trickery

Sometimes I have to do whatever I can do to trick myself into feeling better. I was so discouraged yesterday about many things, but what really fed it was that I woke up too late to take a run. Running is my anti-depressant. It helps me physically, emotionally, and mentally. When I am not getting exercise, I tend to fall into traps of thinking that lead me into unhappiness.

At a little after 11 o'clock yesterday, I realized that I didn't need to be anywhere for an hour or so, so I drove home, put on my running clothes and went out for a three mile run. Oh, it was glorious. The sun was shining, it was in the 40ºs, and I was outdoors! At noon! It was great. I then came back home, cooled off a bit, and threw my work clothes back on and went back to work. Now, I didn't look absolutely terrific, but I don't really care. It was a great break in my day, and I didn't mind staying at work till 6:00 because I had already taken care of myself that day.

I am going to go to the 6:30 meeting this morning. Something came up on my blog yesterday that I would like to write about, but it would more time than I have this morning. I should keep a little log of items I want to write about, because I do forget about them.

Let's stay sober another day, shall we?

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

I am again having sleeping difficulty - I was up half the night and then slept until 6:30 a.m. -which is crazy late for me. I have no time for a run - even if the streets and sidewalks were not coated in an inch or two of ice... which they are.

Yesterday I told one of my co-workers about the situation with my daughter and granddaughters. When I saw the horror on her face, I realized that once again I have become accustomed to a reality that is almost too terrible to consider. She asked me, "how long have you been going through this?" and I said "oh, a year, I guess." Really, I felt like a moron who doesn't have the sense to care about her daughter and granddaughters. I do care, very deeply. But I also know that I cannot make my daughter quit using meth. I cannot make life OK for my granddaughters... they are being cared for by their father and grandfather (my ex). If I were a millionaire, I would take both of the grandchildren, quit my job, and raise another set of children. As it is, I am peddling as fast as I can to support myself, pay off my student loans, and build a retirement so that I am not a burden on my children in my old age. That sounds selfish, but I don't think it is.

I find that life is not black and white, good and bad. I find that it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it depends on which side of the bed I get up on... and then I can go back to the drawing board and start it all over again. I have been to hell and back with this daughter - since 1993. Can I live my entire life being consumed with worry and grief? no. I will not. But throw grandchildren in the mix and the worry really becomes, well, worrisome.

Anyway, I sit in AA meetings and listen to people say they have "broken the cycle" and their children will not have a problem because they got sober "in time." And I just smile.

I guess I am fortunate that I have no occasion to sit back and be satisfied with myself. I can be grateful to God for whatever blessings he has given me - like my sobriety. But to feel that I have accomplished something - when so many can't - would just be rude and ungrateful to God - I think.

Misery

Misery is what I did this past weekend. I woke up this morning without the headache and I am so very grateful for that. I wish I still had a day off to enjoy though. Yesterday it the temperature was over 60º, it was sunny and beautiful, and I spent the day on the sofa. Oh well. Last night I woke up and heard a strange sound - it was rain! Rain in February is rare here in Colorado - our winter precipitation is snow. I love the sound of rain, it was very nice.

Last evening, I tried to watch the Acadamy Awards (via telephone) with my former b.f., and current friend. I didn't even feel well enough to do that. We watched it "together" last year and I really enjoyed his commentary. I guess everything changes. That relationship certainly did. Once again, I can thank God that things did not work out the way I wanted. If I had gotten my way, I would be stuck married to a man from whom I would have to be considering a divorce. Oh, please, I never want to do that again!

This morning I am meeting a sponsee at the 6:30 meeting and then we will do the 3rd step. Oh, how I love the 3rd step. Then I shall work all day. Then I shall go to Biblical School tonight.

It will be another good day to stay sober.

Migraine

Thank you for your concern. I have a migraine. It is one of the worst I have ever had. I managed to run 8 miles yesterday, then came home and went to bed. As soon as I fell asleep, the Fraternal Order of Police called to ask for a donation, when I said I had a migraine, the young earnest man said "Oh, this will only take a second." I hung up on him... I haven't hung up on anyone in years. I never went back to sleep. I did go to church last night, I thought it might be soothing in a way to sit in a quiet place with a community of people. It was.

When I came home from church, I layed in bed and prayed not to throw up. I managed to fall asleep without vomiting. I was up in the night and took some more motrin. This morning I didn't wake up until 6:30, disappointed to still have the headache. But I threw on some clothes and went to the 6:30 meeting - late.

Then I went out for coffee with the ladies. One of my beloved sponsees, who is a nurse, told me to get Exedrin Migraine... so I did. Now I hope it works.

A couple of people, including one of my favorite bloggers, have suggested that I am getting the flu - I don't know what is going on. I just know that this headache is one of the worst I have ever had, and I am sicker than usual from it. So, who knows?

Sorry to be so self-centered today. It is hard to see outside of yourself when your head feels like a painful prison.

Saturday Afternoon

This is a picture from my run this morning. Although I felt like crap, I managed to run 8 miles. In record (slow) time. I then went to the grocery store and felt like I was going to be sick... it felt so much like a hangover - headache and nausea.

I woke up with the headache in the middle of the night and prayed it would go away. I got up early, ate a bowl of cereal and took some motrin - then I went to the 6:30 meeting. Hoping the headache would go away, but it didn't. I drove "to" my favorite park to run in, and drove around for almost an hour - and couldn't find it. This was disconcerting as I have lived in this town for almost 24 years and have gone to this park for that long... oh well. My head hurts so bad I am having cognitive impairment.. Anyway, I just drove to a park I knew I could find and ran my 8 miles.

Now I am going to make a chicken salad sandwich with the chicken I just bought at the store... and I am going to bed.

And I am planning on staying sober today. Which is more than I can say for some of the folks who were at the meeting this morning. I hate to see people I like go out and drink. Hate it, hate it, hate it. We had a great conversation after the meeting, if I weren't so sick, I would write about it. Maybe tomorrow.

Friday Miscellanea

It is Friday Morning and I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. Something changed at work on Wednesday when I wrote that prayer. Just a simple "God help me." And it changed. Not that everything has turned rosey, but I feel different. I am not dreading going to work today and that is very different.

Last night a friend and I went to see "Spirit of the Marathon." It was an awesome movie. Very inspiring. I am psyched about running right now - even though today is not a running day for me. But I will get out there tomorrow!

Lips: What the hell is going on? For years, I have noticed on magazines that women have voluntarily mutilated their faces with these huge, puffy, lumpy, meaty looking lip implants. Now I am beginning to see these strange lips on actual people in my real world. I had a meeting the other day with a woman I have worked with since 1994. Imagine my surprise to see her suddenly have "pouty" lips. She is a woman who is somewhere around 50 years old. She has age spots! And now she has this strange expression on her face like someone just smacked her in the mouth - or she just had a car accident and hit the windshield - lips first. Ick. I don't get it.

Okay. How is that for straying far from the point of this blog?

