Springtime in the Rockies

Happy First Day of Spring. With each season's arrival, I say it is "my favorite," knowing that it can't be. I love them all.

I think spring has special meaning for alcoholics. I have thought about this a lot in the last couple of weeks. The winter we just went through was so difficult, it challenged everything and everybody. As I shoveled snow through the winter, I would think of the rose bushes, lilacs, tulips, and crocuses underneath all the snow and ice. There came a time when I thought that all life was slipping away under the burden of a difficult winter. I was physically ailing from a fall, and all that shoveling. I started to believe that nothing could survive.

And yet, the grass is now green, there are buds on my trees and rose bushes. I have never been so surprised by the arrival of spring.

And so it is with us alcoholics. We go through a winter of the soul that seems no one could survive. And yet we do survive and thrive and in the end, we are grateful for the life threatening crises that brought us to our knees.

"Someone once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress. How heartily we AAs can agree with him, for we know that the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Not feeling great

Although I have a lot of work with a 'drop dead' date of this friday, I think I am staying home today. I am just worthless. I am so tired and achy. My daughter was like this all last week, and I kept encouraging her to STAY HOME, get rest, get well. Perhaps I could listen to my own advice?

Here is what I will do (and thanks for reading as I process this)... I am going to go out and take a quick 3 mile run. I will see if that energizes me or if it kills me. If it kills me, obviously I cannot go to work. If it energizes me, obviously I will want to go to work! Any alcoholic will understand why I agonize over these things. Most of us called in 'sick' so many times when we were drinking, it is hard to call in truly sick without feeling like a liar. After 22 years you would think I would be over this, but I have a strong work ethic which normally serves me well, but in this case might be working against me.

I wanted to mention that my son called from Iraq on Sunday. I know many of you are praying for him, which I appreciate so much words can't say, and I feel that I should update you when I can. He sounds very tired and very old, but he says he is doing well. I am so proud of him for never once complaining about what must be a difficult assignment. God Bless Him.

"It is not to be expected that an alcoholic employee will receive a disproportionate amount of time and attention. He should not be made a favorite. The right kind of man, the kind who recovers, will not want this sort of thing. He will not impose. Far from it. He will work like the devil and thank you to his dying day." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 149

Monday AM

Yesterday I meant to take it easy and do basically nothing. However, I was standing out in my front yard (wearing shorts, sandals, and a little shirt), talking with my neighbors and seemingly spontaneously started pruning the huge ash tree in my front yard. I took a lot of big branches off that tree, and then I had to cut them up. I am still not done cutting them small enough to go out with the trash on Wednesday. I asked my neighbors on the other side of my house if they would mind me taking out the two bushes on our shared property line. I didn't know if they were theirs or mine. One was mine, and one was theirs. Not only didn't they mind, but Mr. Neighbor got his ATV out of his garage while Mrs. Neighbor tied a rope around the bushes, and they yanked them out! It was neat to watch. Now I am committed to doing some landscaping this year, I have been talking about doing this for almost 6 years now! Oh, I cannot wait to plant a climbing rose on the corner of my house!

From all this work, I am too sore to get out and run this morning. Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows - this is some serious soreness.

Daughter and family came over for dinner last night. She is 3rd on the list now for the rehab. She is packing up her household, preparing to put all her stuff in storage. Some of you have asked why it is taking so long to get into rehab. This is not your average rehab. This is the Salvvation Arrmy (sorry to misspell, but I don't want to come up on searches for this) - it is a six month residential program for women. It does not cost anything, which is good since my daughter hasn't worked for a couple of years now. The women work all day long at a warehouse, and then come back at night for therapy, and travel out a few nights a week for AA and NA meetings. I know people who have worked there, and I have seen the women from the program come to meetings over the years. I think it is a good program, and I think it is just the kind of thing my daughter needs.

My body hurts so bad I am actually considering not going to work today. I have 4 huge projects due by the end of this week, so that may not be the best idea. But I would dearly love to soak in the tub for an hour and then go back to bed. (I don't think most 55 year old women ran 10 miles on Saturday and then played Paul Bunyan on Sunday - but I am glad I can do both of these things!)

"I have come to believe that my illness is spiritual as well as physical and mental, and I know that for help in the spiritual sphere I have to turn to a Higher Power." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, (3rd ed.) p. 473

Beautiful (almost) Spring Sunday Morning

Crocuses in the garden
Buds on a lilac bush.

It is a beautiful day. I woke up somewhat late and decided not to hop straight out of bed and get to a meeting as I usually do. I am taking it slow this morning. Yesterday after the meeting, I went to the lake and ran 10 miles. Running 10 miles can make a person tired.

I am trying to be cheerful here, but I just feel dishonest. I am feeling creeped out because I just got slimed again by the very ill person who is commenting and e-mailing most of us. I think many of you can just dismiss him as a "nut" and delete, delete, delete - and report as spam. Part of this stage of my recovery is that I no longer can label people as "toxic" or "nuts" or whatever. I used to get away with that, but I can't any more. In this man's case, I may have to make an exception. His tirades are particularly hurtful to me because I am, I hope, not only spiritual (which I learned in AA), but because of AA, I have been able to return to my religion and that is as much a part of me as my legs or arms, or my heart. Believe me, it requires discipline not to write about it a lot, because as most of you know if you read this blog often, I spend a lot of time at my church and it is a very important part of my life. So I try to mention these things in a general way...

I don't write about my specific religion here because this blog is about AA. Many people get to this blog as a result of searches for info on AA. I feel an obligation to stick pretty close to traditions because of that (although I think perhaps the entire blog is a violation of the 11th tradition). The long form of the 11th tradition states:

"Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. We think AA ought to avoid sensational advertising. Our names and pictures as AA members ought not be broadcast, filmed, or publicly printed. Our public relations should be guided by the principle of attraction rather than promotion. There is never need to praise ourselves. We feel it better to let our friends recommend us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 567

Back to the 10th tradition, the long form of which is:

"No AA group or member should ever, in such a way as to implicate AA, express any opinion on outside controversial issues - particularly those of politics, alcohol reform, or sectarian religion. The Alcoholics Anonymous groups oppose no one. Concerning such matters they can express no views whatever." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 567

If I had named my blog "Mary's excellent adventures" or some other thing and hadn't identified myself as an AA member and said that this blog was specifically about that, I don't think I would worry so much about this. But I did. So I feel I have to be careful, just in case I damage one alcoholic's tiny little chance to get to AA and stay sober.

Okay, I am being Ms. Buzz Kill.... I have possibly had too much coffee (2 cups!!!) and I haven't eaten yet. I will eat and later I will get out in the sunshine and take a bike ride. I love the fact that because of my adherence with some commandments, I get to take the day off!!!

"We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 132

Happy Birthday to dAAve!

Happy Birthday to Daave! I am so glad he lived through all the adventures of his life and is now a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he doesn't smoke either! I am also grateful that we get to be bloggers together out here in the blogosphere - he makes it a better place for sure.

"Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. LIfe will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 152

6 Weird Things About Me

I was tagged by a couple of you to do this 6 Weird Thing thing. I did this back in December, so this is a copy of that post.
1. I love statistics and my mind works in ways that no matter what I do, I find a way to quantify it.
2. I have given birth to triplets (fertilization totally unaided) (see #1 above, the chances of this happening are 1/8,000).
3. I once killed a bear with a Buick.
4. Having been a flighty individual early in life (pre-sobriety), now I tend to stick to things long after anyone else would have stopped - sometimes I remind myself of a cock roach - the creature that will be left on earth long after everything else is extinct.
5. I won a bubble-gum blowing contest in my childhood.
6. I need "foot-freedom" - would rather be barefoot than anything. My feet have to stick outside of the blankets at night...

