Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thursday Morning Way Pre-Dawn

Someone left a nasty-gram comment yesterday. "Are you attention seeking about the blog again. If you want to carry on do so, if not make your mind up."

I say to that: thank you for sharing.

Amazingly enough, my life is not 100% about this blog. I spend probably a half hour a day on it. The remaining 23.5 hours I am living my life. Right now my life is overwhelming.

In 2005, one of my first posts was called "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired." In it, I explained that I call myself "high-maintenance," not because I like expensive shit but because my list of self-care musts is pretty big. They really are musts. I really must exercise, eat right, sleep a lot, have quiet time for prayer and meditation, go to meetings, talk to friends, etc., etc., etc. if I am to be even remotely sane.

I am in a temporary work situation this week. I am working many hours a day without break, and it is very intense. It is my job. My job is not the same every day, and thank God it isn't usually the way it is now. Right now I am, of necessity, doing none of my self-care things and my mental health is definitely feeling it. So I am discouraged. I am tired. I am hungry most of the day because I haven't got time for any breaks. I am angry sporadically, like when I read a nasty fucking comment. I could be lonely, I don't know, I haven't time to figure it out. I talked with my sponsor this evening, she suggested I just get through this week - it may not be pretty, just get through it. Just make at least one AA contact a day on the phone. I have been doing that.

And in case you are confused, let me tell you: I am an alcoholic in recovery. This does not make me a saint. I am a person who has suffered from Major Depression throughout my life, thankfully it is in remission, but that isn't necessarily a permanent situation.

If you are looking for some person who got sober and turned into a perfectly adjusted person with no faults, keep looking, this is not the place. If you are looking for some phony who tries to make everything sound nice every day, keep right on looking, that is not me. If, however, I am telling you that my life is wonderful (which is what I do most of the time) you can trust that it is the truth.

I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a real live human being. I do not always feel great. Life doesn't always go my way. I don't even want it to, for crying out loud! I have plenty of faults. Most of the time, they are not too terribly evident. Right now they are, I guess. So, if you can't handle it, don't read my blog. OK?

Thank you.


dAAve said...

I saw that comment yesterday. It's so chicken-shit to leave an "anonymous" comment. That person obviously thinks less of him/her self than they think of you.

Have a great day, as much as that is possible. Things could be worse.

Scott W said...

I, too, saw that comment yesterday. And guess what, I remember the day when I could have done that same thing. Leave an anonymous little barb because I thought if I did that it would make me feel better, that I was better. That was the old super self-centered me. Thank God I do not have to live that life any longer.

I bow to you, dear one, for your post today. For without knowing it, we all recognize ourselves in your words--that we do struggle, and we do walk through it--and we do need to be reminded of the good, honest work we are doing in recovery.

So I thank you for not ignoring that snippy, no balls comment. I bet your today will be better because of it.

MEG in Virginia said...

I often wish the word "anonymous" could be removed from our vocabulary. Who do we think we are being anonymous from? A sharp pain went through my body when I read the anonymous comment yesterday. Obviously that person is not of the real world. If nothing else, I have learned that I need to accept reality even though I don't always agree with it. Life is just life and is always changing. Keep on trudging.

vegan.mama said...

What a cowardly thing to do... I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I personally find you a great source of inspiration... it's encouraging to know I'm not alone in struggling and having a fair share of difficult times amid all the spectacular ones.

Christine said...

so happy you are here and human

Banana Girl said...

This is exactly why I love you, oh great Sherpa. When I read your post today, I was looking in the mirror of truth and recovery. Thank you for the courage to put it into very strong clear words. What a woman!

Syd said...

Great post. I used to think that I had to put the brave face to the world and all that stiff upper lip stuff. We all have our ups and downs. We are human in a big way. Thanks for your honesty. You are always an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

Thank God you're real, Mary Christine.

Saints are boring.


Pam said...

Dear Mr./Ms. Anonymous,
Please send me your name and address. We don't take kindly to that kind of crap down here.
Well..our mothers can say that kind of crap to us...but that's all.
MC-little sweet Gerkin...I'm with you..I want to say how I feel on my blog...cuz it's MY BLOG.

Shannon said...

I dont know if you read my comment or not... but I do understand and can relate a great deal with getting weird comments...
I dont care about the people I dont know who leave me BS comments, its the ones I do know... its like... what you just said. My life is not 100% about this blog...and lately I think you know that because I can not even post everyday... and believe me it is not because I dont want to... because I do I enjoy it very much its because I dont have time... work has a lot of demands on me as well... my family... husband, children... sponsees, sponsor, my aa hall that is my homegroup, exercise, prayer meditation etc I agree with you and understand...
I am glad you know all this about yourself too, and yea it does piss us off when people are not very kind to us for no apparent reason... I dont know I went off here.. but I can relate with ya, hang in there and do the best you can. for what its worth I love ya and feel for ya.

Barbra said...

MC, thanks for being you! I admire your honesty and you are truly an inspiration to me!
Thanks for sharing.

Mark W. said...

MC - good for you for being really real! Recovery is the best for folks like us and being real is such a large part of it! Thank you...

You've motivated me to post about something I have a passion for - 13th steppers. It was time - for me to say what I was feeling and I did, thanks to you!


Gwen R said...

MC ~ I sooo relate. I have to take care of myself too. I have anxiety and panic disorder and it reacts the same as the depression. It has recently popped its ugly head up. Triggered by who knows what. So now more than normal I have no choice but to eat right, sleep right, exercise, make more meetings and on and on. The list of self care is plentiful indeed.

Hang in there.

Love and hugs~