday!  I am so thrilled to report that I have read his gratitude lists every single day for nearly 3 years now.  (My bloggerversary is later this month, I need to figure out exactly when.)  I sure am grateful that I have gotten to know folks like Daave through their blogs and also to have met a few of them.  Last April I was blessed to find myself in Houston and Daave was kind enough to drive me around for a few days.  What a great experience that was!  Happy Birthday my friend!

Happy Heart

My yoga class was great last night. I left there without pain. That is an amazing thing for me. I slept all night, straight through, without getting up once. That is an amazing thing for me.

I feel happy this morning. I love when the joy starts coming back into my heart. I feel that it is coming back after a tough several weeks or month.

I have also been reading this journal I have found from my first couple of months of sobriety. It is amazing to read this. There are many things I have forgotten about. There are decisions I made back then that I have come to regret. Reading about it reminds me of the real reasons I made the decisions I did. I am thrilled to say that I realize I made the right decisions. I am amazed that I stayed sober through all of that. I was so new. I had no huge commitment to staying sober, and yet, time and time again, I would say that I wanted to be sober and I was grateful to be sober. Even though my life was crumbling around me.

God is so good to us.

I found it!

I am meeting with a financial planner today to try to figure out how I am going to retire a few years earlier than I had planned... we shall see.  I spent the evening searching for a file I compiled a few years ago... a financial future file.  I cannot find it, dammit!  I did, however, find the journal from 1984 I have not been able to find for several years.  So, here is what I wrote on July 24, 1984 after returning home from my first AA meeting.

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"Tuesday, July 24, 1984

I went to my first AA meeting.  I was a nervous wreck, but I loved it.  Its so nice to talk to people who understand the way I feel, and want so much to help.  I want to someday be able to help people like that.  So, I feel I can make the first step.  I will admit that I am powerless over alcohol - and that my life has become unmanageable.  I feel at this time that the next three steps are easy.  Until I get to the moral inventory.  that just might be hard.  

I woke up Ken to talk to him, but he's tired and doesn't want to talk.  So, here I am, excited and a nervous wreck, and I know I have to go to bed, but I also know I won't be able to go to sleep.  But I also know I have to get some sleep so that I can take proper care of my chillens tomorrow.  I have to go to a meeting tomorrow.  90 meetings in 90 days is their motto.  I don't know how I'll do it with the kids.  But like Denny said, do it, or lose the kids.  It's hard for me to believe that would happen, but I guess it would, or could, I should say.

I have a feeling this is a new life for me.  A real life.  I just wish I could get Ken in on it with me,  because I also have a feeling it could break up our marriage.  But I shouldn't have that attitude.  I should be a lot more positive.  

So, I'll find a meeting in the daytime tomorrow, and maybe drag the kids with me.  I don't know what else to do.  I'll call Bitsy in the morning and figure out what to do from there.  I'm a nervous wreck about Ken.  I wish I could have talked to him today."

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I am so grateful to have found this.  It is amazing to me how many things I got right from the first day.  I knew it would break up my marriage and it did.  I knew it was a new life for me and it was. I wanted to be able to help people in AA and I have.  

What an amazing journey this has been!

Tuesday Morning

I took this picture while running yesterday.  Before I went to yoga.  I signed up for a 3 months membership to a nearby yoga studio.  I had my first one-on-one session yesterday.  I am excited and nervous about this.  

I am off to a meeting and then to work all day.  I am happy to get out of this house and get away from all that cooking, canning, cleaning, and then some more cooking, canning, and cleaning.  It was a very productive weekend, and I need to get back to work to get some rest!

Blogger has a new process for reporting violations of their terms of service.  Hate speech is specifically prohibited.  If you happen to know of a blog that posts our pictures and then calls us things like fat satanic pigs, you might want to report it to blogger.  Just sayin'.

Have a Happy Tuesday y'all.  

September Morn

I went to bed early enough last night that getting up at 4:30 works today.  Sleeping until 8:30 is not a good way for me to start a day.  I never felt well yesterday.  I not only slept until 8:30, but then I took a nap!  

Inspired by Pammie's Jazzercise, I made an appointment for an introductory session at a nearby yoga studio.  I go at 9:00 this morning.  I am pretty scared to do this.  I have pretty good cardio fitness - running is good for that - but flexibility? strength? not so much.  I hope I can do this.

Yesterday I spent most of the day making more salsa.  Now I have a quarter bushel of tomatoes left over.  My sponsor's favorite ever is tomato preserves, so I will make her some today.  That is, after church and yoga (eeek!) and before a 3:00 meeting I have never before visited.  Oh, and then back to church for my one hour of silent prayer.  

I am so grateful that today is a third day off work.  I am also grateful that I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow.  I am grateful that I live in the United States of America, where keeping abreast of politics is very entertaining.  And mostly?  I am grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, which makes everything in my life possible.  

Salsa

Yesterday I went to the farmers market and bought the stuff I needed to make salsa.  It took all day to make just 17 pint jars it.  (I did take a break to go to church with my granddaughter last night)  I took lots of pictures and posted them at my photo blog... go over and have a look if  you have time.  

On Friday night as I was considering spending my weekend working on this,  I decided to call my son to see if he likes this enough.  He is the one who eats it - every Sunday when he comes over for dinner- he waits for dinner by eating tortilla chips and his mother's home made salsa.  When I asked him if he liked it on Friday he was incredulous.  He said "do I eat every jar of it every year?"  I said "yes," he said "there's your answer."  

Today I slept until 8:30, and I have just done my prayer, and blogging, and will go for a run.  Then back to the market for another half bushel of tomatoes.  I have enough chiles to keep going, but not enough tomatoes.  I will spend today working in my kitchen.

Which I have to say is one of my favorite ways of spending a day.  

Let's all say a prayer for the safety of those in the path of Hurricane Gustov.  