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Thursday Morning

Yesterday was a better day at work. I was sitting in a highly charged, contentious meeting at work. I took my pad of paper, turned up some edges so that I was in the middle of the pad, and wrote "God, please help me!" The man next to me, who is my boss' boss, read it and much to my dismay, and whispered to me, "if you have a better idea, tell us what it is!"

After the meeting, I caught him in the hall and tried to explain that I was NOT writing a note to him, that my little note was meant to be a prayer. He asked me to come to his office and we chatted for a while, and I got to say and hear a bunch of stuff that needed to be said and heard. And he told me "don't worry," and he told me "I am glad you take your job so personally."

So now I am off to pray. One hour of silent prayer should be a good thing for me this morning.

Post #882

Gosh, I have been doing this blogging stuff for a while now, haven't I? I have seen a lot of people come and go in that time. Some bloggers I hope will stick around forever, and some I wait for that day when they are just a little bit too bored to keep on - as most bloggers do.

Yesterday morning I was feeling horrible. Work continues to get a little worse each week. It is extremely difficult. We are in a terrible situation, and unfortunately, that brings out the worst in people. I got a little sign for my door that says "Scatter kindness". I don't know what good that will do, but remind people (or me?) to just be kind. I went and saw a priest at lunch time for something that could be the subject of another whole post - and probably will be in the future - and on the way back, I bought cupcakes (with sprinkles) for my co-workers. I thought maybe a fattening treat would be a nice gesture. Little tiny gestures can sometimes make the difference in a person's day. I will endeavor to make as many kind gestures as I can, because it is damn ugly there right now.

I did run yesterday morning and this morning I did a new abs workout. I don't like it, but it hurts, so it must be good, right?

Gotta get ready for my day. You all have a nice one, OK?

Tuesday Back to Work

I am going to go out and run TODAY. I didn't ever get around to it yesterday. I did, however, go swimming - which was nice. But today, I am going to run. Really.

Yesterday I had several revelations I could have written about here, but can I think of any this morning? no.

My little corner of the world looks pretty good this morning. I wish it was spring. But the sun is shining, the clouds are few and pink. It is over 20 º, which is my cut-off for running. So I will go hit it. Sorry I have nothing to say today. (Thanks to Scott W. for telling me how to make a degree sign!)
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Sorry, I have been forced to use comment moderation again. I refuse to allow my blog to be used as a platform for hateful, insane, hyperreligious hyperbole.

Presidents' Day

I get this Monday holiday off, and I am extremely grateful for that today. I need a day off. I wish I had nothing to do, but alas, that is not my story. But at least I have no where I have to be until 7 o'clock tonight.

Yesterday I got to see one of my nephews. He was in town to visit with his wife's sister. I invited them over for a Sunday dinner. I ended up with nine people here for dinner - with an hour and a half to figure out what to cook and cook it. I managed to get it all done before they walked in the door and we had a fabulous time. It was great to see my little house so full of people.

I just went to my 6:30 a.m. meeting and then met with a sponsee afterward. It was lovely.

Now I need to go out in the cold morning and run. I SO don't want to. I do not know how to get my motivation back - it is simply gone. My back hurts and I want to go back to bed, not go out and run.

Snowing

I was sitting in a 6:30 meeting this morning, and looked out the window and saw (another) freaking blizzard. My plan for today WAS to go to the meeting and then run for the first time since February 6. But it is snowing.

So I went out for a bagel with the girls. We took up the whole back room of a bagel joint. It was so nice. I think there were 12 of us there.

So here is my question du jour. A woman who has been in and out and in and out and in and out over the last three years has been doing very well for about the last month. She looks and sounds different than she did - you know that magic you see in a person... it is wonderful. Another woman recently drank and was talking about her fear about raising her hand and being honest about her relapse. The older "slipper" told her not to worry about what others thought, and said "F*** them if they can't take a joke." Another member, sober now 6 years and the self-appointed expert on any subject, who annoys me a little more each day, got all over her. Told her that Alcoholism isn't a joke and she should stop thinking it is.... on and on... she browbeat this poor woman. Another older woman and I intervened on her behalf -but the other person would NOT drop it.

So on the way out of the restaurant I wanted to talk to Ms. 6 years-expert-of-the-world and tell her to stop browbeating newcomers. My friend encouraged me to do so. But I thought I better sit on it for at least a day. I am tired and not really in the best place, I am not sure I would be able to deliver this message with love. In fact, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to.

Why can't we just be loving of one another? Why can't we just let newcomers be who they are? Why can't we just be on the same level playing field? No one is the expert in AA... we are all just sober, by the Grace of God, for today. Period. Why do we have to lord it over others?

In the words of one of my favorite philosophers:
"Can we all get along?"
Rodney King - May 1, 1992

Friday Night

I thought I would try something radical and post at night instead of the morning. I have school tomorrow. I am a tad resentful about this. I want a weekend off. I want to go to the meeting tomorrow morning. I am also very conflicted about all of this. I wanted to teach. I was excited about it. I actually like it - when I am there. But I don't like adding another day of work to my week.

I just went to a potluck dinner with the women of my AA group. It was fun. It was nice to sit around on a Friday night with so many people I love. Don't get the wrong idea - some of them I am not really that fond of, but I really really love them.

One of them told me tonight that a new guy said today that he really wishes I was at the meeting more often (that makes at least 2 of us!) because he always gets so much out of what I say in the meeting. My friend offered that I am hysterically funny about 80% of the time, and the other 20% of the time things suck. She said that is how she can tell that the 80% is the real truth. That was high praise.

I don't think my funnyness comes through in this blog. That is always the first thing that people notice about me - my sense of humor. So I have found through this blog that I am OK without much humor. That is good news.

I am a tired, worn out sober alcoholic woman. I am a runner who hasn't run in 10 days. I have not been to a meeting since Monday. I have a long distance relationship I don't talk about - but due to weather I haven't seen him since Christmas Day.

But as I said this morning, This Too Shall Pass.

Time Problems

I have been late for work every day this week. I am entirely sure I will be very late again today. I didn't wake up until 6:30. I am sitting here, thinking - gee I really need to get a move on... but here I sit. I did this yesterday. I am a salaried employee and it really does not matter that I am not there at the crack of 8:00 a.m., but still, it bothers me. And let me hasten to assure you that I put in more than 40 hours each week. But still, I COULD get there on time - if I really wanted to, and apparently I don't.

I am feeling really tired and I don't want to go to work today. I especially don't want to spend all day tomorrow in a classroom. I just want to sit and do nothing. Maybe take a run in the cold morning sun, but there is not time. This too shall pass...

Key Lime Pie

Last night as I was preparing to make several key lime pies, I thought it looked so pretty, I took a picture. I really miss HNT. I realize there is no naked body part, so it isn't HNT, and that is why I stopped participating in HNT. It turned into photos of dogs, no human body parts, no interesting, creative posing, just dogs.
UPDATE: I posted a photo on the OLD HNT site. http://half-naaked.blogspot.com/

Anyway, as I was baking these pies (for a Valentine's Day potluck at work today), I remembered my very first day of sobriety. I was waiting to go to my first meeting. I was quite sick. I was worried that my husband would be mad at me, so I decided to make a key lime pie. I must have thrown away a dozen eggs. On that day, I just could not get the concept of egg whites in one bowl and yolks in the other, so I kept mixing them up. Then I would throw them away, and start over.... again and again.

