My blogging world has changed again. I am second guessing every word I write. I am sitting here every morning thinking, thinking, thinking. I feel inadequate to the task.
As anyone who has blogged for a while knows, the blogroll changes constantly. I started blogging in 2005, it was still relatively new then. There were few of us then and we all "knew" each other. Then a bunch of us came a long. They were heady times. It was great fun. But like a huge AA meeting with a collection of alcoholics, things happened. People got drunk, people cheated on their spouses, people got resentments, etc. And people went away.
In the last 6 months or so, I have read 2 blogs in the morning. In the last couple of weeks, I am reading 5 or 6. And they are written well and thought provoking. And suddenly I don't know what I am doing here.
Comparisons are odious and I don't know why I am doing it.
It would not be a great exaggeration to say that my whole life is here - right here in this blog. In a little over 4 years, and over 1500 posts, I have written about just about everything. I have shared too much I think. I have put it all out here.... and right now I am not real sure why.
When I spoke at a meeting at my birthday in July, a young woman called me afterward and said that she had never heard anyone share like that in an AA meeting. I am afraid that is true. And I am sure I needed to hear it. She was thanking me from the bottom of her heart for being honest. But what I heard was that I am out of place in AA as it is.
The role of someone who is sober for 25 years? Speak in a general way about what it was like, then speak in a general way about how wonderful AA is, and then speak in a general way about how well you are now. Done. Talk about the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. But, by God woman, don't say anything personal!
I thank God that I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I thank God that I have a sponsor who I love like a sister. I thank God that I have several sponsees who I love like sisters. I thank God that I still get to sit down and talk with drunks and "pass it on."
I guess that is quite good enough.
I am feeling utterly inadequate.
I also thank God I have a job to go to today. There are people there I actually love and who love me. And I am incredibly grateful for that. Oh, and I get to go out in the snow and that is pretty cool (literally).