Saturday Morning

Last night I made a fabulous dinner (shrimp, scallops, zucchini on skewers and fresh Olathe corn) for my daughter and granddaughters.  It was just glorious to cook for them.  

I am off this morning to my new 6:30 meeting.  I am very excited that I have a place to go this morning.  

I will make french toast with maple syrup when I get home.  I haven't run for a week, but I will later today or tomorrow.

Let's stay sober this Labor Day Weekend, OK?

Twisted Relationship

"But it is from our twisted relationships with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most."  -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

In the last few days I have been the recipient of several apologies.  At work, at home, and in cyberspace.  I am not a real easy person to apologize to probably.  And let me tell you why:

When I did the 9th step for the first time ever, I asked my sponsor where I should begin with my amends.  Thank God she did not say something you might hear now, like "with yourself," because I have found that when a person starts the amends list with themselves, they tend to never move past that name.... but I digress.  She told me to start with the hardest one.  To start with the person I was most dreading approaching.  So I did.  I called my sister-in-law.  I told her I wanted to talk.  It was clear that all she would give me was a phone call, so I went ahead and told her what I needed to.

In my book she did not accept my amends.   For every thing I told her, she said "oh, you did not," "no, that never happened," etc.  She denied everything I tried to amend.  I could not make amends for things that never happened.  I did, however, try.  That is all we can do.  We can be willing and make that clear to the other person.  I tried.  And when she died in 1999, I was so incredibly glad that I had at least tried.  

So - when someone apologizes, or makes amends for something, I have occasionally told them that I feel no amends are necessary.   But more likely, I will accept their amends and I may even tell them more.  I will not deny I was hurt if I was hurt.  I don't think that serves anyone.  It would be far easier to just say that everything is fine, no harm done.  But that is not usually the case.  I think it is important for alcoholics to be able to see how we hurt one another.  We do it casually.  I think, as a class, we are people with low self-esteem.  I think there are few people as dangerous as people with low self-esteem... we think we don't count, so how could our actions actually matter to people, how can little-old-us hurt anyone?  Well, we can, and we do. 

As a person with long term sobriety, sometimes I feel that I have a target painted on me.  People seem to love to pick on that.  I am not behaving the way they think I should.  Well, I am not one who says that I have all the answers.  I am not one who says that I have all YOUR answers.  I do not wax too philosophically here in my blog or in person.  I pretty much stick to my own experience, strength, and hope.  So what I share here is not usually esoteric opinions, or ideas.  I am sharing my life.  When someone picks on that it does hurt.  

I think if I behaved as if I had all the answers due to my length of time of sobriety, I would deserve to be picked on... really, I do.  I think if I wrote about generalities about what people ought to be doing, I would deserve to be picked on... really, I do.  

But what I am doing is sharing my own experience, strength, and hope.   

In the words of one of my favorite philosophers:

"Can we all get along?"  -- Rodney King, May 1, 1992

Thursday Morning

And if I do it just right an quit dawdling over my computer, I can get a quick run in, and get to church by 8:00.  It is the 15th anniversary of my father's death, and I think I would like to go to mass today.  And for anyone (well, just one someone) who believes you can't be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and a Catholic at the same time, I would suggest you talk that over with your parish priest.  Soon.  

I found an AA group I felt comfortable in yesterday!  It meets at 6:30 a.m. just like my old one.  It is close to the house, a little bit farther away from work, but still very manageable.   I was at their first meeting back in the mid-nineties, and even named the group.  Yesterday, I came in, sat down, most of the folks were strangers to me, but I did know one or two people.  They sit around a table in a room in the back of a church.  There is only enough room for maybe 12 people there, so everyone gets to share.  I looked at their phone list and saw plenty of names with sobriety dates in the 1970s and 80s.  They have nightwatch once a month.  And they say the 3rd Step Prayer before the meeting.  I am very happy about feeling once again like I have a home in AA.  

So I better kick it in gear so I can do all the things I want to do this morning.  

Oh, and the brat in me wants to go to a meeting downtown at noon today - just to see who I would see (and then NOT tell you about).  Other folks might want to go to Hollywood and see movie stars.... but for a political junkie like me, many of  the luminaries I would want to meet  are just a few miles down the road.  I would love to see who is at the meetings down there this week.  But it is none of my business, and I will just stay in my own neck of the woods.

Have a great sober day everyone, OK?

Comfort Food

Other people might want chocolate cake, but when I want comfort food, I desire a big rib eye steak, a baked potato with butter and sour cream, a nice piece of warm bread with butter, and a salad - not a healthy salad, but a salad made with iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, croutons, and doused with blue cheese dressing.  I didn't eat all of it, but I ate most of it.  And it was good.

(and you can see that my favorite tablecloth was in the wash last night)

Yesterday while driving around (which is a big fat pain due to having a big honkin' convention here this week) I saw a sign outside a restaurant that made me laugh.  It said:

Oprah, our wings are only 150 calories each

For some reason I thought that was hilarious.  She truly could see that sign, but I highly doubt that she would care to indulge in 150 calorie (each) wings.  Yuck.

This morning I am off to a new 6:30 meeting - well, not that new, I actually named the group the first time they met back in 1995 or 1996.  But it is not the one I have been attending as my homegroup.  Then I shall meet a sponsee and get her 5th step done.  Then to work.  

One foot in front of the other...

A New Pair of Glasses

Literally.  I got a new pair of glasses on Saturday.  They are very different and make me wonder why I thought having RED glasses was a good idea.  I am sure I will get used to them.  I tried to cheapen up and bought a pair of glasses at Sears last December.  They were not only not very attractive, but they were destroyed in less than a year.  How much money do you save doing stuff like that?  Not much in my book.  So, I went to Europtics and paid an arm and a leg for these glasses, but they are nice.

