Sunday Rest

Last night one of my groups had night watch (which is where you answer the phone for the Denver Central Office of AA.) It was great fun to go to H.'s house and eat and hang out with fellow AA members. I don't believe the phone rang once while I was there. Someone said it was because the moon was full last night, but I don't know about that. Sometimes you get lots of calls, sometimes you don't.

I got another chance to talk more with a woman I have been acquainted with for 17 years. I hate to say that I didn't like her when I met her because my boyfriend at that time was very interested in her - he said it was because she was new and needed his help - I thought it was because she was 25 years old and pretty. Anyway - cut to 2006 - she is married to someone from my morning group and she attends the 5:30 meeting I like so much. The other night at the 5:30, a visitor introduced herself and said she was from Pittsburgh. I whispered to J. "I was born in Pittsburgh." To which she replied, "I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio." To which I replied, "Oh My God, I grew up in _______," (which is a small town just outside of Youngstown), To which she replied "I went to _____"(Catholic School in this town), To which I replied "SO DID I!" I could not believe that we went to the same grade school! That was so cool! Sorry to be so mysterious, but I don't want to come up on searches for that little town and that little catholic grade school. I am really grateful that I have learned to not keep my first impression of people, because I would successfully eliminate about 99% of my friends if I did.

"We of AA obey spiritual principles, at first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. Great suffereing and great love are AA's disciplinarians; we need no others." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 174

I'm in love with Alcoholics Anonymous

It is a beautiful November Saturday Morning. I just got done running 6.2 miles - yes a real 10 kilometers - at a trail around a nearby lake. It was awesome. When I got done, I broke down in tears. Luckily no one was around to see me sobbing. I was thanking God from the depths of my soul for the life I have today. Thanks to the Grace of a Loving God, I have been given Grace and Perfect Mercy, and not justice. If I got what I deserved, it would not be pretty.

I went to a meeting last night and another this morning. I said the same thing in both of them. I am so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. Last night an old friend from school called me to tell me about his really huge new job. He talked to me about a job in Northern California. I could not believe what came out of my mouth - I said I am not interested in a high power job right now.

All I want right now is to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, going to tons of meetings and doing what I am doing. I want to be around the people I love - in AA and my family. I want to be a member of my church. I want to continue to be able to run 5 times a week. I don't want to go off to a strange land for a high powered job with all the pressure that goes along with that.

So, although I have some pretty upsetting life circumstances right now, I feel freaking fantastic because these challenges have forced me to do what I am supposed to be doing. I am so grateful to be sober and to have a wonderful way of life and a wonderful fellowship to be part of.

"Our entire AA program rests upon the principle of mutual trust. We trust God, we trust AA, and we trust each other." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 310

Friday Morning

Lance Armstrong talked to me again on my iPod. I recorded my personal best for the mile this morning. Woo Hoo. 8:41. On the treadmill. In case you are wondering what the heck I am talking about, it is called Nike Plus - plugs into your iPod, you put a sensor in your shoe, and it records your running data. And occassionally, after your run - if you have done something special - Lance or some other jock congratulates you on it. I don't think I have met another soul who thinks this sounds great, but I sure do. The folks at the gym must wonder what I am getting so freaking excited about.

Last night I got to share a meal with another alcoholic after a wonderful AA meeting. Does it get any better than this? I don't think so. I just realized how strange this probably sounds to someone who is still drinking or who has just gotten sober. But I have had enough days in my life of high excitement and drama. It is so good to enjoy quiet moments and simple but wonderful fellowship.

"When ready, we say something like this: 'My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.' We have now completed Step Seven." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

I get to be a knitting granny

The newcomer asks his sponsor "Why are the people in AA so OLD?" to which the wise sponsor replies, "Because they LIVED."

"If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 288

All Hallows

I am off to church this morning because indeed this is the day of which Halloween is the Eve. Then to Election Judge training all morning. WHY did I volunteer to be an election judge? This is the last thing I want to do right now.

Some of you asked about how my candy plan worked. I bought only candy I didn't like in an attempt to avoid eating candy all day as I usually do on Halloween. I am pleased to report that it worked! I ate one piece of candy all day. Mid-afternoon, I decided to have one tootsie roll pop. One. 60 calories. 10 grams of sugar. Yay!

My family is in big turmoil right now. Meth daughter is withdrawing and not being a very nice person. Her twin sister took the girls from her last night. We were at Target last night as it was closing, buying the girls enough clothes to last a day or two. What a sight we must have been - Wonder Woman, a Purple Fairy, a tired Grandmother, and a very sweet Aunt. I must remember that God loves each of us and is actively caring for each of us. I can only do what I can do - and it helps no one to become a nut case trying to control outcomes and other people's behavior. Please say a prayer if you can.

"We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 104

65 Miles

I ran 65 miles in October. I am very happy about this. I will be 55 years old in 6 weeks and I hope to run 5.5 miles on the morning of my 55th birthday. A mile for each decade. I ran 3 miles on my 30th birthday, which I thought was a huge deal. Someday I hope to run huge mileage on my sobriety date - maybe not. I hope to be 50 years sober when I am 82, maybe I won't be running 5 miles that morning? (This might be a reasonable goal for Shannon, who sobered up extremely young, but probably not me.)

I bought a bunch of candy I don't like in hopes that I won't be tempted to eat it all day. At the hospital, the kids come around and trick or treat, it is fun, but sad to see how extremely ill some of the kids are. I am glad they can do something fun though. I may or may not see my grandbabies tonight, depending on what my daughter decides to do. I just hope they have a fun halloween, regardless of where they are.

Now for an extremely spooky and bone chillingly frightening quote from the big book:

"Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!" - - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 151
I would rather face Freddy Krueger than those hideous Four Horsemen again!

Monday Morning

A couple of lonely aspen leaves.

I am on my way out of here to the gym. I kicked back yesterday and didn't run at all. I went to a meeting at 7:30 a.m., it was my friend Fred's 35th AA birthday. I looked back at my blog and realized that I posted about his 34th last year. (It is sad to realize that one of my dear friends I wrote about last year, Eddie, is now in the big meeting in the sky.) Fred is such a cool guy. He wanted to have a sobriety countdown at the end of the meeting and so we did that. In this small room, there were 431 years of sobriety. We just went around the room and each said how many years we had and Terry wrote down the numbers. I added them up with my handy-dandy palm pilot. It was very moving to see each person state their sober time.

My iPod isn't charged this morning, so I am charging it while I post - I intended to post after my run so that I could sit here and sweat and cool down. I really enjoy that.

"If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails, if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 181 (Dr. Bob's Nightmare)

Constitutionally incapable

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. " -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

On the night of July 24, 1989, I celebrated 5 years of continuous sobriety, which was a very big deal. That night, I went to a meeting in East Hampton, NY. They read chapter 5 at the beginning of the meeting and I experienced a feeling I will try to describe.

For my first five years of sobriety, I would hear the beginning of chapter 5 (quoted above) and get a chill of fear. I was so afraid that I was the person they described. I was afraid that I was incapable of being honest with myself. I was afraid I had grave emotional and mental disorders, I had a lingering fear that I just couldn't qualify for this wonderful fellowship and recovery from this dreadful disease.

On the night I celebrated 5 years, I heard that paragraph being read, and felt like jumping for joy! That unfortunate must not me! I must have been able to be honest enough to stay sober for 5 years, I must have been able to be honest in spite of some grave emotional and mental disorders! There was hope for me!

Thank God for the wisdom of the big book and the people who use it. Thank God no one told me that I was just too screwed up for AA. Thank God I was embraced into this fellowship and have remained here for these years.

You cannot get here from there. Only by the Grace of a Loving God.

Meetings

I went to two AA meetings yesterday. The first was a noon meeting, the second was a 6:00 meeting at my church. I have been there once before, but this time the meeting was incredible! They recently moved to a larger room, but still the room was so full there were people out in the hallway! It was a great meeting and I plan on going back next Friday. I am so happy about all these meetings, I feel like an excited newcomer again. It is a wonderful thing.

