Eating lunch

This is a cell phone photo of my yesterday's lunch. It seems I am on a Vietnamese kick. This was a Vietnamese noodle bowl with shrimp. It was a taste sensation, I tell you!

Work is trying right now. Trying every thing I have got. But I know that God is always with me, whether I am having a fun time or a bad time. It is all good.

"Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked for you. Offer him friendship and fellowship." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 95

I'm Alive!

I woke up yesterday at about 3:00 p.m., wanting to have pho (vietnamese beef noodle soup). I couldn't find any delivered pho, so we went and picked some up. It was so delicious. My son said it was pho'kin great. After I ate the pho, I decided I really MUST have a pedicure. That was when my son observed that I was suddenly really feeling better.

I went and got my toesies done. It was a wonderful thing. To have your legs salt scrubbed and your feet soaked and rubbed and filed and nipped and clipped, it is a thing of glory. But I usually don't feel really comfortable about it. It seems a bit too decadent to me. If I spend $40. on groceries or an article of clothing, it seems a pittance. If I spend $40. to have some little asian woman laboring over my feet - that just seems like it is wasteful and wrong. Yesterday it seemed OK because I was sick, it really was therapeutic, my toes looked BAD, and I am (still) too sick to do my usual work on my feet.

So I am feeling better. I am up early and going to go to the 6:30 meeting this morning. I have not been to a meeting since my abysmal experience at the "beginners" meeting last Thursday. Then I will go face the music at work. Thankfully, I have made it to round 2 of the interview process for the other job I have applied for. (sorry Daave, ending a sentence with a proposition, er, I mean preposition - but to quote Winston Churchill, when an editor changed a sentence he wrote "This is the kind of impertinence up with which I shall not put.")

I have not run since Saturday - when I ran 5 miles instead of my scheduled 10. I didn't know then why I felt so tired - I found out on Sunday when I felt like I got hit by the freight train of whatever illness I just had. This lost week of training will probably have a negative impact on my half-marathon on October 14... oh well. Training for a half-marathon is a lot of pressure. I really can't wait to run again just for the joy of it - not because I am training for anything.

I am a chatty cathy this morning, eh? I am so grateful to be back among the living. Three days in bed is a long dang time. Sometimes it takes that to get grateful for who I am and the life I have though. Today I am really grateful!

"There is God, our Father, who very simply says 'I am waiting for you to do my will.' The other authority is named John Barleycorn, and he says 'You had better do God's will or I will kill you." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 319

Uncommonly Ill

I slept almost all day yesterday and all last night. I have been up for an hour now, and am about to go back to bed. I have to make that phone call to work that still brings on anxiety. It seems that no matter how long I stay sober, I still remember those drunken and hungover calls to work, with some lame excuse for why I couldn't come to work that day. Back in the day, being a girl and having a man boss, saying it was "that time of the month" seemed to work well because it embarrassed the man. Boy, that WAS a long time ago. What a drunken hag I was. Manipulative, mean-spirited person.

Yesterday they called me from work because some big disaster is going on there. I cannot believe that I was sick enough to explain to an assistant where to find stuff and advise her on what to do, but I absolutely could not come in to work. It is days like these that make or break careers, and I was powerless to do anything but go back to sleep. And today is another day when I probably should go to work, but I can't.

I can barely see straight enough to write this. I had a cold like this last winter - I was in bed for many days.

So as I lay in bed, I thank God that I have a job where I have many days of sick leave. I thank God that I have a pretty and comfortable bed where I can lay my sick little head. I thank God that I have pretty velvet drapes over lace curtains and that I can see the many still green leaves of a huge tree in my front yard through the curtains. It is very peaceful. I am also so so so grateful that I haven't seen my friend Larry for about a week. I think this illness would kill him he is in such poor health. Thank You God for keeping me away from him for a day or two.

"Your misfortune has become your good fortune. You AAs are a privileged people." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 133

Hello?

me: Hello, boss' secretary? This is Mary Christine.
her: Hello?
me: Yes, I won't be coming in today. I am quite sick.
her: Hello?
me: You can't hear me because I don't have a voice, but trust me, I am too sick to come in.
her: Who is this?
me: I will send you an e-mail.
her: Hello?
me: Good-bye.

This is a calling-in-sick post. I am too sick to even post anything. I have got an aching head, a running nose, a bottle brush stuck in my throat, and even a fever.

Still grateful to be sober, but I can't even read the small print of the big book today, so no quote.

Sobriety is More...

Yesterday my sponsee Janine called me. Her father had just died. She was crying, but she was grateful. She had been so worried that he would end up dying in the hospital, and he wanted so much to die at home. She had been worried about how much pain he would have in those last days, hours, minutes. All of these things worked out as best they could. He died at home, surrounded by his family.

Janine got to hold his hand as he passed.

Sobriety is so much more than not drinking (but of course, not drinking is a requirement!). And it is so much more than just for us. We get to be present at the important events in our lives, and the important events of those we love, and who love us. Whether it is pleasant or not, we get to be there. We get to go, and see what we can bring instead of what we can take.

I am so grateful to have this incredible woman in my life. I am so grateful the she gets to be sober and a part of her family today, and I bet they are grateful too.

"As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Red Door

Here's what's on my agenda for today:
Run 10 miles
Paint the trim on my garage door
Paint the trim on my front porch
Paint the Front Door RED!
I bought the paint last night after work. I caulked the trim around my garage door. I put primer on my front door - where it used to be green, it is now white.

I have a busy day. Then I am going to see my priest for confession at 3:30, and then Mass at 5:00. I don't know how I can do all of this in one day, but I shall try. I think the run is what is going to get shortened - 7 miles, 10 miles, what the heck is the difference?

Thank God I am sober and know that the day will end with me doing my written 10th step, while sitting in bed. I will thank God for the day, just like I thanked him last night. I have asked for his help and guidance through this day, and I am reasonably sure that I will not need a drink to liven up the day, and therefore won't get into any fights with my neighbors while I am painting. I don't think the police will be called. I likely won't spill a gallon of paint on the driveway ( I hope). Since there won't be a drink involved, I think I can be reasonably sure that my day won't involve any of these calamities - although there still may be some!

"Human beings are never quite alike, so each of us, when making an inventory, will need to determine what his individual character defects are. Having found the shoes that fit, he ought to step into them and walk with new confidence that he is at last on the right track." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 281

One Alcoholic, Reaching Out to Another Alcoholic...

I do believe that is why AA has worked where everything else had failed. We are just a bunch of drunks who have found a way to stay sober and hope to pass that along to others because it helps us to stay sober. (here's the disclaimer, I slept too late this morning, I didn't run this morning, and I have a lingering broken heart - this might be where the leakage into my life is showing....)

So, last night I went to the 5:30 meeting, they have declared the Thursday night meeting a "newcomers" meeting in the last few months. I liked it at first. Last night it just hit me all wrong. Very wrong. At the beginning of the meeting, they ask for the usual... anyone at their first, 2nd, or 3rd meeting since their last drink?... clap, clap, clap. Anyone in their first 30 days? clap, clap, clap. Anyone celebrating 30, 60, or 90 days? clap, clap, clap. Anyone celebrating an anniversary of a year, or multiples thereof? clap, clap, clap. (This is what my friend Larry calls the Academy Awards.) Then they go on with this meeting and ask all of those in their first year to raise their hand. Most of the hands in the room go up. This is where they lost me. Then the format is that the "new" people, in their first year of sobriety, share in the first half of the meeting, and then the experts will respond in the second half.

Hmmm. so why not rope off the room in the middle. Or get color coded tee-shirts. People with 30 days or less get red tee shirts, 30-60 days get yellow, 60-90 get green, 90 days to 60 months - blue... etc.

AA works because we are all in the same boat. Any time you cut that up, you cup up our chances for recovery. I really believe that. We all start by saying "my name is ____, I am an alcoholic." I do not hyphenate my alcoholism. I don't say I am a GRATEFUL alcoholic, a HAPPY alcoholic, a RECOVERING, or RECOVERED alcoholic. When I do that, I separate myself from you. I divide our commonality. I say I AM SPECIAL.

