Saturday

Today I am going to an all day Prayer Day. It is the first day of the Biblical School I am attending. I am excited like a little kid on the first day of school. I have my new notebook and pen. I have a shiny new Bible. I have my clothes picked out. I Google-Earthed the church, so I know exactly where it is. When I tell people I have enrolled in a four year formal Bible School, they look at my sideways and ask "why?" It is not easy to explain, but I sure am happy about it!

Yesterday I had the brilliant idea to hop over to a noon meeting on my lunch so that I wouldn't have to worry about getting to the 5:30. When I walked into the club, I saw someone I knew and loved in early sobriety. I squealed like a little girl to see him. He is now a lot older and is on oxygen, but looks good anyway and has stayed sober all these years - probably close to 35 years. We talked and talked and talked. He said he comes to that meeting every Friday. I think I will too!

As we talked, I told him that I quoted something all the time and I thought I got it from him, but wasn't sure anymore. When I told him that I recently told a sponsee struggling with her 4th step that "whatever is bothering you, and could get you drunk, when written would probably fit on a matchbook." His face lit up, he said that I was indeed quoting him, and then he told me who told him that. It was just so delightful to see him. (and let this be a little place-marker about friendships between men and women in AA.... I would like to write about that one of these days.)

My son requested home made pizza last night, so I was really glad I went to the noon meeting. Of course, I made pizza... and that is a project. I actually roast the tomatoes, onion, and garlic and puree it for the sauce. The dough I actually made with yeast, salt, flour, and olive oil. Etc., Etc., Etc., It is great fun and yummalicious. And what a treat to stand in the kitchen with an apron on, cooking for my family.

I better get ready to go pray all day. Wow. Who knew that sobriety could be such a wonderful thing?

"We discover that we receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

Best and Worst

Yesterday was a best and a worst day. I will focus on the "best" part, but I had to write about the "worst" part last night. I do a written 10th step every night and usually there aren't too many problems. Yesterday was a bad day at work and I got very angry. I closed my office door, slammed my water bottle on my desk, called someone (who wasn't there) a name, and generally was awful. Today I will put in my application for another job. I have had the same employer for 13 years, and it was my intention to retire from there, but it doesn't feel very good right now. So I will do my best on my resume and application, and the rest is out of my hands. Today I will put a smile on my face and be as pleasant as I can and ask God to help me. I certainly cannot do this on my own.

The "best" part? After work, I took my oldest granddaughter shopping for school clothes. She put her hand in mine as we walked around the mall. She confided in me, "girls like going to the mall." She also told me confidently that shopping was exercise. I could not resist purchasing her the above pink Puma shoes. They are so freaking cute. I took the picture while we were eating at the food court at the mall -- something I have not done in probably 15 years? It is something I would normally consider pretty disgusting, but with this beautiful child with me, I found it to be wonderful! Maybe I can pretend she is with me at work today!

Tonight I will get to go to the 5:30 meeting after work. My meeting schedule has been all messed up with all the excitement of my son's homecoming.

"I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 37

Thursday Morning

And I need to be out of here in a few minutes to get to church by 5:00 a.m. I made a commitment in March to go there every Thursday morning from 5 to 6 a.m. - for a year - and sit in quiet prayer. It is almost 6 months now. I really enjoy this hour. Sometimes getting up at 3:15 feels like a chore, but that is good too.

I run 5 days a week - but Thursday is now a rest day. The photo was from my after run stretch yesterday. I get the biggest kick out of these shoes, to me they look like space ships with all the gleaming metallic surfaces! They feel good though.

"A clear light seems to fall upon us all - when we open our eyes. Since our blindness is caused by our own defects, we must first deeply realize what they are. Constructive meditation is the first requirement for each new step in our spiritual growth." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 10

Eight Random Facts About Me.

Syd tagged me to do this... I feel like you guys know all the random facts about me, so I am really digging here...
1. I am an adult-onset athlete
2. I finished my first triathlon at the age of 52
3. I finished my first half-marathon at the age of 55
4. Running works the kinks out of my thinking
5. I didn't go to college until I was 43 years old (and ten and a half years sober)
6. I had a master's degree by the time I was 50
7. I have worked for the same employer for 13 years (on Sept. 6) and hope that is about to change
8. I believe that sobriety enables us to do just about anything - because we realize we don't have to "win" the race, just run it. I don't have to be the best or the worst, I just have to do my level best... which sometimes is pretty OK.

If anyone feels like doing this, please consider yourself tagged.

Last night I attended my first board meeting of my home owners' association. Yes, I finally volunteered to be on it. Yikes. The funny thing was, after I left the meeting, I had a different feeling about my little neighborhood - I felt a little bit more like I belong here. My friend says this is the "practice these principles in all our affairs" part. I don't know.

Now I am going to go out and run. I was so afraid that the garage door opening and closing would disturb my son's sleep. He explained to me that he is used to sleeping with jets taking off, helicopters coming in and going out, and mortar attacks! I don't guess my garage door is going to bother him much!

Have a great sober day everyone.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Tuesday Stuff

I woke up late this morning and I still need to get out and run. I will try to make my post brief so that I can get out, run, come back and get ready for work and not be too late. I had some sleeplessness due to family "issues" last night. I need to trust God and know that God has no grandchildren - or great grandchildren. We all have our own primary relationship with him, and he does not need me to be an intermediary for my children or grandchildren.

I went to the 6:30 meeting yesterday. I looked around and saw so many people I love. I was thinking about this yesterday before I went to the meeting - how the anticipation of who I will see at the meeting will add to my desire to go to the meeting. To me, it is absolutely essential that I get to know the people who are in my AA sphere. I don't generally love (or even like for the most part) the people I see in meetings unless I take the time to get to know them. When I get to know them outside of the meetings, I come to understand why they act the way they do, I come to appreciate the people they are, and I come to love them. Then I actually look forward to seeing them. Which actually motivates me to attend a lot of AA meetings. And over the years I have found that attending a lot of AA meetings is very good for me. I am happier when I go to meetings. I am less happy when I don't attend meetings. Another thing I have learned from getting to know people is that most of the people I have known over the years who have stopped attending meetings, have eventually drank again and many of them are dead.

So instead I can sit at a meeting on a Monday morning and look over at C., who came in and out for 5 years, always raising her hand... I never thought she would get sober - she chaired the meeting yesterday and recently celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety - and I am now her sponsor. I sat next to Larry, who I love. As someone I just know from meetings, he isn't the coolest guy on earth - but I have gotten to know Larry and I love him... and he loves me. What better way to bond than ambulance rides together? I looked across the room at Holly. She came over to my house last year at Christmas time and helped me put up my Christmas tree - I was too sad about my son's absence and didn't think I could do it. But I didn't have to do it alone, Holly and Connie helped me. Holly also came out to support me at the half-marathon and I feel like she saved my life. I love Holly. On the other side of the room was L., she and I aren't the best of friends, but I do love her. We used to hike together and indeed, we attempted to climb a 14'er about 10 years ago. I have a picture of us together in one of my AA books, and I look at it every day... she is a part of my life whether we like each other or not.

I could go on ad infinitum. But I don't have time and you probably don't have patience for it. My point is - I am so grateful that I have gotten to know the people I come in contact with in AA. When I take an AA member at face value, I really cheat myself. We are some of the most incredibly interesting and fascinating people on earth. And we really do things like help each other put up the Christmas tree.

-oh sorry to keep writing like this (so much for the "brief post" I intended to write), but yesterday I noticed that my son had a golf shirt with "Walter Hagen" stitched on the sleeve. I asked him if Walter Hagen was a golfer in the 1920s and he said yes. I told my son that Walter Hagen is in the Big Book!!! I so excitedly went to Bill's Story and read the part about Bill Wilson getting involved in golfing. Silly, huh?

