Sunday, September 09, 2007

Morning After

I am going to my old home group this morning... Called the Morning After group. We/They meet at 7:30 a.m., each day. It is about 25 miles from here, so I don't go all that often - although I used to go every weekend. In the insanity of the intense winter weather we had last year, I got out of the habit of driving across town to a meeting.

This morning, I need to go somewhere that people love me. Somewhere that I am sure to run into a few people who have known me since my first day of sobriety, July 24, 1984. Sort of like a chicken noodle soup and jello kind of meeting. Not that it is a "gentle" group, it is certainly not that. It is a bunch of rough and tumble truckers and bikers and some executives and business owners, a jeweler, a landscaper, and a bunch of people who do God-alone-knows what. They are rough around the edges and there is a lot of colorful language used there. But it is where I belong this morning.

Yesterday was a hard day. I cried until I was sick. I cried until I had one of the worst headaches of my life. I was actually hanging over the toilet bowl, hoping to vomit - somehow I had forgotten to eat all day and I was very sick to my stomach... I didn't throw up though. By the end of the day, I felt like I had a terrible, terrible hangover. A person is not meant to cry that much, I am sure of that. I went to church last night and cried for an hour and a half there. I used an entire packet of kleenex just at church. I am not going to get into the specifics of what happened, but I will tell you not to worry about me or my family - we are fine. I was just hurt over something.... something a reasonably astute reader might be able to speculate about.

The good news? I didn't drink. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to take my own life. I didn't want to take the life of another. I don't owe anyone an amends. I didn't say anything cruel to another person. I am not angry, I am not growing a resentment. I was just hurt. And thank God today I can identify that feeling and feel it.

They say "feeling is healing" but I know that I can take this to extremes and go right off the deep end... I need to move on and have a productive day. I cannot wallow in this. I am going to the meeting this morning, then to my favorite farmers market to get the stuff I need for a day of making salsa. This place is going to smell heavenly in a couple of hours.

"When ready, we say something like this: ' My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.' We have then completed Step Seven." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

9 comments:

dAAve said...

God blessed you.

Ann P. said...

Mary Christine, I'm really sorry your heart is hurting today.
AA love and (((((hugs))))).

Pam said...

double stuff oreos and milk....lots of them. I find this helps. Aren't we lucky to have our beautiful program peers when lifes' pains hit us? I'm so glad that you have loving arms to go wallow in this morning. You need some lovin', please stick close to those people who will give you lots of it.
Pam

Barbra said...

Sounds like to attended the correct meeting this am. I hope it was very helpful. I remember when I would suffer for days.. now at least I can recognize the problem sooner... me! And the best thing... we don't have to drink over it!

Kathy Lynne said...

I am sorry for your pain but I am grateful that you got past it. That to me is the amazing part of sobriety. I like the sound of your morning group. Straight edge. Tough love. But love nonetheless.

Enjoy the salsa. I can smell it this side of the Mississippi:)

Anonymous said...

Mary Christine, I'm glad to read that you're feeling better today.

Have a peaceful Sunday.

Willa

Scott W said...

Blessed to have the program of AA--yep.

Blessed to have a loving Higher Power to watch over you--yep.

Blessed your readers with your honesty--yep.

Thanks--yep!

Christine said...

I am so sorry you hurt so

AAwoken said...

I remember some mornings when the cold porcelain of the toilet was actually comforting. Sad huh?