Does it make us feel better on some level to believe that once I have achieved x amount of time of sobriety that I will be immune from drink or insanity? Does it make "new" people feel better to believe that we have rankings in AA? I looked around that room last night and realized that I was sober longer than anyone there. What the hell kind of honor is that? I just want to be one of the drunks. I just want to talk to a new lady and show her that I care, that I understand, and that I have found a way to stay sober. I don't want to sit on one side of the room and be set up as an expert. An expert what?

I won't be going back to that meeting. I can go any other day of the week, and most of those same people will be there, but I find the format on Thursday extremely offensive.

SO THERE!

"As sobriety means long life and happiness for the individual, so does unity mean exactly the same thing to our Society as a whole. Unified we live, disunited we shall perish." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 229

I'm in love...

With my new lawn mower. This thing rocks. It is quiet, it is energy efficient (using only my arm, leg, and back power), it is supposed to actually be good for the grass. And I can use it when I want to. I won't wake anyone up using this thing!

A man I deeply respected in AA used to say that you could do an instant test of how well you were really doing in AA by looking at how well you "blend" in the world with the rest of the people. Whenever I am standing outside on my lawn, talking to my neighbors, I marvel at what a miracle it is to just be standing there, a neighbor among neighbors. By the Grace of God I get to "blend" most of the time today.

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

Dark at 6:01 a.m.

Did I ever tell y'all about my primeval fear of dogs? Do you know how this complicates running outdoors on an almost daily basis? When I was five years old, I was at my father's company picnic. A little boy and I (this is what my ex-husband said is the real problem- the boy) decided to take a walk. We could not read yet, so couldn't read the sign that said "NO TRESPASSING, GUARD DOGS" and yes, we got attacked by dogs. It was very traumatic. I remember going to the hospital, I remember that I was very fortunate and did not have life-threatening injuries. I also remember that I spent the remainder of my youth being terrified of dogs. Any dog, poodles, pomeranians, chihauhuas, it mattered not.

Then, in my early 20s, I had a boyfriend with a dog (maybe my ex-husband was right about what my real problem is) and I learned to love the dog named "blue". I have learned to love many dogs over the years. But I still have a problem with stranger dogs. Dogs I meet on the sidewalk. Dogs don't like runners much. I carry pepper spray. I have never once used it, but it makes me feel better.

I have another long-ass story for why I don't like being outside as a pedestrian in the dark, but I will save it for another day.

So, now it is 6:10 a.m., and I will get out of here for my run. It is still dark though. But I can thank God that today I do not have to be a prisoner of my fears. I can look the world in the eye, and move forward. This I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.

"So fear need not always be destructive, because the lessons of its consequences can lead us to positive values." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 22

Tuesday September Eleventh

I am grateful that I can be present in today. I can acknowledge past September Elevenths, and honor what it means - but it is not required that I be unhappy today. So, I don't think I will!

My mother died on June 18, 1971. After 1971, I would have a miserable time on that day each year. I was married on September 5 one year and after the marriage fell apart, I would suffer terribly on each September 5 - remembering the sunlit joy of my youth and the foolish hopes and dreams that did not work out the way I wanted. I can name so many dates it is ridiculous. When my father died, I purposely decided that I would not remember the date. I can remember the date of his birth, and have happy memories of his life. I can remember other memorable dates and the joy involved. His death? that was not a highlight of his long life. I know that it was at the end of August in 1993. I have his obituary somewhere and holy cards with his dates if I really need to know, but I haven't needed to know yet.

I got a new garage door yesterday! It is beautiful! I have been saying "I have to get a new garage door" since I moved into this house on September 28, 2001 (oooops!) I am so glad I finally bit the bullet and wrote the check for a nice new garage door. And now I will get rid of the darker green trim on my house and paint it white - so I will have a pale green house with white trim. But I need to paint my front door a new and wonderful color. I am thinking RED. I love red, but I seem to remember some suggestion that it denoted a "house of ill-repute." Does anyone else think that?

So today - my son is asleep downstairs. I still have jars of salsa lined up on my kitchen counter - because I love the way they look. I have a nice job to go to, and lots of meetings to attend there -where they are actually awaiting my peculiar skill at quantifying everything. At work it is called data analysis and research - at home it is called being a pain in the ass. I have an AA meeting to attend after work. I have homework to do - I had my first Biblical School Class last night - it was awesome! Life is good. I have a broken heart, but my heart has been broken before and it has always mended, I know that I am being cared for by a loving God and all is well.

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep and abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." - July 16 reading from Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Lotsa Salsa

This is what I did yesterday, and believe me, it took all day. Specifically from 10:00 a.m. till 8:30 p.m. It was good therapy. And now I have almost enough salsa to last a year.

I went to my old home group yesterday morning. Someone was there celebrating 20 years of sobriety. My friend Elmer told him "Congratulations on your 20 years, that's a good start." I laughed, but I was the only one. I have grown accustomed to a meeting where the people with 20 days are the experts, doling out advice to the "newcomers." So, I looked around this room and counted 12 people with over 20 years of sobriety. No one thought it was funny or cute to call 20 years "a good start." Oh Thank You God, I need to remember where I belong. This is the group of people I got sober with. We were a bunch of misfits back then - that is why I like the new meeting with the 20 day sober people being the experts - it was in a group like that that I got sober. We hung out together, as someone said yesterday in the meeting, we were all together in a sinking ship. And we stayed sober.

So now I can go to this group and be one of the gang. No one thinks I am stellar for my 23 years of sobriety. No one has outrageous expectations of me, they just expect me to be me. AND they remember what I used to be like. There is something so comforting in that. To sit in a room with more than a couple of people who have known me from day 1 of sobriety is just wonderful. And I am so grateful that in this room, no one is the expert. We are just a bunch of drunks. Most of us are sober for a long time, but none of us have "graduated" to where we come to meetings to make speeches about how great we are.

I thank God for the loving arms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The healing power of a bunch of drunks. It is most incredible, but it works. I have come to trust in its power.

"God will not desert us when the chips are down; indeed, He did not when we were drinking. And so it should be with the remainder of life. Certainly, He does not plan to save us from all troubles and adversity. Nor, in the end, does He save us from so-called death- since this is but an opening of a door into a new life, where we shall dwell among His many mansions. Touching these things I know you have a most confident faith." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 221

Morning After

I am going to my old home group this morning... Called the Morning After group. We/They meet at 7:30 a.m., each day. It is about 25 miles from here, so I don't go all that often - although I used to go every weekend. In the insanity of the intense winter weather we had last year, I got out of the habit of driving across town to a meeting.

This morning, I need to go somewhere that people love me. Somewhere that I am sure to run into a few people who have known me since my first day of sobriety, July 24, 1984. Sort of like a chicken noodle soup and jello kind of meeting. Not that it is a "gentle" group, it is certainly not that. It is a bunch of rough and tumble truckers and bikers and some executives and business owners, a jeweler, a landscaper, and a bunch of people who do God-alone-knows what. They are rough around the edges and there is a lot of colorful language used there. But it is where I belong this morning.

Yesterday was a hard day. I cried until I was sick. I cried until I had one of the worst headaches of my life. I was actually hanging over the toilet bowl, hoping to vomit - somehow I had forgotten to eat all day and I was very sick to my stomach... I didn't throw up though. By the end of the day, I felt like I had a terrible, terrible hangover. A person is not meant to cry that much, I am sure of that. I went to church last night and cried for an hour and a half there. I used an entire packet of kleenex just at church. I am not going to get into the specifics of what happened, but I will tell you not to worry about me or my family - we are fine. I was just hurt over something.... something a reasonably astute reader might be able to speculate about.