Willingness

Let me preface this by saying; this will probably be a long and serious post... we'll see... Maybe I should start by telling a bit of my story. When I got sober, I had three small children; a 7 year old boy and 5 year old twin girls. When I brought them to a meeting with me, an old man called them names and told them to shut the f*** up. That was the end of me bringing them to meetings with me, which I later realized was a great blessing. (my opinion: Little kids do not need to be sitting in AA meetings, and dragging them to meetings may spoil a later chance for them to come willingly to AA when they need to, because if they are your kid, odds are they will need to...but I digress.) So, every day I would wait for my husband to get home from work, and then I would head out the door to an AA meeting. After we separated, I would pay a babysitter, even though I was poverty-stricken, and go to AA meetings. Later in my sobriety, I went for a couple of years without a car, so that I could afford to pay my child support (because my ex got custody of the kids when I was sober about 5 years). I had a bicycle and rode it to AA meetings. When I could not ride my bike for whatever reason, I rode the bus. Occassionally, I would get a ride with another alcoholic, but most of the time, I just got myself to an AA meeting by whatever means available to me - and I was happy to do it.

So - I just don't understand when someone can't get to a meeting. Or is "too tired" to show up when they are supposed to.

In my mind, if you are not willing to go to any length to stay sober, you are not going to stay sober. Right now I seem to be surrounded by new people who don't seem willing to go an INCH to stay sober. They act like they are doing someone a favor by staying sober for a day, going to a meeting, or making a phone call. No Comprende!

When I got to AA, I wanted to be sober more than anything in the world. I still do. I consider my sobriety to be a gift from God, one that requires a little bit of care and feeding. I am more than happy to do a teensy bit of legwork in an effort to keep it.

I am so grateful that my bottom was my own bottom. I didn't have a judge, or social services, or a husband - or anyone telling me that it was my bottom. When I got to AA I was ready and willing to get sober. I was out of great ideas. I did what they told me to do. I have always appreciated the time that another alcoholic would spend with me. I have never felt that anyone owed me anything. I consider it a gift! That is why you will never hear me talk about "the work," or "working the program." I just call that cooperating a little bit with God.

I guess I sound old and maybe the AA equivalent to "back in the day, I walked to school 2 miles - uphill both ways." But it is my very own experience, strength, and hope - and that is all I have to share with anyone.

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 115

Meetings, meetings, meetings...

Everything I need for a meeting - except for you!

(I took a bunch more photos yesterday and have them on my photo blog)

And now I am off to church!

"Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AA's Twelve Steps." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Discombobulation

I am heading out of here for a 6:30 a.m. meeting. I normally go to this meeting on the weekend, but not weekdays...because I am normally running on the weekdays...but I ran last night...because of the time change. The sponsee I normally meet with on Tuesday evening was back in town unexpectedly so I met with her instead of going to the 5:30 meeting... and I missed it the night before because I was at the ER... EEEEK! I just want some "normal" in my life again.

The run was wonderful. For the first time since my birthday (on December 15), I ran on a dirt trail at a lake. It really is different to not be on concrete or asphalt, wonderfully different. It was in the 70s, so I had shorts and a tank top on, which felt heavenly.

"The positive value of righteous indignation is theoretical - especially for alcoholics. It leaves every one of us open to the rationalization that we may be as angry as we like provided we can claim to be righteous about it." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 58

Emergency Room

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening at a local emergency room. I will start by saying - everything is OK, thank God. My youngest granddaughter became very ill and my daughter took her to the ER. She had a high fever among other things and they thought she might have meningitis. They did a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) to test the spinal fluid, and thankfully, that was fine. Little Madeline started perking up after IV fluids, but had an adverse drug reaction to the IV antibiotic... that was scary. She went back home last night and I will call in a bit to see how she is this morning.

The one shining moment in this (I always look for a shining moment, it must be from all the "mind-numbing" years in AA), was to watch my two daughters minister to the baby. I stood back and watched as they held her while some pretty gruesome things were being done. It was a wonderful moment - to realize that I am no longer "the one." I can take a back seat to these wonderful women, my daughters. It was not only a feeling of passing the baton, but also a tremendous swelling of love and pride in my daughters. They are both good women, no matter what their disposition may be.

I also have to say that I tried to engage this person who is harrassing all of us. I thought there were two people, but it turns out he is but one very disturbed individual. It was probably a mistake to try to enter a dialog with him. I had 6 very disturbing e-mails from him this morning. If it continues, I will report it as spam. I feel bad about the hurt and pain that must be behind that kind of vitriol.

We are supposed to have record-breaking high temperatures today. I am going to endeavor to get to work early and leave early to run in the afternoon sunshine before the 5:30 meeting. I am so grateful to be alive and sober today. I usually enjoy spring, but after the winter we have just experienced, I feel like the world is coming back to life! It is wonderful!

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

Alcoholics are like that...

I got an e-mail from someone spewing hatred for AA - because it is thinly disguised Christianity, descendent of the Oxford Groups and is therefore the national religion of the US. Sheeesh! Then I saw on Daave's blog a commenter saying that AA is satan and he has been brought out of the hell of AA and saved by Jesus Christ. Kind of Polar Opposites, but they both hate AA. For supposedly opposite reasons, but I bet the real reason is that they both tried AA and didn't like it - for whatever reason. Probably someone criticized them... Alcoholics are like that! Someone said something bad about me, I think I will write an Expose!!! And send e-mails to everyone!!! And clog up people's blogs with long boring comments!!!

Thanks to AA, I get to live a clean, respectable life in a beautiful little carefully tended house. I have two diplomas sitting above my desk here - from my degrees which were worked for and attained in my "mind-numbing" sobriety. I have problems in my life - who doesn't? But I don't have to obsess on them. I don't have to be in despair over anything. I can put one foot in front of the other and try to live my life to the fullest, and to the happiest, and to the greatest good.

It is Monday, I get to go back to work this morning. I have a meeting with my boss at 10:00. And other meetings throughout the day. Then I have my favorite AA meeting of the week at 5:30. It is good stuff... and the weather is glorious! I am trying to "go with the flow" of the time change, because I dislike it - I could decide to be unhappy for the next three weeks to a month, but why bother - so last night I took the run I would have normally had this morning.

"We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 96

Sunday Morning

I just got back from the 6:30 a.m. meeting. It was challenging to get there because it felt like 5:30 a.m. - I looked outside as we passed the basket at 7 a.m., and it was still dark!

My daughter has another serious infection. She visited the ER on Friday night. At first they didn't believe she is an IV drug user because she doesn't look like one. They finally believed her and told her she was the "best looking speed freak" they had ever seen. Now, THERE is a claim to fame. I just pray she can get into rehab soon.

After I dropped off my granddaughter yesterday afternoon, I ran 6.2 miles, came home and got cleaned up and spent the late afternoon/early evening at church. I am so grateful that I can do this today. I thought about the fact that I feel I belong there and what a miracle that is.

Thanks to the grace of a loving God, and the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I get to live a life today that is beyond my wildest dreams. I have peace in my heart and a deep happiness in my soul. I did not have a drink yesterday and I don't want one today. These are all miracles.

"What is this power that AA possesses? This curative power? I don't know what it is. I suppose the doctor might say, 'this is psychosomatic medicine.' I suppose the psychiatrist might say, 'this is benevolent interpersonal relations.' I suppose others would say, 'this is group psychotherapy.' To me it is God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.) p.352

Almost Spring Morning

Look at what Olivia and I found in the garden last night when we got home! There are also crocuses up and in flower. Thank God. This is supposed to be a lovely weekend, with temperatures in the 60s.