I got to sit at church for an hour yesterday and pray.  I needed that time badly.  The power of prayer is very real.  Meditation is something that I would recommend highly.   I have heard them described (probably over simplified) this way:   Prayer is talking to God, and Meditation is listening to Him.

I am going to go to a noon meeting today.  I think my schedule is going to permit that.  

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Grateful I can feel

Maybe it is  not always pleasant, maybe you don't always want to read about it, but I am grateful that I can feel today.  I can experience my life in technicolor.   I am not living life on a flat line.  It is not a roller coaster either, but it does have its undulations.  

Today I go back to work after a weekend with my grandchildren.  I am glad I had a busy weekend, and I am glad I have a busy day ahead of me today.  After work on Mondays, I go to church for an hour of silent prayer.  

I am grateful for this life I have been given.  With all of its ups and downs.  I am grateful that I can walk through each day, as gracefully as I can, and know that God is present, He is near, and He loves me.  

Sunday Morning

My granddaughters are outside playing hopscotch on the driveway.  That's as good as any other way to spend a Sunday morning, I think.  We got dressed up and went to church last night, which was wonderful.  I don't know how two normally energetic and very noisy girls, ages 4 and 8, could sit basically still and be totally quiet for an hour, but they did it.  It was amazing and glorious.

I talked with my sponsor for a long time yesterday afternoon.  We literally cried together.  Mourning the Alcoholics Anonymous that we both knew and loved.  I am afraid it is no longer.  I will continue to try to find a home in AA, but what we knew and loved is gone.  The AA where we actually knew each others last names and cared about one another.  The AA where we took an interest in everyone in the group - whether they were sober a few hours or a few decades.  Where we gave each other rides and phone calls.  Where we cared enough about people killing each other with sick behavior that we spoke up about it. 

So I no longer fit.  That is OK.  It might even be good.   I know I will find (or start) another group, and this season of grief, loss, and sadness will pass.  Something better is on the other side, I am sure.  

I have two beautiful granddaughters waiting outside for me to come and sit on the front porch and knit, while I rock in my rocking chair.   I really can't imagine what could be better than that!

 

Tending to my knitting

tend to one's knitting,

a. to mind one's own business: Don't worry about my work - just tend to your knitting.

b. to devote oneself to one's assignments or responsibilities:  Years of sticking to his knitting finally paid off.  

I am fortunate that I like to knit.  Last night on my way from work to a new meeting, I stopped at the yarn shop and bought a new project to knit.  I have been working for months on a very intricate lacy baby blanket for a neighbor's baby.  One of my favorite docs at work is pregnant with her first baby, and it is a girl and I thought that working on big needles and big pink yarn and knocking out a blanket in a weekend would be a good thing.  The fact that the yarn costs approximately $100. is another issue entirely.  Good yarn is not cheap.  

At the meeting, I sat and knit and kept my mouth shut.  Not a good thing for this alcoholic.  

I have my granddaughters with me this weekend and that is good.  I made a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and fried potatoes.  We will go shopping probably and then get dressed up and go to church.  It will be nice.  Imagine me, a nice nana who takes her granddaughters to church.  

By the Grace of God, no matter how I feel, I can behave like the person I want to be.

Friday Morning

After a very hot summer, my roses are starting to bloom again, and for that I am extremely grateful.

My grandchildren are coming over this weekend, and they love me.  They will be grateful that their red aprons are washed and hanging on the hook in the kitchen where they belong.   We may do some canning this weekend.

Last night I spent hours on the phone crying.  I am grateful for friends who answer the phone and listen to me when I am like that.  I am grateful that they can tell the truth without being harsh or critical.  They know that I know... when I am being a bit over the top, when I am being self-centered, when I am overreacting.  I do know, you know.  

Do you know what I am most grateful for this morning (aside from the fact that it is Friday)?  It is that I am a grown woman who is not dependent upon a relationship with a man (or anyone else) for my livelihood, my home, my sustenance.  I am grateful that I was able at a certain point to say - gee, mary, you better get on the ball here and get a life of your own.  And I did that.  Now I have it.  And no matter who comes along and no matter what their behavior is like, I still have my pretty little home and my roses in the front and back yards.  

Let's stay sober this weekend, OK?

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

The departure of summer that is.  I love fall the very best of all seasons, but there is always a sadness as I see summer passing.  It is nearly 6 a.m., and it is still dark outside.  I try to wait for sunrise to run because of animals.  I live in an area that has lots of wildlife.  I have seen coyotes, foxes, elk, deer, snakes, and of course, dogs on my runs in the neighborhood.  My neighbor recently told me that she had a bear in her back yard a few years ago.  I don't wish to run into a bear on a morning run.  Run-ins with wildlife are more prevalent at dawn and dusk because their worlds and ours collide at that time.  

The departure of me from my home group is not such sweet sorrow, but it is necessary.  It hurts like hell.  I went yesterday and the reasons why I must leave became abundantly clear.  Although there were new women there and I got to talk with them after the meeting - and that is good... I desperately need to get something for my own recovery as well.  I do not subscribe to the belief that after a while in sobriety we only go to meetings to "give back."  I am just as alcoholic as I was on day 1, and I still need my very own recovery.  

I called one of my friends yesterday and we discussed meetings.  She is sober 25 years and has lived in this area only the last 2 years.  She has tried many, many meetings and was able to tell me about some that I haven't visited.  I will meet her at a meeting tomorrow night.  

I also called my sponsor and really whined and complained.  She suggested that I whine and complain to God about this.  It was not cruel as it sounds.  Just good sense.  I have whined and complained to God and I am sure I will continue to do so.  I also thank Him on a daily basis.  (I never would have whined and complained to God before my extensive biblical studies, I have learned that people have begged and pleaded and God has relented, so I now am cultivating this skill!)