The good news? I didn't drink. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to take my own life. I didn't want to take the life of another. I don't owe anyone an amends. I didn't say anything cruel to another person. I am not angry, I am not growing a resentment. I was just hurt. And thank God today I can identify that feeling and feel it.

They say "feeling is healing" but I know that I can take this to extremes and go right off the deep end... I need to move on and have a productive day. I cannot wallow in this. I am going to the meeting this morning, then to my favorite farmers market to get the stuff I need for a day of making salsa. This place is going to smell heavenly in a couple of hours.

"When ready, we say something like this: ' My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.' We have then completed Step Seven." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

Saturday Meeting

I am heading out of here, as I do on most Saturday mornings, to a 6:30 a.m. AA meeting. I love this meeting. Today there should be a special guest appearance of the man I had been dating for the last year (but not talking about). He moved away in June, and I haven't seen him since then.

My son is downstairs sleeping. The crickets are still singing (is that what they do?) outside. The sun is not up yet. This is really my favorite time of the day, on my favorite day of the week, in my favorite time of the year.

I better get myself ready and get out of here. Have a great sober Saturday everyone.

"Anyone can get sober. We have all done it lots of times. The trick is to stay and to live sober." -- Living Sober, p. 2 (unmarked, but it is the 2nd page after the table of contents)

2 years, 716 posts

It was 2 years today that I started this blog. I started it to have a conversation with someone who was bugging me on my other blog - I knew he was an AA member, and I didn't want to identify as such on the blog with my full name and picture - anonymity, you know. I posted occasionally for a couple of months and didn't really see the point because I was getting no indication that the blog had any use at all.

On November 28, 2005, Ms. Trudge found my blog and put a link to it on hers. It was oh so exciting to visit my blog one afternoon and find that there were SEVEN comments on my most recent post! I couldn't believe it! People were reading my blog! It was so exciting. I came to know people through their blogs and I felt that my sobriety had been enriched profoundly.

Since then, many of the people who were part of my daily blog life have stopped blogging. Some of them are drinking or using. Some of them have gotten more healthy and moved from "virtual" sobriety to the real thing - real sponsors, real meetings, real recovery. Some of them have just lost interest in blogging I guess. And that would make the sober blogging community much like the AA community out there, people come and go.

I am not a come-and-go kind of gal. I was when I was drinking. When I got sober, I jumped into AA with both feet, and never looked back. I have been consistently IN AA for a little over 23 years, and sober all that time. I do not "move on" in my life and stop doing the things that have saved my life. I just keep plugging along, because I know from years of watching people, what happens when you start to think you have graduated to a higher plane of recovery and now you just give advice, provide support, or occasionally bestow your blessings on the unwashed masses at an AA meeting. I am an alcoholic every single day of my life, I am just as much of an alcoholic today - 23 years out from my last drink- as I was in 1984 in my first year of sobriety. God has greatly blessed me with a life today that I could not have dreamed when I was new, but I am clear that left to my own devices, I am a drunk!

I had considered discontinuing this blog. The lack of comments was very disconcerting to me. I have made some friends through blogging and even if I stopped blogging, I know I would continue to visit their blogs and keep up with them by e-mail. But as far as every single day spending hours writing this thing and keeping up with you all, I really questioned whether it was something of value or not.

I posted about this the other day. I was hesitant to do it because I didn't want to seem like someone saying "if you don't give me what I want I will go away and you will never see me again - you'll be sorry!" But then again, I didn't just want to disappear, I don't behave like that anymore. It did elicit comments from "lurkers" and for that I am truly grateful. I also got comments from my regular readers and I am grateful for that too. I also got comments about "not needing validation." oh, poooh.

If I was just writing for me, I could write in a journal. I don't need to put it out for all to see. Since I put it out here for all to see, I would like to know, in a general way, who is looking at it. When you have posted every day for 2 years, your blog will come up in a search for just about anything. I have written about lasagna falling apart when you slice it (and people search for info about that, really, really, they do), apple pie, key lime pie, lemon meringue pie, dead snowmen, running in every kind of weather phenomena, having my son in Iraq, having him return from Iraq, shopping for shoes, back to school shopping for kids, having a summer romance, having a summer romance fall apart, etc., etc., etc. I have also written about staying sober one day at a time for "x" number of years, having a wonderful sponsor, being a (wonderful?) sponsor, going to every kind of AA meeting, AA picnics, AA potlucks, AA conventions, and AA funerals.

I do not need the validation of you liking what I write, or your approval of what I write. I just wanted to know if I was just standing in the middle a busy highway intersection talking to myself. I think I have found out that I am not talking to myself. There are those who are listening. I appreciate you, I truly do. You don't have to comment every day - I would LOVE it if you did though - but I do need to know that I am not just talking to myself. You also don't have to agree with me. I pretty much stick to my own experience, strength, and hope - nothing to argue about there - but I do, on occasion foray into the landmine of opinion. I would also like to say that I find it disconcerting that people who are "new" in AA have somehow gotten the impression that they have nothing to offer an "oldtimer" like me. Puh-Lease! AA is the great democracy... it is not a hierarchy. We all help each other.

So, thanks to everyone. I will keep at this blogging. When I am sharing in an AA meeting, I always end by saying "Thanks for listening." At one of my very first meetings, a man was talking about what a miracle it is that in a room full of alcoholics, we share - one person at a time - and the whole room listens. It truly is a miracle when we listen to each other. As a person who grew up, the youngest of 5 children, in an alcoholic family - I was always told to be quiet, calm down, you don't have to shout, stop talking... when I got to AA, for the first time in my life, I really felt that I was being listened to, and this is quite an honor. Thank you.

"In any meeting, anywhere, AAs share experience, strength, and hope with each other, in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics. Modem-to-modem or face-to-face, AAs speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxiv

Driving in the Rain

Coming home last night. It was raining. It was nice and cool. I love when summer ends. I love when summer begins too. I love fall the best - except when it is winter, or spring, or summer.

My friend Larry calls me most days and says stuff like this - The good news is, I didn't drink last night. And I didn't want one this morning. God has given me this gift, all I have to do is agree with Him.

Every day is a revelation when we are sober. It is a living, loving gift from God. May you agree with God today and live this day to its sober fullest.

"Our entire AA program rests upon the principle of mutual trust. We trust God, we trust AA, and we trust each other." -- Twelve Concepts, p. 16

Happy Birthday to dAAve!

One of my very favorite people anywhere on earth is celebrating 4 years of continuous sobriety today. Please go over and wish dAAve a happy birthday.

I am going out for a run in spite of lingering pain from pulling weeds on Monday (who knew that pulling weeds for 2 hours would cause such pain and agony?)

I will then come back home and bathe and dress as becomingly as I can, to go off to work. Once there, I will put a smile on my face, greet the people I come in contact with, go to the meetings that are on my agenda for today, and work at some major projects in the meantime. I will give my best for 8 hours.

When I leave there at the end of the day, I will go to a 5:30 meeting. I will get to see many people I love and see what is going on with them.

Then I will come home again and see what is going on here. It is so unusual for me to have someone living with me, that the concept of things going on at home while I am not here is really an unusual and fun idea.

Have a great sober 24 everyone.

"Being convinced, we were at Step Three...." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60

Back to Work

Today was supposed to be a running day. I just cannot make myself go out there. I pulled weeds for 2 hours yesterday, and then went for a bike ride and my entire body hurts. I guess one day off training will not kill me. I just can't do it I tell you!

This is probably whining, or even worse, manipulation - but I am baffled about something. This blog is getting more hits than ever, but the number of comments seems to dwindle by the day. These days I get four or five comments when I used to get 15 or 20. Yesterday for instance, my blog was visited 63 times, and yet only five people left comments. I think that comments are the fuel that keep me going on this thing. And I am running out of gas. I just don't see what the point is if my only readership are random people searching for stuff on google. If I thought they were people looking for help with their alcoholism and that they found the link to Alcoholics Anonymous here - or some hope here - I would think it is worthwhile. But I have no way of knowing that. And frankly, if someone got here by searching for "An Alcoholic Drink That Will Put A Woman Under In Minutes" - really, yesterday someone got my blog by searching for this - I don't think my blog is much help to them.