Last night while I was sharing at the meeting, I mentioned my sobriety date (7/24/84). After the meeting a man came over and shook my hand and said he also got sober on July 24, but in 1993. But then he said something that blew me away. He said "what a great sobriety date, 24/7" I tell you, I never once thought about that! So now I will.

This morning I am going to the 6:30 meeting and then will go to a park to run. I used to run at this park many years ago. It is pretty and it is relatively flat, so I think it would be good go there and get some outdoor running done without all the hills that are in my neighborhood.

I am so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. I feel that I have been wrapped in the arms of this fellowship and that I am being carried through a difficult time, by the love of my fellows and the grace of a loving God. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

"We now know that we do not have to run away, nor ought we again try to overcome adversity by still another bulldozing power drive that can only push up obstacles before us faster than they can be taken down." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 20

Icey Friday Morning

When I got to work yesterday, I had an e-mail from my son. He is fine, just really busy. Thank you God.

I just got back from the gym. It was nice to run my 3 miles, but once again, I am sitting here sweating when I should be ready and on my way to work.

Last night at the 5:30 meeting, I was listening to an older woman talk. I have only been attending this meeting for a month or so, so I really don't know everyone. But when she mentioned one of the old sages from my early sobriety, I really listened. Dick S. was a wonderful man who smoked a pipe and had a perpetual twinkle in his eye. He would say things that would cut you to the quick, and you wouldn't even know you had been wounded. One of my favorites was "if you are feeling guilty, maybe it's because you are." I talked to this woman after the meeting and was thrilled to hear that she will celebrate 30 years of sobriety in December. She admired the crazy green socks I am knitting, so she just might find herself the lucky owner of them! (d0n't tell my daughters, both of them want the green socks, but I can always knit more.)

I am so grateful that there is no longer a "smoking" meeting in Colorado - although I have heard that some clubs are ignoring the law. Trudge, you will appreciate this... someone found my blog the other day by searching "Colorado AA clubs exempt from smoking ban." I feel like the whole world of meetings is open to me again, and I have really taken advantage of it. I have met people I would not have otherwise met, and re-ignited some old friendships of people I haven't sat in meetings with for a long time. Right now, with my son in Iraq and my daughter in meth-land, I really feel I need to be sitting in lots and lots of meetings. It does give me relief, it gets me out of myself, and it gives me the opportunity to be of service, and also to let others be of service to me.

I better get ready for work.

"Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 276

Three Generations

My daughter and granddaughters came over last night. I told Megan that I wanted to take a picture of the girls' hands, and she choreographed this photo with one hand of mine, one of hers, and both of the girls' hands. I really like it.

My new morning routine worked out OK yesterday. I got to the gym late and only had time to run 2 miles. I got to the meeting late, but still was glad I was there. Shock of Shocks! I got to WORK on time! Yikes!

It is snowing like crazy out there, so I better kick it in the butt and get out of here.

"Everybody knows that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. So let each family play together or separataely, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 132-133

Something new

Today I am going to try something new. I have packed my work clothes, a bag with my hairspray, hairdryer, make-up, etc., and will shower and dress at the gym after running three miles on the treadmill. THEN I am going to try to get to the 6:30 meeting (on time.) I have my breakfast packed and ready to eat in my office after all of this. I hope this works. It sure is cutting into my blogging time though.

Nothing has changed with my kids. I sure appreciate your loving thoughts and prayers yesterday.

"The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 93

Strawberry Jam

I keep asking my son what he needs from "home". The only thing he has asked for is some strawberry jam - only if I have some, mind you. Well, this year I never did can anything, so I don't have any strawberry jam made. Yesterday I finally found some strawberries and made some strawberry jam for my son, and will mail it to Iraq.

I haven't heard from him for 9 days now. I am fighting that panic that I get.

My daughter is so addicted to meth and so dysfunctional. Last night I quietly let her know that I am aware she lost her job... she was pretending that she just got off work, but in reality got fired a week or two ago. I do not know what is going to happen to her or her daughters, my granddaughters.

I am praying a lot. On my knees. I know that it is all as it should be, it just doesn't feel too great right at this moment. So, I will put on my running gear and head on out to the gym to get on the treadmill. Once I hook myself up to my iPod, I tend to forget everything for 30 or 40 minutes while I run. It is a good deal. Then I will go to my job and put in an honest day of work.

"We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 88

Monday AM

Another photo from my trip. This one is as you head south from Clifton, which is just east of Grand Junction, CO.

Yesterday after I posted and made some phone calls, I went out for a "quick" 2 mile run. At about 1.5 miles, I decided to do 3. At 2.5 miles, I decided that I could do 5. At 5, I decided I could easily do another mile and complete a 10K for the first time since the 80s. At 6.1 miles, I forgot that a 10K is 6.2 miles, and quit running. I missed doing a 10K by .1 mile! Oh well. I still ran over 6 miles. I have not done that since the 80s, when I was in my 30s. I am a little sore this morning, but not bad for a woman in her mid-fifties!

I am so grateful to be able to do this. Like most alcoholics, I have had some health problems, including a lifelong battle with the scale. Three years ago, I could not run for 5 minutes, let alone 5 or 6 miles. When I started running, I would walk up a hill near my house, and then "run" for 5 minutes down the hill. Believe me, that was enough! It didn't help that I weighed around 200 lbs. Now I weigh considerably less than that and I can run! This is such a blessing to a woman who drank every day for 18 years, smoked 2 packs a day for 25 years, huffed aerosols in my youth(among other things), had 3 vertebrae in my neck fused with bone grafts and titanium rods just 7 years ago... I thought I would never run again. In reality, it is a miracle that I am even alive.

"Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Back Home

As you can see, we did run into snow. A lot of it. This picture was taken from inside the rest area at the top of the Vail Pass. It was so beautiful. I love sunny days after a big snow. The roads were not bad today. Friday was a bit dicey at times, but we made it through.

It was wonderful to see my sponsor and her husband. We went to a couple of meetings, sat and talked a lot, and ate WAY too much. The time just flew... even the time in the car. Sharing with another alcoholic just puts you into another time dimension where the time just goes without notice.

I am so full of gratitude right now, words really couldn't begin to tell you how grateful I am to be sober and to have some sober years behind me and priceless long term sober relationships developed over the years. If you are new to AA, please keep coming back, it is SO worth it. I will endeavor to get to all your blogs today. XXXXOOOO MC

"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition "happy are ye who know these things and do them." For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 551 (both 3rd and 4th editions)

Over the river and through the wood...

To my sponsor's house I go. Yay! I am so excited about the prospect of being eyeball to eyeball with my sponsor for the first time in 6 months. Say a prayer for weather that is conducive to driving over mountain passes (please.)

This morning I got up and went to the gym and ran 3.10 miles, and then got to the 6:30 meeting (on time!). I smelled pretty bad and was dripping with sweat, but they tolerated me, thank God.

I will most likely be a crappy blogger for the next day or so while I am gone. But I usually find a way to blog no matter what, so we shall see.

"The expression of the faces of the women, that indefinable something in the eyes of the men, the stimulating and electric atmosphere of the place, conspired to let him know that here was haven at last." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 160

New Flannel Jammies

I was sure glad I had these nice warm flannel pajamas yesterday when my furnace wasn't working. It was only a blown fuse and got fixed for $102. Phew!!! And yes, Life IS good, as long as I don't pick up a drink, one day at a time.

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 53

Brrrr.....

It is 20 something degrees outside. There are maybe six inches of snow. When I got up this morning I realized my heat wasn't on - though it was on last night when I went to bed. So I checked the thermostat. It is 60 degrees in here. According to the thermostat, the heat is on. I checked the pilot, and it is on. EEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!! I will have to get a service from the heating company. Shoot. This is NOT in this month's budget. At all.

I will call the big Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning Company and someone will come over in a truck with my friend's name all over it. And I will smile, because I remember when my friend dragged into AA 20 years ago. There were no trucks with his name on them then. He has been such a success in every way in AA.