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 53

Ever Changing Prodigals

I went with my son down to a ceremony in Colorado Springs yesterday. It was very nice. Of course, I wasn't the one who had to stand in a hot stadium in a uniform for over an hour. My heart broke for my son and our family because his father chose not to attend this event. My son has gotten to be quite a truth-teller and it seems he doesn't really care for his dad's drunkenness... they had some words over this. We just can't see what we do to our families, can we?

My daughter who is not a drinker or drug user left on a backpacking trip for the weekend. By herself. Hiking and staying out in the mountains for 2 nights - by herself. Did I mention she went alone? Please dear God she will call me today and tell me she is home.

The daughter who was clean and sober for over 90 days has not been seen nor heard from for nearly a week and that cannot be good news.

I have decided to focus on my son. He has been gone for over a year. He has been fighting a war. He has been in danger every day. He has served his country and protected our rights to be jackasses whenever the hell we feel like it. All of my children are adults. I want the best for each of them because I am their mother and I love them. But I REFUSE to let this shining moment in our family's history (my son's return from Iraq) be overshadowed by these other events.

I am heading out of here to my 6:30 a.m. meeting. I hope to sit next to my dear friend Larry. I have been thinking an awful lot lately about the friendships we make in AA and I need to write a post about that - very soon. But I have already written enough to test your attention span for today. Thanks for reading.

"We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 130

Sunday Morning

It's beautiful and quiet and my son is downstairs sleeping. I just took a nice 5 mile run in the cool morning air. It is good. I woke up feeling energetic this morning which was wonderful. It is the way I am used to feeling.

Life feels like a wonderful thing this morning. I think I am going to enjoy it.

Have a great sober day everyone.

"May God bless you and keep you..." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

The Blue Star Flag

Is now out of my window. My son came HOME last night. I cooked him a meal! We sat around the table and ate bratwurst and sauerkraut (it's what he asked for) and a key lime pie. We watched football on TV, and he is a man, so we watched everything that was on TV last night - from channel to channel to channel. It was great, great, great.

I had noticed on our previous two visits that he had a chain on his neck, and I figured it was something military - what do I know? Anyway, last night, he pulled it out and it is the St. Michael the Archangel medal I bought him before he left for Iraq last year. He said he put it on when he left and has never taken it off. I can't put into words what that means to me.

I seem to be at a loss for words most of the time lately. This homecoming is incredibly more than I ever dreamed. I was so worried about what kind of shape my son might be in. He seems to be totally himself - only with a lot more appreciation for the simple things in life that he may not have noticed before. I am just thrilled to have him home - I am so proud of the man he has grown into.

I slept too late this morning... I got to the meeting late even. Then I went and ran 6 miles. I am now 8 weeks out from my next half marathon, so the mileage has to increase. It was good to get out there. I am feeling less tired, thankGod. That was awful.

"So let each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Friday

Today may (or may not be) homecoming day for my son. My daughter and I drove down to Colorado Springs to have dinner with him last night. He talked a lot about what it was like to be in Iraq. I was so relieved to hear him talk of his experiences because I think that is very very healthy.

So last night I got 5 hours of sleep. I got up this morning and made up the beds and straighted up a bit. I am going to go out for a run. I haven't run since Tuesday. I haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday. I feel like I am about to drop dead I am so tired. I actually resorted to drinking caffeinated beverages yesterday.

If you have read this blog for a while, you know that I call myself high-maintenance. Not because of the need for fast cars or jewels, but for the need for good food, lots of rest, lots of quiet, lots of prayer, lots of meetings, lots of exercise, and a bit of social time. I am so off-track with this stuff right now, and I am really feeling it. I took Tuesday off and laid about in bed and slept a lot and got 10 hours of sleep that night! But I was still dead on my feet on Wednesday. Which tells me that I need to just push through and keep doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. Like going to work, etc.

So I will get out and take a nice run now and then go to work. Have a great sober Friday everyone.

"We ask simply that throughout the day God place in us the best understanding of His will that we can have for that day, and that we be given the grace by which we may carry it out." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 102

No!

I don't want to get out of bed! But I will.

I am still suffering from incredible fatigue and lethargy. I decided yesterday that I have to go back to some old basics from early recovery: fake it till you make it. Act as if. Suit up and show up. I need to just put one foot in front of the other and go forward with each day because I can't stop living just because I am exhausted. I am taking care of my body and my mind, and I am sure they will both catch up eventually and I will be my old energetic self.

My sponsor said the nervous strain is out of my voice for the first time in over a year. That nervous strain must have worn me totally out! I don't recall ever being this tired.

"AA is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives. We do not, cannot, out-grow this plan." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.), p. 311

Mittwockmorgen

This is a photo from a walk around the Garden of the Gods - my daughter and I decided to take a hike when we learned that the homecoming ceremony on Sunday would be delayed and we had 5 hours to kill. It was really quite beautiful. I had only been there once before, and I had been so angry that day I failed to admire the scenery.

Yesterday I went to the 6:30 meeting which was really a great meeting. I try not to rate meetings because then some of them would have to suck, but this one was really stellar. Then I took a 4 mile run in the heat and came home and did nothing for the rest of the day. I even unplugged my phone - which I never do. I was tired. I continue to be tired. It is 7 a.m. now, I am still sitting in my jammies, it was a work-out day and I didn't even do that! I will get to work, but I wish I could take the rest of the week off. I am just wiped out.

I feel like over the last year, it has taken every ounce of energy I had to not let my mind go to bad places. I would wake up in the night in a panic that my son was flying a helicopter over Iraq on a daily basis. I would have a feeling that I had to get over there and MAKE him come home! Then I would pray and try to relax enough to go back to sleep. When people would call and ask me "how's your son", my stomach would drop and I would ask "WHY?" - because I would instantly assume that they knew something I didn't. I would hear another helicopter was shot down, and I would be expecting two uniformed men at any moment, walking up to my front door to tell me "the news." I would start planning a funeral. For all of these thoughts, I would have to STOP as soon as it started and pray and let go and turn my thoughts to someone else. Thanks to the Grace of a Loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have learned how to do this. My sponsor and my friends have assured me that I have done a good job.

But I feel like it took every molecule of energy I had and now I am just left depleted. Very happy, very relieved, but tired as can be. Maybe I will see if I can take Thursday and Friday off. I am grateful I have a lot of annual leave and never did take a summer vacation this year.

"Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100

Three Words

Christine tagged me to do this a week ago. What a week it has been! I am taking a day of vacation today, because as Pam would say, Sobriety is Exhausting! I am totally worn out. I will go to a meeting and then take a run, and then my fondest hope is that I can lay in bed all day and read a book.
----------------------------
You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less - well, I had to use a few more in some cases.

1. Where is your cell phone?
by my bed

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
cast of thousands

3. Your hair?
red, blonde, and gray

4. Where is your father?
with Heavenly Father

5. Cheesecake?
oh baby, yes!

6. Your favorite thing to do?
God's Will, please

7. Your dream last night?
have no idea

8. Your favorite drink?
frosty grape powerade

9. Car You Want?:
mine, paid-off

10. The room you're in?:
office at home

11. George Bush:
I pray (for him) daily

12. Your fears?:
My own will

13. Nipple rings?
On baby bottle?

14. Who will/did you hang out with tonight?
I hope nobody

16. Go check GoofyAuctions.com and give your opinion?:
not right now

17. One of your wish list items?:
stop wanting things

18. Where did you grow up?:
rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

19. The last thing you did?:
morning prayer and meditation

20. What are you wearing?
pink boxers & camisole (my jammies)

Tagging - I think everyone who wanted to do this has... but if not, consider yourself tagged! And thanks Christine!