I am so selfish and set in my ways, although it is nice for me to have my granddaughter here with me, I am thinking of what I would normally be doing. I miss my run today and my 6:30 meeting. Olivia is sick, so we probably won't be doing much, and maybe that is a good thing.

"Everbody knows that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. So let each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Last weekday with "normal" time

I really dislike the change to daylight savings time. It won't be getting light outside until almost 7 a.m. next week - and that is far too late to be heading out for a 4 or 5 mile run (that is, if I expect to get to work before 10 a.m.) It will all work out within a month or two, but that is a month or two when I need to be stepping up my mileage, in preparation for the half-marathon which is now less than 2 months away.

Last night another woman asked me to sponsor her. She is sober a few days, her sobriety date is March 4... I told her that is a GREAT sobriety date, you know, March Forth... she thought that was great... I hope she keeps the sobriety date because I hope she stays sober. I am now sponsoring 4 women, which is two over my limit. I think I am veering dangerously close to ego stroke-ville. On the other hand, I thank God for these women because they are helping me immensely.

Tonight I am going to pick up my granddaughter from my ex-husband's house and bring her to my house for an overnight. Since she moved in with him I haven't seen her much. This is probably due to the fact that I did not want to get on the phone and call him. But I did that yesterday and it was fine. We talked for about a half hour.

I better head out of here for my run.. have a great Friday everyone.

"To me, AA is within the reach of every alcohohlic, because it can be achieved in any walk of life and because the achievement is not ours but God's. I feel that there is no situation too difficult, none too desperate, no unhappiness too great to be overcome in this great fellowship - Alcoholics Anonymous." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.) p. 395

New Shoes

Lacing up in the darkness, for a nice, early morning run.

But now I am off to church for my hour of silence. YAY.

"I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through, and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray. William D. Silkworth, MD" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxx

Pre-Dawn Run

What a glorious morning! I can't believe how wonderful it is to run on dry sidewalks and pavement. I have a meeting this morning at 8, so I needed to be out running long before it was light. It really was wonderful. The first mile is straight up hill, which is difficult, but the payoff is getting to the top, just as dawn is breaking on the plains past the Denver skyline - and I get to run one mile downhill, and then another couple up and down.

I really have to get to work. I am grateful to be an alive, sober, healthy, happy woman today.

"Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to twelfth-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 288

March forth on March sixth

Sorry to be using my March 4th joke today (lame as it is) but on the 4th I was a little bit too upset to even be thinking of a pun. Today I look out my window and see green grass, tulip leaves sprouting out of the ground, and buds on the trees. I went out and took pictures of both, but liked the starkness of the aspen branches against the morning sky. There are buds all over that tree! There is life after this long, long winter!

Yesterday, after much prayer, I finally met a person for lunch and had a conversation that I needed to have for a long time, but never could muster the strength to do it. After my misery on Sunday, I got the "courage" to take the action I needed to take. Today I woke up feeling lighter and free. Thank God for this program teaching me to take action and teaching me how to admit when I am wrong and quickly make amends. Also this program taught me that when I am feeling bad there is a reason for it and I better get to the bottom of it before that feeling bad turns into taking a drink. I am so grateful that I have a sponsor who helps me with sorting this stuff out before I take action. (I know I am being a bit cryptic here, I hope not too much so.)

So today is beautiful. I am on a new running schedule and this is not a running day, and I really regret it. I wish I was out there. I will be tomorrow.

I finalized my plans for my trip to Texas yesterday. I will be in touch with some Houstonians about that!

"How many of us would presume to declare, 'Well, I'm sober and I'm happy. What more can I want or do? I'm fine the way I am.' We know thst the price of such self-satisfaction is an inevitable back-slide, punctuated at some point by a very rude awakening. We have to grow or else deterioriate. For us, the status quo can only be for today, never for tomorrow. Change we must; we cannot stand still." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 25

A New Day

Yay. It is Monday. It is relatively warm outside (in the low thirties). I am going to get out and run as soon as it is light. And then I am going to go to work, where I can be productive and be in my little domain, my pretty office. Since it is warming up, I will wear a skirt and heels today, which always cheers me up. I just checked my PDA and it says "no appointments today," I LOVE it when that happens. I will go to the 5:30 meeting after work, Monday night is usually a huge and very good meeting.

I had a wee bit of a hard day yesterday. In all, it was a good day, but I had lots of stuff going around in my mind. Uncomfortable stuff. I talked to a lot of people. I needed to. I wrote about it here on my blog too. Today the discomfort has passed, Thank God. "This too shall pass" is a wonderful thing that we forget when we are in the middle of something, whether it is a gloriously pleasant thing or a horribly unpleasant thing... we tend to think everything is going to last forever, which it doesn't. So today is a new day and I am greatly looking forward to it, and grateful for it and whatever it may bring.

"As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. We were reborn." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Sunday Morning Fellowship

I just got home from breakfast, after a meeting of my old home group. It is the first time I have made it up there in 2007! I really needed to be there this morning. Once again, I sat and looked around the room at all of the people who I have known for so long. People who know my story from day 1. Day 1. It was my friend Janet's 27th birthday (yes, 27 years sober.) It was nice to see that everyone who shared talked about what a pain in the ass she is, how difficult to get along with she is, and some folks even called her a bitch. But no one denied that she is sober, has been for a long time, is an absolute miracle, and has helped a lot of people over the years. I am glad that we can talk like this to each other. I am really, really glad.

Yesterday I did run my 10 miles and it actually felt really good. I managed to have a full day after the run too, which was nice because the big runs tend to wipe me out. Maybe all this training is actually working.

Last night was my 6:30 a.m. group's monthly Night Watch. It was at Jack's house. Jack was celebrating 34 years of sobriety. A lot, a lot, a lot of people showed up at his house. It was a nice event. After that, I went over to someone else's house and he went out on a limb and told me that my cussing really detracts from my message at meetings. He also told me that I probably share a bit too much personal stuff in meetings. I told him that I appreciate him telling me this stuff, because that is what friends are for - especially friends in this fellowship. I would truly like to stop cussing because I cuss like a sailor and I think it IS detracting from my message. I would not, however, like to stop sharing personal stuff in meetings because I can't tell you how many times I have realized that it was the hand of God that had me say something that seemed maybe wacky in a meeting. Then I later find out that it was something someone else (usually a new woman) needed to hear. It is not about ME and sounding good, and looking good, and protecting my precious image... it is about carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. And furthermore, no one has to agree with me on this one. My sponsor does and that is all that matters to me.

But I felt bad. I really like the man who told me these things and I really respect him. I cried. I really cried. When I woke up this morning, I realized that I needed to drive across town and be with my "peeps". Thank God I got to sit with Thomas and Richard and Jim at breakfast. I asked them about this stuff, and then I listened. I have known them since I got sober. They have been sober longer than me, and I respect them. They, of course, think the guy who told me this stuff is full of s***. They wondered why he is so concerned with what I am doing in meetings... I know the answer to that, but it isn't important.

Anyway, as I sat there, I realized that part of the problem is the fact that my sobriety is bimodal. For my first ten years, I was pretty dysfunctional. I was staying sober, living from hand to mouth, living a pretty immoral life, not involved in my church, pretty difficult to get along with... hell, I was known to throw coffee at people in fits of rage at meetings, and as you know, I once beat up a clown for God's sake! BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, I did stay sober. And after about 10 years, 10 years of working the steps on an annual basis, my life really changed. I went back to school. I went back to church. I got a job that I still have. I went from being a punk to being a respected member of my community.

The people on THIS side of town know me only as the "respectable" woman they have never seen angry or in a rage. They have never known me to sleep around because I don't do that anymore. They have never known the unemployed, unemployable totally dysfunctional woman that I was. I think their expectations of me may be a little bit high.

