Sunday, October 23, 2011


Yesterday was my youngest granddaughter's first birthday party.  It was very nice.  But as I sat there, I realized the her grandfather, my ex-husband, wasn't there and wasn't going to be there.  Because I was there.  He didn't even come to our son's wedding for the same reason.

My sponsor says "that's his problem."  Well, technically, it is.  But it becomes my son's problem.  How hurtful is it to have your father never show up because your mother does?  Maybe I should back off and allow him the space to show up in his son's life.  Oh, I know you will all disagree with this, but I care about my son and my granddaughter and I hate that I am the kernel of a problem for them.  I am not THE problem, I know that, but I am at the center of it.  I think maybe I can do something different.  I am not sure.  I am very sad about this.  I went to church last night and cried through the entire Mass.

Today the tiny girl is coming over while her parents go fishing.  I am cooking madly for when they return and we have dinner.  That will be my salvation today.  The cooking.

This morning I went to a meeting and watched a man text the hour away.  He didn't even have the decency to go to the back of the room.  When I shared, I stated that it was very distracting.  He didn't even look up from his phone.  The topic was resentment, and he shared that he has no resentments, but he has some "justifiable anger."  Wow.  And this guy's been in AA for a while.  Is this our message?  Really?  I see blogs that carry on the same way.  They have restraining orders, and spew hatred, but when confronted will tell you that they are justified in their particular case.  And that I am being judgmental.

I would like to stay sober, and the big book is pretty specific about "resentment is the number one offender."  We cannot afford it.

When I was drinking I was full of resentment, anger, and hatred.  When I got sober you all told me I had to let go of that.  And that there is a whole program to help me do that.

And then you said:  The woman I WAS drank every day.  The woman I WAS will drink again.  If I want to stay sober, I cannot continue to be the woman I WAS, I had to become someone new.

Thank God there were still people sitting in AA meetings who talked that way back then.   I will still talk that way, and I guess if anyone cares to put their phone away and listen for a minute, they will hear a message.

I guess I will put this dude on my list of people to pray for for a while.

Thank God for his mercy.


Pammie said...

It must be awful to be him.
Your son knows his father well and he can invite you or him as he wishes.
I know what you mean though about not wanting the kids (even when they are adults)to be put in the middle. It's you still trying to protect them from the harshness of a situation. I'm sorry this is happening in your life.
It makes me wonder if the Dad realizes who you are today.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that is awful. I wish you wouldn't take all of this on yourself, but I completely understand.

As for the texting in meetings -- I'm so glad that an oldtimer finds these types of distractions as annoying as I do. Twice last week, this one man fell asleep and started snoring in my home group meeting! Why the hell even come...

Lou said...

This is a tough call for me..being in my grandchildrens life is so important to me. I do understand it would be great if your granddaughter knew both her grandparents.

I just don't know..some situations are beyond anything one person can do to make them better. I agree with Pammie. Your son could have a separate celebratory thing with his father if he truly wanted that.
It sounds like the ex is extremely stubborn and unforgiving. Nothing and no one could have made me miss my son's wedding.

Sorry, you have to deal with this. I hope you can find a middle ground that makes you feel better.


dAAve said...

Your recovery will hosw you how to handle this stuff. It always has, I'm pretty sure.

Syd said...

I think that your son would invite his father if he wanted to do that. He loves you and that is great.
I don't like the disrespect shown in a lot of meetings-- texting, phones ringing, people arriving late, etc.

Annette said...

I'm listening. Some powerful messages here for me. Thank you. I'm sorry about the grandpa choosing not to come around if you are there. Hurtful stuff. He is missing out on so much by his own choosing.

Anonymous said...

I just found your Blog a week ago. I just wanted you to know I want back and read all of your old ones.THANK YOU so much. I'm three years and seven months sober just move to Tokyo Japan . Your blog helps a lot . So please keep doing what you are doing. I wouldn't miss away now. Meeting here are not the same as in PA. Reading you help me remember what I need to do to stay sober one more day! Thanks again. :)

Mary LA said...

So sorry to hear about the mean old bastard's attitude. Problematic characters often dominate the family or workplace or organisation. Their problem becomes everyone else's problem.

I once sat in a small town meeting watching an angry drunk strip down and clean his rifle. Not easy company -- and I don't think he thought he needed to work on his resentment either.