I had a pretty picture of snow this morning, but blogger is being naughty again. So, I will just be grateful if I can get this post posted.

"We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 21
*****************Update************************
I posted the picture of the snow on my little ponderosa pines on my deck. Aren't the little lights pretty? Now, if only the heating guy will get here and find out I only need a $2.00 part - or even $200.00 - Just not a $3,000 furnace. Please.

Tuesday Morning

I have been to some great meetings in the last week. They have helped to remind me that God will never give me more than I can handle. I have felt overwhelmed with my job, but if I get my pride and ego out of the way, I don't have a problem. If I am not worried about looking "good" or looking "bad", I can just do my job without all the attending B.S.

On Sunday morning, I went to my friend Terry's 23rd AA birthday. I was able to give her the chip I have been carrying around for almost three months. On my 22nd birthday, that group did not have a 22 year chip, so Terry gave me a 23 year chip, and told me I would have to bring it back to her on her 23rd b.d. It was nice to be able to do that. That meeting was so wonderful. Terry was someone I could not stand for my first ten years of sobriety, and the feeling was quite mutual. We talked about that in the meeting, it was great fun. I am so grateful that we love each other today. It is amazing what happens when you stay sober, and do what is suggested. Miracles, I tell you!

I slept well last night and I am off to the gym now. I will actually get to work on time this morning barring unforseen circumstances.

"Absolute humility would consist of a state of complete freedom from myself, freedom from all the claims that my defects of character now lay so heavily upon me. Perfect humility would be a full willingness, in all times and places, to find and to do the will of God." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 106

Monday Morning

I have had a very busy weekend. I am very tired. I slept very little on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Today I need to prepare for a presentation that I am to give at 2:00 this afternoon, followed by my quarterly presentation to Governing Body tomorrow. Oh, I am going to be praying today! I need to be on top of my game, not so tired I can barely see straight.

On Friday evening, after working all day on the materials for the presentation, I could not save the document. It would not save to the network, to the hard drive, to a flash drive, or a CD. It had done this earlier in the day, I called ITS, they came and looked and said "sorry, you just lost that document", but you should not have any further problems... ha. At 5:30 p.m, it just would not save and there was no one to call. So, I just shut off my computer and left. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that I make a pretty decent wage regardless of how well I am enjoying myself, or how well things are going. So, on Friday, I could say that at least I made a living wage for the day.

And today I better get to work at a decent time, and put in a full day, doing my work to the best of my ability with the resources available to me. I can thank God that I have a full life that some times cuts into my precious sleep time.

"True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is th e profound desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124-125

New York City, 1989

When I saw a map of Manhattan in the newspaper earlier this week - pointing out where a plane had crashed into a building- I was reminded of this map. It has been kept safely in my big book since 1989, because it is a momento of a powerful experience I had.

I was sober 5 years, was going through a terrible time, and had gone to stay at my sister's house in the Hamptons for the summer. I found a morning meeting there and night meetings there, and after a month or so, got to know some fellow sober alcoholics out there.

At the end of the summer, it was time for me to come back to Denver. I stayed a day or two at my sister's apartment in the city first. On my last day there, my niece (she is now 10 years sober, but was just 18 at the time) and I took the subway to do some shopping. After we were done, I realized that she was not going back to the apartment with me. I absolutely panicked! Holy Cow! How was I going to get around New York City all by myself? None of it made any sense to me, and it was so fast paced and frightening to me! My niece drew me the above map and told me which bus to get on and where to get off, etc. After she left, I stood for a long time at the wrong bus stop, and finally realized it and went to another bus stop. By the time the right bus got there, I was really panic stricken.

I got on the bus, and heard someone say "Hi Mary". I looked around and it was someone I knew from AA in East Hampton. Oh my Goodness! What on earth were the odds that I would run into someone I knew on a bus in Manhattan? I went and sat with him, and he not only showed me where to get off the bus, but got off with me, and walked me to my sister's building.

I don't know when I have ever been so profoundly grateful for the Grace of a loving God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous! I considered that a miracle that day, and I still do today. All of my needs are always met. I just need to always remember that.

Of course, I could go on and on with story, after story, after story... but I would sound like a boring old woman, so I will stop. Thanks for listening to this one.

"Some day we hope that every alcoholic who journeys will find a Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous at his destination." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 162

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Fear of Friday the 13th. I don't happen to have that fear, but it is interesting to know that there is a term for it if I should happen to begin to suffer from it.

I just got in from a 5K (3.10 mile) run. It is absolutely glorious out there! 32 degrees and sunny. This is the kind of morning that makes me fully realize why I love Colorado so much. As always, I am running late for work, sitting here in my spiffy new running gear, not looking so spiffy being darkened by sweat. Oh well... that is what it is for.

Had dinner last night with someone after the meeting. There is nothing like sitting with a fellow sober alcoholic and sharing a meal and laughs and little pieces of our souls. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. I love it.

Thanks Al-Anon Lifer for reminding me of this passage, it is a good one... the 5th step promises:

"Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 75

cannot be nAAked today

I can't post a photo from work. I couldn't get into blogger from home. I am so busy today and even donating blood at 10:30. I wore my red sweater and red shoes for the occassion. I had a picture for today, but alas! It must be something that is not meant to be.

I will probably post more later when I get home.

Let's see... what can I quote right off the top of my head? And if I get it wrong, it will actually please me having once been a "know-it-all" big book thumper. I still thump it, but try to be a bit more humble about it now....

"We will be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God Bless you and keep you until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. ?

Nothing Notable

Going on. Just got in from a 2 mile run. Went to Red Rocks to run the stairs last night with my friend Jean. I probably shouldn't have run at all this morning, but I just bought a new outfit to run in yesterday. Delayed Gratification? What the hell is that? If I buy something new, I want to wear it NOW! I have never before actually gone out and bought a color coordinated outfit to run or work out in. It is pretty cute to have a green and black outfit. Black pants, black vest, green long-sleeved shirt, which goes with my green shoes. Yep. It is cool.

I am grateful for the folks who come by my blog - all the regulars, and then the folks who get here by searches. I feel bad when I have some inane post about my running gear if you have come here in serious need of help. I guess I can say that as a result of staying sober, one day at a time, days turning into months, and months turning into years, and years turning into decades - some days all I am worried about is how cute my running gear is. But not all days are like that - see some posts of the last week - I have been pretty upset on a day or two. But I don't have to drink over any of it. It is possible to stay sober, by the Grace of a loving God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, no matter what is going on.

"God willing, we members of AA may never again have to deal with drinking, but we have to deal with sobriety every day. How do we do it? By learning - through practicing the Twelve Steps and through sharing at meetings - how to cope with the problems that we looked to booze to solve, back in our drinking days." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd ed., p. 560 (the story 'to handle sobriety')

Two things I said I will 'never' do...

I just did. At the same time. I ran in the dark and with my iPod. I ran three miles before it was even light outside. Frankly it was scary from time to time (but not as scary as the 6:30 meeting yesterday morning.) I am so grateful that I am able to run, and I love running in this weather. It is 37 degrees and cloudy. That is great running weather.

My son called last night. Phew! He sounded good. He had just gotten off work and was even able to watch part of Monday Night Football. Even though it was Tuesday morning there. And what a great game, no?

Yesterday I went to a 5:30 p.m. meeting and it was one of the most amazing meetings I have ever been to (and I have been to a lot!) A woman shared - her father just died unexpectedly that morning. A lot of people shared their experience, strength, and hope about living sober through all the events life has in store for us. The most amazing thing was to listen to my friend J., who is now in his 70s and on oxygen. I have known him since he was in his 50s and smoked like a chimney (but that's another story). He cried, tears of gratitude, when he talked about how he was able to be there for his mother as she was dying - because he was sober. And that is when the waterworks started again for me. Some of the stories shared by the older members were just so incredible. Sobriety is not just for us - it has such a profound impact on our families.