And that is OK. They can learn how to deal with expectations. I am very clear on the fact that my feet are made of clay. I am fully fallible alcoholic! And I am sober by the Grace of God today. And for that I am grateful!

"We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women, desperately in need, will see these pages, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, 'Yes, I am one of them too; I must have this thing.'" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 29

The way you live

Last Friday at the meeting, I was reminded of some of the pithy little sayings some of those old (now deceased) guys used to have. So, here is one: "The way you live makes so much noise, no one can hear what you say." Here's another: "If you are feeling guilty, it's probably because you are." And another: "We alcoholics say we are people-pleasers, but we have not done a very good job of pleasing anyone but ourselves." OK. These are just some things I haven't heard for a while, and I remembered last week.

Last night a couple of very cool things happened. First of all, a sponsee celebrated 30 days. I got to give her the little red chip. Later, when I got home, I decided to call the newest sponsee because I haven't seen her or heard from her. I would generally not call, but I decided to last night. She was so glad I called because she is in Seattle, she got fired from her job, she doesn't have any phone numbers with her, is generally a mess - but is sober and going to meetings. And now she has my phone number with her!

I am going to head out of here and go to my Saturday Morning meeting - which I love - and then try to run 10 miles. I haven't run since Tuesday, and I have to say, I don't have my usual aches and pains this morning. But any runner knows that the pain just goes with the territory. I feel great this morning though and I am looking forward to getting out there and getting in the zone that is running.

Yesterday at work was a good, but very challenging day. I really can't talk about it here, but I wish I could. I did talk with Daave and Hayden for a while yesterday morning, which was really nice. I need to finalize my plans for my trip to Texas... Galveston for my nephew's wedding. But I am going to stay an extra day so that I can meet my friends in Houston. I am very excited about this.

"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 173

End of a Busy Week

This has been a good week, but it has also not been so good. I have been so busy, which is good. But I haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday, I haven't run since Tuesday, and I haven't tanned since Tuesday. There has just been too much to do to even squeeze these things into my schedule. I had planned to run this morning, but again, snow is falling. I will swim tonight after work and before the 5:30 meeting. Tomorrow will be my long run.

Yesterday was the 28th birthday of my twin daughters. It was a nice celebration. Last year my problem child showed up so high that her twin sister finally lost patience with her. It was a sad day because no matter what, those girls always stuck together. Yesterday she was not observably high and for that I am very grateful. She is 8th on a waiting list for rehab. I pray she gets into this program and stays in it. It is a 6 month program, and over the years in AA, I have seen many ladies who have gotten sober there.

Sitting in church for an hour was wonderful yesterday morning. My church sits on a hill which overlooks the front range of the rocky mountains. Yesterday was so beautiful. It was cold and windy and the snow was blowing. The streets were glare ice and it was quite a challenge to get there on time. But once I got there, walking into my beautiful church in the dark, with the snow lit by the moon, was really inspirational. The hour went so quickly. I am looking forward to doing this weekly for a year.

I really hope this snow stops. I need to get my running back on track.

"Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and he had given God the credit for having done it, and he's so grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it. That sentence, 'The Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep telling people about it,' has been sort of a golden text for the AA program and for me." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 191

Twelve Beads

I got these from my friend Gwen this week. They are not only beautiful and meaningful, but it was so loving of Gwen to take the time to make these and send them to me. I thank God for the wonderfully talented and giving people in this beautiful fellowship, like Gwen, the rest of you wonderful bloggers and all the people I have known through the years. I have not a doubt in my mind that I would not be sober without you all.

I have committed to a time slot at my church to sit in quiet prayer. For the next year, beginning this morning, I will be at my church from 5:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. each Thursday morning. I am so excited about this. I will, of course, be posting very early on Thursday mornings because I have to be out of here by 4:35.

Life sure does change if you stay sober, one day at time.

"We think it no concern of ours what religious bodies our members identify themselves with as individuals. This should be an entirely personal affair which each one decides for himself in the light of past associations, or his present choice. Not all of us join religious bodies, but most of us favor such memberships." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 28

My Big Book

This is the big book someone gave me at my first meeting on July 24, 1984. It is a 3rd edition. None of the pages are attached to the binding anymore. I love that book. If I could have a wish for everyone who comes to AA, it might be: May your big book fall apart, may all the pages be so highlighted and underlined that you are barely able to read them, may you have so many momentos of your sobriety tucked away in the book that it is difficult to close, may you treasure this book until the day you die - sober.

I don't need to tell you, but I will anyway: if you stick to that book, do what it says, and teach others to do what it says, you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams. A good life.

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It is snowing. I am actually relieved because I was planning to run this morning for the third day in a row which is hard on this old lady's body. The rest of my week is wacked! My daughters turn 28 tomorrow, so I am making dinner for them. They asked for pizza. Of all the things I can cook, they always ask for pizza. Oh well. It is good. I think I will make seviche for an appetizer. yummmmy.

Have a happy Wednesday everyone.

"I've seen this in the 'AA Grapevine' a lot of times, and I've had people say it to me personally, and I've heard people get up in meetings and make the same statement: The statement is, 'I came into AA solely for the purpose of sobriety, but it has been through AA that I have found God.' I feel that is about the most wonderful thing that a person can do." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.) p. 192

God's Mosaic

Last night when I got home from work and my 5:30 meeting, I had a phone message from my son-in-law. He and my daughter are no longer together. He has just gotten out of rehab - 3 months at the VA hospital. I am trying to be supportive of him without getting into the middle of the mess between he and my daughter, so actually I wasn't happy to see his number on my caller ID. I listened to his message, all about how great he feels and how good his life is today, and I sort of mentally rolled my eyes. You know the way someone with 90 days sounds... full of himself. Anyway, then he changed my mind about this when he said "my life is good, and a lot of it is because of you, thank you, I appreciate it."

At the meeting last night, I looked at the 3 new guys there who had raised their hands. I used to look at new guys with a lot of skepticism, I am now ashamed to say. But now I look and see someone's son or daughter, someone's wife or husband, someone's father or mother. Someone who would make a difference to their family and hosts of others in and out of AA, if only they could get sober.

I am humbled to get to be a part of this. I used to think I had to say something wise and wonderful. Now I realize that maybe all I need to do is smile. Maybe all I need to do is pat someone on the back, remember their name, and let them know that someone cares. Perhaps when I take another AA member out for a cup of coffee, a pizza, or a hot fudge sundae, I am doing 12 step work, even though it just feels like a social visit. Maybe God gets to use me this way. Maybe I get to be an example of living sober, with every breath I take. I find this very humbling. I can't believe that I get to be a piece, albeit a small one, of this mosaic of life. I am so grateful.

"Punishment never heals. Only love can heal." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 98
P.S. - why do I have to do word verification to publish this post?!?

Mahvellous Monday

I set my alarm this morning so that I could be sure to have time to do all that I like to do in the morning and also maybe get to work on time. I do not like waking to the sound of an alarm, but I need to get some discipline in my mornings. I normally get up whenever I wake up, make some coffee, sit down and read and pray for about a half hour, spend about an hour checking my e-mail, reading blogs, and posting on my blog, then most days I get out and run, and THEN, I get back home and start getting ready for work.

I bought a book about training for a marathon yesterday. I am going to take a step back in my mileage. I am also going to start running 4 days a week instead of 5. But I am going to be more disciplined about my runs, meaning I am not going to head out and run as long as I feel like running. I am going to head out with a plan and stick to it. So this morning, as soon as it is a little bit light out, I will run 3 miles.