Happy Monday

This is really a terrible picture of my son. But I love it. Because he has been awake at that point for 50 hours, but he is home. He is in the United States of America. In Colorado. And although WE were complaining about the heat in the auditorium, HE has been in 150 degree temperatures for the last year and he thought it was downright pleasant! I not only saw my son last night (Praise God!!!!) but I saw him "in his element." I would never suggest to him now that he leave the military. I saw the way he interacted with the men with whom he has lived and worked for the last year and I could see that something very special is there.

I cannot even begin to describe the moments of waiting for him, it was much like being in labor again. The ceremony was delayed 2 hours, the auditorium was oppressively hot and crowded with other expectant humans. But when they finally marched in, it was unbelievable. The crowd roared. I did too. I thought I would cry, but I was just so happy and so proud. In fact, I have a sore throat this morning... I think I might have roared a bit too much!

We got to visit a bit. He was extremely tired and it was WAY past my bedtime. There will be another ceremony next Sunday. I told him that I would stay home so his dad and step-mom wouldn't be uncomfortable (she won't go anywhere near me.) My wonderful son said "She can get over it, it is not her event, it is mine, and I have just invited you." So I will be there. Damn straight I will be there.

I think I could write a book about what it was like to be there last night. But then I would be really, really late for work! I am thrilled that my son looks healthy and happy. I am incredibly proud of him. I am intensely relieved that he is home. I am grateful I live in a country with an all volunteer military, and they are some pretty impressive people! I am grateful that I am a sober mother, and my son actually wants to see me and introduce me to his friends and wants me to be present at the important events of his life. Thanks be to God.

"Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.) p. 312

Today is the day...

I get to see my son for the first time in 1 year, 1 month, and two days. I am very excited and happy about this.

I went to the 6:30 meeting yesterday morning and that room erupted in applause when I shared that my son was on his way home - just like the group on Friday night. I am so grateful for the people who have kept my son and I close to their hearts in the last year - including you bloggers. THANK YOU.

I spent yesterday sprucing up the house. I rearranged the furniture on my deck and bought some new flowers. I put Christmas lights on some trees outside for a more festive touch for my son's homecoming. It felt so wonderful to be getting ready for this long awaited occasion.

Now I have to clean out my trunk. They search your car on the way into the Army base, and I might as well make it easy for them...

"We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105

Saturday Morning

I love Saturday Mornings. It is not even light out yet and I am sitting here contemplating my day. I have already had my prayer and meditation, and now I am sipping the first cup of coffee of the day. I am going to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting and see my pals.

Last night at the 5:30 meeting, the room erupted in applause when I shared that my son is on his way home. It is so special that these men and women have taken my son, who they have never met, into their hearts. After the meeting a few people talked to me and expected that I would be so excited that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Well, the exact opposite is happening. I am so RELIEVED that all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I have been on the edge of a very sharp place for the last 13 months, and I feel so relieved and relaxed now that I know my son is out of Iraq that I am suddenly very very tired.

I have so much wonderful stuff to do today. I will drive down to Colorado Springs tomorrow to see him. I got the oil changed last night and I will wash the car today. I think he will be home in a week or less, so I need to get everything ready for my son. My son. Oh my God, that has a beautiful sound to it.

"we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

Good News on Friday Morning

My son called yesterday and is no longer in Iraq! He is on his way home! I will get to see him on Sunday! There is a homecoming celebration at a nearby Army base, we will drive there to see him on Sunday. He will debrief for a few days and then be home. I feel like I can breathe for the first time since July 10, 2006. Praise God. I am just giddy about this.

I am so grateful for the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have watched women be utterly destroyed by this interminable year when their sons are gone to war. My first sponsor (who stopped going to meetings) started drinking again and had a heart attack when her son was in Iraq. I have a co-worker whose hair has gone totally white while her son was in Iraq. I am blessed to have a fellowship and a program that works in good times and bad. I have been given a way to live, one day a time, dealing with life in small increments, having trust and faith in a loving God who will always take care of me, no matter what happens. And I have thrown myself into the loving arms of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Individual people may disappoint or not come through, but the fellowship as a whole is always there, I can trust the fellowship and trust that there is always someone there "for me" even if it is a person just coming off a drunk - and I need to be reminded of how good sober life is.

I am going to go out and run now. And what a glorious morning for it!

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 101

Now THAT'S a heel!

I was wearing these shoes on Tuesday morning when I accompanied my friend to the ER. One of the nurses came and leaned way over Larry to ask him how he was doing... he was very weak, laying flat on his back, with oxygen, IVs, blood pressure cuff, pulse oximeter, monitors of every sort, etc. In response, he whispered, "did you look at Mary's shoes?" A man who can appreciate a fine pair of brown patent leather open toed 3 1/2 inch heels is a good man... especially if he is nearly dying at the time! He obviously knows what is important!

I hope you all know I am being way OVER the TOP here.

Have a great sober day, whether you are in your bare feet, in hush puppies, converse all stars, a pair of flats, some simple loafers, walkin' shoes, running shoes, hiking boots, work boots, flip flops, or a fine pair of high heeled shoes! Just put one foot in front of the other and trudge the road....

"We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

A ride in an ambulance

Makes you forget about your headache.

Yesterday at the 6:30 meeting, my friend Larry (who I love) looked like he was having a heart attack. He had gone to the bathroom, and when he came out, my friend Holly (who I love) was sitting by the door of the meeting room and saw him about to pass out. She left the meeting and called him an ambulance. She then came back in the meeting room and announced "Can someone come and sit with Larry while I wait for the ambulance?" The ENTIRE ROOM stood up and started heading for the door. She then said "NOT EVERYONE... Mary, please come." So I went and sat with Larry. The EMTs were so cute. They asked us if we knew his last name, and then thought about where they were (an AA club) and said "you probably don't know his last name." But I did, and I could even spell it, which is a big deal if you knew what it was! Then I rode in the ambulance to the hospital with him. I thought it was also cute that they asked him if he had been drinking this morning, or last night, or if he had used any "recreational drugs." I can't believe how tacky I am to take a picture with my cell phone while riding in an ambulance, with my friend fading in and out of consciousness in the back.

Larry got to the hospital and got an EKG (which tells you nothing when you have a pacemaker), a chest X-ray, blood work, etc. The bottom line is that they don't know what happened. They wanted to admit him, but he, the alcoholic that he is, said he wanted to go home, and they let him because he looked perfectly fine, after having oxygen and IV fluids for a couple of hours.

I met his son, and fell in love with him. This young man walked into the ER, in his Army uniform - just like my son's - with Larry's last name emblazoned across his chest, a 30 year old handsome Italian-American man. My daughter Laura needs to meet him, because I NEED for him to be my son-in-law... if only so I can look at him more often!

I am so grateful to have friends like Larry and that I get to meet their handsome sons, that I have friends like Holly who deeply care about us, that I go to an AA group where the ENTIRE ROOM stands up when someone needs help, and that I get to be a part of it all. I am so blessed. There was a time when someone like Holly would have announced "Someone come and help - anyone BUT Mary." Because every single thing was about ME!

From being in AA these years, I have learned that there are very few things that are about ME. And when I know that, I get to just be a part of God's Creation, and I get to just love people without worrying whether I am getting back in equal proportion. Life is so much better this way. Thanks to a loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AA's Twelve Steps." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Sufferin' Succotash

Some cartoon character used to say that, I don't have a clue which one. I was such a serious child, I never liked cartoons and still don't. But there are things I heard in my youth that still bounce around my brain... like "sufferin' succotash."

After my race on Sunday, I took a nap. When I woke up, I had an excruciating migraine headache. I managed to live through Sunday, got some sleep and woke up yesterday still suffering from the migraine. I went to work anyway. I didn't post yesterday because I was hurting too bad. I came straight home from work and tried to be very quiet. I slept last night and again this morning, I woke up with the damn migraine. I used to get three day migraines about once a month. I know I can survive this and odds are, tomorrow I will wake up without a headache.