I am grateful that today I can coordinate a complex procedure such as separating egg whites from egg yolks. Life is so much easier without being drunk or hungover. It is amazing to me that I managed to drink like a fish for 18 years. What a nightmare.

I am now off to church in a blizzard. It is scary out there.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my sweetest blogging friends.

Rigorous Honesty

What does Rigorous Honesty mean to you?

Yesterday a sponsee called with a problem. She did something she wasn't supposed to do. She asked me if she had to tell her boss. I urged her to pray for God's guidance and the strength to carry it out. I did tell her that I thought she probably needed to come clean with her boss, even though she may lose her job, because the path to dishonesty is one of small incremental dishonesty. Lies of omission. Just tweaking the truth. Telling a "white" lie. Just telling a little lie. Then telling a bigger lie. Then because you got away with the lie, telling more lies. And then needing a little drink because you feel so bad about yourself.

I remember when I was in my first year of sobriety, I worked at a large insurance brokerage firm. I worked in "small accounts." They were mostly lawyers. I had to call a lawyer one Friday afternoon and tell him that I had made a huge mistake on his policy, and it had pretty serious consequences for him. He told me that he appreciated my honesty, but what the hell was I going to do about it? He was not nice. I went to a meeting that night and told my group that this 'rigorous honesty' crap was a bunch of nonsense. It didn't work in the real world. You couldn't go around admitting you were wrong in business - especially with lawyers!

I got the problem with his account worked out in the next week. And about a week later, the CEO of the company brought me a copy of a letter the lawyer had written to him. He wrote a letter to the CEO about how wonderful I was! He appreciated my honesty and my work to get my error straightened out! I took the letter and made a reduced size copy, until it was about the size of a business card, I laminated it, and put it in my wallet. I carried that thing around with me for years as a reminder that rigorous honesty does work in the real world!

The price of dishonesty is too high for alcoholics. People at work are sometimes dismayed at the fact that I will admit when I am wrong. I will even take my share of responsibility when others are wrong. It has lately not served me well. I don't care. The price of doing otherwise is my life.

What does rigorous honestly mean to you?

Tuesday Morning

The photo is only to remind me that things WILL unfreeze, trees will bloom again, and I will again be able to take a bike ride at Waterton Canyon. I will, I tell you, I will! It also serves as a reminder to be grateful that my new cell phone has a 2 megapixel camera, so now when I take photos from my runs and bike rides, they will be of a higher quality than the one above.

I also just have to say that it appears that I am being scapegoated at work. I hate to utter those words because I have been working at the same place for 13 and a half years, and for most of that time I have loved it. Right now I am not loving it. Every day I have to remind myself that if I get my ego out of the way, I will be just fine. I know what the truth is and that is all that matters. I know that I am competent and hard-working. If I am a convenient target, I can just tell the truth in the least defensive way possible. And know in my heart, deeply in my soul, that God has me firmly in his hand.

It is very tiring though.

"We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55

Feelin' Fine

I am so glad I took Friday off because I feel fine today. It took me three days of doing virtually nothing to get to feeling fine. This week, I have Biblical School tonight, and the remaining nights, I have not one thing planned. I am meeting with a sponsee who just started a new job and can no longer come over in the evening... so we are meeting at the 6:30 meeting this morning.

I am so excited about having "nothing" to do this week! Yippeeee!

I can see that I seriously need a vacation, when even three days off gives me a new perspective. Work has been incredibly difficult. I have had too many women to sponsor. I find teaching satisfying, but extremely exhausting - I am not sure I think it is worth it. Training for a marathon is pretty tiring for a 56 year old woman. In other words, I am really, really tired.

So today I will go meet my sponsee. We will read Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, and discuss as we go. I will go to work and try to give it 100% of my attention, my skills, and my abilities. I will go to Biblical School tonight and get filled back up. It is wonderful to sit there and see this mysterious book come to life for me. It is truly life altering and very very nurturing.

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 43

What hope looks like to me:

Do you see the tiny little tulip bud just below the snow? That thing is springing out of the ground in the faith, against all evidence, that it will be spring again, and it will have sunshine and all that it needs to survive.
A hummingbird nest in the tree in front of my house... it hopefully awaits the return of those beautiful little birds in the spring.

Winter is a hard time in Colorado. The beginning of it is always joyful for me. But around this time of the year, it is just dark, depressing, and difficult. It is difficult to run. It is impossible to ride a bike. It is too much trouble to go swimming (even indoors.)

I know that the day will again come when this dreary feeling will be gone. My neighbor and I just stood outside and made our plans for our annual trip to the greenhouse - to purchase our flowers, plants, maybe even a tree! The trip isn't until the first weekend in May, but we both look forward to it - even though it is nearly 3 months away.

I slept until 7:30 this morning. I never sleep this late. The phone rang and I spent over an hour talking with a good friend who is going through a difficult time. God Bless Him.

I am feeling much better, and it is sunshiney and in the 50s outside, so I am fighting the urge to go outside and run. But I am going to force myself to wait until Tuesday. I will be more careful in my running now. I do not want to have this kind of pain again, it was unpleasant!

And I want to thank the few bloggers who continue to comment on my blog. I do appreciate you.

Saturday go to meetin'

I am looking forward to my Saturday morning meeting this morning. I went to a disturbing meeting last night. It is held at my church, so I frequently have the temptation to go there. But every time I do, I think I won't again. There was a drunk woman there last night, she was very disruptive and wouldn't shut up. They, being a nice clean group who sits around talking about their "high bottoms", didn't have a clue how to handle the situation. And when my friend did handle it, she got lambasted in the meeting by the "nice" people who don't like "cross-talk." Excuse me? When a drunk person will not shut up, someone needs to tell them to be quiet. And if, while sharing in a meeting, you are telling someone else that what they did was "cross-talk," isn't THAT "cross-talk?"

So I will happily go to my home group where they know what to do with a newcomer. Where there are strong "pillars" of the group. Where you don't get the feeling that the whole thing is about to conflagrate.

My ex-husband who had spent years in alanon (prior to marrying me), used to call it "removing myself from the situation." It would be silly (and dangerous) for me to continue to attend the group where I feel so uncomfortable. I can easily just not go there. I live in a major metropolitan area. There are over 1,000 meetings a week in this metro area. I don't need to go to one I don't like.

Update on my hip/leg/knee/tibialis/ankle pain. It still hurts like hell. But I think I know now that the pain is actually coming from my left acetabulum. I will likely go to my doctor on Monday, unless I get some miraculous relief from the pain this weekend. But it hasn't happened yet. When you are a runner, it doesn't make sense to run to the doc with every pain, because you get lots of them, and most of them resolve themselves. But when rest doesn't get rid of the pain, there is something going on. That is why I wanted to take three days of rest to see what happens. 1 down, 2 to go. We shall see.... Thanks for your prayers. I do appreciate them.