Last night, I was watching the "red carpet" pre-awards show thing when Mr. Former Sweetie-Man called. We watched the show together and talked on the phone. We do this rather frequently. Anyway, I was so delighted as rail thin, after rail thin, after rail thin woman appeared on the red carpet, and he kept saying "she is too skinny," "she is too skinny," "she is nothing but skin and bones," etc.

With my half-marathon training in full swing, I will not be losing any more weight for a while. I need to accept this. I really had hoped to get down another size before summer, but that aint happenin'. I need to be OK with that. You cannot believe how hungry you can get when you are running 20 + miles a week.

I better get to it!

"Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill that immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 13

Sunday Afternoon

I didn't feel like writing this morning - or doing anything else for that matter. So, I went to a 6:30 a.m. meeting. I even felt disconnected at the meeting. Nothing made sense to me, and nothing was funny, even though everyone else was laughing uproariously (is that a word? apparently so, wordcheck likes it.) After the meeting, I talked with my friend Larry, who agreed that no one was making sense this morning. After talking to him I was relieved that I wasn't unique in my perceptions, and I also realized how profoundly tired I am.

So instead of running, I went down to the best book store in the Universe - The Tattered Cover. I spent an hour or so picking out and buying a couple of books I want to read. Then I came home and went for a leisurely bike ride instead of a run. I am now going to eat lunch, take a nap, and get ready to watch at least part of the Academy Awards.

A friend from the 5:30 meeting called me this morning just to tell me how much she admires the way I handle the stress of having a son at war. That was a wonderful affirmation. She is a sweetheart. The new woman who asked me to sponsor her last Sunday still hasn't called, but I have seen her at meetings and talked to her. She said that one day this week she felt that she just could not stand the stress in her life and that she HAD to drink. But then she said she thought about me, and realized that she does not HAVE to drink. She can stay sober. Wow. That really touched my heart. I guess there is a reason for all the sharing I do, even when I feel like everyone must be sick to death of hearing from me.

"The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.,) p. 553

So Grateful to be a Sober Member of Alcoholics Anonymous

Last night I went to the 45th anniversary of a group that is known as the Lions Club Meeting. That is not really the name of the group, but that is what everyone calls it because it is held at the Lions Club. When I walked in it felt like heaven because I saw so many faces I had not seen for a long time. I got to sit next to the man who took me to my first meeting. It was a podium call-up meeting, and being all old-timers, they all knew how to keep their remarks short to allow more people the opportunity to share. It was awesome. About half-way through the meeting, I turned to my friend, and said "well, I guess we are newcomers here - I hope they'll let us have some cake!" It was a wonderful feeling to feel like I am just a newcomer to the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought of how much our friend in Montana would have enjoyed the meeting. The few remaining old guys from Sho-Gro were there... and mostly they reminisced about the old guys who have passed. Dick S.'s wife shared that Feb. 22 would have been his 50th AA anniversary. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.

This morning, I went to my regular 6:30 a.m. meeting and saw a woman celebrate 5 years and another celebrate 10. I was grateful to be with young people who are having the same experience that the old folks were talking about last night. What a wonderful thing we keep passing from one drunk to another drunk... it keeps on going, and saving lives, and giving us a feeling of belonging, being loved, and accepted - many of us for the first time in our lives.

I woke up with a migraine this morning, I am going to eat some breakfast now and go back to bed. I hope I dream about the wonderful people in AA.

"There is no more 'aloneness' with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, (3rd ed.) p. 312

Friday!

It's Friday. It's going to be warm today for one last day before the next freaking snow storm. I intend to enjoy it. Even though I will be at work. I am doing better without the soda. Yesterday was really OK. The first day (Wednesday) was miserable.

I'm going out for a quick run now. Then to work. Then to either the 5:30 meeting on my way home from work or a meeting across town - depending on the weather. A group is celebrating its 40th anniversary tonight. I would dearly love to be there. It is one I attended regularly in my first couple of years of sobriety. Most of the old guys who used to be there are now gone to the big meeting in the sky, but there are still plenty of us 20-somethings, and 30-somethings to see. It was a Friday night speaker meeting, a whole lot of us would go there, and then head out for dinner. It was great fellowship. I am glad to report that I have found this same kind of fellowship at the 5:3o meeting I attend regularly now.

I am so grateful that I have had these years of sober experience. I have known and loved so many sober alcoholics. They have enriched my life in ways that I could not begin to describe. (oh, and last night my sober ex-husband - not the father of my children, but the one who now lives in Taiwan - sent me an e-mail with a picture of his current wife. whatever... we are weird people..)

"Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 145

life without soda

At work, trying to work, without my ever-present diet pepsi, diet dr. pepper, or other caffeinated, carbonated beverage. I am giving it up for lent. This is killing me!!!!

My presentations went well yesterday. The results are out of my hands, but I feel good about my part, and I am fine with that. I talked about this to one of my committees yesterday and they acted like they never heard such a concept. I guess in AA we get so used to living a certain way, we think everyone else does too.

Sponsee came over last night and we read about 1/4 of the Doctor's Opinion. That is some powerful stuff, especially when reading it with someone who has never read it before. I could see the lightbulb coming on across the dining room table. I love this!

"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 89

Ash Wednesday

I am very excited about going to church this morning and getting my ashes. I don't know exactly why I love Ash Wednesday so much, but I do.
At 9:30 I have to give two presentations - annual reports of committees I chair. I have recommendations from both of the committees and I pray that I can present them in such a way to convince the powers that be that we need to take action. Most likely I will not be able to do this though. I have been through this enough times to realize that I will be asked to go back to my committees and do more study, get more facts, etc. I hate to go back and tell them I was not successful. They never see it as my lack of success though. Thank God for the wonderfully supportive people with whom I work.

Tonight my new (but not newest) sponsee will come over and we will start our journey through the big book. I hope she will follow through with all twelve steps and the whole book. It usually takes close to a year. It is a wonderful process and it will be good for me.

Thanks to that bearded gentleman from the Big Sky Country for sharing this with me - back in the day when it seemed no one else could help. The day I beat up a clown. Yes, I really beat up a clown, and he weighed 300 lbs. Sitting around a table at an AA clubhouse, he called me a name I could not accept. I had close to 5 years of sobriety then, but I went into a rage blackout and attacked the clown. My friend pulled me off the clown, and unfortunately, I broke my friend's watch - and I hurt the 300 lb. clown. And surprisingly, the Club threw the clown out, but not me, which really shocked me. Was I ready to do a First Step on a more profound level that day? Yeah. And did God see fit to put my friend in my life to take my through the big book in a way I had never been before? (Even though I had been through the steps several times before then.) Yeah. I really credit that experience, as awful as it was, for saving my life. And yes, the clown did make amends to me, and I made amends to him, and when we see each other at meetings or funerals today, we warmly hug each other. There IS recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous.

So today, instead of being an angry lunatic hanging out at an AA clubhouse, I am on my way to church, then I will head off to my office, give a couple of presentations, and then at the end of the day I will head home - meet a newly sober woman in AA and share what my friend shared with me. Wow! I LOVE sobriety!

AND I got an e-mail from my son today!

"Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill that immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 13

Tuesday Predawn

I am grateful to be going back to work this morning. I am grateful that the streets and sidewalks are clear enough to get out and run now. I am only going to run 2 to 3 miles this morning. I have been so tired, I am afraid I am overtraining.

Peter's 5th birthday was wonderful last night. Every seat in the room was full, and there were numerous people standing. The roar of the laughter and even the Serenity and Lord's Prayers was wonderful! With that many people, even praying is loud! Due to the crappy weather, I have not been on that side of town for a while - it was great to see so many of my old friends. At one point, I looked around the room and counted at least 6 people who were there when I got there... 22 and a half years ago. They are still sober and so am I. Peter is a wonderful man who has always been serious about his sobriety. He takes a meeting to a prison once a week and he always talks about this as the highlight of his week. I am so blessed to have people like Peter in my life.