Yesterday was a hard day at work. I got several doses of news that were hard to take. Maybe it would have been easier without the headache. I wish I were less invested in my career. I wish I didn't care that others seem to be getting the promotions that I thought would surely be mine some day.

I am off to a meeting this morning. I haven't been to one since Saturday morning and that is too long for me. Perhaps I will gain some perspective there - I usually do.

"Above all, take it one day at a time." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 11

Another Triathlon Finished

There's my medal that I got as I crossed the finish line. It was a good race. I really hit the wall in the bike portion, which has traditionally been my best part. I don't have my times yet, but I am quite certain I did not beat my last year's time. I know that I gave it absolutely every thing I had today though and that is a good feeling.

When I crossed the finish line, I was utterly done - breathing like a locomotive, needing a drink of water, needing to fall over basically. The first tent I saw had some food, as I reached for some, I was told that it was for "survivors". I am glad that the breast cancer survivors have first choice, but it took me a while to find some freaking water. In that time I was thinking - (not to minimize the trials that breast cancer survivors have been though - honest) - you people have no idea what I have survived to be here participating in a triathlon today.

I am a 55 year old female alcoholic. Believe me, this is terminal old age for a female drunk. The fact that I am alive and sober and able to go out and do crazy ass stuff like half-marathons and triathlons is nothing short of miraculous. No one else has to understand that, but I know it deep in my heart, and I have a feeling most of you do too.

I am grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"We who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Here's the dealio yo

I didn't wake up until 5:45 this morning! And since I missed the 5:30 meeting last night, I definitely wanted to go to the 6:30 this morning. So I brushed my teeth, made a cup of coffee in my travel press, threw on some clothes, and beat it the heck out of here. I sat through a meeting, wondering what the hell people were talking about. I don't think I was awake enough to be there.

And then sometimes it is just good for me to sit and wonder what they are talking about. And it is also good for me to see the clusters of people talking and feel left out. Because it reminds me of what a new person must feel when they listen to us and our AA jargon. And to feel left out of the group is a great reminder that I must always be more aware of people needing help in an AA meeting than being aware of which of my friends are there - and what we are going to do after the meeting.

So it is all good!

I am going to leave here in a minute to go to the race expo for tomorrow's triathlon. I will pick up my race packet and probably buy some stuff I can't live without!

"I came to AA solely for the purpose of sobriety, but it has been through AA that I have found God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.), p. 192

2 Days

Till my Triathlon. Yikes. I need to get out for a quick 3 mile run this morning and I am still sitting here trying to wake up. I think Scott gave me the answer to why I was up half the night - one stupid Diet Coke at noon with lunch yesterday. I used to drink Diet Pepsi all day long, but I gave it up for lent and decided not to start that bad habit again after Easter... so now I have no tolerance whatsoever for caffeine. I don't drink, don't smoke, or drink diet soda, but I do drink 1 or 2 cups of coffee in the morning. I have turned into some kind of wholesome person!

Yesterday I had an awful meeting and felt picked on for an hour and a half. Afterwards, I went into my boss' office and told him how I felt. I usually will sit on it for 24 hours so I don't say anything I regret or have to make amends for. But yesterday I decided not to wait. And I am glad. He is a psychiatrist, and I started out by saying that I was upset - but I kept it all to "I" messages. I didn't talk about what he did, I talked about how "I" felt. At the end of a half hour, we were both laughing, and he thanked me for coming and talking with him.

So, I get to go out and run. And I will get home, get ready for work, go to work, go to visit my friend Larry at lunch, and go to an AA meeting tonight. I am very blessed, even when I am tired.

"We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Riding

Riding a bike is one of my favorite things in the world. During a beautiful sunrise ride in the fleeting coolness of a summer morning, I feel the nearness of my Creator.

And now I am off to church for an hour of silent prayer. Then a full day of work. Then an AA meeting. Then I get to come home and go to bed and thank God for another sober day.

"We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was part of our make-up. Sometimes we had to search persistently, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55

Searches

It seems that if you keep a blog long enough, and post every single day, your blog will come up in a search for just about anything. I checked my site meter to see what searches have brought people to my blog and was amazed by just looking at the last 10 or so. They are:

• slutty granddaughters
• alcoholic
• HALT hungry angry lonely tired
• steppism
• alcoholics anonymous cliques
• HALT hungry angry tired
• I don't love mondays
• hungry angry lonely tired
• anonymous alcoholic
• pedicure statistics from the big book 2006

Holy cow. On some of these I really wonder what the hell someone is looking for. I hope to God they were disappointed by my blog. The other thing that I find disconcerting is that comments also go into searches, so I may change my policy about leaving offensive comments as is. Steppism was mentioned by a lunatic AA hater a few months ago who visited most of our blogs - and so my blog comes up for this thing.

I am tired this morning. I should be out running and I just don't feel like it. My race is on Sunday. I will try to go to the pool after work and take a swim. I can do that.

"As a group we do not enter into public controversy, because we are sure that our Society will perish if we do." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 262

Full Moon Bike Ride

I was going to wait until it was fully light before I set out on my bike this morning, but I see a huge full moon out there about to set. I think I will go out just before the sun rises and see what kind of photographic trouble I can get into. It should be beautiful!

Today I have no appointments or meetings at work. I love these 5th weeks of the month, there is nothing automatically scheduled. Tonight I meet with a new sponsee who is working on her first 4th step. She is a blessing in my life.

In the past 10 days or so, I have spent countless hours on the phone (actually I would be able to calculate the hours, if I so desired, when I get my cell phone bill) with a former boyfriend who has been suicidal. Let me be quick to add that he has also contacted all the appropriate people - I have no delusions of being a substitute for a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, social worker, nurse, or police officer.

But I do remember what it is like to feel so bad that taking your own life seems like the only solution. I remember what it is like to feel that you are so worthless that no one would want to spend one second speaking with you. I remember what it is like to intellectually know that you are being a loser by wanting to die, and that making you only feel worse. So, I was happy to talk with this man. I have been checking in on him several times a day by phone. On Sunday, he said he was feeling a bit better. Yesterday, when I called he said he was busy moving stocks around and would call me back after the stock market closed. He never called back. I debated myself about whether I should call him before I went to sleep last night. I decided he sounds like the man I used to know, busy and not returning phone calls. And he can do that. He must be feeling better. I am reminded that sometimes when I think I am being altruistic, I am not really. Because I am a teensy bit annoyed with him. I will get over it, don't worry.

I better go get my bike shorts on and get out of here! It is going to be a great day.

"clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 29

What I did last night...

My sponsor and her husband brought me a dozen ears of corn, and then we ate out all weekend. So I had all these ears of corn that I could not let go to waste. So I made corn relish! It tastes quite yummy. And I absolutely love to put on my apron and fire up the stove and get to work canning something. As I stood sweating in my kitchen, I thought about turning on the Air Conditioning and thought it really would spoil the whole ambiance of canning. It was fun!

Today I am back to work after four days off. I am afraid to look at my palm to see what I have scheduled today. I am sure what ever it is will be just fine. On Mondays, one of my sponsees comes over and we read the big book - that is something to look forward to after a long day.

Have a great sober day everyone.

"Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as AA members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public. As we lay aside these very human aspirations, we believe that each of us takes part in the weaving of a protective mantle which covers our whole Society and under which we may grow and work in unity." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 187

Blessed Fellowship

My sponsor and her husband just left to drive back over the mountains to the western slope of Colorado. It was so good to spend three days with them. I got to spend some quality time with my sponsor, which felt like heaven. I am much more frequently on the other side of that equation these days. It is good to be the sponsee!

