Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What have I done?

It is snowing this morning. I stepped out, in my nightgown, to take a few photos of the snow. This photo of the few remaining leaves on an aspen tree contrasted against the still black morning sky, with a few snowflakes mixed in for fun was my favorite.

My blogging world has changed again. I am second guessing every word I write. I am sitting here every morning thinking, thinking, thinking. I feel inadequate to the task.

As anyone who has blogged for a while knows, the blogroll changes constantly. I started blogging in 2005, it was still relatively new then. There were few of us then and we all "knew" each other. Then a bunch of us came a long. They were heady times. It was great fun. But like a huge AA meeting with a collection of alcoholics, things happened. People got drunk, people cheated on their spouses, people got resentments, etc. And people went away.

In the last 6 months or so, I have read 2 blogs in the morning. In the last couple of weeks, I am reading 5 or 6. And they are written well and thought provoking. And suddenly I don't know what I am doing here.

Comparisons are odious and I don't know why I am doing it.

It would not be a great exaggeration to say that my whole life is here - right here in this blog. In a little over 4 years, and over 1500 posts, I have written about just about everything. I have shared too much I think. I have put it all out here.... and right now I am not real sure why.

When I spoke at a meeting at my birthday in July, a young woman called me afterward and said that she had never heard anyone share like that in an AA meeting. I am afraid that is true. And I am sure I needed to hear it. She was thanking me from the bottom of her heart for being honest. But what I heard was that I am out of place in AA as it is.

The role of someone who is sober for 25 years? Speak in a general way about what it was like, then speak in a general way about how wonderful AA is, and then speak in a general way about how well you are now. Done. Talk about the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. But, by God woman, don't say anything personal!

I thank God that I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I thank God that I have a sponsor who I love like a sister. I thank God that I have several sponsees who I love like sisters. I thank God that I still get to sit down and talk with drunks and "pass it on."

I guess that is quite good enough.

I am feeling utterly inadequate.

I also thank God I have a job to go to today. There are people there I actually love and who love me. And I am incredibly grateful for that. Oh, and I get to go out in the snow and that is pretty cool (literally).


Kim A. said...

I was feeling extremely insufficient the other day. I also realized that I was listening to old stuff, again, and reacting to it like it was fact. I can tell you that getting up in the morning and reading your blog reminds me of all the tools at my disposal and that I am just one of many who trudge the same path. Sometimes I get into the sludge but I don't ever have to be stuck again.

Luv you

Lou said...

MC, you have helped me, period. Even when I don't agree, I'm not sure, are writing from a place of honesty and respect. Many blogs are written from...uhmmm...I don't know where exactly.

Keep doing what you are doing. People can always click away, right?

AnyEdge said...

I feel so consistantly useless. I wish I had something to offer other than, I thank you for sharing yourself. It's meaningful to me.

dAAve said...

Do you have enough makeup to cover-up those heel marks on your throat?
Several times when I've felt inadequate my sponsor has told me to remember Rule 62. So I'm passing that along to you.

Pam said...

You are adequate enough to stay sober for 25 years and write about it....that's pretty damn adequate.
Sometimes when I read blogs, I feel like the first grader in the group.
No one in a green jacket, holding a blackberry with fabulous shoes on is inadequate ;)

Ed G. said...

Boy, can I understand. I've attempted to do something different for a week and I think it will kill me. I still can't believe that you did 25 consecutive postings on your life. If I get these 5 complete this week, it will be a miracle.

Regardless how you feel, you're still a hero to me.

Blessings and comfort and aloha...

Pete Hoge said...

I spoke at a meeting full
of old timers 2 weeks ago
and got personal.

They appreciated my honesty.

I don't want to talk about
my drinking but rather the
"causes and conditions" that
led me to see I am an egomaniac
who needs the direction of
God's hand.


Syd said...

I've been told in Al-Anon not to compare--not my pain, not my solution, nothing. And that if I concentrate on what I'm doing and letting go of my ego as well as I can, then I won't need to make comparisons. It's one of the great things about being in recovery. I believe that this is the great equalizer. And that God loves each of us.

Midnitefyrfly said...

I'm not even sure how I found my way here or what I am... a blogger, an alcoholic, a "drinker" in denial that doesn't think she needs to recover, a social drinker.... but I do know that I like the truth- and I don't like the feeling when you realize people just want a general good ol' story and nothing personal.

Sharing your own personal truths and yet still sharing that you are questioning sharing them is adequate at least... truth at its best.

Thanks :)

Scott W said...

Today I am trying not to do comparisons.

garden-variety drunk said...

What a gorgeous picture. I'm grateful you live in such a beautiful place and get to share it with all of us : ) same with your blog

Anonymous said...

you are adequete

Findon said...

I think that sometimes I am out of touch with AA. What I have to pass on seems dated, unwanted. I guess its the way of things, time, lifes cycle, the natural order coming through. Finding my path again can give rise to wilderness time and I think thats how it has to be. Take care Mary. From where I sit there is nothing wrong with you at all. Great example.

Scott said...

I pray that ya feel more "up to the task" and more worthy today MC. This too shall pass :-)

Mary LA said...

My experience of sobriety at two years and seven months is really nothing. Guesswork in the dark.

Your blog humbles me so much -- I love what you write and the wisdom you bring to your posts.