So, this will be a time of change for me.  And I am sure there will come a day when I will understand how this was a good thing.  But I am not quite there yet.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Last night I got this sign, and posted it it in my front yard (it actually has someone's name on it, but in the interest of the 10th tradition, I have redacted it).  Just after I snapped this picture, I stood in my doorway admiring the sign, and the man who asked me at the board meeting last week if I was going to put a big ****** sign in my front yard drove by.  I saw his pretty little Lexus, and as he drove by, he slowed to a virtual halt, so I know he saw it.  Oh, what delightful fun!

Now I am off to a meeting that I will soon stop attending.  I will meet a sponsee who I absolutely love and we will talk for an hour or so after the meeting.  I will head to work and work my little heart out all day... if the migraine doesn't show back up.  If it does, I will head back home and to bed.

Have a great day everyone.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I DO call that Sobriety!

If you don't pour alcohol down your throat, I call that sobriety.  Lately I have heard lots of qualifications on this.  Gosh, that person is only "dry," not "sober."  Really?  How would you know?  

The logical conclusion to this type of thinking is to pour a drink if you are not spiritually fit 100% of the time.  Really.  Why not, if you are not "sober," only "dry?"

Do I need to be living on a spiritual basis?  yes.  Do I need to be constantly trying to improve my spiritual life? yes.  Do I need to live by the twelve steps and twelve traditions?  yes.    Do I always do this without fail?  No.  No. No.  I just don't.  But that doesn't mean I am not sober.  It means that I get another chance tomorrow to do things right.  Which is a chance I would not get if I took alcohol into this body in any way, shape, or form.

We do not always like the behavior of others.  Particularly when they hurt us.  There is very strong temptation to "constructively" criticize them and talk about the failings in their "programs."  But I like to think that God above knows what is going on, and I really don't.  I just see my side of the story.  

So, having said all of that, I could tell you what "these people" are doing.  What it is that is disgusting to me.  How it has hurt me.  How I need to find a new home group because of it.  You would chime in.  Wow.  You call that recovery?  How can those people call themselves sober?  Well, they do and they can.  Is that what I want, hell no.  

And I have to say that yesterday I got a little bit annoyed by the comment of another.  Instead of letting it slide, I posted about it.  He was hurt by the comments that others made.  I apologized to him.  I can't really make amends - I can't make it right.  I can't undo what I did.  But I can admit that I was wrong and try to make it right.  I was wrong and I am sorry.  

We are all just drunks trying to get and stay sober, one day at a time, with the help of God and each other.  Let's cut each other a little bit of slack, OK?

Monday Morning

And I told two people I would be at the 6:30 meeting this morning. I guess I will be late. It is 6:21 and I am still in my jammies. I am not feeling great, but I know that I just have to put one foot in front of the other and suit up and show up - it will be OK. Today the doctor should call me to tell me what the CT scan says about my neck - I will be very happy to know the answer to that question.

Someone got on me in my comments about writing sentences beginning with "I". Then I looked at his blog to see what he wrote about. He wrote about the failings of others. I guess I would prefer to be self-centered and write about my own failings.

I need to get out of here and go be where I am supposed to be, and doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Sunday Late Morning

I slept until 8 a.m. this morning.  I always want to do that, but now that I have, I feel awful.  I hate this feeling that I have wasted half the day and have done nothing.  I had to force myself to go out and run a measly 3 miles this morning.  It is a beautiful morning... not even 60º outside. 

I just wrote a long post about something else, but I don't think it is a good day for me to be posting opinions.  I am tired and feel sluggish and a little bit unhappy.  

So I will take a bath and wash the sweat off me.  I will put on makeup and fix my hair and put on a cute outfit and get out of this house.  I will go to Costco and get gasoline in my car and buy some food to make a nutritious dinner for myself and whoever else may show up today.   It won't be my normal Sunday dinner for my son....

My son is busy every weekend this month getting ready for whatever chicanery may come with the Democratic National Convention.   I will now edit myself and shut up on that topic.

Saturday Morning

I am writing this on Friday night.  Have just returned from a shopping excursion with my daughter and oldest granddaughter.  She loves shopping so much, it is such a joy to go to the mall (one of my least favorite places on earth) with her.  

I have been shopping for new eyeglasses all week.  I have been everywhere.  I finally stopped at a high end shop this evening and ordered myself some glasses - that cost enough to feed a family of five for a month.  Oh well.  I like the way they look and they are high quality and I have to wear the things every single day of my life....

And in this way I can rationalize why I will love living in the poor house when I retire.  Right?

So on this Saturday, I will start my second year of biblical school with a half day retreat.  I am looking forward to this.  And I am writing this on Friday night because I discovered it is one of my favorite people's AA birthday tomorrow, so I must be at the 6:30 meeting.  And be ready to leave from there and get to the retreat.  So I will not have time to post in the morning.

(I attended a very fine Jesuit university, and I can almost visualize all the red marks over what I have written thus far- starting sentences with "so" and "and" and writing fragments instead of sentences, oh well, it is late in the evening.)

If I ever wonder again why it is that I post in the morning instead of the evening, let this post be a reminder of the way my brain degrades throughout the day.  Let's stay sober today everyone, OK?

Forty-Nine Degrees

Really.  It is 49º right now, and pouring rain.  Pretty awesome.  I need to be at church by 6:30, and I will get to wear long pants!  and a sweater!  and maybe my raincoat!  How exciting.  After record breaking heat all summer - this is probably record breaking cold.

So I don't have time to contemplate what I want to write about today.  Except to say that I am looking forward to today.  Starting with church, then to work, then to who-knows-what!  Tomorrow is a half day retreat to kick off biblical school.  I am starting my second year of a 4 year program and I couldn't be more excited about that!   Sunday is our group's annual picnic, so you know I will have a pie baking morning on Sunday.  It is all so good.

By the Grace of a Loving God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I get to do stuff like go to church and bake pies!  Thank you!

