Baby, it's cold outside. Yesterday it snowed and snowed and snowed. It is pretty but this is unusual weather for Denver, and I am ready for it to be over.
I had a fabulous time with my friend last night. We went to a really wonderful restaurant and had a great meal. Here is what I had: an appetizer of a brie quesadilla with poached pears, followed by an entree of trout almondine, and then desert! bread pudding with caramel sauce! Oh yes! This was good. It was fun to reminisce with my old friend but weird to realize he remembers more about my life than I do!
Also strange to have that old feeling of admiring someone who kept the same basic trajectory all his life - he changed his major in college, but kept going - he liked booze and drugs and his student lifestyle, so he stayed in college until he got his doctorate. He liked one of his old colleges so when they offered him a teaching job, he went. He has advanced to the point that he is now a tenured professor at a prestigious university and a world renowned person of his profession who has had many papers published, etc. He had two glasses of wine with dinner and got a bit giddy - definitely NOT the kind of drinking I understand. Not the kind of life I understand either. I hope you can see that I mean this in no way as a criticism of him, or even of me... just observation on how different lives are when alcoholism is involved. We both got misty eyed when we said goodnight. I ran back in my house and cried. I wish the people in my life were not scattered to the four winds. I wish I could see him more often than every seventeen years or so.
So today I got up and went to church which was wonderful. I am now home and ready for a day of football viewing. I am taking another friend out for dinner tonight for his birthday. Thankfully he is an AA member, so we speak the "language of the heart" and understand one another perfectly. And I will miss the Broncos game tonight - now THAT is true devotion to a friend! (but I will have it on TiVo just in case I really, really need to see it)
Yesterday at the 7:30 a.m. meeting, three different people told me that I am their "hero". I always shake my head and smile and sort of roll my eyes when people say stuff like that. But I am so grateful that I have people in my life who care about me and really know me. Because none of those people think I am so stellar because of my perfect lady-like deportment or my eloquent language. They think I am something else because of some challenge in my life, like having my husband beat the shit out of me, and the fact that I just kept coming back... and didn't wallow in it. Or that with over 10 years of sobriety, I sold my car and went without a car for a year or so, so that I could pay off my child-support. Or just being there with a smile and a kind word (and sometimes a pretty rough word or two.) I guess I am trying to say that I will probably never be considered a great success by worldly values, but hopefully I have made a difference in the lives of a few alcoholics. And I couldn't ask for any more than that.
"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- AA Comes of Age , p. 46