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 84

Columbus Day

I am grateful I am not working today. That I just ran 4 miles in less than 41 minutes. That it is raining. That I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That I have been a member for a while. That I can cry through an AA meeting.... and that no one there has ever seen me do that before.

I have not heard from my son for the last week. I woke up this morning feeling a little panicky about that. So I went to an AA meeting. Where, once again, the topic was snickering about the chicanery of organized religion. I am so fucking sick of this. A few people threw in their disdain for the government of the United States of America.

I reminded the group of the 10th tradition. Then I sat and cried. I am feeling so fragile today and I just felt so disappointed. But after the meeting, I got to talk with some of my friends, and I am grateful for them. My friend Mike, who just celebrated 7 years on Saturday, hugged me - and I noticed the pack of Kools in his pocket! On man, I really could have just grabbed one and stuck it in my mouth! That was My BRAND!

If I am sharing about my own experience, strength, and hope there is nothing to argue about. If I start throwing in my opinions, we have just opened up the grand debating society. I realize that some people have had bad experiences with their church (most of them seem to belong to my denomination), and I would never discourage them from talking about their own experience. But when it crosses the line into condemning religions, governments, world leaders - it just doesn't belong in an AA meeting.

On a MUCH lighter note - I got my template changed yesterday and I really like it. I think it looks like a Generic Alcoholic Page. Just black on white. Plain as can be. Thanks for the help that was so kindly offered.

"Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things which matter so much to some people no longer signify much to them. How could they?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 161

Life is Good

I turned these healthy, fiber filled, fall-a-licious apples into:
This super fat and calorie filled taste sensation! It was the hit of night watch last night! And, oooh, it was good. (More photos of the pie making process at my photo blog.)

I am beginning to adjust to the fact that it is fall. I am sitting here at my desk, there are no leaves on the tree outside my window. There aren't even many leaves left on the lawn after my labor yesterday. This morning it was dark as I left for my 7:30 a.m. meeting. I am going to turn off my sprinkler system today. I am also going to put Christmas lights on two ponderosa pines (in pots) I just put on my deck. I hope that will be pretty. I will probably leave them on all year if they are. And, the best thing of all is that I can hear the sounds of football commentary from my television set. I really love anything having anything to do with football.

Night Watch was really wonderful last night. I was one of the last people to leave which is highly unusual behavior for me. After about 9:00, most everyone had cleared out, and there were five of us, sitting around the dining room table, having great AA fellowship. Those are the best times of all.

"Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now. Each day my friend's simple talk in our kitchen multiplies itself in a widening circle of peace on earth and good will to men." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 16

Saturday Morning

I have been up most of the night. But I am still looking forward to the day. It is the first day of a three day weekend, and I feel the weekend stretching endlessly before me. I can take a nap this afternoon. I am going to a 6:30 meeting this morning, and then I will hit the gym. I will come back home and rake those leaves. Tonight one of my groups is having night watch, so I will head over there after church. It is usually a great deal of fun. We answer the phones for the Denver Central Office of AA, we have a potluck dinner, and some good fellowship.

I hope some time this weekend to work on my blog. My links are in serious need of updating. I would also like to change my template, but the last time I did that I really regretted it.

"AA is a spiritual program and a spiritual way of life. Even the first half of the First Step, ' we admitted we were powerless over alcohol,' is a spiritual experience. An AA member needs more than physical capabilities; he needs the use of his full faculties as a human being to hear the message, to think about it, to review the effects of the past, to realize, to admit, and to accept. These processes are activities of the mind, which is part of the spirit." -- Came to Believe, p. 3 (thanks for reminding me of this great book in your HNT picture daave.)

Happy Friday!

The last rose of the summer. It is pretty, isn't it?

I had a great run this morning. I actually felt a little bit of lightness and happiness in my soul this morning. When I first opened my door and stepped outside, the world was bathed in the red-orange morning light, it was truly beautiful and I felt it in my heart.

I have an appointment at work at 8:15. It is now nearly 8:00 and I am sitting at home, dripping sweat, in my running gear. I need to call him and let him know I will be late. I need to get in the shower and get ready and out of here.

Have a Happy Friday everyone.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3 (my favorite quote of any AA literature)

I'm leAAving!

My neighbor saw me taking this picture last night and shook her head. She asked me why I am always outside taking pictures of my feet and my hands, etc. She hasn't yet realized that it is always on Wednesday night - getting ready for half naaked thursday. She just thinks I am odd. Imagine that!

"Change is the characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish dependence to adult responsibility - all this and infinitely more represent change for the better." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 76

Thank You

Thank you all for your nice comments yesterday. I think what we saw was my disease rearing its ugly head. On Monday night, I was sitting in a meeting thinking what nice people "they" were. I wasn't going to share because I figured I had nothing of value to say. I realized what was going on there, and I did share and told the group about my crazy thoughts.

If I start thinking the people at an AA meeting are "them" then I must be "me" and "me" is alone. If I think what I have to say has no value to anyone then I am also full of ego in thinking that I am so special that no one could possibly relate to me. That I am so unique, worthless, fabulous, whatever - that my experience, strength, and hope won't help anyone else. What a crock!

Yesterday morning, again, I sat down to write and thought - who the hell cares about what the hell I ate for breakfast, or my morning run, or my concerns over my kids, my worrying about my grandkids, or how insane I am going over worrying about my son in a war on the other side of the planet.

Most of you were kind enough to remind me that you visit someone's blog because you WANT to read about what is going on in THEIR life! I know that I love to visit my blogger buddies' blogs and see what is going on. And I don't care if they are writing about what they ate for breakfast. I think it is fascinating to read about people all over the world and follow their daily ins and outs.

I talked with my sponsor for a long time yesterday. I hope to be going to the western slope and will stay with her for a weekend later this month. I think I just better make that a priority and do it come hell or high water (or snow).

Thanks again everyone. I am so grateful for this community.

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. Either we were shy, and dared not draw near others, or we were apt to be noisy good fellows craving attention and companionship but never getting it - at least to our way of thinking...... When we reached AA, and for the first time in our lives stood among people who seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 57

How Self-Centered is a Blog?

Over the last week or so, I have really become concerned about this. I feel that all I talk about is Me! Me! Me! I know there is value in sharing our experience, strength, and hope, but I am concerned about vanity here.

I am not in my happiest frame of mind. I have faith in God and concentrate on turning my thoughts to others, I am going to lots of meetings. I am reaching out to others. I am practiced at the art of finding gratitude in all things, great and small. I am doing the self-care that you all hear about every single day in my blog. I have a deep and abiding faith that all will be exactly the way it is supposed to be. But right now it just does not feel too good. And I am concerned about blogging about this.

So - the question is: how self-centered do you think a blog is?

"Worry; see Fear" -- As Bill Sees It, p. x

4th Place!

At the race yesterday I came in 4th place in my age group. I cannot begin to say how much that thrills me. If only... I hadn't stopped to tie my shoe, I hadn't stopped to pick up my drivers license which fell out of my pocket, and I hadn't stopped for a sip of water... perhaps I would have won a prize! Which is not to negate the glory of 4th place. I think it is wonderful.

I got a call from my son last night. I was glad to hear from him, but worried too. It was 5:00 a.m. there and he was just getting off work. He said he had worked for 11 hours. I guess I would sound tired too after 11 hours of working. But flying at night in a hostile land must make you extremely tired. And it makes his mother tired too, just thinking about it.

I am looking forward to going to work today. I am beginning two huge projects and I love a big fat challenge. I am looking forward to getting to a meeting tonight. I haven't been to a meeting all weekend and I really need to go be with people like me.

"the foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 51

10/1 5K

I'm off to run a 5K (3.1 miles) race this morning. I am nervous about it because my running is slow in comparison with the folks who get out and run competitively. In my annual triathlon, the running is always my worst event. I make good times in swimming and biking, but not so good in running. Which is kind of ironic, since my mainstay exercise throughout the year is running. I love to run. But I don't like to feel like a snail next to people who are flying past me. So - why am I doing this race? I am doing it because it is a race organized by my neighbor. I do this in support of her and she does appreciate it.

