Thursday, October 29, 2009

Into Thinking

This is a photo through the screen door of the patio furniture on my deck. I took it last night just before it got dark. It has snowed consistently since then, so there is more snow now, but it is still dark and I certainly won't attempt to open that door to take a photo... there is thigh-high snow drifted up against the door. I will have to get out there later today to knock the snow off that deck or there is the risk it will tear away from the house.

I left work early yesterday because my drive in was so terrifying I was shaking by the time I got to work. I told my boss that I was more than happy to take vacation leave in order to get home and stay home. I believe I am staying home today as well. There is nothing on my calendar for today, all my big deals were over at noon yesterday. I will gladly take vacation leave to sit at home safely and knit.

Even though I will be at home alone, I will still need to turn my thoughts to others. I absolutely must do this every single day of my life. I cannot sit around and think about myself and expect to be a happy person. I recall a time when I was sober about 10 years, I was going through a divorce, was unemployed, and had a host of problems. A dear friend said to me "I can tell you why you are so unhappy." I very much respected him and was so delighted that he was going to share this insight with me. I eagerly asked him why I was so unhappy, and he had the unmitigated gall to say to me "you are so unhappy because you think about yourself 25 hours a day." Well, of course, I could argue with him, because, as we all know, there are only 24 hours a day. But I must admit, I was using every single one of them to think of myself.

And that is a certain recipe for an unhappy alcoholic Mary Christine.

I cannot improve my lot in life by thinking about it. I cannot improve my self-esteem by trying to convince myself I am great. I cannot recover from alcoholism by wishing it were so.

There is a chapter in our book called "Into Action." It is not called "Into Thinking."

7 comments:

Lou said...

I don't think I realized how much people think of themselves till I entered the realm of blogging;)

Dale Carnegie had it right. We love to talk about ourselves. But until I turned my thoughts outward, I didn't know what inner peace and joy felt like.

Scott W said...

If thinking could have cured the ills in my life it would have a long time ago.

You have feet of snow and it's 79º here.

Ed G. said...

You remind me of the task I've given myself a number times: write the chapter they forgot - "Why it Works". For many years (all of them?), it's been given to me out of multiple faces that "...understanding is the booby prize..."

I hope your day is wonderful.

Blessings and aloha...

Syd said...

I think that I walked the high wire act of thinking about others constantly and because of that I drifted into resentment and self-pity that made me think about myself. Now I try to stay in balance with both feet on the ground.

dAAve said...

Scott is just kidding.
It's 78 degrees.

enchantedoak said...

In my home group, we say, "I'm not much but I'm all I think about."
Not nice, but often true. Someone told me once that it's easier to act your way into good thinking than to think your way into good action.
Thanks for the reminder.

Scott said...

Geeze MC... "I cannot sit around and think about myself and expect to be a happy person." I hadn't heard that in awhile but how true!!

And of course, the trap for us alcoholics is that we think about ourselves by default lol. It takes effort!

Good luck with the snow, wow! I heard about the storm in Colorado on the radio yesterday and I thought about ya and said a little prayer...