After 2 years and 8 months, and nearly 1000 posts, I have decided to change the name of my blog. My heart skipped a beat or two as I did it. I think it will be OK. I am way more attached to my blog than I probably should be.
Someone else has taken the name "Anonymous Alcoholic." That is OK. But it has caused a bit of confusion. So, being a person who has "ceased fighting anything or anyone..." I am going to give up my name.
Lest you think I am entirely virtuous about this - I am not. I have had mixed feelings from the very beginning about using the name "Anonymous Alcoholic." It sounded arrogant to me, like I was THE one and only. My blog came up on searches for real AA stuff and I never felt comfortable with that.
Perhaps the name "One Sober Alcoholic" will more accurately describe the contents and context of my blog. My blog is simply me, as a recovering alcoholic, writing about my life, day in and day out. And in case you haven't been here before, or haven't been here for long, let me recap:
I drank nearly every day for 18 years of my life. From the time I was 14 until I was 32. From 20 to 32 it was definitely every single day of my life - with the exception of my pregnancies - thank you God! And I guess I was in such a hurry to get back to drinking, that in my pregnancies, I was 3 for 2, having one son and twin daughters. I wanted desperately to quit drinking for the last 3 years of my drinking. Prior to then I knew I had a problem, in fact, I knew I was an alcoholic, but I thought I could manage it or quit if I ever needed to. When I needed to I was absolutely unable to do so. And I thank God for that experience.
In the course of my drinking years, there are many stories. Some are funny. Some are adventurous. Some are dreadful. Some caused me terrible shame. Mostly I hurt other people by being a tornado ripping through their lives, and I didn't even know it. When I got sober, I did what so many of us do - I thought I mainly hurt myself and that my biggest amends would be to myself! ha! The big book says that we cannot tell the true from the false, and that is a shining example right there.
By the Grace of God, I found my way to Alcoholics Anonymous on July 24, 1984 and have not had a drink since then. In those years I have done nearly everything you are not supposed to do. I didn't listen to sponsors. I listened to boyfriends. I had every higher power but the One I have now. I dated a man who drank - for my first year and a half of sobriety. The list is far too long to detail here, but I am sure you get the idea. I am also grateful for these experiences, because they show me that it is not through my great WORK that I have stayed sober. I am sober by the Grace of a Loving God, and I know it.
That said, I did do work. I never stopped going to meetings. I got active in AA service. I worked and continue to work steps. I helped and continue to help others work steps. This to me is merely cooperation with God's plan for me to stay sober. If I could produce sobriety, I would have done it years before I created the wreckage I left in my wake!
My early sobriety was a mess. I swear, it took me 10 years just to detox. At 10 years of sobriety, I felt like Dorothy when the tornado finally let go of her house and she was dropped into Oz, a land that was in technicolor. I was able to get a job at a facility where I still work today. I was able to go to school and get my bachelor's and master's degrees. I got many promotions at work. I bought a little house where I planted little flowers and get to watch them come up every spring. My children grew up and I have two granddaughters. I am part of my neighborhood, my church, my AA group, my workplace, my community, my world. I belong here and I am responsible for that!
Now that I am not 'Anonymous Alcoholic', I will tell you that my spiritual journey through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous brought me back to the Church of my youth. When I got to AA, I called myself a "recovering Catholic." ha ha. Maybe I didn't realize how true that was. Because now being a Roman Catholic woman is who I am. The restoration of that is one of the hugest things that has happened in my life.
So right now.. I sit at my little desk, with my little computer, being grateful for where God and Alcoholics Anonymous have brought me. I am training to run a marathon in June. I am completing my first year of a 4 year Biblical School. I have just finished teaching my first semester at my Alma Mater University.
I am 56 years old and I don't know if I have ever been happier in my life. I may have thought I have been from time to time when I have been "in love," but today I have true contentment that comes from a deep and abiding faith in and relationship with God.
I so appreciate the people who have read my blog over the years. You have touched my heart in so many ways. I hope that we will continue in this relationship. It is just another leap of faith for me to change my name... and I am sure it will be exactly the way it is supposed to be. Thank you.