On Friday night, it was so wonderful to sit with two of my sponsees and my sponsor. I love the continuity of the fellowship. Actually, yesterday morning, I was at a meeting with my sponsor, one of my sponsees, and one of HER sponsees. So there were four "generations" of us sitting there. What a wonderful thing it is to get to share this beautiful program.

I feel so peaceful this morning. My house is very quiet and serene. I miss the company, but I do so love (and need) my alone time. I am about to go out and get a good run in. I will run for an hour and see how far that takes me. I am now in my taper week before my triathlon - which is next Sunday.

"To me, AA is within the reach of every alcoholic, because it can be achieved in any walk of life and because the achievement is not ours but God's. I feel that there is no situation too difficult, none too desperate, no unhappiness too great to be overcome in this great fellowship - Alcoholics Anonymous" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 395 (3rd edition)

Oh what a beautiful morning

This is going to be quick. I have to get ready for the 6:30 meeting. Last night I celebrated my birthday one more time. It was a speaker meeting and very very fun to look out as I was speaking and see my sponsor, her husband, two of my sponsees, so many friends, and the man who took me to my first meeting!

What a blessing it is to have lived these sober years. I hope to have many more sober years ahead. It is such a good life. Not a perfect life, but a good, good life.

Now I am off to Rob's 23rd birthday meeting!

"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 89

Friday!

It is still dark outside. My sponsor and her husband are downstairs in the guest bedroom, still sleeping. I am going to sneak out of here in a minute and take a bike ride and run. It is going to be a huge day - with lots of huge eating - and I want to have a good workout as the start to my day.

Yesterday my sponsor and I sat trying to figure out all the people and places and things (and food) they have planned for their 3 day stay - she ended up with her daytimer, and I had my palm, plugging in all these things... trying to figure out how it can all be crammed into a couple of days. It should be fun.

Tonight I celebrate my 23rd birthday (again) at a speakers meeting that I used to go to when I was newly sober. My friend DD will be celebrating 13 (I think) years with me. I signed their calendar months ago, and if I had it to do today, I probably wouldn't do it. Oh well. It will be a nice evening for a bunch of us.

I got to spend a lot of time talking with my sponsor yesterday and it was truly wonderful. She is such a blessing in my life. She has been my sponsor since I was 11 years sober. Before then, I had a series of sponsors and some horrific experiences with them. I am glad I stayed sober and kept trying until I found Maureen!

"Change is the characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish dependence to adult responsibility - all this and infinitely more represent change for the better." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 76

Thursday

It's Thursday, so I am off to church at 4:30. Then to a 6:30 meeting, where I am meeting my friend B., who is going to come back with me and fix my sprinkler system YAY! I have put this off for a year because I thought it would be expensive. He says it won't be. I wonder what that means?

I took two days of vacation (today and tomorrow) for my sponsor's visit. I am so looking forward to seeing her (and her husband). I have been cleaning like a mad woman for several days now and I think I am now happy with the way my house looks. (maybe there will be a picture later, but leaving the house by 4:30 a.m. makes it pretty difficult to post a picture)

I probably won't be much of a blogger for the next couple of days while my sponsor is here. I want to spend all the time I can with her. I miss her so much!

"Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 16

Into another day

My birthday was utterly fabulous yesterday. I went to a 6:30 a.m. meeting and a 5:30 p.m. meeting and then dinner with about 20 crazy alcoholics. My friend Larry chaired the 5:30 meeting and had a topic I have never heard before - and I think it pissed a few people off - it was "what is your morning prayer?" He closed his eyes and said his out loud. Many others did as well. It was a cool meeting.

• For the record - my prayer before I open my eyes in the morning is to ask God to guide my thoughts, words, and actions today. - Then I get up and make coffee and sit down and do my reading and prayer and meditation.

My friend Annette came to the 5:30 meeting and passed her 23 year chip to me. I love chips passed from one alcoholic to another. Bless her heart.

I am 10 days out from my triathlon and I think I am not ready. I know I can do it, but I wanted to break 2 hours and I don't think I have trained hard enough to do that. I have bit off a bit much with 2 half-marathons and 1 triathlon within 5 months. I can be grateful that I am capable of doing a triathlon without adequate training - that is something I could not have dreamed of doing even a couple of years ago.

My sponsor and her husband get here tomorrow. I am so excited about seeing her! I haven't seen her since October - but we do talk several times a week. I think it will be a great weekend.

Thanks to all who came by yesterday. I do appreciate you. This will probably make me sound whiny and unappreciative, but last year on my birthday, there were 47 comments... yesterday 17. I know I have pissed off a couple of folks, but I don't think that really accounts for the drop. (someone once told me that if you are pleasing everyone, you are lying to someone.) Where have all the bloggers gone?

Love you all.

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

By the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous

Today I celebrate 23 years of continuous sobriety. On July 24, 1984, an entirely new life was given to me - in exchange for a drunken, shameful one. If I were capable of producing this myself, I would have done it years before I had been through what I had been through and hurt all the people I hurt. I believe that my sobriety is something I could never have earned. It is a gift, and all it takes is some gratitude and action... which I refuse to call "work". Work is scrubbing the floor or mowing the lawn, not the blessedly simple things that are asked of us in AA.

I am more grateful than words can say for my sobriety. But I want to say that each sober day is a miracle and a revelation. Enjoy each day. When I was sober 3 years, I may have wished for 23 years, but I am glad I enjoyed being 35 instead of 55 - and all that was going on in my life at that time. Each day is a gift.

When I was fairly new in sobriety, I heard someone say that the only way we "win" this game is to die sober. I thought that was pretty harsh. But I think it is the truth. This is not a competition to win. This is a life to live. If the only way to win is to die sober, I guess I want to win, but not bad enough to die. So I will relish each day and hope that each sober alcoholic does the same.

Thank you for your love. Blogging has added a lot to my sobriety. Those of you I have met hold very very special places in my heart, and I hope to meet more of you as we all trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

"May God bless you and keep you - until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

The last day of my 23rd year...

So tomorrow I will be 23 years sober. It is 23 years today since my last drink, but I celebrate the anniversary of my first day of sobriety which was July 24, 1984. I hope you will all stop by tomorrow for the festivities.

Today I am struggling again with lethargy. I need to get out and run and I don't feel like it. This is SO out of character for me. I really wonder what is going on. I have felt this way for almost a week. I WILL get out and run, in spite of my (hopefully temporary) lack of desire and passion for it. My triathlon is less than 2 weeks away.

I am tired and uninspired, so I will just put on my running shoes and get out of here. Have a great sober Monday everyone.

"We had a new employer. He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Lethal Disease

My sponsor called last night. We are making plans for her visit next weekend. I am so excited. While we were talking, she told me that our friend Skip died. They don't know yet what the cause of death was, but he had been drinking for about the last year. I just went back and read what I wrote about him last year when I found out he was drinking. It is chilling. God Bless Him. God Bless us all. All the expensive cars, nice houses, young girl/boyfriends, all the trappings of success cannot keep us alive. It is only God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

That said - I had a marvelous day yesterday. Started with a meeting, then a couple hour nap, and my daughter came over after her NA meeting. We went shopping and I cut and colored her hair! That is not my forte, I pay to have mine done, but there was a time I did my own, and I guess I haven't forgotten. It was a wonderful mother/daughter day. And when mother and daughter are both clean and sober, there is a very special bond. Incredible. I am so grateful.

What a precious gift sobriety is. All it takes is a little bit of care and feeding, and in return we are granted a life beyond our wildest dreams. And all it takes is a bit of arrogance and defiance and we can lose it and our lives in a twinkling. My wish for myself and for all of us sober alcoholics is that we can keep our gratitude and humble awe at what God has wrought in our lives.

