Saturday, January 12, 2008

The problem with other people is that they are there.

According to Mike P. at the 6:30 meeting today. I loved that.

I lived through the week! woo hoo! It was a rough one. I am going to endeavor to enjoy this weekend with every fiber of my being. I got up early and went to a meeting - which is a good start. I went to the grocery store for some weekend food on my way home from the meeting... which is good. I now have a pot roast simmering on the stove, which is good and even smells so.
I am going to go out and run in a minute and that is super good! I haven't been able to run since January 3. That messes with my mental health, but it is good that I know that.

So, here's a question for y'all. I sponsor a woman with 8 or 9 years sobriety. We had arranged to meet every Tuesday night, she comes to my house and we are going through the big book together. However, she has canceled every single Tuesday for at least a month. Probably closer to 2 or even 3 months. I don't keep track... So, the thing that irritates me about this is:

1. I am really busy, I carve this time out of my schedule - I could easily schedule something else, or just take a night off!
2. She always asks if we can meet on Thursday night, or the weekend. I always say "no." I always tell her that I am never going to be available on Thursday night or the weekend, and yet she asks me this every single week.

I tell you how long she has been sober because I think if she were new, I could cut her some slack. It seems to me that she doesn't want to meet with me, so she cancels, but somehow she rationalizes that it is OK because she 'tries' to arrange to meet me at another time (knowing that I can't).

MY sponsor says: "fire her." Period. I don't really want to, I hate ending relationships. But it might be in her best interest to find that irresponsible actions like this have consequences.... I really don't know.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.

13 comments:

MEG in Virginia said...

Put her in the background. She knows where to find you on Tuesday nights when she's ready but until then, use your Tuesday nights for something else...for you maybe. She may never show up...but make it her choice, not yours.

dAAve said...

pot roast -- yummy!!

I hate using the word "fire" as it pertains to sponsorship, so I won't.

Banana Girl said...

MC,
Being new at sponsorship, I am hardly qualified to give you advice. I do have a question though: What part of not available on Thursday or Weekends does she not understand? I think she may be trying to fire you. Sort of a suicide by cop (substitute: sponsor) action. That way she doesn't have to make the decision and she feels she won't be culpable. Just a thought. Avoidance is such a sneaky thing. You are avoiding firing her and she is avoiding firing you and you are worrying about her and she is worried about something. And on it goes.....no work, no steps, just a standoff and tons of frustration. Perhaps a little chat is in order. Just some thoughts.
Another reminder....Are you available to come for my 2 year birthday?

Kathy Lynne said...

ROFLMAO!! If people would just go away, life would be good. I so get that sometimes. Glad to catch up with you. Sounds like you had a rough week and lots of new beginnings. I'm still on my pink cloud and hanging on for dear life but I am sooo grateful that my "elders" can show me that I can get through the stuff and stay sober too!! So F*%k the naysayers and mean people. And your sponsee, well my sponser says keep it simple and what you're describing is sounding complicated. I don't like the fire word either. How about disengage:)?

johno said...

Vinegar, whats your experience, Help please.

http://johnojohno.blogspot.com/2008/01/vinegar-whats-your-experience-help.html

thanks

dirtydishes-calmacceptance said...

Leave her in Gods hands where you found her. I hate the word fire too. She obviously is not willing to go to any lengths. I have one that does the same thing,always cancels and wants to meet on Saturday, if I have the day off it is the one day I do not make any commitments to anyone except my husband (well known fact to everyone I know) Sounds like she is trying very hard to manipulate you, but I bet if you backed down,she would cancel! In the summer months my co-sponsor gets us all together every other week and we have a step meeting,no bitching allowed,we talk about what step(s) we worked that week, what problem we had and how we used the steps to get through it. It opens the door for communication, maybe she would feel more comfortable in a setting like that to start with. Really keeps us all accountable. I agree with Meg

Scott W said...

I just wish they ALL would behave like I want them to. Then my world would be really excellent!

RE: the nagging sponsee. I think I might say okay to one of the other nights, if she goes for actually meeting then I would have the discussion with her that you are not available for manipulations. She can either use you as her sponsor or use someone else, it is her commitment. By not living up to their own commitments people end up firing themselves.

Maainerevgal said...

I agree-- the word "fire" seems very harsh. But then I have a sponsor who tells me the only reason she'd fire me is if she drank. In your circumstance, I would confront her, though. Seems you're both avoiding direct dealing, and doing a very awkward dance in the process. You lose nothing by speaking the truth,( other than a potential resentment)even if you end up doing so in an email!! Hope that helps.

Anybeth said...

perhaps this is her way of saying she's not available on Tuesdays, but she's not good at being straightforward about it?

Scott said...

lol, I am with dAAve, fire sounds so mean and final, maybe just give the thing a break and see what happens...

by the way, good to read ya again

Mark said...

Page 96;

"If you leave such a person alone, he/she may soon become convinced that he/she cannot recover by him/herself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy."

I say - move on, but stay open-minded and open-hearted unless something proves out otherwise.

Nigel News said...

Boundaries are being broken here, by her.
I would stick my ground and even say to her that it best she find some one else.
With her length of sobriety she should know better.
The first one in your sobriety has to be you.
Best wishes to you and the readers
Nigel, North Wales

YamadogGirl said...

Why exactly can't she meet on Tuesday? Why exactly can we not bend? There seem to be more questions than answers between the two of you. I haven't been able to read anyones mind yet, so I always ask questions?

We all share the disease alcoholism, but that doesn't always mean we think alike, to try and understand someone else's perspective we must seek.

I try to remember this prayer when dealing with a challenge, so I may be loving, compassionate and understanding of others instead of acting (or reacting) like I did when I was drinking (trying to change my defects).

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light; and
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying
that we are born to eternal life.
- St. Francis of Assisi

Together and with your Higher Power you will find a solution.

Love,
Kimberly