September 7 is the 2nd anniversary of this blog. I think I will pray about this and wait until the 7th to make a decision.

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bills Sees It, p. 115

Labor Day

I am going to go out now and pull weeds in my back yard. They are out of control. I haven't wanted to touch them, but for some reason, this morning I woke up and thought I could deal with it today. It is only 57 degrees outside, and I got some rest this weekend so I can handle a bit of hard labor (on Labor Day).

My daughter and son left my house to go to their friend's house on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday morning I got a phone call - they are in Las Vegas. Oh, to be young. They will be back later today.

I spent hours on the phone with AA people yesterday. It was good. I got several reports from the state convention and I am glad I made the decision I did about going. I am so grateful for the wonderful friendships I have made in Alcoholics Anonymous.

"The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd edition), p. 553 (Freedom From Bondage)

Sunday, September 2, 2007

It is a beautiful Sunday Morning. The sun isn't quite up yet, the birds are singing, the air has the coolness of late summer, it is nice. I went to Nightwatch (where we answer the after-hours calls to the AA Central Office) instead of church last night, so I am going to Mass this morning at 7:30.

I took an 8 mile run with my daughter yesterday. It kicked my butt. I am still tired.

And I still get another day off work after today!

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 115

Saturday Morning, 3 Day Weekend, See You in September

How excellent! It is pre-dawn on a Saturday morning of a three day weekend. I am going to wash my face, throw on some clothes, and head out to a 6:30 meeting. My daughter will be here at 8 to go out and run 8 miles with me. Then Night Watch is tonight, so I will likely bake a pie for that - and those are my sole plans for the weekend.

I may buy a reel lawn mower this weekend. When I tell people that, they assume I am saying a "real" lawn mower. But no, it is a REEL lawn mower. You know, no engine, no motor, no noise, no gasoline. Just blades cutting the grass, being powered by a human being. We shall see if I do this.

I went shopping with my daughter the other night. I was looking at coffee filters and expressed delight and amazement at the idea of a permanent coffee filter! She started laughing and sheepishly walked away. I had to ask her "what is so funny?" and she said she would tell me but I might get offended. But I pressed her. She said "Are you going to pull your camera out of your purse and take a picture of the coffee filters?" - ha ha. I truly laughed out loud. It was funny. And this is just ONE of the ways blogging has affected my life.

The other way it has affected my life is that I have gotten to know, through your blogs, a number of exceptionally wonderful sober alcoholics. Here is a brief illustration of this:

In April I came to Texas for a wedding. Our dear friend dAAve told me he would be happy to drive me around Houston and that when I got there, I could return my rental car and he would be sure to get me around town and to the airport when I left. Let me tell you, I do not visit my own family without my own car.... and I do not trust ANYONE to drive me to the airport. But, based on the fact that I know that dAAve always posts on his blog every single day - unless he has told us he won't - I trusted him to pick me up, drive me around, and get me to the airport on time. And he did. And furthermore, I don't know when I have been treated so hospitably as I was treated by dAAve, Scott, Pammie, Zane, and other wonderful Houston Sober Bloggers.

I have also met Lash, Motorcycle Mike, and others. What a wonderful thing to meet these people. To sit in a restaurant with Lash, and having just met, and just kind of pick up where we left off - because we have been reading each others' blogs for a couple years - is so cool - and it doesn't hurt that he is REALLY nice to look at!

OK, I gotta get to my meeting. Have a great sober weekend everyone. XXXOOO

"Each day my friend's simple talk in our kitchen multiplies itself in a widening circle of peace on earth and good will to men." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 16

Happy Friday Morning

Blogger wouldn't let me type in a title, I only had a drop down box of all the titles I have ever used, and I thought this one was apt. I have a three day weekend ahead of me. The State AA Convention is this weekend, but I decided not to go. I had planned to go and stay with my sponsor and her husband. I was also planning to see a man I was dating (but not talking about) who moved to the western slope in June.

I decided that there is a man here in my house (my son) who I have missed for over a year (while he was in Iraq). My heart is happy every time I see him. I do not care to miss many opportunities to spend time with him. He will be back in his own apartment soon enough. I will get over to visit my sponsor and the man later on in the year when the time is right. But this weekend, I just want to be at home.

I also think there should be people sitting in the regular old boring meetings - without the super star circuit speakers - for the drunks who stumble in, unaware that everyone has gone to the State Convention!!! I will gladly be the regular old sober alcoholic, sitting in the regular old meeting, waiting for the regular old drunks. Let the rest of them go off and get shiney and dressed up and give standing ovations for an alcoholic telling their story (can you tell I have a big problem with that? I do!)

"Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as AA members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public. As we lay aside these very human aspirations, we believe that each of us takes part in the weaving of a protective mantle which covers our whole Society and under which we may grow and work in unity." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 187

More Shoes

I love to purchase new shoes. I love to purchase too many shoes. I spend entirely too much money on shoes. I used to buy lots of nice new high heeled shoes to wear to work. Lately I wear my old high heeled shoes to work and save my money for the important shoes - like sandals, running shoes, hiking boots, and other recreational footwear.

I am off to church now. One hour of silent prayer has great restorative powers.

"(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60

Wednesday, Trash Day

I get to take the trash cans out to the curb this morning. I get to take the chinese cartons out of the refrigerator and put them in the trash - I didn't want to throw lots of chicken and spare ribs into a trash can and let them sit for days in my very hot garage. There are at least three pizza cartons too. And pop cans. Weird. I can definitely tell that my life is very different today. Having a family around is wonderful and very different.

Last night we went out for dinner at a wonderful restaurant. We laughed and had the best time. My kids were bemused that when our entrees were served, I pulled my camera out of my purse and took a picture of mine. I never saw anything like it.

I am starting to feel like myself again. But I am dealing with the fallout of a year where I didn't want to make any major changes or deal with anything that wasn't life threatening. So now that my son is home, safe and sound, I am faced with a job that has turned into a nightmare. And the emotional fallout of that - I am broken hearted because I fully intended to retire from this job. Today I will put the finishing touches on a job application and a written essay that went with it, and I will drop it off and get it out of my hands.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

My nature vs. what is good

First let me tell you: I don't even want to write this blog entry today. For reasons I won't go into - I just did and then deleted it because I sound like Wendy Whiner. But I will write because I made a commitment to do this, and I try with all my might to honor my commitments.

Now I just deleted 3 paragraphs of what is going on in my life. I don't feel like sharing that today.

Here is what I will say: yesterday I discovered that somehow in the excitement of having my son here and all that goes with that, I had forgotten to pick up my estrogen refill at the pharmacy - 2 weeks ago. I was having mood stuff going on, and I was having hot flashes and night sweats, and somehow it didn't register that I hadn't been taking my estrogen? It will take a couple days to get back to some semblance of normalcy (for me.)

I will go out for a run at first light. I am training for a half-marathon. I love to run and it frequently straightens out my thinking. I think there is something so therapeutic about the rhythm of breathing and foot strikes, being out in the morning air and sunshine, and working up a sweat.

Mainly what I will do is know that the way I "feel" is not an accurate gauge of my spiritual condition. Being "happy" does not mean I am doing what is right or good. I will trust God and know that all is well. All is just as it should be.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Monday Morning

I love Monday Morning. The whole week is ahead of me. Sometimes the work week seems like a place to rest up from the weekend. I had hoped for some rest over the weekend, but that never happened. I am not used to having a life so full of people. It is good, but it does wear me out.

I am heading out of here this morning to my 6:30 meeting. It is a great way to start a week. When I get to work, I have a meeting with my boss. I have got some real problems with this man. I will pray about what to say to him.

I am so grateful to be sober this morning. I am so grateful I didn't drink yesterday and didn't wake up wanting a drink today. It's just as simple as that. "Ask Him in the morning, and thank Him at night."