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 116

A Friday Off

After I got my big deal done yesterday and all approved and put to bed, so to speak, I talked to my boss about taking today off. He was fine with that, as I knew he would be.

I am in so much pain, I am not really clear on what is going on. I think it might be that I am so tired that my body just can't take it any more. So, this weekend I have three days off. I don't have anything on a schedule or calendar, or even in my mind, to do. I may get to the pool at the club, and I might hit the hot tub. Maybe.

I had hoped to get to a meeting this morning, but the pain woke me up at 2:30 and I have been awake since. I just ate a bowl of cereal and took a motrin and hope to get back to bed and sleep for a few hours. I will go to a meeting tonight, which is held at my church, and coincides with a fish dinner and some other church function.... if I feel better I will go to all of that.

Yesterday my trouble daughter called me at work (which always frightens me), and asked if she and my beautiful granddaughter could come over to my house after work. After I said yes, she called her brother and he came over too! I felt so crappy I didn't cook, so we ordered pizza and sat around and talked and got Olivia's homework done. It was a wonderful evening.

A couple of people have asked me questions this week - I will answer them now:
How do you fire a sponsor? You tell that person, in the nicest way possible, that this is not working out, that you have found someone else you think would work out better, or whatever your reason is for not wanting that sponsor anymore. My sponsee on Tuesday said that she felt that I was too busy, she didn't want to meet on Tuesdays because she has a meeting she wants to attend on Tuesday and I didn't have any other time for her. So she will ask someone else to be her sponsor.

What is a caucus? It is sort of a public meeting - where you raise your hand to be counted for the presidential candidate you want to be the nominee from your party. Very over simplistic, but in a nut shell, that is what it is. I was in a classroom in an elementary school with 46 other people of my party from my precinct. It was kind of crazy. But very cool to be part of the process.

If you're the praying type, please say a prayer for me, OK. This pain is really coloring my world an ominous shade of gray.

Thursday Morning

It is very early. Again, I have four minutes to write.

The picture is from my run yesterday morning. I went out just as day was breaking. It was 15 degrees and a beautiful morning in a special Colorado kind of way. The air is very special when it's a mile high and crisp and dry. I spent the rest of the day in pain. I don't know why I felt great after a 7 mile run on Sunday, but was dying after a 2 mile run on Wednesday.

So, I am off to church. Then I have another very full day ahead. If things go well, a lot of pressure should be off of me after today. I have a huge presentation to make, and believe me, I have gotten all "prayed up" on this one!

Have a great sober day everyone.

6 Minutes

Let's see how much I can write in 6 minutes.... I have to get out of here for a run... then I need to go to church because it is Ash Wednesday... then I need to work all day... then I have NOTHING to do tonight after work! Nada! Zip!

Last night a sponsee I have written about here came over. I have been praying every day that I given insight into what to do with her. Last night she fired me!! Woo Hoo!!! YAY!!! And then there were 2. And I am not going to call the women I have told "no" and say "Hey! I have one hour of my life free - let's fill it up!"

Then I went to the caucus. It was nice to be a part of the process, but I thought the company I was keeping was kind of scary. Maybe I am not aligned with the right party? I like to actually think things through and not talk in slogans and one line zingers. I guess I will pray about this too!

God sure does a splendid job of running my life - if I will calm down and let Him!

Snowy Super Tuesday

I took this photo while driving home from Biblical School last night. It was and is scary out there. Now I just looked out the window and imagine my surprise to see my neighbor shoveling my sidewalk!

Did you ever not notice how corrosive something was until it was gone? I had a neighbor who was a friend of mine. She met "Mr. Right" (number 4) and then I was no longer on her radar as a friend or even acquaintance. She moved away a few months ago, and suddenly the whole neighborhood has changed. She had created such ill will that the ill will extended to me because I was her friend. Suddenly, now that she is gone, people I just thought were kind of jerky are nice to me! It is a much more pleasant place now that she is gone. People can park where they want without being yelled at, notes left on their cars, or other ridiculous behavior. She had such a thing about cars not parking in front of her house that once she actually got into car parked in front of her house and let off the parking brake and let it roll until it was in front of someone else's house.

Anyway, what a nice thing it is to see that someone shoveled my sidewalk. Not just because now I don't have to do it. It is such an act of kindness. I feel all warm inside knowing that the neighbor who didn't talk to me for 5 or 6 years just shoveled my sidewalk!

Tonight I have a sponsee coming over at 5, then I am heading out of here at 6:30 for my first caucus. Right now the idea of being active all day until 9 o'clock p.m. just does not appeal. I wish I could work until, say, noon, come home and take a nap and THEN maybe get ready for my evening activities.

I am a tired girl. This teaching is kicking my butt. Working 6 days a week and then having homework is hard. Add to that, I am TAKING a class every week, and that I am training to run a marathon... and my job is in high gear... I am tired and feel quite old. The class I am teaching will be over in a month and I am happy about that.

"Here we learned that trouble was really a fact of life for everybody -- a fact that had to be understood and dealt with. Surprisingly, we found that our troubles could, under God's grace, be converted into unimagined blessings." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 110

Hope

My pals Pammie and Scott both wrote about hope this morning. I thought I would too.

Pam wrote about her daughter wanting to hear something in a meeting that gives her hope. Not a bunch of people sitting around talking about the good old days. Projecting my own experience on this, and not really knowing what she was talking about, I will go with the concept of people talking about the good old days in AA, and not sharing about what the hell is going on in their lives.

It is the strangest thing to sit in a meeting and realize that the "old-timers" in the meeting are sober not as long as I am. They sit and puff up their chests and talk about " the old club," and "the old people" and the old events of 20 years ago. They talk about remembering other people's kids when they were little, and other people when they "came in." When this happens, I just try to keep my mouth shut. I am limited to sharing my OWN experience, strength, and hope. That's it.

I love to hear the drunkalogues. Unlike a lot of people, I love the drinking stories. It reminds us of why we bother to go to all these meetings!

But then I think we should move into - what happened, and what we are like now. We don't stop with what we were like in our first 90 days or year - and talk about that for the rest of our lives. My ex-husband used to have a little saying about people like that - he would say "He has a good year of sobriety - he has just repeated it for the last X number of years."

Sometimes I feel like a moron for sharing from my heart about what it is REALLY like for me today. I did not graduate from AA. Unlike many others with over 20 years of sobriety, I did not elevate to some higher form of recovery where I come to tell you all what to do. I am part of the fellowship of AA. Part of. Not above, not below. Just right in there with all of us.

There are those who love to hear from the old-timers who talk about the old days and never tell you that their marriage is falling apart, they are about to go bankrupt, and their kids hate them. I guess as long as they are helping someone, they playing an important role in our fellowship. But I would rather share my own true story. Some don't think that is hopeful - they fully expect to elevate to a higher life form after a number of years of sobriety.

I think the most hopeful thing I can say is: For over 23 years, no matter what has happened, good or bad, I have not found it necessary to take a drink of alcohol. Is there more than that? Yes. My life is very good today, many dreams have been realized in my life, and my life is very full. But am I just as sober if my life is falling apart and I am still not taking a drink? Yes. I had many years where my life was basically a nightmare, and I still did not take a drink - and that to me speaks volumes about the true hope of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Super Bowl Sunday

I went for a seven mile run after the meeting and coffee this morning. I went to a park with extensive trails on which to run. It was really fun. I am only hurting a little bit (so far).