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 43

Saturday Morning

Sorry for this late post. I wanted to get to the meeting this morning - even though I didn't get to bed until 2:00 a.m. - and only got a couple hours of sleep... and didn't have time to post before the meeting.

I actually indulged in the madness of standing in line at midnight to purchase a Harry Potter book last night. It was crazy! But while waiting for midnight, my daughter and I went to a GREAT movie. It is called "You Kill Me" with Ben Kingsley as an alcoholic hit man whose alcoholism is interfering with his ability to do his "job" well... so his family sends him to AA. It is very dark, but very very funny.

So now that I have been to my meeting, I need to get out and run and then come home and go to sleep before my other daughter comes to visit this afternoon after her NA meeting. Life is good.
Have a great sober weekend everyone. XXXOOO

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of any9one. Teh only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

Lazy Friday

Wow. I started typing "lazy friday" and it popped up, because I have already titled another one of my posts that way. Well, it is true today as well. I was supposed to run this morning, but I just can't. It is a weird feeling to NOT want to run. It is kind of an awful feeling. I hope it will pass.

Tonight I am going to a movie with my daughter, and then we are going to Barnes and Noble to pick up our Harry Potter books at midnight! This is another family tradition, and it will be the last time - this is the 7th and last Harry Potter book.

This week has really been freakishly busy for me, both at work and in my personal life. Maybe that is why I am so tired. I have a serious need for some down time!

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep and abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, July 16 reading

Fellowship

Last night I got to have dinner with Lash. I ate like the last days of Rome. It sure was good. I find it so amazing that I can "meet" bloggers and not be surprised at all. Never having met them, but having read what they have written day after day, I have yet to be surprised. Only surprised by the wonderful people I have met through blogging. Lash is a good sober man and we talked and laughed like old friends. He is a friend.

S0rry to have no picture today. I am just plumb out of ideas.

I am off to church this morning. Then a full day of work, then a meeting tonight. It is a full day. A good sober day. Thank you God.

"There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 33

Summer Stuff

Took a bike ride last night with a friend from my 6:30 a.m. meeting. She recently celebrated a year of sobriety. It was great fun. You ride for 6.25 miles uphill, turn around and go like a bat out of hell for 6.25 miles back. I took the above photo with my cell phone at the turn-around spot. We talked the entire time, and it was just really fun. She is so enthusiastic about her sobriety, she is like a breath of fresh air.

Yesterday my sponsor called to tell me that she and her husband are coming for my AA birthday. I am so excited. They will be staying with me. I will be officially celebrating on Friday (the 27th) at a speakers' meeting, although on my actual birthday on Tuesday, I will just go to my regular meetings. They will get here on Friday and stay until Sunday. I cannot wait to see her.

I better get out and run. I have a presentation to give at 9:30 and it wouldn't hurt to review it before hand.

"Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill that immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 13

Tuesday

I need to be out of here in about 15 minutes. I am sitting in my jammies, with old eye makeup under my eyes, hair pointing in every conceivable direction, sipping my first cup of coffee. I am moving s-l-o-w this morning. I had intended to run this morning and then take a bike ride this afternoon, but it looks like the run is not happening.

It is one week before my AA birthday. The days preceding my early birthdays used to be insane. These days I haven't felt that kind of "squirreliness" but I do tend to reflect a bit. I remember that last July of drinking. It was truly awful.

Not for drama. Not for any disasters. I think it just dawned on me that my life was always going to be this way, drinking every single day. Never drawing a sober breath. Being too sick to do anything with my children. Laying on the couch most of the day. Wanting my house dark and quiet, and instead I had three healthy, lively, little children.

My last drunk? I drank all day July 23, 1984 (as I drank every single day all day long), and in the evening when my husband came home from work, we piled the kids in the car and drove to the library. But suddenly, driving up Wadsworth Boulevard in Broomfield, Colorado, I had a thought - I knew I was going to make an ass of myself and my kids by showing up at the library drunk. I asked myself why I didn't take them to the library when I was sober and I had a chilling thought - one which never occurred to me before - because I am NEVER sober. Never.

I had many dramatic moments before this one. Many drunken debacles. Don't get the idea that going to the library drunk was the worst thing I ever did. I don't know why, but I thank God that this, of all things, was my bottom. I called AA the next day, and the rest, as they say, is history. Thank you God!

"We perceive that only though utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 21

A New Week

I need to get ready to get out of here pronto! I am going to the 6:30 meeting this morning because I won't be getting to the 5:30 meeting tonight - because I have scheduled a regular time to meet with a sponsee on Monday nights.

Yesterday my buddy Larry called me at about 11:00 and asked me to come over and visit him. God bless him, he has a bunch of health problems and has been told not to leave the house if it is over 72 degrees outside. In other words, he is holed up in his apartment and is rarely getting out. I went over and we visited for a couple of hours, ate some pineapple and strawberries, and drank the most delicious cream soda I have ever had!

In Pam's gratitude list this morning she used this phrase "My 'program' posse of women and men." I absolutely love that! I love the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Most of them are definitely an acquired taste. But once you love them, it is incredibly wonderful.

And here I will tell on myself: There is a new woman at one of my meetings. She is maybe 30 years old. Very attractive. Dresses very provocatively. Always has a "herd" with her, her boyfriend, her mother, etc. She comes into the meeting talking on her cell phone and stays on the phone until the meeting starts. I turned to the man sitting next to me before the meeting on Friday, looked at her and whispered "our very own Paris Hilton." He was surprised at my bitchiness. But then, she saw me, came running over and just gushed about what I had said the night before and how true it was and how it helped her so much! Well, in that moment, self-centered person that I am, I changed my mind about her. I truly hope she stays sober and I am sure that if she does, she will learn to come to meetings alone and turn off the phone and talk to US before and after the meetings. Hopefully, she will put some clothes on too!

"I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 37

Sunday Morning

That's a picture from my bike ride yesterday. I drove across town with my road bike on the back of my car - only to take it off and find that it had a flat tire. So I drove back to my side of town, hopped on my mountain bike and rode to a nearby park (see above.) I took my road bike back to the bike shop, got the tire repaired (again) and will hop on it in a minute and take a nice early morning ride.

I am devoid of ideas this morning. I feel tired and dull. I hope a bike ride will get me back on track. I am grateful to be sober. Some days when I feel slightly bad, I remember what it was like to feel HORRIBLE every day until I got some alcohol in my system.

"Personally, I take the attitude that I intend never to drink again. This is somewhat different from saying 'I will never drink again.' The latter attitude sometimes gets people in trouble because it is undertaking on a personal basis to do what we alcoholics never could do. It is too much an act of will and leaves too little room for the idea that God will release us from the drink obsession provided we follow the AA program." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 16

Saturday Morning

And I am heading out to the lake for a little (800 - 1000 meters) swim at daybreak, followed by a 12 to 20 mile bike ride. And I am excited about it! Training for a triathlon is fun!

Why do I write about my exercise each day? Because I love it. I have a separate fitness blog, where I talk about it in detail and get lots of good support and help from other people who are truly jocks, but here I talk about it because it is a big part of my sobriety. If my illness is three-fold: physical, spiritual, and mental... I need to do my best to restore my health in each of these areas. My physical exercise is also tremendously helpful for my mental state. It really helps!

Yesterday I was sweating how I was going to get to the 5:30 meeting. I knew I wasn't going to get to the 6:30 a.m. this morning because I will be at the lake by that time. But I had to mow the lawn and get some work done on my bike, and if I went to the 5:30, I knew these things would not get done. Then an intuitive thought came to me: I get a lunch break! So I drove home at lunch and quickly ran, in my dress, around my lawn with my lawn mower... then I drove to the bike store and got my bike fixed up... and picked up a slice of pizza and went back to work. I was sitting in a colleague's office later in the day and she said "do you have DIRT on your leg?" Sure 'nuff, I had dirt all over my legs! Cooooool.