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.'"-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87, 88

Men and Women in AA

My friend Larry was recently told by a woman he helped to get sober that she couldn't talk to him anymore. Her sponsor said so. Because he is a man. She is a woman and he is a man. And her sponsor says she can't talk to him.

What a wonderful way to cut your chances at recovery in half. What a fabulous way to spit in the face of God's Grace - and tell God who he ought to put in your life. What an efficient way to narrow your world down by 50%. And probably there are more rules in there that whittle it right down to far less than 50%.

When I was new in AA, there were certainly sponsors who advised their "pigeons" to stick to the women - hang out only with women. Stay away from the men. I looked at these sponsors and thought, in my newcomer's supreme judgment, that these women were old and unattractive and had no chance of being with a man and so they didn't want anyone else to either. (And furthermore, I have never had a sponsor who called me anything other than a "sponsee" or even a "friend". I am not a pigeon. I am not a baby. I am an adult human being. A female alcoholic human being. )

I was far more comfortable with men than women. That is a trait common to probably most alcoholic women. I found sober men to hang out with. Most of the time it was a healthy thing. Sometimes it wasn't. I didn't get to AA with a surplus of virtue, most people don't. Part of what I found so appealing about AA when I got here was the number of men - and they all seemed to like me pretty well. I loved the attention. I also hung out with sober women. I had a sober woman sponsor. But I really loved the men. I spent hours each day on the phone with them. I slept with some of them! (Shock! Horror!) At one point, I had a male sponsor and I slept with him! (Shock! Horror!) And by the Grace of God, not my fabulous WORK, I stayed sober.

By the time I was sober about 5 years, I stopped carrying on like this. I had created a lot of wreckage in my sobriety. God had made me ready to change. And he gave me the ability to stop doing things I thought I would never stop doing. And I was grateful. But like my drinking, I wasn't ready to change this behavior until I was ready to change.

By the time I was sober about 10 years, I realized that some of the myths I believed about AA were simply not true. I had believed there was a shortage of sober women. I started looking around the rooms at meetings and when I opened my eyes, I saw that there were women, usually quiet and unassuming, who were sober for decades. In almost every room, there were these women. I started talking to these women. I found that most of them were pretty much like me. They had hung out with the men. They were not all as promiscuous as I had been, but they had hung out with men. Some of them had men for sponsors.

I started watching the women who cluck around each other, like a little herd of hens. They get fragile, their world view gets very narrow. They have one faith or another that they share and don't much approve of people who don't. In my experience, in my observations, they do not stay sober.

We drunks make up a great mosaic in AA. Each piece separately might seem to have very limited value, but the picture would not be complete without it. Each person brings something to AA, something we need. I don't tell God that this mosaic would be OK if only the red pieces were removed. I only want the blue pieces. Maybe green, but definitely not red or purple. I believe that God puts just the right people into my life each and every day. I would not dare to tell God who He ought to put into my life.

In my sobriety, I believe I have made every mistake a person can make. The only things I have done consistently right are going to meetings and not picking up a drink. I don't believe that I keep me sober by works. I believe that I am sober by the Grace of a Loving God. I would not advocate doing a lot of the things I have done, but I know that each day I can only do things to the best of my ability, and as a newly sober woman, I didn't have much ability. We aren't meant to get to AA and get perfect overnight. We will improve with time if we just don't drink.

"Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought AA membership ever depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 565 (the third tradition)

Saturday

Today I am going to an all day Prayer Day. It is the first day of the Biblical School I am attending. I am excited like a little kid on the first day of school. I have my new notebook and pen. I have a shiny new Bible. I have my clothes picked out. I Google-Earthed the church, so I know exactly where it is. When I tell people I have enrolled in a four year formal Bible School, they look at my sideways and ask "why?" It is not easy to explain, but I sure am happy about it!

Yesterday I had the brilliant idea to hop over to a noon meeting on my lunch so that I wouldn't have to worry about getting to the 5:30. When I walked into the club, I saw someone I knew and loved in early sobriety. I squealed like a little girl to see him. He is now a lot older and is on oxygen, but looks good anyway and has stayed sober all these years - probably close to 35 years. We talked and talked and talked. He said he comes to that meeting every Friday. I think I will too!

As we talked, I told him that I quoted something all the time and I thought I got it from him, but wasn't sure anymore. When I told him that I recently told a sponsee struggling with her 4th step that "whatever is bothering you, and could get you drunk, when written would probably fit on a matchbook." His face lit up, he said that I was indeed quoting him, and then he told me who told him that. It was just so delightful to see him. (and let this be a little place-marker about friendships between men and women in AA.... I would like to write about that one of these days.)

My son requested home made pizza last night, so I was really glad I went to the noon meeting. Of course, I made pizza... and that is a project. I actually roast the tomatoes, onion, and garlic and puree it for the sauce. The dough I actually made with yeast, salt, flour, and olive oil. Etc., Etc., Etc., It is great fun and yummalicious. And what a treat to stand in the kitchen with an apron on, cooking for my family.

I better get ready to go pray all day. Wow. Who knew that sobriety could be such a wonderful thing?

"We discover that we receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

Best and Worst

Yesterday was a best and a worst day. I will focus on the "best" part, but I had to write about the "worst" part last night. I do a written 10th step every night and usually there aren't too many problems. Yesterday was a bad day at work and I got very angry. I closed my office door, slammed my water bottle on my desk, called someone (who wasn't there) a name, and generally was awful. Today I will put in my application for another job. I have had the same employer for 13 years, and it was my intention to retire from there, but it doesn't feel very good right now. So I will do my best on my resume and application, and the rest is out of my hands. Today I will put a smile on my face and be as pleasant as I can and ask God to help me. I certainly cannot do this on my own.

The "best" part? After work, I took my oldest granddaughter shopping for school clothes. She put her hand in mine as we walked around the mall. She confided in me, "girls like going to the mall." She also told me confidently that shopping was exercise. I could not resist purchasing her the above pink Puma shoes. They are so freaking cute. I took the picture while we were eating at the food court at the mall -- something I have not done in probably 15 years? It is something I would normally consider pretty disgusting, but with this beautiful child with me, I found it to be wonderful! Maybe I can pretend she is with me at work today!

Tonight I will get to go to the 5:30 meeting after work. My meeting schedule has been all messed up with all the excitement of my son's homecoming.

"I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 37

Thursday Morning

And I need to be out of here in a few minutes to get to church by 5:00 a.m. I made a commitment in March to go there every Thursday morning from 5 to 6 a.m. - for a year - and sit in quiet prayer. It is almost 6 months now. I really enjoy this hour. Sometimes getting up at 3:15 feels like a chore, but that is good too.

I run 5 days a week - but Thursday is now a rest day. The photo was from my after run stretch yesterday. I get the biggest kick out of these shoes, to me they look like space ships with all the gleaming metallic surfaces! They feel good though.

"A clear light seems to fall upon us all - when we open our eyes. Since our blindness is caused by our own defects, we must first deeply realize what they are. Constructive meditation is the first requirement for each new step in our spiritual growth." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 10

Eight Random Facts About Me.

Syd tagged me to do this... I feel like you guys know all the random facts about me, so I am really digging here...
1. I am an adult-onset athlete
2. I finished my first triathlon at the age of 52
3. I finished my first half-marathon at the age of 55
4. Running works the kinks out of my thinking
5. I didn't go to college until I was 43 years old (and ten and a half years sober)
6. I had a master's degree by the time I was 50
7. I have worked for the same employer for 13 years (on Sept. 6) and hope that is about to change
8. I believe that sobriety enables us to do just about anything - because we realize we don't have to "win" the race, just run it. I don't have to be the best or the worst, I just have to do my level best... which sometimes is pretty OK.

If anyone feels like doing this, please consider yourself tagged.

Last night I attended my first board meeting of my home owners' association. Yes, I finally volunteered to be on it. Yikes. The funny thing was, after I left the meeting, I had a different feeling about my little neighborhood - I felt a little bit more like I belong here. My friend says this is the "practice these principles in all our affairs" part. I don't know.