I am looking forward to doing not much else today. Yesterday I had school all day, then I went to church, then I went to a social event for my AA group. It was all good stuff, but I am simply tired. I really need a day or two off.

So, who's going to win the Super Bowl? Wouldn't it be something if the Giants won? If I were a betting woman, I would put a few bucks on that. But I am not a betting woman, and those of you who are betting people probably realize why - after reading that last sentence.

Have a great sober Sunday everyone. Lots of people will get DUIs today and end up in jail. Chances are, if you don't have a drink, you won't get drunk. And usually if you don't get drunk, you don't end up in jail. Usually.

Still thinking about Alaska...

Thinking about running 26.2 miles. Thinking about the training. Thinking about my nephew.

I thought long and hard about writing this here, and have decided after a couple of days of thinking about it, to share it with y'all.

The nephew who lives in Alaska is one of my favorites. I have four nephews, and I love each of them in their own way, but I am closer to a couple of them. This nephew is one I am closer to. We lived in the same small town in New Mexico when he was little - and I was younger. He got to witness a lot of my drinking.

When he called on Wednesday night - he sounded very serious. He said he wanted to talk with me about a "couple of things." The first was that he and his wife were very excited about me coming to visit. The second was: He kind of cleared his throat, his voice got kind of funny, and he told me he got a book... a "big" book. It took me a beat to realize what he was saying to me. I had no idea. I do have one or two nephews I think have drinking problems, he is not one of them. He said he hid it well... which I understand, that was the kind of drinker I was.

He is on a business trip and had a black out on Sunday night and has no idea what happened. (Oh, dear Lord, that is the worst feeling in the world, I can remember it so well!) He said his drinking has been getting worse and worse, and he had recently quit for 6 months. I told him no one other than alcoholics quit drinking - they don't need to! Anyway, he is going to be back at home this weekend and will go to his first face to face meeting. He has already picked it out of the directory.

In 2008, it is different. He has already read the big book, and doesn't even own one! He has attended a bunch of online meetings, and has a feel for the lingo and what we are about. I do believe he will attend a meeting this weekend and get serious about staying sober. You know how you can just tell when someone is done drinking? That is what he sounded like. I might just be indulging in wishful thinking for my beloved nephew, but I don't think so.

I think it is funny that I wrote on Monday morning that it was just an ordinary day, some people would be born, some would die, etc., and finally, some would come to AA and get sober. Apparently on that day, it was my sweet little (38 year old) nephew who got sober.

When these things happen to my loved ones, I think about that first meeting he will attend. And realize that every day, we see the precious loved ones of others. I always try to see that the new lady with the dirty hair is someone's daughter, someone's niece. That cute new guy with the tattoos and piercings is someone's brother. It is important. We obscure our lovableness in our years of our disease, but we need to be able to dig down and see it in others.

Such an exciting day

Yesterday I registered for the Mayor's Midnight Sun Marathon in Anchorage, Alaska on June 21, 2008 - the longest day of the year. I am so excited about this.

After a long and grueling day at work, where I nearly burst into tears of frustration at a meeting, I went to a faculty function. It was such fun to socialize with peers and people I am still coming to terms with the fact that they are my peers... former teachers, former bosses, etc. It is great fun. I spoke with the director of the program I am teaching in, and we discussed me going to Ethiopia to teach! That is about the most exciting thing ever - I am certainly not counting on this happening, but is sure is fun to think about. They need people who have the expertise to teach and the ability to take 2 or 3 weeks off to go to Ethiopia. Wow. I could do that! We'll see if it comes to pass.

I am extremely tired this morning, but I shall go out and run anyway. I am training for a Marathon!

I will get to an AA meeting tonight.

OK. I avoid politics like the plague on this blog, but I have CNN playing in the living room, while I am in my office. I can't help but notice that they cannot resist defining human beings as "A Woman and an African American!" Imagine! A WOMAN and an AFRICAN AMERICAN! Have we made NO PROGRESS AT ALL?!?!?! How about 2 candidates? 2 human beings? 2 senators? - sorry for my little outburst.

Anchorage

San Diego... Anchorage... San Diego... Anchorage... San Diego... Anchorage

I have been back and forth, and back and forth. I almost registered for the San Diego Marathon yesterday, but thought I should wait just one more day. Last night my nephew called and told me that he and his wife are really excited about me coming to Anchorage to stay with them and run the Mayor's Midnight Sun Marathon on the Summer Solstice. I said 'well, I think I might have decided not to come.' And then we talked some more... and I told him I would make a decision in the next 24 hours.

I talked with my sponsor (yes, I still do this) and she said this is a "no-brainer". Well, sometimes I just don't see the obvious. So, today I will register for the race in Anchorage. And I will call my nephew and let him know.

I am so excited! I have always wanted to go to Alaska. I have always wanted to run a marathon. I love my nephew and his wife and kids, and will love to see them.

And now I am off to church and then to the gym - and will come back home and get dressed for work, work all day, then go to a dinner for faculty of the University tonight! Me! Faculty!

And what does this have to do with being sober? Everything. I get to do stuff. The stuff of my dreams. What a deal!

None of our business?

I had a long conversation last night with a woman who shares a concern with me. We are watching a man in our group doing something that appears to be tearing him apart. She did try to talk with some people about it and was told very sharply "it is none of our business."

A few years ago we buried someone - what he had been doing was "none of our business" we had decided. After he was dead, we scratched our heads and thought that perhaps we might have said something, done something, showed our concern some way - before he was dead.

I count on my friends in AA to tell me the truth. Please, dear God, they never decide that I am none of their business. My friend and I agreed to tell each other unpleasant truths if necessary. I know my sponsor will always tell me the truth. It is ultimately the most loving thing to do.

"We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 125

I'm Late! I'm Late!

For a very important date!

I had no internet access this morning at home. I didn't wake until 5:30 and needed to be at a meeting at 6:30 - to celebrate the 1st birthday of a sponsee. One year ago today, she was in detox in Alabama. Today she was sitting, nice and clean and shining, in an AA meeting in Colorado. Very happy she is sober.

I am too busy to post anything. But wanted to let you all know I am alive, and well, and sober, and happy, and very very busy.

So glad I have friends out there, some of whom are unknown to me, who actually read this blog on a daily basis!

Happy Monday

It is Monday, January 28, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eight. Today some people will be born, some people will die, some people will meet the loves of their lives, some will lose the loves of their lives, some will get into car accidents, some will get DUIs, some will come to AA and get sober!

I am speculating that I will go to work, talk to a few people, go to a few meetings, get some work done, leave work, go to Biblical School tonight (and have my midterm exam!), come home, get into bed and thank God for another day. That is all subject to change without notice though.

I have a huge week this week, I think I have something to do every night. And next week, I am going to try to go to my first Caucus - on Super Tuesday! I am very excited about the prospect of this.