Thursday Morning

It is a lovely 56º outside, the inside of my house is a lovely 70º - I don't think it has been this cool inside this house since the end of June.  I wish I could stay home today and sleep all day, but I have things I have got to get done at work, darn it.

I had my CT scan of my neck yesterday.  Now I just pray that it will show a perfectly good, re-engineered cervical spine - with all the re-engineering still in place.  And that all this pain is just muscle pain and can be managed with time and physical therapy - not surgery.  I will find out on Friday or Monday I think.

Yesterday I managed to live all day without telling anyone off or crying or having my heart in my throat.  It was a good day.  Communication is a good thing, I tell you!

My contrary streak has popped up again though.  I ordered a big yard sign for the presidential candidate of my party and I am going to stick it in my yard.   At the HOA Board meeting on Tuesday night I asked if it was OK that people had signs in their yards and was told that it was OK.  Then the president of the board mockingly asked me if I was going to put a big ******* sign in my yard, and the other board members sat with their little wine glasses and tittered.  Well, yes, as a matter of fact, within a day or two, there will be a big ****** sign in my yard.  Take THAT!

It is amazing the assumptions that people make.  People frequently think that because I am a fun-loving person, and laugh a lot - I must also drink a lot.  I can tell people that I do not drink, but they still continue to assume that I drink.  They also make the assumption that I am a member of a certain political party, and I usually tell them (as nicely that I can) that I am not.  And I usually try to twist it in my mind to be a compliment - that they like me and therefore make the projection that I am like them.  

(I am not writing here which political party because this blog is a pretty public place where I have identified as an AA member.  "Alcoholics Anonymous  has no opinion on outside issues; hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy."  -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 176 - Tradition 10. )

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Character Defects

Have been activated.

My largest?  Do you really want to know?

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.  The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone."  -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 76

In the "work" I have done over the years, the steps have revealed to me that I have a tremendous fear of rejection.  I could tell you what that was based in, the history of my life, etc., and therefore tell you why it is legitimate for me to have this fear.  But that is not what sobriety is about.  We are in the business of getting well, not making excuses.  

In the DSM-IV (be grateful if you don't know what this is), in one of the descriptions of one of the personality disorders, is this unintentional acronym for fear:  Frantic Efforts to Avoid Rejection.  

I no longer indulge in frantic efforts, but when I sniff rejection on the wind, I sure can do some strange stuff.  I wish this were not the case, but it is.  

Yesterday was a day when I behaved more like a 16 year old girl than a 56 year old woman who has been sober for 24 years.  

But today is a day where I have a chance to behave the way I believe I should.  And tonight in my 10th step, I hope I don't need to write about the stupid crap I have done today. 

With the help of God I can do this.

Even More Tired Tuesday

Again with the phone... staying up too late.  But yesterday with a person I was "sweet on."  Last night, it was the same person, but who had turned into a proverbial barrel of pickles.  Sheesh.  

Last night on my way home from work, I stopped at my new church for one hour of silent prayer - like I used to do from 5 to 6 a.m. on Thursdays at my old church.  Well, being there from 5 to 6 a.m. was pretty special, but I have to tell you that praying while you are not fighting to keep your eyelids from slamming shut is a lot nicer.  But I have failed to mention it here because somehow Monday evening - on your way home from work - is something I seldom think about early in the morning when I am posting here.  

I am now going to go out and run.  Even though it will likely make me late for work.  I need it, if only to wake me up this morning.  

Get Going Monday Morning

I am leaning on caffeine this morning.  Last night when I went to bed too late, after an hour and a half on the phone with someone I am quite sweet on, I had planned on getting up early and running this morning.  But I didn't wake up until 6, which is very late for me.  And now I am sitting, drinking coffee instead of running.  

• (is it normal to keep the same table cloth on your table for years - well, I do wash it regularly - but years - I love this table cloth, so I just keep it on my table.  But posting this picture this morning - I realize you all have seen this table cloth endlessly... but I digress..

We had a wonderful birthday dinner yesterday.  The lasagna was the best I ever made.  I have a confession to make - I don't really like lasagna, so I try a new recipe every year.  I told my son yesterday that the lasagna I made in 1992 was the best.  He, of course, didn't remember until I told him it was the all vegetable lasagna - then he remembered because he HATED it.  But I loved it.

Sorry I haven't much to say today.  But if you have a second, you might go over and visit our friend Daave, who lost his mother yesterday.  He is a shining example of how we get through the big moments and small - without a drink.  Thank You God.  

Sunday Morning

I am going out to run this morning for the first time in a week.  I probably shouldn't be running with my back as it is, but I am going to anyway.  I think the good that running does me (especially mentally) far outweighs the negative. 

Yesterday while shopping at Macy's for my son's birthday present, I got a call from my daughter's boyfriend.  I knew it couldn't be good news, and indeed it wasn't.  I don't know if I have shared here that my daughter is drinking again.  She managed to stay clean something like 80 days, and then decided to drink.  It amazes me when people say "well, at least she isn't using meth."  Anyone who says that has never seen my daughter drink.  Her boyfriend was a cop for 10 years and told me yesterday that he never in all that time saw a drunk as bad as my daughter.  The night before she had called at 1:00 a.m. (he had the phone turned off) and screamed into the phone that she had wrecked his truck and had left it on ****  Blvd. in Denver.  She didn't bother to call and follow up with any further information.... like was she hurt, did she hurt anyone else, where she was going, where the truck was, etc.  

He asked me what he should do.  I told him that it would sound strange to him, but I thought the most important thing for him to do is call Alanon.  I told him that he could not continue to ruin his life chasing after my daughter.  That he needed to take care of himself.  That this crap was going to kill him.  (Later I realized that telling him was pretty selfless - my purposes would better be served by him continuing to take care of her, but I digress....)