"We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 132

Sponsorship

I may not work out as a sponsor for this new woman. She called yesterday morning and said she was having a breakdown and going to the doctor. She called after seeing the doctor and taking the medications the doc prescribed. Xanax for anxiety. hmmm. Well, my limitation here is that I am not a drug addict. I have no clue about whether this woman has anxiety - who doesn't with less than 2 weeks of sobriety? or whether she is drug seeking, or what the hell she is doing. I just told her that if she was up all night, I sure didn't see her at the 6:30 a.m. meeting. That maybe she could try running to a meeting, or to prayer instead of to a pill bottle. I keep thinking about the fact that her last "slip" was on prescription medications.

I am faced with my limitation in sponsoring her. I know about drinking and I know that I can't drink at all. Period. I work at a psychiatric hospital, and I know for sure that some people NEED psychotropic medications. I am the last person to tell someone that they shouldn't take something their doctor prescribed. But, with this woman? Maybe that is what someone should be telling her, but it probably isn't me.

At the 5:30 meeting last night, a woman with 20 days who doesn't believe in God asked me to sponsor her. And for some reason, I said yes. I don't know why I am suddenly attracting these women, but there must be a reason.

Today is my friend Peter's 5th AA birthday. Peter is the other shadow in my profile photo. I will drive up to my old homegroup tonight for his birthday meeting. Thank God for the people who are serious about this program and stay sober.

"Today I practice being just another alcoholic in the worldwide Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous." -- Daily Reflections, p.58

Peaceful Sunday

I think I sounded somewhat manic in my post yesterday. Believe me, I am not manic. I am just a bit of an overachiever. I had a lot planned yesterday because I wanted to have a day of rest today... and sure enough, I have a day of rest today. I painted my bathroom a very pale blue/green (after I ran 7 miles and met with my new sponsee) . It is pretty. I bought new towels - I think it looks nice.

My ex-husband got an e-mail from my son yesterday. He has been working every single day and hasn't had a moment to himself. He said he will call everyone this week. I miss him so much. I try not to worry, but I am a mom, and he is at war, and frankly I would be a little bit nuts if I didn't worry some. I just try not to let it consume my life.

Today as I was getting ready for the 6:30 a.m. meeting, I thought about my first sponsor. She met her husband and moved to England 10 years ago. Her husband is a drinker, and after a few years, my friend became a drinker again too. Let me be quick to add that she stopped attending meetings long before this. We are not in contact very much anymore. The last time I talked to her, she said she was going to quit drinking, because she had just had a heart attack. I can tell from the couple of e-mails I have gotten from her, that she has not been successful at quitting drinking. But when I spoke with her, she told me that she really started drinking heavily when her son was in Iraq. I am so grateful that instead of drinking, I have become even more involved in AA and everything I am supposed to be doing to maintain some semblance of sanity... and it is working. I will be forever grateful to my friend because she twelve stepped me through my first couple of months of sobriety. I am so sad about her and I pray for her. God Bless all of Us Alcoholics. What a dreadful disease we have. But by the Grace of a Loving God, we get to live good lives when we surrender...

"When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100

Saturday Morning

Normally on a Saturday morning, I feel free and happy. This morning I just feel pressure. It feels like I have too much to do. This morning I am going to go to a 6:30 meeting, and then get my Saturday morning run in. These are a couple of the highlights of my week. Then, I want to go to Macy's and see if I can get a set of towels that will look good with the color of paint I have tentatively chosen for my bathroom... if I can, I will buy them and then go to Lowe's and purchase paint. My new sponsee wants to get together today to talk about her first step... I told her I would find an hour for her. My house needs some basic dusting and vacuuming before I start painting. I will need a nap somewhere in there because I have been awake since 3 a.m., and then I have church at 5:00 p.m. Then begins the Sabbath, and I really try to rest on Sunday. --- as you can see, something's got to give in this plan, and I am not clear yet what it is... I bet by the time I go to my meeting and run for an hour, I will know what it is (but the meeting and the run are the non-negotiables.)

I have not heard from my son now for nearly a month. It will be four weeks on Monday. It has been a long four weeks. I hope I will hear from him this weekend.

"When the newcomer approached the oldtimer, envying his accomplishments and many years of sobriety, the oldtimer slapped down his hand like a gavel and said, 'I'll trade you even! My thirty years for your thirty days - right now!' He knew what the newcomer had yet to find out: that true happiness is found in the journey, not the destination." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 511

Now Wind

Gusts of 100 miles per hour. All night long. It is hard to sleep through that, but I did sleep most of the night.

Yesterday morning on the way out of here to the gym, I first fell down the stairs - which I deserved for walking around without any lights on, and fortunately I did not get hurt. Then I realized my iPod was dead, and I am not running without my iPod. So, I went to a 6:30 a.m. AA meeting instead. It was wonderful. The roads were so bad, there were only like 6 people there, and it was a really good meeting. After work, I went to the gym for a quick 3 mile run, and then to my 5:30 meeting, with hair dripping sweat - sweet! It was also a good meeting. I was happy to see my new sponsee there because she is not going to very many meetings.

It is Friday. It is a three day weekend. I might paint my bathroom this weekend. And then again, I might not.

I am running late, I better get out of here.

"The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 61

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Makes a person feel dull and uninspired. I have had it with snow, ice, clouds, temperatures in the single digits, and not being able to step outside in the morning and start running. And here it is Thursday and I can't decide what picture to post because I have taken a bunch, but I am not in love with any of them.

I am going to drive to the gym and run on the dreadmill. Then I will come home and prepare to go to work. It has been a hard week at work.

Here's my picture - I took it last night. It is a boring written 10th step inventory. I do it at night as I go to bed.
My prayer for today? Please God, Please, let this weather end soon. I need to be outside in your sunshine. I need to run and breathe and thank you for my health and fresh air. I need to exult in your creation. Thank you.

"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afriad? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? We we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

Happy Valentine's Day

Here is a picture I took last spring of a rose bush I had just purchased. The same bush is buried under the frozen tundra that is my back yard today, but I know there is life there and there will be fresh roses again.

At work we give each other flowers on Valentine's Day. I feel like a child, I await those flowers and I read each word on the cards, I really cherish them. I dislike not having a sweetheart on Valentine's Day, but it is OK.

"From experience, I've realized that I cannot go back and make a brand-new start. But through AA, I can start from now and make a brand-new end." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (4th ed.), p. 457
***late addendum***
For some reason, today after I read a comment from the guy from the Big Sky, I remembered a Valentine's Day long ago. I was at a meeting, crying because I didn't have a sweetie and didn't get any gifts for Valentine's Day. I didn't notice Denny B. get up and leave the meeting, but I sure did notice when he came back a few minutes later with a box of chocolates and a big heart shaped balloon. For me. I cried because it meant so much to me. Denny is now in the big meeting in the sky, and hopefully I am not so self-centered anymore. But I so cherish these memories. My life is full of sober memories. Memories of the wonderful souls in Alcoholics Anonymous. Can't hardly get any better than that!

Freezing Rain, Fog, Snow...

Another day to remember next summer when I think it is too hot, too sunny, too bright, too comfy.

Sponsoring a new person in AA is really an amazing experience. I haven't sponsored anyone in their first weeks or months in a couple of years. It is amazing how many major mood changes can occur in a day! I am so grateful that I am not there anymore, and I am grateful for the reminder, and I am grateful to have this young woman in my life. Tonight a sponsee with 11 years comes over, and we are very comfortable with each other, I have been her sponsor for years. Tomorrow night, my new sponsee is scheduled to come over. This should be interesting. I am grateful to a loving God for what he has provided.