Something I really enjoy about being sober is being part of the process. I used to just complain about everything. But when you start to try to be part of the solution, you complain a lot less!

Have a great sober day everyone.

Sunday Morning

It is a Sunday Morning. It is cloudy, but warm. I have already been to a meeting and then to breakfast with the ladies from the group. It is a nice little group of about 10 of us. I used to decline their invitation almost every Sunday because restaurant breakfasts make me sick - they would say 'just have a cup of coffee,' but that is no fun! Luckily, I have a wonderful sponsee with an eating disorder who a couple of weeks ago suggested I have a bran muffin - and that is working for me!

At the meeting this morning, I just threw in a little tidbit that happened on Friday. I hadn't thought much about it, but as I told it, it made me cry! On Friday, my daughter and I had lunch at Bennigan's. Now, normally I do not go to bars. I don't think of Bennigan's as a bar. But they did seat us at the bar. As we ate, I became intrigued by the action at the bar, particularly 2 martini glasses full of a light brown fluid. The barkeep was squirting chocolate around the edges of the glasses! I asked my daughter "what the hell is THAT?" She asked me, with humor in her voice, "are we going to have to change tables so you aren't looking at the bar?" I laughed and told her I felt like the Angel Clarence in "It's a Wonderful Life" when he goes to a bar for the first time in a couple hundred years and wants a mulled cider.

But then I thought about it, and asked her if she or her brother or sister ever worry that I am going to drink again. My beautiful 28 year old daughter just said "No, we don't even remember you drinking." Imagine that! My father was sober for 10 years and I never lost the fear that he would drink again, and he did.

If all I got out of my sobriety is the fact that my kids never had that fear, it would be quite enough - more than enough. But that is not all I got. I got a life beyond my wildest dreams, too many friends to count, and happiness I never imagined. And my kids don't live in fear - at least not on my behalf!

It really is a Wonderful Life!

Wind

This is a silly video of me complaining about the wind. I didn't get much sleep last night due to howling wind all night. I am not at my best when I am suffering from lack of sleep. Fortunately, today is Saturday, and although I would have preferred the day to be productive, I can take a long nap... all afternoon... after the 6:30 meeting and my six mile run this morning.

Last night I spent over an hour on the phone with the man who is having such a hard time. I am glad I can be his friend, but it does take a toll to listen to problems that intense for such a long time. I am sure grateful it is not me.

And I surely remember the times when people would not listen to me because I was too draining. I remember a friend who told me she just couldn't be around me or "people like me." I remember what that felt like and I will not do that to another human being. We are all God's kids - we ought to treat each other as such.

There used to be cute little posters and plaques (sp? afraid I am using a medical term, not an artistic one) with "cute" pictures of kids with huge eyes, saying something like "We need love the most when we deserve it the least."

I am going to try to be a loving child of God today.

Life's full

I could complain about how busy I am. But I think I will instead be grateful for all that is in my life, because it is all a gift from God. Last night I went out for dinner with my long-time sponsee. We enjoy each other so very much. We went to a Chicago-style Italian Beef Sandwich restaurant, which we both absolutely love. Oh, the decadent pleasure of fattening food!

On the way home, my cell phone rang. It was my friend who has just returned from several days in jail. God bless him. What a shocking experience for one who spent his career in law enforcement. I was glad he could call me to talk about it.

The phone rang several more times and I talked with several more people. Including a man I don't talk about much here, on purpose.

I wish we could capture moods and feelings in a jar and save them for when we need them. I feel very loved and very full and satisfied this morning. There is nothing substantially different today from the days when I don't feel that way. But some days the world doesn't look quite as friendly as it does today.

I am so grateful for this sober, full, happy life.

Thursday - no time

I need to be out of here in 10 minutes. I usually spend at least a half hour on my posts each morning. Obviously, I won't be doing that.

On Sunday I signed up for another year of my 5 to 6 a.m. time slot on Thursday mornings. I share this time with a couple and they re-upped for the time too. We were all so excited, you would have thought we signed up for ANOTHER million dollars. It feels like more than that to us. I have, so far, made it for 48 weeks straight. I have not yet missed one Thursday morning at church. It is a good deal.

I better get going. Have a great sober day everyone.

Wednesday Morning

I am going to the 6:30 meeting this morning because my friend B. is celebrating his birthday today. 22 years of continuous sobriety. I am grateful for friends such as this.

Our friend Banana Girl is celebrating 2 years of sobriety today, go over and wish her a happy birthday!

What a great life we are given. We get to live in freedom, we get to earn our own trust and the trust of others. I think maybe one of the worst things about active alcoholism is not knowing with certainty what we would do. I would wake up in the morning and just thank God I hadn't killed anyone. It was the only thing I could think of that was worse than what I HAD done, or what I speculated I MIGHT have done.

I am still thinking about my former boyfriend, now sitting in jail. More than a couple of my friends called me yesterday to see if I was OK. He is in jail for "stalking" a woman, violating a restraining order. My friends wanted to make sure that woman wasn't me. No, it wasn't me. Thank God. But my heart breaks for this man and his family.

"we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life - the one that did not work - for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 8

Tuesday Back to Work

It is 1 degree fahrenheit outside. Will it be twice as warm if it gets up to 2 degrees? I am a slow moving woman this morning. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.

Yesterday I tried to call my former beau to check on him. He has not been doing well at all. Active alcoholism somehow doesn't lead to a productive, happy life. When a woman answered the phone, I thought of Pam, and just went right ahead and asked if he was home. It was his ex-wife and we had a little conversation. It seems this man is now in jail, she was there feeding his dog and cat. Oh my Goodness. His name and mug shot were all over the news last night and all over the papers. He looks BAD. I feel so sad for him and his family. To watch a talented, intelligent, charming person disintegrate is not something I enjoy.

It does, however, reinforce my gratitude for the Grace of God which has allowed me to remain sober for 23 years, 5 months, and 29 days. Not by my works. By the Grace of God.

Let's try to be kind to each other today, OK?

How interesting! It's snowing! And Cold!

It is also Martin Luther King Day, so I don't have to go to work. I was so tired last night I went to bed at 8:30, so I am wide awake and ready to go this morning! I will go to the 6:30 meeting and figure out what to do from there. I have Biblical School tonight, which is always wonderful.

I love having these kinds of holidays off. Most people are still working, so it is especially nice. The Monday meeting at 6:30 is usually pretty packed and good.

I don't seem to have anything to say this morning. I hope we all have a nice, cold, snowy, sober day. (well, some of you will skip the snow and cold, but don't skip the sober, OK?)

Gratitude goes forward...

Here is a picture of "my" classroom. I had a wonderful day yesterday. I think I actually like teaching. I have always known that I enjoy teaching one on one. What I haven't liked is standing in front of a group and talking - unless it is an AA meeting. Yesterday I actually liked 'lecturing'. I had stressed over an article I was supposed to lecture on. It was so difficult to read, I read it over and over and over. I finally took extensive notes on it. But what I didn't think about was that if I was having such difficulty with it, imagine how much more difficult it was for the students to read! So I got to give a 'lecture' and then answer questions. If I had not agonized over it as I had, I would not have been able to offer the explanations as I did. It was a banner day for MC.