I am grateful that I am capable of getting out on an early Sunday morning and running 3.1 miles. Last year I had a broken rib and had to walk this race. I am grateful that I don't have a hangover and all the remorse that goes with it. I am grateful that I have sober days in my past and I pray that I have many more - until they plant my elderly remains in the ground! I am also grateful that yesterday I got to spend the day with my granddaughters. I am also grateful that my daughter came to pick them up last night. There is a good reason that young people are parents and old people are grandparents.

Wish me good luck on my race!

"Faced with alcoholic destruction, we became open-minded on spiritual matters. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It funally beat us into a state of reasonableness." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 48

*** UPDATE *** UPDATE*** UPDATE ***
I just checked the results and I came in 4th place in my age category! Holy Moly!

I love Saturday Mornings

Look at what's outside my window this morning! And there's lots more of those little yellow things on my lawn!
Look what's on my bedroom floor! My granddaughters stayed last night and will be here with me today while their mother (my daughter) moves.

It is a beautiful day. This is typically my favorite time of the year. Somehow all the events of the summer have left me like a grieving person who doesn't want the seasons to change. But today I will enjoy the day. I will get outside with my Olivia and Madeline and play in the golden sunshine.

"As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. We were reborn." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

September's Goal Met!

My downloaded run information for September. I met my goal of 60 miles! The most I have ever run in a month before this was 45 miles (in August). I am very excited about this. And I LOVE Nike + iPod!
Look at the leaves on my front lawn this morning!
The beginning of sunrise as I headed back from my run this a.m.

As I took a picture of the sunrise, I was taken by the beautiful silence of the morning. I said a prayer of thanks for it.

"In the morning we think of the hours to come. Perhaps we think of our day's work and the chances it may afford us to be useful and helpful, or of some special problem that it may bring." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 102

fAAmily issues

I am grateful that I have a family to love and to love me. And they give me plenty to pray about every day.

I finally got hold of my sponsor last night. She is out of state visiting with her sister. So we could talk about family issues - both of us having very fresh experiences. We agreed that no matter how long you have been sober, how many times you have done the steps, how "well" you have gotten - there are still old wounds that will occassionally hurt.

Now please do not interpret that to mean that it is OK to walk around feeling like a victim all the time, because that is not the case. Through the steps and staying sober, one day at a time, year after year, we get freedom from that trap. We learn to walk with our heads up - claiming our places as God's people on this earth. We learn to take responsibility for our selves and our happiness. And that is truly a miracle.

"We form ideas as to what we think God's will is for other people. We say to ourselves, 'This one ought to be cured of his fatal malady,' or 'That one ought to be relieved of his emotional pain,' and we pray for these specific things. Such prayers, of course, are fundamentally good acts, but often they are based upon a supposition that we know God's will for the person for whom we pray. This means that side by side with an earnest prayer there can be a certain amount of presumption and conceit in us. It is AA's experience that particuarly in these cases we ought to pray that God's will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

RID

Restless, Irritable, and Discontent. I am not a happy girl today. I will get over it. Honest. But right now - I am not happy.

I had no internet access last night at home. Or this morning. And I called Qwest about my DSL and I don't want to write a damn book about this, but I am not happy with those people.

At work my computer is not working right either. I have a help desk ticket in, and I am sure it will get resolved. And my DSL at home should be all right tonight... I hope.

I seem to have gotten wrapped up in the worldly world with my sister's visit and now I need to seriously get readjusted. I have no perspective. I am still reeling from watching her purchase a $1,700. handbag. It is none of my business, but I don't get it. And I can't live in that world. I do not have those values. Frankly, if I do adhere to those values, I better get used to the idea that I am a big fat loser, which I do not believe.

I did take a nice sunrise 3 mile run this morning - which brings my September total to 58 miles. Only 2 more miles to go to get my 60 miles. And I have a race on Sunday. It will be good.

Back to work

That's a picture of the train we took on Saturday. It was really, really fun. It goes 12 miles one way through the Royal Gorge - along the Arkansas River outside of Canon City (Colorado), then stops, and goes back. It takes an hour each way. It is beautiful and the lunch we were served was really good. My sister really enjoyed it and that was a relief - I was pretty nervous about her liking much of anything since she is such a city person. I tried to get her to take a mini-mini-mini hike, but it never happened. Somehow we got WAY too busy shopping on Sunday to get out to the mountains.

I am grateful that I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love many people, and I enjoy many things... but nothing is as good as sitting with my fellow alcoholics in an AA meeting - where I belong. I love AA. I love AA members. That is where I belong. Thanks to AA, I can go out in the world and get along with people, and look like I pretty much fit in most of the time, but I know what my reality is. My reality is that all of this seeming normalness is only by the Grace of a Loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Left to my own devices, I am a drooling, babbling, peeing-my-pants drunk - who doesn't get along with ANYONE for more than a few minutes.

"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition, 'happy are ye who know these things and do them.' For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd ed., p. 551

I'm Tired

But Happy. It has been a very nice weekend with my sister. It has been fun to be a tourist in my own state. It has been nice to visit with my sister on my own turf... it is usually me visiting her in NYC. I tried to get her to take a hike with me yesterday and that never happened. Oh well. I feel like there is so much to write, but I am almost out of here to take her to the airport. Maybe I will write later today, because thankfully I have taken the whole day off work. I need some serious down-time now. Oh, and I cannot wait to get to a meeting. I haven't been to one since Weds.

"Now that we're in AA and sober, winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against the dangers of big-shot-ism, we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 92

Saturday Morning

I am going to be a crappy blogger for the next day or so. I haven't had time to visit everyone's blog, and I don't have much time to write something thoughtful now. But I am having a great visit with my sister. We went out for dinner last night at a restaurant I have always wanted to go to. It is Uber Expensive, but a real Colorado experience. I had Prime Rib of Buffalo! My sister and I had many fits of uncontrolled giggling. My father used to love to watch us giggle, I could just imagine him last night looking down and smiling again at his daughters.

Today we are taking a train ride through the Royal Gorge. It is a 2 hour train trip, and we will be seated in the dome car, eating lunch. It should be fun. Even though the weather is absolutely awful - cold and rainy. It takes 2 hours to get to Canon City from whence the train departs, so this will be an all day excursion for us. And fun, I hope.

What a miracle it is for this old drunk to be able to have a happy visit with my older sister. By the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I get to live a peaceful and happy life today, without all the worries and trials that active alcoholism carries with it.

"We of AA obey spiritual principles, at first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. Great suffering and great love are AA's disciplinarians; we need no others." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 174

Friday

My sister is flying into Denver this morning. I am excited and a little nervous. I put her flight info into my palm and when I checked it last night, it wasn't there. I had to totally reset my palm last week and I didn't realize there was info I had lost... but sure enough, her flight info isn't there. I looked at the airline website and I am sure I know what flight she is going to be on, but this is a bit disconcerting. I hope to God I am not standing at the wrong baggage carousel waiting for her. Yikes. Don't even want to think about that.

I cleaned all day yesterday which just seems nuts. How can a house you live in all the time need so much cleaning? I just kept finding more things I needed to do. And this morning, I am still finding more things I need to do. I better get on with it.

Update: My son did call yesterday afternoon. It was 1:00 a.m. in Iraq so he sounded good, but tired. It helps so much to hear from him. He said he should be able to call about once a week, I sure hope so.

Wish me good luck with my sister's visit.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

The hope...

of another day. Another sober day. There is always hope as long as I don't take a drink of alcohol.

I am somewhat awestruck by some of my commenters lately. I mostly treat this blog like a bit of a lark, I just put something on it every day that is hopefully somewhat entertaining. I try to always make the connection between my every day life to the miracle of living sober. I have made the assumption (yeah, I know...) that my readership, however small, was mostly comprised of recovering alcoholics. However, I am finding that a fairly large percentage of my readers have gotten to my blog by searching "alcoholics anonymous," "how do I know if I am an alcoholic," "how to deal with an alcoholic mother/son/daughter/father," "will he get sober if I leave," etc.

