Tuesday, July 22, 2008

24 Years Ago...

On July 22, it was the 2nd to the last day of my drinking.  I was miserable.  I kept a journal for about a year and a half before I got sober, so I had a journal entry the day I called AA, and I wrote in my journal as soon as I got home from my first meeting.  That journal was so precious to me, I put it in a very special place a few years ago, and have not seen it since. 

I resurrected my search for it this morning.  I still can't find it.  I did however find the journal from the year before.  On this date in 1983 I wrote this:

"This past year of isolation and loneliness has not been good at all for me.  I feel about the looniest I have in a long time.  I'm so depressed and full of hate.  So K. picks this time to assert his independence.  He hasn't been home at night for a week.  He's been to bars, golfing, bullshitting in parking lots - anywhere but here - with the bitch.  
So, I'll drink my beer, and write my stupidness and live another day on this earth.  Why couldn't I have been born a normal person?  Why have I become this person I don't like?  I used to really like myself - but now - what is there to like?  I just cook, clean, drink, and scream.  What a way to go. .."

Wow.  How I remember those feelings.  I knew there was something drastically wrong with me, and I knew drinking was a part of it, but I had no idea that drinking WAS THE PROBLEM.  

I am so grateful that I have not written anything like that for very many years.  I am so grateful that I have found a way of life where I can find gratitude, where I can take responsibility for the things I can, and not take responsibility for the things I can't.  I am so grateful that I have a life with God at the center.  

11 comments:

Scott W said...

We are different--with so much to be grateful for.

Sunshine said...

That is so AWESOME and I'm so glad I stopped by on your re-Birthday!!! Congradulations on 24 years! What a difference sobriety can make! Always good to read you! lots of love!
Lex-Sunshine

Syd said...

It's hard for me to imagine you as you were then. Glad that you are how you are now.

Lou said...

How powerful to read our thoughts from so long ago. Time and God truly heals the wounds.

Great post.

♥Shann♥ said...

OOH I hope you find it. I still have my journal from my first year of sobriety and I look back it and am proud of that gurl! thanks for sharing pieces of you with us. Have a great Tuesday

Kathy Lynne said...

I remember

Zane-nawwaa said...

Sounds like you really use your
New Pair Of Glasses.

Pam said...

Have you noticed that sometimes when we read old journals that it doesn't even sound like us at all? Usually I just think "what the hell was I thinking?"
I'm so glad that you weren't born a normal person....normal people kinda give me the heebie jeebies.

AlkySeltzer said...

HOLY S**T...I kept a journal for the first year, usually add a page on anniversary dates--well, no, I do NOT have 34 pages.

Point is, almost everyone here thinks it was a loony idea, so I do not talk much about it. BUT, it sure is handy when I'm giving a talk, and my forgetter is in 100% operational mode.

How REFRESHING to learn that some of my favorite bloggers had--or were told to have--the same "looney" idea.

Thanks for the memories, MC. I'm falling in love with the REAL AA again!
Steve E.

Scott said...

I love to reflect back on where I have come from...

dAAve said...

The excitement for you is building in Houston and all along the Gulf Coast.