He later called to tell me that she had called him, had shown up for work and was OK.  That his truck had a scrape on the bumper, and it was no big deal.  And that she wanted to start taking antabuse.  

I have been praying.  Praying, Praying, Praying.  

I spoke with my sponsor yesterday.  Her daughter is serving a life sentence for murdering her boyfriend in a drunken rage.  My sponsor doesn't tip-toe around this stuff.  She lives every single day with the fallout from this horrible disease.  

So I will now go out and run 3 miles.  I will come home and prepare a lovely birthday dinner for my son.  We will have a lovely afternoon.  I have been doing this for too long to let it destroy my life.  I just won't do it.

Have a sober day everyone, OK?

Saturday Morning

This is another photo I took while in Alaska.  Although it is not beautiful per se, I took it because of the context.  These are fishermen, standing in a creek, in the middle of Anchorage (you can see a tall building behind them), at about 11:30 p.m.!  Since I haven't posted a picture for a few days, I looked through my rather small library of photos on this computer and came up with this one...

It is Saturday.  I am going to the 6:30 a.m. meeting - for the 6th time this week!  Then I need to do my grocery shopping for my son's birthday dinner tomorrow.  And I still need to buy him a birthday present.  I think it is so cute that since my son's 4th birthday in 1980, I have asked him every year what he wanted me to cook for his birthday.  Every year it is the same, "lasagna."  And for dessert?  Banana Cream Pie.  So I asked him again this year.  He told me "lasagna," and when I asked what he wanted for dessert, he just said "you know!"  He was gone for the last 2 years, so it is special that he is here and can come to his mother's for dinner.

It is so wonderful to be thinking about all this ordinary and boring life stuff this morning.  What a wonderful thing it is to have no drama going on.  

"Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things - these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes.  True ambition is not what we thought it was.  True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124 - 125

Eight Eight O Eight

Thirty-two years ago today, I gave birth to my first and only son.  He was beautiful then and he is beautiful now.  He was eight lbs. eight oz.  He was born at 8:31 a.m. on a Sunday morning in 1976.  He was named after his father, but with a different middle name so that he would not be a "junior."  

The year he was in Iraq - which is blessedly now over a year ago - was one of the most challenging ones I have faced.  I had to fight to let go.  Let go of the nights where I would wake up panic stricken, just sure something had happened.  Let go of the nightmares.  Let go of feeling sorry for myself.  Let go of projecting into some horrible fate for him and for our family.  So I would pray.  And I would turn my thoughts to others.  And when you are busy thinking of others, you don't have time to go nuts.  I am so grateful that I was a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous for that experience.  

We were recently talking about someone he knows.  His mother was a porn star.  We were thinking about what that must have been like for a young man.  My son said to me that guys say stuff about your mother... but it never bothered him because he knew it wasn't true.  But for the other guy, he doesn't know how that would feel.  

I can assure you that if I were still drinking, he could never have said anything that nice about me.  He probably doesn't even know that was a nice thing to say to me, because to him, he just knows that his mom is a person who doesn't drink or do nutty stuff.  But I know the person who could be unleashed with a sip of alcohol... and believe me, my son would not be sure of anything about his mom if she had booze in her.  

I have been sober for every birthday, and every other day since a little bit before his eighth birthday. And for that I am truly grateful.  

Happy Birthday to my wonderful son.

I don't have much to say....

When someone starts sharing in a meeting by saying that, I look at my watch.  Because usually when someone says they don't have much to say, it takes a long time to say it.  

I am chairing the meeting this morning, so I actually need to be there on time!  I set my alarm for  4:30 because it takes me a long time to get ready in the morning.  I am sure if I stopped blogging in the morning it would take a lot of time off that preparation time... but what would I do in the morning without blogging?  It would be like a day without sunshine!

I went to the doctor yesterday (finally) to look at my back.  I have a CT scan scheduled for Aug. 13.  I freaked out for a while about that yesterday.  

In 1999 I had an Anterial Discectomy and Fusion of C5, C6, and C7.  That means I got the discs taken out and had bone grafts and titanium rods put in to hold my neck together.   Yesterday when the doc suggested that I go see the neurosurgeon because they "might have to go back in"  it hit me like a sucker punch.  

Someone suggested that I wait to have the CT scan and THEN find out what is going on and deal with it.  What a concept!  You mean I can skip a week of anxiety that may be for nothing?  Well, gosh, I think I will do that.

See what I mean about not having much to say?

Wednesday Morning

So I am meeting a sponsee at the 6:30 meeting.  And since I was out late last night - having pizza and then standing in my driveway talking, talking, talking... it was such a beautiful night... I am tired.  And running late.

But I said I would be there.  And we learn in Alcoholics Anonymous to do what we say, and say what we do.  I think it is called accountability.  

I also have a commitment to post here daily.  I don't know when I made it or to whom, but I definitely made it.  Some days I put a lot into a post, and some days I just tell you that I am here, busy with life, and always grateful to be sober and alive.  

So today, I am here, busy with life, and incredibly grateful for this beautiful sober life.

It does matter

I am going to do something today that I have never done before.  I am going to coattail, piggy-back, and otherwise keep going with the topic on a couple of other blogs.  I think it is that important.  

It is our beloved fellowship's third tradition which states:

"Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism.  Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover.  Nor ought AA membership ever depend upon money or conformity.  Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation."  Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 563

And here I am going to do something else I have never done before. I am going to cut and paste a snippet from someone else's comment:

"If I decide to go to an AA meeting and discuss my food problem, they'd damn well better listen!  They don't know who they are messing with ;0)"

Well, sweetheart, you have just stated so very eloquently why the 3rd tradition is so very important.  They indeed do not know who they are messing with - and therefore cannot help you.  And you may damn well kill a few folks while you are killing yourself.  