Every time I get serious on my blog, I say - I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. By the Grace of God, I have been continuously sober since July 24, 1984. That gives me some experience, strength, and hope, which I wish to share with anyone who desires. However, it does not make me an expert on alcoholism, recovery from alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, or anything else. I am a fully fallible human being, an alcoholic human being. I make plenty of mistakes, some of which can be seen here in my postings over the last year. I am honored that people actually read my blog because it is mostly all about me! me! me! I love to read the blogs of other recovering alcoholics. We are hugely entertaining people.

But I feel I must say that if you are trying to stop drinking, please give yourself a break and call Alcoholics Anonymous. Just about anywhere in the world, they will be listed in the telephone book. The top link on my sidebar is information about AA, you can click there and get information on how to contact AA. There are a couple of million of alcoholics who have gotten sober in AA and would love nothing more than to help others to recover.

Al-Anon helps people who are affected by an alcoholic (drunk or sober). It will not teach you how to sober that person up, it will help you to take care of yourself and find happiness regardless of another person's behavior.

Sorry to be so serious today. There are so many hurting people in the world, I wish they all could find the kind of contentment and peace of mind I have found in AA. Not that life is a picnic every day, there are still problems, but I don't have to react to things the way I once did. Today I actually have choices!

"So to you out there - who may soon be with us - we say "Good luck and God bless you!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 121

Wednesday Morning

This will be my last day of work until next Tuesday. I am excited about having 5 days in a row where I don't have to go to work. But I have a lot of work to get done today.

I am fighting a feeling of sadness over missing a call from my son yesterday. I went to a meeting after work, and for the first time since he left in July, I turned my phone off for the meeting. I have been telling people that I am leaving my phone on, sorry, but that is how my son communicates with me and I am not missing a call from him. So, this one time I turn off my phone, he called. He also called my home phone, and his message sounded sad, but if it was 6:00 p.m. here, it was something like 4 a.m. in Iraq. He was probably tired. I don't care if they are thirty days or thirty years old, a mother always is a mother. And he will always be my baby, even though I am aware that he is a grown man. Hopefully he called someone else in the family and I will hear about it today.

"With each passing day of our lives, may every one of us sense more deeply the inner meaning of AA's simple prayer:
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 125

39 Degrees

And I am going to go out and run (last night I found my running gloves and hat). It takes too dang long to drive to the gym and get on the treadmill - and yesterday I got stuck in traffic on the way home and was very late for work. I love using the treadmill because it is not as hard on a body, but being outdoors is much more spiritual. So in a minute, I will go out and run in the cold, dark morning - and won't it be great to see the sunrise?

I am going to take another day of vacation to get everything ready for my sister's visit this weekend. I will take Thursday off in addition to Friday and Monday. It will be nice to have a day to leisurely get ready. I feel like I have spent so much time getting the house ready, and it still just isn't there! My sister has done so much for me over the years, I want to make sure that everything is just right for her when she is here.

We had not spoken for 10 years when I got sober. We reconciled within months of my getting sober. Thank God for this way of life. It is so much more than just not drinking. Not that it isn't a big deal to not drink, because clearly it is, but the other things we get are just incredible. Things that seem to be impossible just somehow fall into place when we commence a spiritual way of life.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us do, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

I Love Monday

I am grateful that I have a job to go to today. I am grateful there will be people there I actually love. I am grateful that I am an "exempt" employee, and don't have to punch a time clock, because, man! am I going to be late! I got stuck in traffic coming home from the gym. I had a good run, and one of these minutes, I am going to get out of these stinky running clothes and get ready for work!

I had my 10,000th visitor last night at 11:53 p.m. It was someone from Seattle, domain name Qwest.net. It was no one with whom I am familiar. So I guess no prize. Dang it!

Again, I will thank all of you bloggers who share your experience, strength, and hope. I cherish each of your blogs and look forward to visiting daily. I am so impressed by the quality of our sharing and the respect with which we treat each other - for the most part.

"I have become a pupil of the AA movement rather than the teacher I once thought I was." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 169

Today or Tomorrow

I should see the 10,000 hit mark on my humble little blog. I wish I could figure out who it is (and hope to God it isn't ME!) so I could send them a prize. Funny, huh?

Date was fine last night. It was my third date with this man. I am going to his house today to watch the Broncos game on his big screen TV. I am not all ga-ga over this guy like I was the last one. I do not know how to do this shit. We went to see the movie "Hollywoodland" which I absolutely LOVED. He didn't like it so much, but I sure did.

I am a little disgruntled this morning because I went out last night instead of going to church like I normally do... then I went to church this morning instead of the Sunday Morning meeting of my home group that is so important to me. I went to lots of meetings last week because I knew the weekend was going to be packed, but I miss my Sunday Morning meeting when I don't get there. When I got home from church I wanted to run outdoors - but decided not to because it is too cold and windy. I can run in the cold, but I just can't deal with the wind today.

My brother forwarded me an e-mail from my son. I read it to my daughter and was relieved that she had the same reaction I did... I thought I was being maybe a bit self-centered (who, me?) But she was also a little bit miffed that he wrote out a nice couple paragraph e-mail to his uncle, but sends us only a sentence or two. I told her he probably knows he can get away with that stuff with us - which, of course, he can. He sounds really good. He said he is doing well, is in nice facilities, has good food and is really busy flying which makes the time go by fast. That is music to a mother's ear. He also said Iraq isn't as much of a desert as he thought it would be - there are trees and a little bit of grass.

So I am grateful I have somewhere to go to watch the football game today. My son used to come over every Sunday and watch the game with me, and this is a challenging time for me. Thank God I don't have to sit here and plunge into despair.

"We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape via the bottle was always our solution. Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 74

62 miles

I purchased my Nike+ iPod thing a month ago, and just calculated how many miles I have run this month - I am thrilled to say that I have broken 60 miles! Yay for me! I just ran 4 miles this morning.

Yesterday at the gym, I was listening to a kinda dirrrty song by Christina Aguilera on my iPod and looked behind me and saw the Priest from my church! At the gym! And suddenly I felt very very naked in my little running shorts and little singlet with my little pink bra showing. Yikes! Then I am wondering - am I a big fat hypocrite? Or am I a many faceted woman? Or am I a case of arrested developement? It is too bizarre that I am going to be 55 in December - I sure don't act my age. Oh well. Better to act too young than too old I think. Although I could certainly be wrong.

I need to get my house clean this weekend because my sister is coming next weekend. I have a lot of work to do. I have a hair appointment at 10:00. I have a date tonight. In other words, I have no time. And I am sitting here, still haven't eaten breakfast, sweat dripping off my hair, need to mow the lawn, etc., etc., etc.

Life is very very good. I could get carried away with all of the above and think this is all a problem, but the truth is, none of this is a problem. It is having a full life, and all the stuff that goes along with it. It wasn't long ago I was worried about if I would ever see my kids again, or where I was going to lay my head that night. Now I have this huge problem of getting ready to go spend an afternoon getting my hair done! Poor Me! And wondering how I am going to mow my lawn and clean my house at the same time! Woe is me! And get ready to see a man who asked me to wear my stilleto heels with my new jeans tonight - oh yeah baby!

"Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for complete approval, utter security, and perfect romance - urges quite appropriate to age seventeen - prove to be an impossible way of life at forty-seven or fifty-seven." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 330

Friday Morning

You get there and there are stairs...
and some stairs...
And then, some more stairs...
View from the stage at Red Rocks.

Last night after the meeting, after having sat still for an hour, I stood up and realized that my legs suddenly got very sore from climbing those stairs 3 times on Weds. night. I am still going to run 3 miles this morning, probably they will feel better once I start running. It sure was fun to climb those stairs.

I am grateful to be alive and sober and living in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in the United States of America.