I better get a move on. There is big stuff going on at work, I need to be there on time, and the roads are covered with a sheet of ice. This should be interesting.

"Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 97

Monday Morning

It's a warm Monday Morning and I am looking forward to getting out for a quick 3 mile run before work. That 13.1 mile run on Saturday really wiped me out for the weekend. I was grateful that I had nothing planned, so I really just kicked back, which was nice.

Yesterday I was out on my front lawn redistributing snow - so it would melt faster - and a neighbor came over and started talking to me about my church. She has decided to go back to church and wanted to talk to me about it, which was nice. She told me she had not been confirmed as a child and wants to be confirmed. Then, she really shocked me, and asked me if I would be her sponsor for confirmation! What a wonderful honor, I am thrilled. And somewhat encouraged - my behavior around the neighborhood must be OK, which is very important to me.

It is important to me because I feel that as a sober person, I have a responsibility to be a good neighbor, a good worker, and good driver, and generally a good person of my community. We have probably all heard at meetings "we may be the only big book another person ever sees," and I have had experiences where I have been identified as an AA member without even realizing it at the time. As a person who has attended AA meetings all over this city, nearly every day, for over 22 years, I have been seen at lots of meetings, and I am not likely to remember every person who has ever seen me at a meeting. It is important that I not act like a jackass (which comes so naturally to me) and instead realize that I may be acting as an Ambassador of AA. And what an honor that is!

"In AA, and in many religious approaches, alcoholics find a great deal more of what they merely glimpsed and felt while trying to grope their way toward God in alcohol." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 323

500th Post

This is my 500th post on this blog. And to think I started this blog just to communicate with one blogger - I wanted to talk about AA and my alcoholism - and didn't want to do that on my "other" blog. I intended to delete this blog in a day or two but instead I just kept going... and going... and going.... And, I have posted on my "other" blog only once in the last year. And this blog and the wonderful people I have met (some in person, some on the phone, and some only through e-mails, their blogs and comments) means more to me than words can say.

Yesterday I got to Clement Park and started to run, and I felt like crap. But I kept going... and going... and going... and I ran 13.1 miles!!!!! The distance of a half-marathon!!! I was slow, my average pace was over 11 minutes per mile, but I did it. I smiled when other runners would sprint past me on their one, two, or three mile runs... and thought: you go ahead, I am 55 years old, and I am going to run 13.1 miles today. In the last 10th of a mile, I had an emotional breakdown of sorts and just sobbed - and I didn't care who saw me. God is so good to me. I cannot believe the life I have today.

On July 24, 1984, I went to my first AA meeting. I desperately wanted to quit drinking, but I wasn't sure I wanted what you all had. I thought everyone was being phony and acting happy in order to impress ME (because it is all about me). But I kept going... and going... and going... and I realized that they were not acting, and soon I became one of those "phony" happy alcoholics and I still am! Today, 22 and a half years later, I realize that without AA and my sobriety, I would have nothing. Nothing. I would probably not be alive, and if I were, I would probably be an old hag at the bar with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, and with flesh that is years past being lovely on full display... trying to pick up young men.

Thanks to a loving God and Alcoholics Anonymous, today I am someone who can hold her head up in the world. I can go to church and not be concerned about the roof's integrity. I can go to work and be a "worker among workers", I can be a neighbor in my neighborhood, and I can be an AA member and a sponsor and a sponsee. These are the things I value and none of this is anything that I even aspired to!

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

Which ones? Hungry, not really. But I suddenly do want a whole boat load of sugar, because I had increased sugar intake for a couple of weeks and now I am cravey. It will pass.
Angry? nope.
Lonely? yes and no. I always want more attention than a person could ever need, but when it comes to actual invitations and real social occassions, I tend to pass, which leads me to the next item:
Tired: Yes. I am tired. I have a bit of insomnia, which is normal for me. But this bone-weary tiredness is not a bit normal for me. I hope to get restored this weekend.

These are things that a recovering alcoholic should avoid. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired... its acronym is HALT, which is appropriate. We need to stop when we are getting too any of these.

I am heading out of here this morning for a 6:30 meeting, followed by a run. I was hoping to get a long run in this morning. But I was out too late last night and only got a few hours of sleep. I want to see how far I can run, but I don't want to push it. I am so grateful it is Saturday, I can come home and take a nice long winter's nap.

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

Inspired but tired.

I went back to bed this morning and slept until after 7. That is just crazy. I don't know how I can be this tired. I didn't run this morning or yesterday morning. And that is OK. Tomorrow I will have a long weekend run. Today I get to wear a new sweater! My daughter and I went shopping at lunch time and bought a bunch of stuff at ridiculously low prices! I love it when that happens! And when your favorite color is green, you can frequently find clothing of your favorite color on the CLEARANCE RACK! Imagine!

Last night I was reminded again how wrong I can be. At the 5:30 meeting, I was trying my best to ignore whispering between a man I am interested in (that I have deliberately not talked about in my blog) and a woman sitting next to him. It was really pissing me off. (Yes, I do have green eyes, and a teensy bit of the green eyed monster.) I am grateful I didn't shoot them any dirty looks or do anything else inappropriate. After the meeting, I saw them talking, he nodded towards me, and she came over and told me she has six days sober, wants to work the steps, and needs a sponsor. Of course I will be her sponsor! I haven't sponsored anyone that new in years. It will be good for me.

I still have not heard from my son. This is a real "where the rubber hits the road" experience. I can talk all I want about letting go, trusting God, turning my thoughts to others, etc., but this is where the truth is borne out. I have some real shakey moments, where I feel like I am about to dissolve. I am so grateful that I have years of sober living to draw on. I really think we can draw on the experiences and know that we will be OK.

"Today my life is filled with miracles big and small, not one of which would ever have come to pass had I not found the door of Alcoholics Anonymous." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (4th ed.), p. 475

new hAAt

I got this hat for being one of the first couple hundred people to register for this marathon. I think the hat is very cool. You can see from the picture that I am very very tired. I really am very very tired. Yesterday was a long day. Lots of work, lots of trying to let go of worrying about young men and women dying in helicopters. Let me just say that I respect my son and his adult decision to do what he is doing. He is truly doing what he wants to do. He may be "my baby boy", but I am keenly aware that he is a man. A grown man who I respect and love with all my heart. You cannot keep the people you love (particularly menfolk) safe. If it were up to mothers, all sons would be librarians, but not all men should be librarians. I so appreciate your prayers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

"Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 181

Waiting for daylight

I want to get out there and hit the pavement and run, run, run. Real pavement. Real concrete sidewalks! A lot of the snow has melted since it has been so warm, and I am so grateful for regular things like dry streets and sidewalks. There are still dirty piles of snow everywhere, but they are melting.

Oh Lord of Mercy, I just heard there is another helicopter down in Bagdhad. I don't know how I can possibly not hear this stuff. I have tried to insulate myself so that I don't have the feelings I have right now. Sheer and utter terror. I will walk through it... Well, maybe I will run through it. (for anyone who doesn't know, my son is in the middle of a deployment to Iraq, where he flies a helicopter.) I am getting lots of practice at letting go and trusting God.

"Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85-86

Crime Scene Photo

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I made a teeny snowman on Sunday afternoon, but it turns out its life was very short.

I don't know who did it! But I have an idea it was Mr. Sunshine. (my very funny daughter did the chalk outlines and called me outside to see it.)