Have a great sober weekend everyone.

"Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 130

Friday the 13th of July

It is 52 degrees outside and I need to get out there and run! It will be fabuloso! I slept rather late this morning, so I will be running late - until I get to my office and can just slink into the work-a-day. I have no appointments or meetings today, so I hope to get a lot of work done! How 'bout a gratitude list? OK:

• I work M-F, and therefore have S-S off!
  
• I am in good health and can actually enjoy going out for a run
• The birds are singing this morning
• It rained yesterday, and it is cool and damp this morning
• It has been a year and three days since I have seen my son, but it is about a month until I will see him again
• The women I sponsor are wonderful sober women who are sincere about their sobriety
• Sober friends who I love
• My friend Mike whose birthday is also 24/7 (July 24). He will be 14, I will be 23 - is he my "little" brother?
  
• Sober bloggers, I love you guys!
• The Infinite Grace of a Loving God

"Our search must be for what reality we can find, which includes the best definition and feeling of love that we can acquire. If the capability of loving is in the human being, then it must surely be in his Creator." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 294

Waiting in Line

Waiting in line to get into the Harry Potter movie last night. My two daughters and my son's friend were there. It is nice that it is their tradition to include me in this event. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have if I was still sneaking booze into movies... but Thanks to the Grace of a Loving God - I am not.

"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 46

Wednesday Stuff

I am heading out of here in a minute for a bike ride with a swim in the middle of it! It is so much fun to start a day like this. And a glorious day it is, nice and cool. Tonight I have tickets to go see the latest Harry Potter movie with my daughters and one of my son's friends. We will miss my son, because we have gone to each of the movies as a group... but he will be home soon.

So I have a question. How much time to spend helping someone who wants what I have but is not willing to go an inch to get it? A woman I used to sponsor and has since used and drank called a couple of weeks ago in dire straits. She wanted my help. I talked with her and spent some time with her. She has since decided that she doesn't want to go to AA because we cuss and we don't all believe in God (as she understands him). Her church has been kind enough to assign two women to help her out. On good days, she believes these women provide all the help she needs. However, when the s*** hits the fan, she calls me.

Yesterday she left me a message. She is a mess (again). She asked me to please call her back because she really needed to talk to ME. I never got hold of her yesterday. But I wonder if I am really being helpful at all. My ex-husband used to talk about people who wanted to "second-hand" recovery. They don't want to do anything to get it themselves, they want to get MY recovery - by osmosis. It doesn't work. Part of me thinks that I should cut this woman totally loose - and tell her to call the church ladies when she is in trouble. Maybe if she were totally cut off from what AA offers, she would realize she needs it - instead of doing a bit of a cafeteria approach - she'll have some of the fellowship, but none of the responsibility... like jello without the green beans.

I'm just thinking... I haven't got it worked out. If you have thoughts on this, please share them.

"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

Vacations

This is a photo from my daughter's vacation. I thought it was so beautiful, I would share it with you all. Also, I am needing to get my vicarious vacation thrills. It seems I am stuck without being able to take a summer vacation this year. There is an unannounced thing expected at work sometime this summer and I need to be there for it. After these folks show up, I can take time off, and before then, I just need to be there.

Last night I met with a sponsee and we started our journey through the big book. We read the forwards to the first, second, third, and fourth editions of the big book. It always gives me goose bumps to read the earnestness of the forwards, talking about our growth and current membership. To think of what a miracle it was in 1939 to write that there were "more than one hundred men and women who have recovered..." and in 2001 we were "an estimated two million or more." And it is all based on one drunk talking to another drunk... what an honor and blessing it is to get to be part of this.

The wind is blowing like crazy outside but I need to get out and run. I had planned on a bike ride and swim, but that isn't happening in this wind!

"In any meeting, anywhere, AAs share experience, strength, and hope with each other in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxiv

I Love Monday

Yesterday Scott W. sent me a link so that I could download Firefox - he found that he didn't have the blogger troubles that have been plaguing both of us when he used Firefox. I downloaded it and now I have great blogger functionality.

Yesterday was a good day... I got out before sunrise and took a 3 mile run which was glorious. Went to church. Took a nap. My daughter came over and replaced my broken bathroom faucet! Met with a sponsee for her 2nd and 3rd steps.

She now begins her 4th step. It has been a couple of years since I have successfully sponsored a person in her first year. I think it is different to do the steps for the first time. I feel there is great urgency about it. I don't think it is so important that you fine tune them to perfection, but that you get them done so that you don't drink again. This is not rocket science. It is trusting God and cleaning house. And the 4th step is not the Great American Novel... it is putting to paper the stuff that causes you enough discomfort that a suicidal drink sounds like a viable alternative. I always remember what Dick S. (long departed) used to say: you can only do each step to the best of your ability today. And when you are new, odds are you don't have much ability. But you still do what you can.

Now I am gratefully off to work. I wasn't in my office much last week and I have lots to get done. I am so grateful to be gainfully employed, in the field that I studied and I love.

"From the beginning, communication in AA has been no ordinary transmission of helpful ideas and attitudes. Because of our kinship in suffering, and because our common means of deliverance are effective for ourselves only when constantly carried to others, our channels of contact have always been charged with the language of the heart." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 195

Waking up Happy

Waking up happy. I love it when this happens. I am going to take a very early morning run (once it gets slightly light outside) and then head to church. Then I am meeting a sponsee to do her 2nd step. It should be a very nice day.

Yesterday I went for an 800 meter swim, followed by a 12.4 mile bike ride, on hills, in the heat. It was glorious! I am thinking of registering for an extra triathon that is next weekend. So, I will have the tri on August 5, as well as the one next weekend. We shall see if I actually do it, but I know I am capable of it - and that is a nice feeling.

Last night was nightwatch. It was held at the mountain home of one of our members. It was 100 degrees in the city, and 68 degrees at his house! It was marvelous. We sat on his deck, and looked at the mountains and ate gobs of food. Someone at the deal said that we alcoholics "eat good food," I disagreed and said that we "eat happy food." Bratwurst, chips, scalloped potatoes, pasta salads, and cakes, cookies, candy, and of course, one Mary Christine Homebaked Blueberry Pie! I like to think that the calories consumed at an AA function don't really count - it is a spiritual event and not really physical at all.... sure... I like it.

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 115

For the Sake of Consistency

Just for the sake of consistency - I will post here this morning. I was taught early in sobriety that it was important to do what I say I am going to do. That it is a blessing if people actually come to rely upon me to do something consistently - because no one could count on me for anything when I was drinking. This runs counter to pop culture - that I should think only of myself and what I want. As a drunk, I have thinking about myself down to a science... what is tricky for me is to think of others.

I have been told by several people that they read my blog daily - I think that is an honor and a blessing. I have been having a problem with blogger and the comment feature is not working most of the time when I try to post a comment on someone else's blog... so if you haven't seen me around for a while, that is why. In fact - Blogger won't even let me get into the title section for this post, so it won't have a title. I guess you get what you pay for.

I went to the 6:30 a.m. meeting this morning, and I am off for a swim, bike ride, and run at a local reservoir. Training for the tri is in full swing now. Somehow while sitting in the meeting, I hurt my back. I am hopeful that swimming will loosen it up. I still don't feel 100% recovered from whatever I had on Thursday.

"We had a new employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

ick.

Yesterday at work I was feeling ill. I had to give a presentation at 2:00, and planned on just getting through that and going home. But no! In the middle of my presentation, I got that overwhelming feeling and had to run out of the room and go vomit! Yikes. How embarrassing.