"The moment Twelfth Step work forms a group, a discovery is made - that most individuals cannot recover unless there is a group. Realization dawns on each member that he is but a small part of a great whole; that no personal sacrifice is too great for preservation of the Fellowship." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 9

Thursday

These are the caalvin kleins I purchased on Tuesday. I really like them. I am a big caalvin fan. (again with the misspelling so my blog doesn't come up when you search for that designer - if you say something enough times in your blog, it will come up in searches!)

Last night I took some great photos, but I don't have time to post them now. My rec therapist friend asked me to go to Red Rocks with her to run the stairs. Oh yeah! We went and did that. I mostly walked, which is a huge work out. I went up and down the stairs 3 times - it took 30 minutes and I worked up quite a sweat. I stood on the stage for a while and contemplated the fact that the Beatles and so many others had played there. I also recalled the year that Big Sky Maack and I went there for an Easter Sunrise Service after being up all night (sober). What a magical place.

My neighbor called me at 6:30 a.m. and imagine both of our surprise when she woke me up! I NEVER sleep this late, not even on weekends, not even after staying up half the night. Maybe I should go to Red Rocks more often!

"We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

Retail Therapy

Yep. I did that yesterday. I didn't buy a new computer, so I can pat myself on the back that at least I spent less than $1,000. However, I did go on my lunch break to the now ubiquitous Macy's and purchase a new pair of Calvin Klein jeans and some very pricey moisturizer for my face. Oh well.

I have lately felt this tiny hole in my gut. I have tried to ascertain the cause of the hole, and I think it is a combination of things. My son being in a very dangerous place (Iraq), one of my daughters being in the dangerous psychic place of leaving her husband, my other daughter purchasing a motorcycle and taking increasingly scary (to me) trips into the wilderness. Then, of course, the demise of what seemed like such a promising relationship (I keep saying I am not going to talk about this anymore, but, oh well). And although I know another man, another computer, more gadgets, and more clothes will not fill the hole in my gut, I still have the instinct to do those things.

Only God can fill me up. And in my experience, he cannot do that when I am sitting around thinking about myself. He only has the opportunity to do that when I am busy thinking of and doing for others.

"I just know that you are expected, at some point, to do more than carry the message of AA to other alcoholics. In AA we aim not only for sobriety - we try again to become citizens of the world that we rejected, and of the world that once rejected us. This is the ultimate demostration toward which Twelfth Step work is the first but not the final step." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 21

I want a new computer

I am having severe malfunctions this morning. I want a new computer. I want a mac. I have a 4 year old Dell - which I loved - but now is slow and starting to do wacky stuff. Why can't computers last more than a couple of years? I can't seem to upload my workout information to nike+ which really makes me mad. I ran a 5K this morning. I want those three miles on my little graph of my runs.

Do you see my alcoholic nature in the above paragraph? There it is in green and white, and some red. I want what I want when I want it. And then I want more.

Oh, but I need to always remember that I have what I need and, oh, so much more!

"We are taught to differentiate between our wants (which are never satisfied) and our needs (which are always provided for). We cast off the burdens of the past and the anxieties of the future, as we begin to live in the present, one day at a time. We are granted 'the serenity to accept the things we cannot change' - and thus lose our quickness to anger and our sensitivity to criticism." -- Alcohohlics Anonymous, 3rd ed. p. 560

9/11/06

This morning I picked up the books I read every morning and it nearly took my breath away when I saw
"September 11"
at the top of the page.
I didn't wake up with that foremost in my mind.

I am grateful today that I got to experience that moment in history and many other moments of personal, national, and global history - sober. I am grateful that I know that no matter what is going on, I just have to be "where my feet are". I only have to live in this moment, at this time, in this place. I am grateful that I know that I only have to do the footwork, and the rest is out of my hands. I am grateful for a loving God.

"On the day that the calamity of Pearl Harbor fell upon our country, a great friend of AA was walking along a St. Louis street. Father Edward Dowling was not an alcoholic, but he had been one of the founders of the struggling AA group in his city. Because many of his usually sober friends had already taken to their bottles that they might blot out the implications of the Pearl Harbor disaster, Father Ed was anguished by the thought that his cherished AA group would probably do the same. Then a member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spirited conversation--mostly about AA. Father Ed saw, with relief, that his companion was perfectly sober. 'How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?' 'Well,' replied the yearling, 'each of us in AA has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So why should we drunks crack up over this one?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 71

Five Years Ago Today...

My kids and I went to the season opener at the new (Invesco Field at) Mile High Stadium. The Broncos played the New York Giants, and won 31 to 20. In the course of that game, my all time favorite player ever in the universe, see above, Mr. Eddie McCaffrey, Wide Receiver, #87, broke his left leg.

The next morning, I woke up and quickly turned on the TV to see what had happened with Eddie's injury. I soon forgot about Eddie's injury when I saw an image of smoke billowing out of a hole in the World Trade Center.

Life is strange. But thank God I have gotten to experience a good bit of it sober. This morning at my home group, my friend Fred suggested we run away together. Then he laughed and said we would be pretty boring... he has got to be in his late 70s or early 80s. I am grateful there are still some "older" men in AA who find me an incredibly cute "younger" woman! I am grateful that I am getting old with others in the fellowship. It is a good deal.

"I have come to realize that the name of the game is not so much to stop drinking as to stay sober. Alcoholics can stop drinking in many places and many ways - but Alcoholics Anonymous offers us a way to stay sober." Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd ed., p. 560

Saturday Morning

I managed to run 4 miles this morning which brings my total for the month of September to 17.55. My goal for September was 45 miles, but it looks like I am going to be able to surpass it. I think this is very exciting.

I am going to hop in the tub and then eat a nice breakfast. I may take a nap later! I was up quite late last night.

I am boring this morning, but boring is good. It means there are no big deals going on and that is a very good thing for this alcoholic.

"once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of AA and probably always will be so." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 312

ick, sick...

Do you see that big red swollen thing on my arm? (I know, it is not a good photo.) I had a tetanus shot on Tuesday and the injection site got inflamed yesterday. I felt so sick and achey all over my body yesterday I came home from work and slept all afternoon. Today I feel better, but still I have this red, inflamed, painful lump on my left arm.

I am glad it is Friday. Even though it has only been a four day work week (well, three and a half days for me) I am anxious for it to be over. I am supposed to see someone tonight to "talk". It makes me nervous. But I can always take God with me and no matter what happens I know I will be fine.

"Our basic troubles are the same as everyone else's, but when an honest effort is made "to practice these principles in all our affairs," well-grounded AAs seem to have the ability, by God's grace, to take these troubles in stride and turn them into demonstrations of faith." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 114

My First Bloggerversary!

I started this blog one year ago today. I only started it because I was getting crappy comments on my other blog from a guy who was in AA... I found that out when I went to his blog. His blog had all kinds of political stuff AND the fact that he was an AA member which I had a big fat problem with. I wanted to converse with him about being in AA, and didn't want to put that on my other blog with my very astute political commentary on it. Anyway, I started a brand new blog, without my last name, so that I could talk about being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and not have any 10th tradition problems.

Until November 28, I really didn't know why I was doing this. But on November 28, Ms. Trudge found my blog and put a link on her blog and the rest is history!

I was so hoping to have 10,000 hits on my site meter by today, but considering the fact that virtually no one visited my blog until late November, I won't worry about it. I am at 9,472 as of this moment. And I am grateful to each and every person who has ever come by and honored me by reading what I have written. I think each comment is like a gift. When I share in meetings, I always end by saying "thank you for listening." It is such an honor to have alcoholics listen - think about it. We are not big listeners. We are big talkers, big noise makers, big lots of things, but listening isn't really our strong suit. The thing that amazes me in a room full of alcoholics is that we talk - one person at a time, and (mostly) everyone listens quietly! Wow!

I am so grateful to you sober bloggers. You have added to my sobriety immensely. This has been such a wonderful addition to my circle of fellowship, which never ceases to amaze me.

"My sponsor sold me on one idea, and that was sobriety. At the time, I couldn't have bought anything else." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 154

There is a Solution!