Then I got home and found my blog had been defiled again. I left a nasty comment for the man and then I retaliated on his blog by cutting and pasting whole chapters out of the big book into his comments. Amazingly enough, his blog was gone within an hour. Apparently he doesn't like stuff he doesn't want on his blog. And I imagine it is a pain in the ass to delete comments that are a chapter long.

Should I have done that? Probably not. Do I have one ounce of regret or remorse? Nope.

So, back to a positive note: this morning in my prayer and meditation, I thanked God and actually started crying - with gratitude. The last few months have been so very difficult. There is still a bunch of difficulty at work, but some of the hurdles are now behind me. I feel much better than I did a week or a month ago. And today I get to go to an AA meeting first thing. I get to take a run after the meeting. Then I get to watch football and knit. My kids may or may not be coming over (they might be going snow-shoeing instead).

So today I will try to take that gratitude and express it forward. My ex husband used to say that gratitude isn't a feeling it is an action.

"Gratitude should go forward, rather than backward. In other words, if you carry the message to still others, you will be making the best possible repayment for the help given to you." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 29

Blackboard Jungle

I have as much anxiety this morning as I would if I were stepping into a real jungle! I am not teaching the whole class today, just two portions of it. I don't particularly like standing in front of a group and talking (unless it is an AA meeting), and I don't feel like I truly understand one of the topics of discussion. I am happy that at the end of this day, this first day of teaching will be over. And at the beginning of March, this whole class will be over. Then I can decide if I truly want to do this. If you gave me an escape clause right now, I think I would jump on it!

A former sponsee called me last night. As we talked, she got snokkered. At first I asked her if she was drinking, and she said no. After we talked for about an hour, she finally admitted it - of course by then I could barely understand a word she was saying. She was sober for 11 months and got drunk, and has not been able to put any time together since then. She does not want to be sober. I don't know how to help someone who doesn't want it. It is my belief that I cannot do anything for someone who doesn't want "what I have" except live as well as I can and be an attraction. I suggested she try going into treatment, they are good at pushing recovery on the unwilling and undesiring, but I am not.

And the really unfortunate thing is, people think they have forever to change their minds and get sober, but many of them do not have the luxury of time. They will not live long if they continue to drink. I believe this woman is one of those. It is so sad to see a person throwing her life away. And she is the only one who can change that. We can go to the ends of the earth to help a person who wants help, but I don't care to be the one a person calls to cry to while she is drunk.

I better get myself bathed, dressed, and prepare to head out the door to the blackboard that awaits me.

Friday Morning

I am looking forward to this day, not for any special reason, but just because it is an ordinary Friday. I should be able to get a lot of work done. I should be able to finish up my work for the lectures I am to give at school tomorrow. I have had more than one moment of panic over this. And Pam, yes, I do intend to write on the black board. The classroom is in a circa 1950 building - with a black board. Not green, not white... but BLACK. It is also wired for computers, but I LOVE that black board.

Yesterday I spoke with a former boyfriend over the phone for an hour or so. For my long time readers, he was my brief, intense fling from the summer of 2006. I am so glad that after a while I realized that the man was slightly unhinged, I believe he started drinking about a month into our 'relationship'. He has come totally unhinged now. God bless him. He, a man who once held a high-profile elected office, is now facing jail time - for violating a restraining order! I feel so bad for him and his sons. What a terrible toll this disease takes. All judgment flies out the window. I am thankful that I can be his friend. I hope that this is his bottom and he needs to go no farther down into the horrible abyss that is alcoholism.

I better get myself rolling today. Oh, what a wonderful feeling it is to look forward to a day and have no dread.

Thursday Morning

Off to church this morning, then to the gym, and then to work.

I am so psyched, excited, happy, motivated, and wonderfully surprised. God's provisions never seem to fail to amaze me.

Remember I said I wanted to run the Anchorage Marathon in June, but I didn't know how I could afford the hotel? (hotels in June in Anchorage run about $300. a night.) But I said I would just move forward on this and see how it works.

Last night I called my nephew who lives in Anchorage. My brother told me he is moving back to Colorado in May. When I asked him where to stay in Anchorage - he said "With us!" He is not moving until July. I would normally not stay with someone, relative or not, but I just LOVE this nephew, and he loves me too! AND, he said he had been wanting to run that race since he moved to Anchorage and now he has an excuse!!!

So, I not only will have a place to stay, but a buddy with whom to run the race. (I would have said 'race with' if Daave wasn't a reader... see how we improve each other?)

So, I get to go pray for an hour now. I love this. I really do. Even on sub-zero temperature mornings such as this.

"Hold your face to the light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Snowy Wednesday Morning

It is COLD outside and snowing. I don't feel particularly well (headache & sore throat). I am going to stay home from work today since for once in my life, I have no meetings or anything else scheduled for today.

I am so looking forward to being home all day. I can't imagine anything better right now.

It reminds me of an early gratitude list: I was sober about a year, my brand new car wouldn't start, someone had stolen the radio out of it, and I had a host of other problems. My sponsor told me to write a gratitude list (which really pissed me off.) So, I sat down, unpracticed at being grateful in all circumstances, and slowly started a list. I was grateful for my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I was grateful for my apartment. I was grateful for my bathtub. I was grateful that no one could steal my bathtub! Then, the most amazing thing of all, I was grateful that I was so easily entertained! And I still am!

I have to take out the trash. - which means I have to get dressed. But I am grateful about trash too. I even wrote a post about it back in 2006.

Have a great sober day everyone.

Running in the Dark

Is what I am about to do. Yesterday I printed out a 16 week Marathon Training Calendar. Marathon. 26.2 miles. Training for this will require a few sacrifices, like running on cold dark mornings in winter. So- let it begin!

I am going to move forward towards running the Anchorage Marathon on June 21. My daughter said she doesn't want to do it, so I shall do it alone. I am not sure where I am getting the money for this. I am also not sure that this old body can run 26.2 miles. But I will never know unless I try.

Yesterday at the meeting I said it out loud. I want to run a marathon. I want the marathon to be in Alaska. I told someone at work later and said "isn't that the coolest thing ever?" - and he said "Yes, literally - couldn't you find a marathon in Siberia?" Anchorage is at 113 feet altitude. I am training at approximately 6,000 ft. June 21st is the longest day of the year.

I have been to all 48 contiguous states, and want to get to Alaska. I will also need to go to Hawaii some day, but have no great desire to go there. But Alaska! I have always wanted to go to Alaska.

So this morning I am dreaming. And I have hope in my heart. After last week, I am doing everything in my power to not go back to that dark place.

Back on the Hamster Wheel...

hmmmm, that's a rather negative way of looking at it, isn't it? Last week I got a real taste of how wonderful my life usually is, by contrast with the kind of hellish way it was last week. I don't know what this week will bring. I hope it is boring and dull and ordinary... but I doubt that will be the case.

