Sunday, October 23, 2011
My sponsor says "that's his problem." Well, technically, it is. But it becomes my son's problem. How hurtful is it to have your father never show up because your mother does? Maybe I should back off and allow him the space to show up in his son's life. Oh, I know you will all disagree with this, but I care about my son and my granddaughter and I hate that I am the kernel of a problem for them. I am not THE problem, I know that, but I am at the center of it. I think maybe I can do something different. I am not sure. I am very sad about this. I went to church last night and cried through the entire Mass.
Today the tiny girl is coming over while her parents go fishing. I am cooking madly for when they return and we have dinner. That will be my salvation today. The cooking.
This morning I went to a meeting and watched a man text the hour away. He didn't even have the decency to go to the back of the room. When I shared, I stated that it was very distracting. He didn't even look up from his phone. The topic was resentment, and he shared that he has no resentments, but he has some "justifiable anger." Wow. And this guy's been in AA for a while. Is this our message? Really? I see blogs that carry on the same way. They have restraining orders, and spew hatred, but when confronted will tell you that they are justified in their particular case. And that I am being judgmental.
I would like to stay sober, and the big book is pretty specific about "resentment is the number one offender." We cannot afford it.
When I was drinking I was full of resentment, anger, and hatred. When I got sober you all told me I had to let go of that. And that there is a whole program to help me do that.
And then you said: The woman I WAS drank every day. The woman I WAS will drink again. If I want to stay sober, I cannot continue to be the woman I WAS, I had to become someone new.
Thank God there were still people sitting in AA meetings who talked that way back then. I will still talk that way, and I guess if anyone cares to put their phone away and listen for a minute, they will hear a message.
I guess I will put this dude on my list of people to pray for for a while.
Thank God for his mercy.