Now I am going to go out and run. I was so afraid that the garage door opening and closing would disturb my son's sleep. He explained to me that he is used to sleeping with jets taking off, helicopters coming in and going out, and mortar attacks! I don't guess my garage door is going to bother him much!

Have a great sober day everyone.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Tuesday Stuff

I woke up late this morning and I still need to get out and run. I will try to make my post brief so that I can get out, run, come back and get ready for work and not be too late. I had some sleeplessness due to family "issues" last night. I need to trust God and know that God has no grandchildren - or great grandchildren. We all have our own primary relationship with him, and he does not need me to be an intermediary for my children or grandchildren.

I went to the 6:30 meeting yesterday. I looked around and saw so many people I love. I was thinking about this yesterday before I went to the meeting - how the anticipation of who I will see at the meeting will add to my desire to go to the meeting. To me, it is absolutely essential that I get to know the people who are in my AA sphere. I don't generally love (or even like for the most part) the people I see in meetings unless I take the time to get to know them. When I get to know them outside of the meetings, I come to understand why they act the way they do, I come to appreciate the people they are, and I come to love them. Then I actually look forward to seeing them. Which actually motivates me to attend a lot of AA meetings. And over the years I have found that attending a lot of AA meetings is very good for me. I am happier when I go to meetings. I am less happy when I don't attend meetings. Another thing I have learned from getting to know people is that most of the people I have known over the years who have stopped attending meetings, have eventually drank again and many of them are dead.

So instead I can sit at a meeting on a Monday morning and look over at C., who came in and out for 5 years, always raising her hand... I never thought she would get sober - she chaired the meeting yesterday and recently celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety - and I am now her sponsor. I sat next to Larry, who I love. As someone I just know from meetings, he isn't the coolest guy on earth - but I have gotten to know Larry and I love him... and he loves me. What better way to bond than ambulance rides together? I looked across the room at Holly. She came over to my house last year at Christmas time and helped me put up my Christmas tree - I was too sad about my son's absence and didn't think I could do it. But I didn't have to do it alone, Holly and Connie helped me. Holly also came out to support me at the half-marathon and I feel like she saved my life. I love Holly. On the other side of the room was L., she and I aren't the best of friends, but I do love her. We used to hike together and indeed, we attempted to climb a 14'er about 10 years ago. I have a picture of us together in one of my AA books, and I look at it every day... she is a part of my life whether we like each other or not.

I could go on ad infinitum. But I don't have time and you probably don't have patience for it. My point is - I am so grateful that I have gotten to know the people I come in contact with in AA. When I take an AA member at face value, I really cheat myself. We are some of the most incredibly interesting and fascinating people on earth. And we really do things like help each other put up the Christmas tree.

-oh sorry to keep writing like this (so much for the "brief post" I intended to write), but yesterday I noticed that my son had a golf shirt with "Walter Hagen" stitched on the sleeve. I asked him if Walter Hagen was a golfer in the 1920s and he said yes. I told my son that Walter Hagen is in the Big Book!!! I so excitedly went to Bill's Story and read the part about Bill Wilson getting involved in golfing. Silly, huh?

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 53

Ever Changing Prodigals

I went with my son down to a ceremony in Colorado Springs yesterday. It was very nice. Of course, I wasn't the one who had to stand in a hot stadium in a uniform for over an hour. My heart broke for my son and our family because his father chose not to attend this event. My son has gotten to be quite a truth-teller and it seems he doesn't really care for his dad's drunkenness... they had some words over this. We just can't see what we do to our families, can we?

My daughter who is not a drinker or drug user left on a backpacking trip for the weekend. By herself. Hiking and staying out in the mountains for 2 nights - by herself. Did I mention she went alone? Please dear God she will call me today and tell me she is home.

The daughter who was clean and sober for over 90 days has not been seen nor heard from for nearly a week and that cannot be good news.

I have decided to focus on my son. He has been gone for over a year. He has been fighting a war. He has been in danger every day. He has served his country and protected our rights to be jackasses whenever the hell we feel like it. All of my children are adults. I want the best for each of them because I am their mother and I love them. But I REFUSE to let this shining moment in our family's history (my son's return from Iraq) be overshadowed by these other events.

I am heading out of here to my 6:30 a.m. meeting. I hope to sit next to my dear friend Larry. I have been thinking an awful lot lately about the friendships we make in AA and I need to write a post about that - very soon. But I have already written enough to test your attention span for today. Thanks for reading.

"We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 130

Sunday Morning

It's beautiful and quiet and my son is downstairs sleeping. I just took a nice 5 mile run in the cool morning air. It is good. I woke up feeling energetic this morning which was wonderful. It is the way I am used to feeling.

Life feels like a wonderful thing this morning. I think I am going to enjoy it.

Have a great sober day everyone.

"May God bless you and keep you..." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

The Blue Star Flag

Is now out of my window. My son came HOME last night. I cooked him a meal! We sat around the table and ate bratwurst and sauerkraut (it's what he asked for) and a key lime pie. We watched football on TV, and he is a man, so we watched everything that was on TV last night - from channel to channel to channel. It was great, great, great.

I had noticed on our previous two visits that he had a chain on his neck, and I figured it was something military - what do I know? Anyway, last night, he pulled it out and it is the St. Michael the Archangel medal I bought him before he left for Iraq last year. He said he put it on when he left and has never taken it off. I can't put into words what that means to me.

I seem to be at a loss for words most of the time lately. This homecoming is incredibly more than I ever dreamed. I was so worried about what kind of shape my son might be in. He seems to be totally himself - only with a lot more appreciation for the simple things in life that he may not have noticed before. I am just thrilled to have him home - I am so proud of the man he has grown into.

I slept too late this morning... I got to the meeting late even. Then I went and ran 6 miles. I am now 8 weeks out from my next half marathon, so the mileage has to increase. It was good to get out there. I am feeling less tired, thankGod. That was awful.

"So let each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Friday

Today may (or may not be) homecoming day for my son. My daughter and I drove down to Colorado Springs to have dinner with him last night. He talked a lot about what it was like to be in Iraq. I was so relieved to hear him talk of his experiences because I think that is very very healthy.

So last night I got 5 hours of sleep. I got up this morning and made up the beds and straighted up a bit. I am going to go out for a run. I haven't run since Tuesday. I haven't been to a meeting since Tuesday. I feel like I am about to drop dead I am so tired. I actually resorted to drinking caffeinated beverages yesterday.

If you have read this blog for a while, you know that I call myself high-maintenance. Not because of the need for fast cars or jewels, but for the need for good food, lots of rest, lots of quiet, lots of prayer, lots of meetings, lots of exercise, and a bit of social time. I am so off-track with this stuff right now, and I am really feeling it. I took Tuesday off and laid about in bed and slept a lot and got 10 hours of sleep that night! But I was still dead on my feet on Wednesday. Which tells me that I need to just push through and keep doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. Like going to work, etc.

So I will get out and take a nice run now and then go to work. Have a great sober Friday everyone.

"We ask simply that throughout the day God place in us the best understanding of His will that we can have for that day, and that we be given the grace by which we may carry it out." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 102

No!

I don't want to get out of bed! But I will.

I am still suffering from incredible fatigue and lethargy. I decided yesterday that I have to go back to some old basics from early recovery: fake it till you make it. Act as if. Suit up and show up. I need to just put one foot in front of the other and go forward with each day because I can't stop living just because I am exhausted. I am taking care of my body and my mind, and I am sure they will both catch up eventually and I will be my old energetic self.

My sponsor said the nervous strain is out of my voice for the first time in over a year. That nervous strain must have worn me totally out! I don't recall ever being this tired.