As I knelt in front of the porcelain and hurled my guts out (you're welcome, I know you enjoy the detail), what did I think? I thought "Oh NO! Yesterday was a holiday, they are going to think I am hungover!" Honestly! God willing and the creeks don't rise, I will celebrate 23 years of continuous sobriety on July 24. I have been working in the same place for almost 13 years - I have never thrown up in all the time I have worked there. WHY would anyone think I am hungover? Some ideas just never want to leave us.

I had to go back into the meeting, pick up my PDA, keys, notebook, etc., and apologize and leave for the day. When I got home, I went to bed, and then the woman I have sponsored for a long time (bless her heart) took me out for dinner. I am not going to work today - I really still feel awful.

Thank God I am sober. I cannot imagine feeling like this almost every day - which I did for years. -- And whenever I think about all those hangover mornings, I recall the best description of a hangover I have ever heard...

"We know for sure that alcoholics do have tremendous willpower. Consider the ways we could manage to get a drink in defiance of all visible possibilities. Merely to get up some mornings - with a rusting cast-iron stomach, all your teeth wearing tiny sweaters, and each hair electified - takes willpower many nondrinkers rarely dream of." --Living Sober, p. 85

I'm tired

Yesterday was so jam-packed with activities, and today I have to be up so early in the morning, I am just tired. Give me a cup of coffee, and I will probably be OK. But for the first thursday in a year and a half, I don't have a picture.

At the AA picnic yesterday, I was seated with so many friends I have known throughout the years. It was a good deal. I was talking to an old friend, and recalled going to AA picnics when I was a girl - my dad was in AA. Then my children came with me to AA picnics when they were young (and so was I). Now my grandchildren are going to NA picnics with their mother (my daughter). If you have to be alcoholic, which apparently we do, this is sure a good way to go about it.

Yesterday I went off to church, thinking it would be a good start to my day. However, yesterday the priest at my church chose the 4th of July as an opportunity to give an anti-war homily. (just for the record, I am not FOR war, but I have a son serving in one, and I feel that he is a good man, serving an important function - and that does not make him a bad person.) The sermon was so full of disdain for so many things that really felt personal to me, I started crying. I really didn't stop crying until I got to the picnic, several hours later. I am grateful for my AA friends and many AA functions that I can attend and where people actually care about me.

That said, I am now off to church. Unlike the MC of old, I will not stop going to church because I have been offended by someone. I will most likely speak to the priest about this at a later date, but I am not going to stop doing one of the most important things in my life because of hurt feelings.

"We used to amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual beliefs and practices when we might have observed that many spiritually-minded persons of all races, colors, and creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness and usefulness which we should have sought ourselves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 49

Happy 4th of July

I am a Blue Star Mom. This is the Blue Star Flag that is on my front porch. A friend gave me a little flood light to light it on my last birthday. This flag signifies that I have a family member serving in a war. My son is in Iraq.

This morning, I will try (this is a lot to do and I may not be able to do it all) to first bake a lemon meringue pie to take to the picnic today. Second, take a bike ride and a run. Third, go to church at 8:30. Then I have the AA picnic at 11:00, and a party in the neighborhood tonight. I will most likely make it to the 5:30 meeting in the middle of it all. I am sad to not be going to the 6:30 a.m. this morning, but as you can see, I have too much to do this morning.

No matter what is going on, I make time for my morning prayer and meditation, and my written tenth step at night. Most days I attend an AA meeting. I always spend at least some time on the phone with an AA member each day. I usually try to think of one to call who may not be expecting a call, or who I know is hurting. - I tell you these things not to tell you how virtuous I am, but to tell you that no matter how long you are sober, it is still a daily process of staying sober - one day at a time. If I rest on my laurels, they will get wrinkled!

Have a sober and safe Independence Day to my American Friends - to the rest, have a wonderful 4th of July - whatever that means to you.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

July 3

I am going to take a bike ride this morning before work - while it is still relatively cool. There is nothing like the exhilaration of a cool blast of air in the face as you pick up your speed on a bike... even better when you are heading down a big hill. 30 + mph on a bike feels GOOD!

I am looking forward to the 4th of July holiday - even though I dislike the local yokel fireworks. I love the professional displays, but do not care for the ones under my bedroom window... set off by people who apparently don't want to burn down their own house, so they travel a few houses down. I have an AA picnic to attend and then a neighbor's party in the evening.

There is not much going on. I am grateful to have a lack of drama in my life today. Staying sober, one day at a time, keeping my own side of the street clean, makes life pretty simple. Oh sure, there are the occassional complications, but for the most part, there is a wonderful lack of drama.

"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition 'happy are ye who know these things and do them.' For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.) p. 551 (Freedom from Bondage)

Lavender Morning

This is the lavender that grows along the side of my house. It is not a particularly nice photo of it (I am not even awake yet). At midday there are so many bees around the flowers that it fairly buzzes with excitement!

It is very hot here. It is expected to get to 100 degrees the next two days, as it did yesterday. It is a very dry heat - it feels like a sauna. I actually like temperatures below zero a lot more than I like temperatures above 80. I am a hot weather wimp. I just don't like it.

I seem to be stymied for anything meaningful to say, so let me do a grateful list:

• Central Air Conditioning (at home and work)
• Heavy, dark, velvet drapes on all my windows
• That I gave up soda pop for lent and have not started up again
• That although I am heavy, I am extremely healthy and fit for a woman my age
• My children - Laura who is so responsible, and yet funny and fun. Megan who is my wild child (clean & sober 95 days). Kenny who is a wonderful man, off serving in a war - and not complaining about it.
• My sponsor, who called me yesterday
• A former sponsee who called yesterday - she is still sober!
• The women I currently sponsor - I love them
• The AA groups I have been part of over the years
• That I will celebrate 23 years of sobriety in 22 days
• All the AA members who have been so much a part of my life
• My sober blogging buddies...you have added so much to my sobriety
• That I got to talk with Scott yesterday
• For long gratitude lists that I have to consciously decide to stop - lest they go on FOREVER!
• For the Grace of a Loving God, who has tenderly cared for me when all I could do was try with all my might to destroy myself. And who continues to care for me - when I sometimes think I know what is best and what I need.

"In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

Happy July!

I looked back at last year's post for this day - it was when my son was on leave before he left for Iraq. We had watched "Mean Girls" together and laughed, and laughed - and ate and ate. It was a great time, but with a heavy cloud hanging over it. Today is sort of the opposite. It is a heavy time, with worry for my son, but with golden shining hope for his homecoming - which will be in a little over a month.

Yesterday I ran 8.5 miles in the heat. After I ate and bathed, I took a nap, and ended up sleeping all afternoon! It was nice to do that, but there is a part of me that says I wasted a day. In the evening, instead of going to church or a meeting as I usually do, I went to the annual meeting of my homeowner's association. It is the first time I have gone. I nearly volunteered when they said they needed a new secretary. But I kept my eyes and my hand down and the urge passed.

I need to get going out of here to church. It is nice to wake up on a beautiful summer morning and have nothing to do but go to church. My neighborhood is quiet, the birds are singing, my flowers are beautiful... this is what suburban living is supposed to be about - I think. It is going to be hot again today, so I am not clear on what I am going to do for exercise. I may go to the gym later and swim or run on the treadmill.

Last night I talked with my friend Larry who described laying on the couch - with a hangover - wanting everyone to go away - moaning the alcoholic refrain "leave me alone!" And how different life is today. But I can recall the days on the couch or in bed and wanting nothing other than my head to stop pounding and to be able to keep something in my stomach. Oh yes, those were the "good old days."

In any event, I am sure I will have a lovely sober day today and I hope you all do too.

"I came to AA solely for the purpose of sobriety, but it has been through AA that I have found God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.), p. 192