Today I am going to try developing a better habit for the mornings I run. I am going to get up at 4:00, do all my reading, prayer, coffee, blogging, making breakfast, etc., and THEN go out for a run as soon as it is light out. Perhaps then I can get my run in (which seems to be my priority) AND get to work on time (which SHOULD be my priority.)

I didn't go to work yesterday because of my "stomach issues". I stayed in bed all day long and read half a book. Then I went to the tanning salon and a 5:30 meeting. I was sick, but I think I mostly I needed some serious down-time.

We are having some wonderfully warm weather. It is wonderful to see things come out from under the snow. There is still plenty of snow, but it is melting. I am greatly looking forward to my run this morning, it is already 48 degrees outside at 5:00 a.m.

"True leadership, we find, depends upon able example and not upon vain displays of power or glory." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

140 Proof

The folks on TV are talking about the "new" phenomena of people drinking hand sanitizer! It is 140 proof, and they are wondering WHY anyone would drink this horrible tasting and dangerous stuff! Why do alcoholics do anything they do? To non-alcoholic, sane people, it is beyond understanding I guess.

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. on both Saturday and Sunday mornings. On Sunday, I went through the day with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt. It made for a long day, especially with a football game that was disappointing (to me), rambunctious grandchildren, and a daughter who likes to talk a lot and makes not much sense - but appears to be clean for the moment! But today? when I need to get to work? I slept until 7:00. I seem to be having some stomach issues this morning (details are being left out in consideration of my friends who read this) so I will proceed with my bath and getting dressed, but if this doesn't clear, I am not going to work.

I am glad this is a planned day off from running. Yesterday I ran five miles through not only snow and ice, but now because of the warm weather - we have puddles! Big honking puddles. My feet were soaked by the time I was done yesterday. The weather forecast for the week is warm weather, followed by SNOW on Friday. Please God, let this snow melt before we get more.

"the most compelling part of AA, the part that made me want to try this sober thing, was the laughter, the pure joy of the laughter that I heard only from sober alcoholics." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 333

Sunday Morning

Night watch was wonderful last night. Before we went to Night Watch, we went to a 5:30 meeting. There was a drunk man there who is about to lose one or both of his feet from frostbite. He is homeless and fell asleep in a snowbank. Although he is homeless and beat up, I could see a young man under that filth, beard, and hair. I hope to God that he can recover. Last night he really wanted to. Two of the men took him to the hospital. I will be praying for him, and thanking God for men like the ones who took the time to load him into their car and care for him.

I am so grateful for the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yesterday morning at the 6:30 meeting, I recalled a time in sobriety when I had a health scare. I drove straight from the doctor's office to church. As I sat in the church, I was planning my funeral! I was thinking the AA people would take about half the church, my work friends the other, and I decided they really needed more seating to contain all the people who would turn out to mourn my passing!!! (oh the grandiosity of alcoholics sometimes.) Then I recalled a time when I was 21 years old. In the ravages of alcoholism. I had decided to kill myself. I was writing a suicide note. What stopped me from carrying through my plan? When I realized that my body would not be found until my rent was late enough for my landlord to come into my apartment. What a dreadful thought. It still makes me shudder to think of that kind of aloneness, the aloneness that results from a life where you hurt everyone who loves you. What a difference a few years and being sober makes. Thank you God.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49

Saturday Morning

Well, here it is again, my favorite time of the week. Saturday morning, when all of the weekend is stretched out ahead of me, looking like a blank slate full of endless possibilities. Today is packed with planned activities. Tonight is my 6:30 a.m. group's monthly night watch potluck dinner. It is at Robert's house... he had a party on December 28, and no one came because of severe weather. Tonight, we should all pile over there. I am greatly looking forward to it. I think I will bake a chocolate cake, because I usually make a pie (I hate to be predictable and boring), and because I don't particularly like chocolate cake... but others tell me mine is great. Update*** The dang cake fell!!! It is concave. I am too lazy to make anything else, so I guess I will bring it, but this may RUIN my baker's reputation... and of course, there is a MAN I try to impress... he always goes straight to whatever I bring... He asks "What did you bring MC?" and I tell him... regardless of what it is, he eats it first... cheesecake, apple pie, it matters not. It brings me great amounts of secret joy! What will he do when it is a concave chocolate cake?

I thought I would be forced to use the dreadmill at the gym this morning. However, it was 20 degrees at 5:00 a.m., so by 8 or so when I go out to run, it should be nice enough to run outdoors! Yay! Another update *** I ran 6.2 miles outdoors today, it was GLORIOUS!

Tomorrow there is a big football game to watch. I have a preference about who wins, so it should be fun to watch. The party that someone got manipulated into saying they would have never materialized, so it looks like I will be at home for the game... that is OK. I LOVE PRINCE and cannot wait to see what he does at half time. Update No.3 *** My daughter and granddaughters are coming over.... I shall see who else I can recruit!
"God willing, we members of AA may never again have to deal with drinking, but we have to deal with sobriety every day. How do we do it? By learning - through practicing the Twelve Steps and through sharing at meetings - how to cope with the problems that we looked to booze to solve, back in our drinking days." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, (4th ed.) p. 559

Four things...

Shannon tagged me for 4 things about me:
Four Jobs I have Had In My Life: Insurance Broker, Medical Records Director, Cleaning Woman, Roofer.

Four movies I would watch over and over: Johnny Dangerously, Miss Congeniality, Fargo, Anything with Johnny Depp in it.

Four places I have lived: Mt. Prospect, IL, Pittsburgh, PA, Abbotsford, BC, Sedro Woolley, WA

Four TV shows I love to watch: Larry King Live, This Week with Geo. Stephanopolis, House, Seinfeld

Four places I have been on vacation: Vancouver Island, BC, East Hampton, NY, Key Largo, FL, Tucson, AZ

My favorite foods: Sushi, yogurt, cheesecake, steak

Four places I would rather be: A warm beach. Anywhere, well, anywhere clean.

Four people that you expect to answer this: I will make this voluntary, any takers?

Friday Morning

Here is the hematoma I got from donating blood yesterday. My daughter was sitting in the chair next to mine, about to donate blood for the first time, so I couldn't act like a baby when I saw this mess forming on my arm.

I am usually the first of my neighbors to shovel my snow, but this morning I see that my driveway and sidewalk are an anomaly in the 'hood - covered with snow, tire tracks , and foot prints, while everyone else has shoveled. I will shovel it on the way out of here this morning. I am SO DONE with this weather. We are expecting a high temperature of 7 degrees today! And my office is freezing. I am bringing a shawl to work every day. I look like a refugee of some sort.

I remember winter hangover mornings in Chicago. After finding my car, trying to scrape the ice off while trying not to vomit. I guess shoveling a bit of snow before pulling my clean car out of the garage isn't so bad.

"When I look back now, I think I stopped maturing at fifteen when I started to get drunk with the older guys. I wanted to feel at peace with myself and comfortable with other people. I never found it in drinking. The belonging I always wanted I have found in AA and in sobriety. I don't think about drinking. God is there. My sponsor is there. All the credit belongs to God. On my own I could not have quit. I know, I tried it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 485 (4th ed.)

uh oh

These are not the legs of a Russian Weight Lifter. They are the legs of one Mary Christine. I think this is frightening. But I guess it beats flab... I guess.

I logged 90 miles in January, which I am thrilled about. I never ever thought I could run 90 miles in one month. I also registered for another half-marathon yesterday. This one is the Denver Marathon which is in October. Maybe by October, I will have recovered from the Colorado Colfax half-marathon in May, and the two triathlons in July and August.

I am donating blood at 10:30 this morning. I talked my daughter into joining me. I am a bad donor, I am squeamish, and half the time I feel sick afterwards... but they really really need blood due to the weather of the last month.

"The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 87