"AA is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives. We do not, cannot, out-grow this plan." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.), p. 311

Mittwockmorgen

This is a photo from a walk around the Garden of the Gods - my daughter and I decided to take a hike when we learned that the homecoming ceremony on Sunday would be delayed and we had 5 hours to kill. It was really quite beautiful. I had only been there once before, and I had been so angry that day I failed to admire the scenery.

Yesterday I went to the 6:30 meeting which was really a great meeting. I try not to rate meetings because then some of them would have to suck, but this one was really stellar. Then I took a 4 mile run in the heat and came home and did nothing for the rest of the day. I even unplugged my phone - which I never do. I was tired. I continue to be tired. It is 7 a.m. now, I am still sitting in my jammies, it was a work-out day and I didn't even do that! I will get to work, but I wish I could take the rest of the week off. I am just wiped out.

I feel like over the last year, it has taken every ounce of energy I had to not let my mind go to bad places. I would wake up in the night in a panic that my son was flying a helicopter over Iraq on a daily basis. I would have a feeling that I had to get over there and MAKE him come home! Then I would pray and try to relax enough to go back to sleep. When people would call and ask me "how's your son", my stomach would drop and I would ask "WHY?" - because I would instantly assume that they knew something I didn't. I would hear another helicopter was shot down, and I would be expecting two uniformed men at any moment, walking up to my front door to tell me "the news." I would start planning a funeral. For all of these thoughts, I would have to STOP as soon as it started and pray and let go and turn my thoughts to someone else. Thanks to the Grace of a Loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have learned how to do this. My sponsor and my friends have assured me that I have done a good job.

But I feel like it took every molecule of energy I had and now I am just left depleted. Very happy, very relieved, but tired as can be. Maybe I will see if I can take Thursday and Friday off. I am grateful I have a lot of annual leave and never did take a summer vacation this year.

"Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100

Three Words

Christine tagged me to do this a week ago. What a week it has been! I am taking a day of vacation today, because as Pam would say, Sobriety is Exhausting! I am totally worn out. I will go to a meeting and then take a run, and then my fondest hope is that I can lay in bed all day and read a book.
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You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less - well, I had to use a few more in some cases.

1. Where is your cell phone?
by my bed

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
cast of thousands

3. Your hair?
red, blonde, and gray

4. Where is your father?
with Heavenly Father

5. Cheesecake?
oh baby, yes!

6. Your favorite thing to do?
God's Will, please

7. Your dream last night?
have no idea

8. Your favorite drink?
frosty grape powerade

9. Car You Want?:
mine, paid-off

10. The room you're in?:
office at home

11. George Bush:
I pray (for him) daily

12. Your fears?:
My own will

13. Nipple rings?
On baby bottle?

14. Who will/did you hang out with tonight?
I hope nobody

16. Go check GoofyAuctions.com and give your opinion?:
not right now

17. One of your wish list items?:
stop wanting things

18. Where did you grow up?:
rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

19. The last thing you did?:
morning prayer and meditation

20. What are you wearing?
pink boxers & camisole (my jammies)

Tagging - I think everyone who wanted to do this has... but if not, consider yourself tagged! And thanks Christine!

Happy Monday

This is really a terrible picture of my son. But I love it. Because he has been awake at that point for 50 hours, but he is home. He is in the United States of America. In Colorado. And although WE were complaining about the heat in the auditorium, HE has been in 150 degree temperatures for the last year and he thought it was downright pleasant! I not only saw my son last night (Praise God!!!!) but I saw him "in his element." I would never suggest to him now that he leave the military. I saw the way he interacted with the men with whom he has lived and worked for the last year and I could see that something very special is there.

I cannot even begin to describe the moments of waiting for him, it was much like being in labor again. The ceremony was delayed 2 hours, the auditorium was oppressively hot and crowded with other expectant humans. But when they finally marched in, it was unbelievable. The crowd roared. I did too. I thought I would cry, but I was just so happy and so proud. In fact, I have a sore throat this morning... I think I might have roared a bit too much!

We got to visit a bit. He was extremely tired and it was WAY past my bedtime. There will be another ceremony next Sunday. I told him that I would stay home so his dad and step-mom wouldn't be uncomfortable (she won't go anywhere near me.) My wonderful son said "She can get over it, it is not her event, it is mine, and I have just invited you." So I will be there. Damn straight I will be there.

I think I could write a book about what it was like to be there last night. But then I would be really, really late for work! I am thrilled that my son looks healthy and happy. I am incredibly proud of him. I am intensely relieved that he is home. I am grateful I live in a country with an all volunteer military, and they are some pretty impressive people! I am grateful that I am a sober mother, and my son actually wants to see me and introduce me to his friends and wants me to be present at the important events of his life. Thanks be to God.

"Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.) p. 312

Today is the day...

I get to see my son for the first time in 1 year, 1 month, and two days. I am very excited and happy about this.

I went to the 6:30 meeting yesterday morning and that room erupted in applause when I shared that my son was on his way home - just like the group on Friday night. I am so grateful for the people who have kept my son and I close to their hearts in the last year - including you bloggers. THANK YOU.

I spent yesterday sprucing up the house. I rearranged the furniture on my deck and bought some new flowers. I put Christmas lights on some trees outside for a more festive touch for my son's homecoming. It felt so wonderful to be getting ready for this long awaited occasion.

Now I have to clean out my trunk. They search your car on the way into the Army base, and I might as well make it easy for them...

"We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105

Saturday Morning

I love Saturday Mornings. It is not even light out yet and I am sitting here contemplating my day. I have already had my prayer and meditation, and now I am sipping the first cup of coffee of the day. I am going to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting and see my pals.

Last night at the 5:30 meeting, the room erupted in applause when I shared that my son is on his way home. It is so special that these men and women have taken my son, who they have never met, into their hearts. After the meeting a few people talked to me and expected that I would be so excited that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Well, the exact opposite is happening. I am so RELIEVED that all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I have been on the edge of a very sharp place for the last 13 months, and I feel so relieved and relaxed now that I know my son is out of Iraq that I am suddenly very very tired.

I have so much wonderful stuff to do today. I will drive down to Colorado Springs tomorrow to see him. I got the oil changed last night and I will wash the car today. I think he will be home in a week or less, so I need to get everything ready for my son. My son. Oh my God, that has a beautiful sound to it.

"we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

Good News on Friday Morning

My son called yesterday and is no longer in Iraq! He is on his way home! I will get to see him on Sunday! There is a homecoming celebration at a nearby Army base, we will drive there to see him on Sunday. He will debrief for a few days and then be home. I feel like I can breathe for the first time since July 10, 2006. Praise God. I am just giddy about this.

I am so grateful for the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have watched women be utterly destroyed by this interminable year when their sons are gone to war. My first sponsor (who stopped going to meetings) started drinking again and had a heart attack when her son was in Iraq. I have a co-worker whose hair has gone totally white while her son was in Iraq. I am blessed to have a fellowship and a program that works in good times and bad. I have been given a way to live, one day a time, dealing with life in small increments, having trust and faith in a loving God who will always take care of me, no matter what happens. And I have thrown myself into the loving arms of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Individual people may disappoint or not come through, but the fellowship as a whole is always there, I can trust the fellowship and trust that there is always someone there "for me" even if it is a person just coming off a drunk - and I need to be reminded of how good sober life is.

I am going to go out and run now. And what a glorious morning for it!

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 101

Now THAT'S a heel!

I was wearing these shoes on Tuesday morning when I accompanied my friend to the ER. One of the nurses came and leaned way over Larry to ask him how he was doing... he was very weak, laying flat on his back, with oxygen, IVs, blood pressure cuff, pulse oximeter, monitors of every sort, etc. In response, he whispered, "did you look at Mary's shoes?" A man who can appreciate a fine pair of brown patent leather open toed 3 1/2 inch heels is a good man... especially if he is nearly dying at the time! He obviously knows what is important!

I hope you all know I am being way OVER the TOP here.

Have a great sober day, whether you are in your bare feet, in hush puppies, converse all stars, a pair of flats, some simple loafers, walkin' shoes, running shoes, hiking boots, work boots, flip flops, or a fine pair of high heeled shoes! Just put one foot in front of the other and trudge the road....