Our singleness of purpose was born out of experience of another fellowship that came in the 1800s.  They were called the Washingtonians, and they had tremendous success with alcoholics.  Until they decided that their program could be applied to every problem, just as you hear folks say about AA.  Before long, they were embroiled in politics and religion and their fellowship, along with the hopes of thousands of alcoholics, were destroyed.  

You can chose to hide out in the wrong program - if you don't want to get well, and if you don't mind killing a few others.  You do have that right.  And I do believe it is hiding out.  The reason AA works is because we understand each other.  No one else understands me.  I really believe that I am different on a cellular (and I don't mean phones) level from my non-alcoholic brothers and sisters.  When I got to AA I knew I was home... for the first time in my life.  

Here is the illustration I use.  I have an eating problem.  I am an alcoholic.  No one in Alcoholics Anonymous cares if I have an eating problem.  I qualify to be in AA.  I am an alcoholic.  If I am seeking help for my eating problem in AA, some nice, well-meaning alcoholic may hand me a donut, coffee with sugar and fake cream, ask me to sit down and tell me "just don't drink and you will be OK."  That is reasonable advice for an alcoholic.  But if I am seeking help for an eating disorder, that will be very very bad.  So, if I need help for my eating, I can go talk to someone in another fellowship who may actually understand that I don't need a donut and coffee with sugar.  

People new to AA are usually quite befuddled, and it is all the more dangerous because about 99.9% of the time they don't realize it.  We need to have a message in Alcoholics Anonymous.  And it needs to be about understanding what it is to be a drunk and being able to share our own stories of our alcoholism and the recovery we have been so miraculously blessed with.   My sobriety would be meaningless if it wasn't in stark contrast with my life of active alcoholism.  We need to be able to share these stories.  These real stories.

I drank like a pig.  I did things that were shameful and disgusting.  I felt like the worst person on earth.  Then, out of desperation, I came into a fellowship full of people who understood me, and I was able, with the help of God, to quit drinking and doing shameful and disgusting things.  Why would you want to mess with that?

Peach Pie

I made peach pies on Saturday afternoon.  Probably not the best thing to do on a hot day, but that is why I have AC, right?  I took one of the pies to an AA activity, it was nice.

Yesterday was my race.  I prayed real hard for God to stay with me to show me where I could be helpful to others and not thinking about myself.  I can get really hung up on "bad performance" when I don't feel I am doing well.  I have learned in AA that kind of behavior and thinking is just as self-centered as any other.  There are nervous ladies all of the place in an event such as a triathlon, I just tried to be helpful to them.  So most of the time I wasn't thinking about myself.  And I had a great time. It was way too hot for my tastes, but it was still good.

At one point during the run, I got stuck behind some woman who was shouting what she thought was encouragement to others.  In the form of "think of an ice cold margarita!  think of an ice cold beer!  How bout a martini!"  Over and over and over again.  Finally I shouted "think of a nice air conditioned AA meeting!"  I don't think she cared for that, but holy cow, not everyone is motivated by thoughts of alcoholic beverages.  I can't even imagine being at the end of a triathlon thinking about getting drunk?!  I finally got a burst of energy and pulled away from her.  

It is all good. I am out of here now to get to my 6:30 meeting... late.  Oh well.

Have a great sober Monday everyone.

Off to the Triathlon

I'm off to my triathlon this morning.  I have butterflies in my stomach from nerves.  I have prayed that God show me how I can be of service to Him and my fellows (even though they are ladies) today.   Because if this is about me and my athletic prowess, I might as well stay home.  

Celebrating my Birthday Again...

I am driving up to my old home group this morning to celebrate my 24th AA birthday with my old friends.  I am looking forward to this.  

I took the above picture at my current home group.  There is a white board in the room, all the birthdays for the month get posted.  I love the way my name and the number of years I have been sober is listed.  I am just right there amoungst 'em.  Not ahead, not behind,  just right there with you all.  All the sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous.   My sponsor talks about how lonely it is the longer you stay sober.  I have had a taste of that and it is very sad, in a bitter sweet kind of way.

I am certainly grateful to be sober and alive.  But I do miss my old friends.  I miss the folks who have died and who are now drinking.  I miss the ones who really messed up and are now in prison. I miss the ones who just aren't around anymore.  

So, I will drive the 15 or 20 miles up north to my old home group and be with a bunch of survivors.  And I will be so incredibly grateful for them.  If my old friend Ron is there, we will embrace as if we have never had a harsh word.  And then someone will remind us of the time I called him horrible names, threw coffee at him, and stormed out of a meeting.  Someone else will remind us of the time he tried to have me permanently banned from our group (that was LONG before I threw coffee at him).  I have history with these people, some of it good, some of it not so good.  But we love each other deeply, no matter how we used to feel about each other.  

I am so grateful for all of the sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I am so grateful that I get to be "One Sober Alcoholic."  Thank you for sharing this wonderful life with me.  

Friday Morning

I gotta get ready and get out of here for my meeting today.  Then I will work all day.  Then I will go get my hair cut and colored after work.  I hope I can find a way to tell my hair stylist that I don't want red and blonde STRIPES, I would like highlights please.  No more with the damn stripes!  I don't care how trendy it is, I am 56 years old and that is too old to be wearing the latest trendy 'do.  And furthermore, I don't like strangers stopping me on the street to tell me how great my hair color is... holy cow, would anyone do that if it looked even remotely natural?  Don't answer that, the answer is "no."

I went out for dinner last night with a man.  It was perfectly wonderful.  Nice.  Lovely.  OK, I am not writing any more than that about that.

I have my triathlon on Sunday and I need to get some rest in the meantime. I have not been getting the kind of sleep that I need to be fully rested.  

I am off now to meet a sponsee at a meeting and then get on with my day.  Let's all stay sober today, eh?