And at this very moment, it is Coffee! Happy HNT everyone.

Grateful Wednesday Morning

Pre-Dawn fork in the path.

The sun begins to peak over the horizon.

Look at that big old sun!

I intended to run 2 miles this morning, but I felt so good, I just kept on going. I managed to run 3.25 miles. I took a different route than normal, so at about 2.75 miles, I started heading up a big hill. The good part about that was at the top of the hill, I snapped the big sun picture, and then I had a big hill to run DOWN! Just then, on my iPod, "Winning" by Santana came on. So here I am, listening to that great song, running down a hill, with sweat streaming down my face, with a huge smile on my face, thanking God. What a great start to a day!

I had my physical yesterday and my doc said "what ever you are doing, keep on doing it." All my blood work was good and my physical exam was good. I am happy about that. My mother died at 57 - I am approaching 55, it does make a person think.

"Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a spriritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Happy Birthday to dAAve!

There is recovery from alcoholism in Alcoholics Anonymous! dAAve celebrates 3 years of continuous sobriety today! Thanks dAAve for sharing your daily "grAAteful and thAAnkful" list with us. You are a shining beacon of a man who is staying sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, one day at a time, living life, and getting well.

"The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153

Again, with the searches!

I am feeling rather uninspired this morning. I could write about the fact that the man I have recently stopped seeing, but haven't stopped thinking about, called on Saturday night - but no, I said I wasn't going to write about him again. Don't want to feed that whole thing. I could write about feeling not particularly well physically, but that is boring. I could write about pulling weeds in my flower bed this morning, but I think I would not bring the necessary attitude of recognizing God's blessings to that right now.... So! I decided to check my site meter and write about what ever the latest search was that brought some soul to my blog. Voile! Not ten minutes ago someone got here by searching:

"How do you know you're an alcoholic?"

Let me first preface this with somewhat of a disclaimer.... I am an alcoholic. I am not an expert on alcoholism, but I am a person who has stayed continuously sober, by the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, since July 24, 1984 - so I have some experience with sobriety and working with lots and lots of drunks.

"It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete. " Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxiv

"they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distict entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxviii

There are folks who drink heavily and are able to stop. But then there are alcoholics, like me, who when they want to stop find they are unable to. They wake up with resolve to never take another drink, only to find themselves with a drink in their hand by noon, or seven, or nine - sure that this time it will be different. This time they will not drink too much or get in trouble. This time they will just have one, or three, or who the hell cares anyway.

At one of my first meetings, someone said something that struck me profoundly. He said "I didn't get in trouble every time I drank, but every time I got in trouble, I was drunk." I never knew what was going to happen to me once I picked up a drink, but I would pick up the drink anyway - with great resolve to not get drunk. I could no more stop the progression of my disease than I could have stood on railroad tracks and tried to stop a train. But I didn't know that until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and admitted complete defeat. I have not found it necessary to take a drink of alcohol since that day.

And for that I am truly grateful. If you are having a problem with alcohol and finding that you are unable to stop, please give yourself a break and contact AA. There are people there who can help you. (there is a link on my sidebar with information on how to contact AA)

Sunday Morning

I thought it would give the season symmetry to post a picture of my front porch on Labor Day weekend - as I did on Memorial Day weekend. The plants are not looking as good as they did early in the season, but I still really like my front porch -particularly with an American Flag flying on it. The flag obscures the view of the Blue Star Banner in my window - which denotes a family member (my wonderful son) serving overseas in a war.

The State Convention was wonderful. Last night I ran into Peter (the fellow shadow in my profile picture) and we decided we would go together to visit my sponsor and her husband (his sponsor) in October. I think it would be great fun if we could make the trip.

The Al-Anon and the AA speakers were both wonderful last night. The AA guy got sober in 1964. Holy Cow. Here is this guy, pushing 70 years old, talking about starting a young people's group in Denver back in the 60s. And how they went through the big book, reading the black on the white, and did everything the book told you to, and answered every question the book asked. That is how I was sponsored, and how I sponsor people today. It was so wonderful to hear this man talk about being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Doing the stuff. Needing to sell his home at 20 years of sobriety to make financial amends and being willing to live in a trailer in order to get right with the world so that he could stay sober. So refreshing to hear about the actual nitty gritty, not bullshit about how he "feels", but about living this program, no matter how difficult it may be. It is not about feeling good, it is about recovery from a fatal disease. Thank You God.

"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p 83

46 degrees, Colorado State Convention, Labor Day, etc.

Yes, it is 46 degrees outside. I am heading out to the gym, but checked my iPod first and realized it needs to charge. Hence my sitting here - so why not make the best use of the time and blog?

Went to the State Convention last night. It was great fun. I saw lots of people I have known throughout the years. I think it is somewhat ironic that I have been sober for 22 years, active in Denver AA, and the first person I saw who I knew was Motorcycle Mike - our sober blogging friend. I got to meet his wife and we had a nice chat. I had dinner with my sponsee and her partner. I ran into many old friends including a woman I lived with for a short while when I left my husband in 1993. I was hoping to see Big Ed, who was my boyfriend, on and off, for at least 10 years. I did see his sponsor - he said Ed would be there today. It would be really good to see him. He is an AA legend in Denver and really a wonderful man... behind the Harley and the gruff exterior.

Oh, and as I was standing chatting with folks after the speaker meeting, a woman from work came by. We stood and pointed to each other with glee!!! We had no idea of our common bond, but we always knew we liked each other! Now I know why. It will be good for both of us to have a program friend at work. She has been on committees that I have chaired and I have always enjoyed working with her.

I will head back today, but I am not sure when. I am really tired this morning. I was up past midnight last night! That is crazy-past-my-bedtime. I still wake up early no matter how late I stay up, so I am off my game this morning. It is extremely dreary outside, so I am hoping to take a lovely nap after my run and some breakfast.

How is that for more than you ever needed to know about Mary Christine this fine Saturday Morning of Labor Day Weekend?

"AA is no success story in the ordinary sense of the word. It is a story of suffering transmuted, under grace, into spriritual progress." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 35

See you in September

I am so lazy this morning. It is 7:00 a.m., I am still in my jammies, I haven't run - although I had intended to. Yikes. I think I will cut myself some slack this morning and honor my body - which is telling me to do nothing! I am going to wear jeans to work today, so getting dressed will be easy.

Then tonight I am going to the Colorado State AA Convention! It is always fun to see people I haven't seen in years or decades. I am hoping to catch up with Motorcycle Mike tomorrow, and hopefully Karen B. For anyone else who may be at the Convention in Denver, I hope to meet you!

I am loath to type the words 'lipid panel' here, sensing that my blog may come up when people are trying to find out about cholesterol and triglycerides... however, I want to say that I got the results of my blood test last night. I am thrilled to report that all of my levels are good! I got a low triglyceride level probably for the first time in my life! I remember the first time I ever heard that term was when a doc was telling me that my level was high - at the age of 21. So all this running and not eating sugar or white stuff seems to be working. Happy!

Speaking of searches... sometimes it breaks my heart to see the searches that lead people to my blog. A recent search was: "if i leave my husband will he stop drinking." A lot of "how can i tell if i am an alcoholic." I think the one that comes up at least once a day is "hungry, angry, lonely, tired." And some are just funny... this week one person got to my blog as a result of the search for "how many calories in a drop of sweat?" So I do get concerned about the words and phrases I use because they do come back to haunt me. I think I used the F word once in this blog and yet someone found me by searching "f*** Mary" - that was charming.

OK, it is now 7:17, and I am sitting here like I have nowhere to be today... and thank God I have somewhere to go where they pay me to be there! They actually expect me to come in at a reasonable hour and stay most of the day! That is a great deal for a recovering alcoholic!

"It is not to be expected that an alcoholic employee will receive a disproportionate amount of time and attention. He should not be made a favorite. The right kind of man, the kind who recovers, will not want this sort of thing. He will not impose. Far from it. He will work like the devil and thank you to his dying day." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 149