"We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

A ride in an ambulance

Makes you forget about your headache.

Yesterday at the 6:30 meeting, my friend Larry (who I love) looked like he was having a heart attack. He had gone to the bathroom, and when he came out, my friend Holly (who I love) was sitting by the door of the meeting room and saw him about to pass out. She left the meeting and called him an ambulance. She then came back in the meeting room and announced "Can someone come and sit with Larry while I wait for the ambulance?" The ENTIRE ROOM stood up and started heading for the door. She then said "NOT EVERYONE... Mary, please come." So I went and sat with Larry. The EMTs were so cute. They asked us if we knew his last name, and then thought about where they were (an AA club) and said "you probably don't know his last name." But I did, and I could even spell it, which is a big deal if you knew what it was! Then I rode in the ambulance to the hospital with him. I thought it was also cute that they asked him if he had been drinking this morning, or last night, or if he had used any "recreational drugs." I can't believe how tacky I am to take a picture with my cell phone while riding in an ambulance, with my friend fading in and out of consciousness in the back.

Larry got to the hospital and got an EKG (which tells you nothing when you have a pacemaker), a chest X-ray, blood work, etc. The bottom line is that they don't know what happened. They wanted to admit him, but he, the alcoholic that he is, said he wanted to go home, and they let him because he looked perfectly fine, after having oxygen and IV fluids for a couple of hours.

I met his son, and fell in love with him. This young man walked into the ER, in his Army uniform - just like my son's - with Larry's last name emblazoned across his chest, a 30 year old handsome Italian-American man. My daughter Laura needs to meet him, because I NEED for him to be my son-in-law... if only so I can look at him more often!

I am so grateful to have friends like Larry and that I get to meet their handsome sons, that I have friends like Holly who deeply care about us, that I go to an AA group where the ENTIRE ROOM stands up when someone needs help, and that I get to be a part of it all. I am so blessed. There was a time when someone like Holly would have announced "Someone come and help - anyone BUT Mary." Because every single thing was about ME!

From being in AA these years, I have learned that there are very few things that are about ME. And when I know that, I get to just be a part of God's Creation, and I get to just love people without worrying whether I am getting back in equal proportion. Life is so much better this way. Thanks to a loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AA's Twelve Steps." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Sufferin' Succotash

Some cartoon character used to say that, I don't have a clue which one. I was such a serious child, I never liked cartoons and still don't. But there are things I heard in my youth that still bounce around my brain... like "sufferin' succotash."

After my race on Sunday, I took a nap. When I woke up, I had an excruciating migraine headache. I managed to live through Sunday, got some sleep and woke up yesterday still suffering from the migraine. I went to work anyway. I didn't post yesterday because I was hurting too bad. I came straight home from work and tried to be very quiet. I slept last night and again this morning, I woke up with the damn migraine. I used to get three day migraines about once a month. I know I can survive this and odds are, tomorrow I will wake up without a headache.

Yesterday was a hard day at work. I got several doses of news that were hard to take. Maybe it would have been easier without the headache. I wish I were less invested in my career. I wish I didn't care that others seem to be getting the promotions that I thought would surely be mine some day.

I am off to a meeting this morning. I haven't been to one since Saturday morning and that is too long for me. Perhaps I will gain some perspective there - I usually do.

"Above all, take it one day at a time." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 11

Another Triathlon Finished

There's my medal that I got as I crossed the finish line. It was a good race. I really hit the wall in the bike portion, which has traditionally been my best part. I don't have my times yet, but I am quite certain I did not beat my last year's time. I know that I gave it absolutely every thing I had today though and that is a good feeling.

When I crossed the finish line, I was utterly done - breathing like a locomotive, needing a drink of water, needing to fall over basically. The first tent I saw had some food, as I reached for some, I was told that it was for "survivors". I am glad that the breast cancer survivors have first choice, but it took me a while to find some freaking water. In that time I was thinking - (not to minimize the trials that breast cancer survivors have been though - honest) - you people have no idea what I have survived to be here participating in a triathlon today.

I am a 55 year old female alcoholic. Believe me, this is terminal old age for a female drunk. The fact that I am alive and sober and able to go out and do crazy ass stuff like half-marathons and triathlons is nothing short of miraculous. No one else has to understand that, but I know it deep in my heart, and I have a feeling most of you do too.

I am grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"We who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133

Here's the dealio yo

I didn't wake up until 5:45 this morning! And since I missed the 5:30 meeting last night, I definitely wanted to go to the 6:30 this morning. So I brushed my teeth, made a cup of coffee in my travel press, threw on some clothes, and beat it the heck out of here. I sat through a meeting, wondering what the hell people were talking about. I don't think I was awake enough to be there.

And then sometimes it is just good for me to sit and wonder what they are talking about. And it is also good for me to see the clusters of people talking and feel left out. Because it reminds me of what a new person must feel when they listen to us and our AA jargon. And to feel left out of the group is a great reminder that I must always be more aware of people needing help in an AA meeting than being aware of which of my friends are there - and what we are going to do after the meeting.

So it is all good!

I am going to leave here in a minute to go to the race expo for tomorrow's triathlon. I will pick up my race packet and probably buy some stuff I can't live without!

"I came to AA solely for the purpose of sobriety, but it has been through AA that I have found God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd ed.), p. 192

2 Days

Till my Triathlon. Yikes. I need to get out for a quick 3 mile run this morning and I am still sitting here trying to wake up. I think Scott gave me the answer to why I was up half the night - one stupid Diet Coke at noon with lunch yesterday. I used to drink Diet Pepsi all day long, but I gave it up for lent and decided not to start that bad habit again after Easter... so now I have no tolerance whatsoever for caffeine. I don't drink, don't smoke, or drink diet soda, but I do drink 1 or 2 cups of coffee in the morning. I have turned into some kind of wholesome person!

Yesterday I had an awful meeting and felt picked on for an hour and a half. Afterwards, I went into my boss' office and told him how I felt. I usually will sit on it for 24 hours so I don't say anything I regret or have to make amends for. But yesterday I decided not to wait. And I am glad. He is a psychiatrist, and I started out by saying that I was upset - but I kept it all to "I" messages. I didn't talk about what he did, I talked about how "I" felt. At the end of a half hour, we were both laughing, and he thanked me for coming and talking with him.

So, I get to go out and run. And I will get home, get ready for work, go to work, go to visit my friend Larry at lunch, and go to an AA meeting tonight. I am very blessed, even when I am tired.

"We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Riding

Riding a bike is one of my favorite things in the world. During a beautiful sunrise ride in the fleeting coolness of a summer morning, I feel the nearness of my Creator.

And now I am off to church for an hour of silent prayer. Then a full day of work. Then an AA meeting. Then I get to come home and go to bed and thank God for another sober day.

"We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was part of our make-up. Sometimes we had to search persistently, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55

Searches

It seems that if you keep a blog long enough, and post every single day, your blog will come up in a search for just about anything. I checked my site meter to see what searches have brought people to my blog and was amazed by just looking at the last 10 or so. They are:

• slutty granddaughters
• alcoholic
• HALT hungry angry lonely tired
• steppism
• alcoholics anonymous cliques
• HALT hungry angry tired
• I don't love mondays
• hungry angry lonely tired
• anonymous alcoholic
• pedicure statistics from the big book 2006

Holy cow. On some of these I really wonder what the hell someone is looking for. I hope to God they were disappointed by my blog. The other thing that I find disconcerting is that comments also go into searches, so I may change my policy about leaving offensive comments as is. Steppism was mentioned by a lunatic AA hater a few months ago who visited most of our blogs - and so my blog comes up for this thing.

I am tired this morning. I should be out running and I just don't feel like it. My race is on Sunday. I will try to go to the pool after work and take a swim. I can do that.

"As a group we do not enter into public controversy, because we are sure that our Society will perish if we do." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 262