Record Breaking Heat

This is hot stuff for the foothills of the Rockies.  Hot.  And I am weary of it.  And I dread the arrival of my utilities bill.  AND, I thank God I was able to get AC installed in here 4 years ago, because prior to then, I would have had to live in a house that was incredibly hot in this kind of weather.  (update:  this weather is always current - so although it said at the time it was expected to be over 100º, it will now say whatever today and tomorrow, etc., temperatures are expected to be.)

I have a triathlon on Sunday - in 100º heat.  There will be people dropping like flies - hopefully one of them will not be me.  Well, actually I am pretty sure that one of them won't be me.  

I am going to go out and run right now.  I am actually really looking forward to it.  It is *only* 68º outside now, which will feel like heaven.

It is just an ordinary work-a-day day... and life is good.  

Wednesday

I haven't posted a picture of my feet for a long time.  Last night I took off my shoes and walked outside in my bare feet and it was an amazing feeling.  You can see the marks from my shoes that I had on all day.  Sometimes it is just good to take off your shoes and let your feet feel grass and dirt.  

I am off to meet a sponsee at a meeting this morning, then we will meet for a while afterwards.  I look forward to this every week.  I am so glad.  I had begun to believe I was just too selfish to sponsor anyone - they all frustrated me so much.  But I am now down to 2 women, and they both want to be sober.  They both listen to what I have to say.  They both really do the deal.  The one I am meeting this morning wrote me a beautiful message on my birthday :

"Happy Birthday Mary!  Thank you so much for the time and energy you've given to me.  You are a great sponsor and I love you dearly.  Love you, ______" 

Well, hell, I have waited all my sober life for a note like that!  What a blessing it is.  I will have to remember that the next time I am having the life sucked out of me by some newly sober crazy woman - just like I used to be.

Have a great sober day everyone.  XXXOOO, MC

Another Tuesday

I am heading out of here for my first bike ride (or workout of any kind) since the car accident on July 19.  My triathlon is on Sunday and I am sure I am not going to set any personal best records.  I have barely trained at all.  Hopefully the bike ride will go well this morning.  It will be nice to get out there in the early morning air regardless of how I feel or how fast I pedal...

I talked with my friend's daughter yesterday evening for about 45 minutes.  What a blessing this was.  I got to tell her about her dad.  It was so sad to hear her talk about how she will never know him.  I feel sad for her, and also for him.  I really probed a bunch of damaged brain cells to remember everything I could about him.  As we talked, I remembered more things.  We both laughed and we both were on the verge of tears most of the time.  When I get a second (which won't be any time soon) I am going to go through my old journals to see what else I can remember about him.  It is over 20 years since George and I broke up - remembering things is easier than I thought it would be, but still pretty hard.   The thing I would like most to remember?  His sister's last name.  Why do women change their names when they get married????? It makes it impossible to find them!

I better get dressed up in my bicycling clothes and get out of here.  Have a great sober day everyone.

MetaBlogging

Oh my goodness.  I have just had an experience.  I am crying.  I have chills.  And it is about my blog... again.  But oh, so much more. (and I need to be out of here in a half hour, so I have to make it quick)

I got an e-mail from a woman who was searching for her biological father.  He was my first boyfriend in sobriety.  I wrote about him here once.  I used his full name for some unknown reason.  Sadly, she learned that he is dead by reading my post.

He had twin children and he missed them every day of his life.  Their mother left him and took the children and he never saw them again.  He always hoped he would.

Now his children have "found" him by finding my blog.  I sent her an e-mail with my phone number.  I hope that she will call me.  I can tell her that he indeed was an alcoholic, but he was a wonderful, funny, intelligent, loving, and kind man.  

The fact that he could never get sober ruined all of that.  It ruins so much more than just our lives.  It affects the lives of others so profoundly.  

Let's be kind to each other today, OK?  Thank you.  

Keep Coming Back

Keep coming back, it gets better. That's what a woman at my old homegroup told me yesterday. I laughed uproariously over that one.   The good thing is, she has the experience to tell me that, because she has been coming around longer than I have.  It was a wonderful thing.

Someone else said:

Suit up and show up.

Sit down and shut up.

Sober up and grow up.

Oh, yes.  That is the kind of AA where I feel comfortable.  I wrote my name on the calendar to celebrate my birthday there next week.  It is nice to be with my old pals.  It was nice that yesterday I got to sit next to the man who took me to my first meeting.  What a wonderful thing it is to know someone for 24 years.  

Then I picked up my granddaughters and had a severe lapse of judgement when I took them to the quilting store and let them pick out fabrics for their own projects (quilted pillow covers).  The 8 year old did a pretty good job, but I am afraid all those teeny little hand stitches are not up a 4 year old's ally... she ended up crying in frustration.  They chose beautiful fabrics - really beautiful, and I didn't even try to influence them (too much).  We will finish those projects today before I drive them back home this afternoon.

Life is pretty darn good today.  Sober.

Saturday Morning

Those were the pizzas I made for dinner last night... cooked on the grill.  I thought they were pretty.  They tasted pretty too.

I am off this morning to my old homegroup.  It is about 20 miles away from here.  I need to go there.  I need to go be with some people who have known me since I got sober.  I need to go be with people I have known for decades.  I need to sit in a group where people, like me, who are celebrating 24 years of sobriety get told "that's a good start, keep coming back."  I am going to write my name on their calendar and come back next Saturday morning to celebrate my birthday.  I can't do it today because I will need to leave the meeting early to go get my granddaughters!  Yay!  

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  I talked on the phone a lot.  I laid around in bed a lot.  In the afternoon, I got up and went to my nail salon for a pedicure and manicure.  They were busy, so they parked me in one of their pedicure chairs... soaking my feet, and enjoying the massaging chair.  I swear to you, it worked the kinks out of my back from the car accident.  I feel so much better!

So, I get to be nana this weekend.  I am excited about that... even though those little girls wear me right out, it is good.

Blessings to all.  Let's all stay sober this weekend, OK?