I want to write about this startling revelation I had, but I am so limited in time. I want to be at the 6:30 meeting, it is now 5:51, and I am sitting here in my jammies. I will give it a shot:

When I got sober, there were a bunch of old men who I now call "those old sages." They are all dead now. There was Dick S., who smoked a pipe (back when you could smoke inside a building!) and his eyes twinkled, and he could cut you to the quick, and you would still be smiling because you didn't even know you had been injured! And on and on. There were a bunch of them. I loved them.

Now that I am sober for 23 years, I suppose I could sit back and try to act the sage at every moment. But that is not my nature. So, I watch the guys who came up behind me... guys (sorry they are all guys, not gals) puffing up their chests and talking about the good old days, and the old clubs that are no longer in existence, and talking about how they started this meeting and that meeting and how many people they have sponsored, etc. And it makes me sick.

A week or so ago, I squirmed through one of these orations by one of these guys. He has been sober for almost 21 years and he can't ever talk without mentioning that. He can't talk without yelling it. He cannot talk without telling us all how long he has been sober. He can't talk without mentioning "the old club" and the old things. He will sprinkle his talks with name drops of dead members. I have no idea how he is doing today, because he never mentions it.

I, with the subtlety of a chainsaw I am sure, mentioned to a woman sitting next to me that this guy gets on my last nerve. She looked at me with shocked amazement and said "I LOVE him!" And I thought - gee, maybe for her, this guy and others like him are the old sages. Probably those old guys I thought were so great were just like this. I really couldn't say. I just remember what I remember and I don't remember them puffing themselves up with their length of sobriety.

So, I need to work on smiling. Sitting back and smiling. When I want to tell them to get real, I can realize that they are probably helping someone.

Gotta run...

Tolerate Ambiguity

Freud said that neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity. I have found that one of the most wonderful things about accumulating sober experience as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is that my ability to tolerate ambiguity has increased (exponentially).

I wonder if it is a particularly alcoholic trait to have a tendency to draw lines in the sand. Alcoholic geniuses cannot resist trying to summarize the twelve steps into simple "rules." I wouldn't even speculate as to how many books have been written to "explain" the twelve steps. There are then the unwritten "rules" about what to do, or more importantly what NOT to do, in AA.

I am so grateful that I didn't have a perfect experience when I got to AA. I might then think that my sobriety was contingent upon the people of AA, the steps of AA, and the perfect combination of each. The big book says "the only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." (p.98)

When I came to AA, desperate to quit drinking, I came to a group that was full of con men, thieves, strippers, even prostitutes! There were men who hung around, looking for young vulnerable women like me. I remember one saying he was looking for a "blonde with lobotomy eyes." I had sponsors betray my trust, some of whom I have written about here. I had people steal from me. I slept with more than one of those "13th stepping" men. I went to terrible meetings, where having 30 days myself, I would be the longest sober person in the room.

I stayed sober. I wanted to stay sober and so I did. I relied upon God. I quickly learned that He was the only reliable one. I learned to reach out to other alcoholics - not FOR help, but TO help. I learned that when I was feeling bad, instead of "venting" or whining, I was better off trying to think of who I could help. I am so grateful for these experiences.

All that said, I do believe that there are good common sense suggestions about what to do in early sobriety. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor. Women stick with the women, and men stick with the men.

Is that my experience? Hell no. I did go to lots of meetings and still do. I went to at least 180 meetings in my first 90 days. Why was I so motivated to go to meetings in the early days? Well, I wanted to stay sober, but there were also MEN at those meetings. Men who paid attention to me! It had been years since anyone had paid attention to me. When I first slept with one of those men, definitely a 13th stepper, I realized that I could stay sober, that I WANTED to stay sober. Really. (I had an old friend, now sober 35 years, who used to say that more alcoholics were saved by the 13th step than all the other 12 put together.)

Was that the right thing to do? Hell no. Was I ready to do the right thing? Hell no. God speaks to us in our own vernacular, and I believe he got my attention in my own language. Was it awful? yes. Do I act like that now? NO SirEE!

In my own group I am now watching a man with "double-digit" sobriety having an affair with a woman who cannot stay sober. As I watch this, I see the harm that is done. I hate to be radical, but the woman is just doing what she does. The man, however, has grown a beard, keeps his eyes down, and doesn't talk to people like he used to. He used to smile and greet me when I walked into the room, now he looks down and mumbles. I usually only see him once a week, and he looks a little sicker every time I see him. He knows what he is doing is frowned upon. It looks like his guilt is eating him alive. I pray to God that he can stay sober. I think the woman either will or won't, but I don't think this affair will affect her much. But the "13th stepper"? I think grave harm is being done to him... by himself.

Here's more Sunday morning radical Mary Christine:
I don't believe there is a RIGHT way to work the steps.
I don't believe there is a RIGHT way to have a meeting.
I don't believe there is a RIGHT way to be or have a sponsor.
I think when we talk about the "work", we are taking credit for our own sobriety. I could not and cannot create a sober Mary Christine. Only God can do that. I need to care for the gift that God has given me, my sobriety, but I did not make it happen by all my "work." Only by the Grace of God.

"Job or no job - wife or no wife- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 98

The problem with other people is that they are there.

According to Mike P. at the 6:30 meeting today. I loved that.

I lived through the week! woo hoo! It was a rough one. I am going to endeavor to enjoy this weekend with every fiber of my being. I got up early and went to a meeting - which is a good start. I went to the grocery store for some weekend food on my way home from the meeting... which is good. I now have a pot roast simmering on the stove, which is good and even smells so.
I am going to go out and run in a minute and that is super good! I haven't been able to run since January 3. That messes with my mental health, but it is good that I know that.

So, here's a question for y'all. I sponsor a woman with 8 or 9 years sobriety. We had arranged to meet every Tuesday night, she comes to my house and we are going through the big book together. However, she has canceled every single Tuesday for at least a month. Probably closer to 2 or even 3 months. I don't keep track... So, the thing that irritates me about this is:

1. I am really busy, I carve this time out of my schedule - I could easily schedule something else, or just take a night off!
2. She always asks if we can meet on Thursday night, or the weekend. I always say "no." I always tell her that I am never going to be available on Thursday night or the weekend, and yet she asks me this every single week.

I tell you how long she has been sober because I think if she were new, I could cut her some slack. It seems to me that she doesn't want to meet with me, so she cancels, but somehow she rationalizes that it is OK because she 'tries' to arrange to meet me at another time (knowing that I can't).

MY sponsor says: "fire her." Period. I don't really want to, I hate ending relationships. But it might be in her best interest to find that irresponsible actions like this have consequences.... I really don't know.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you so very much for all of the lovely comments yesterday. I am always surprised by the reactions of people. And you bloggers seldom let me down. By the way, did you notice that God's gift from down under is gone?

I was up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night - and when I did get back to sleep, I slept until after 6:00 - which is WAY too late for me to get up. So I've got to skedaddle off to work.

I have one day left of this whirlwind I have been in all week. One day. I can do ANYTHING for one day - even stay sober!

Thursday Morning Way Pre-Dawn

Someone left a nasty-gram comment yesterday. "Are you attention seeking about the blog again. If you want to carry on do so, if not make your mind up."

I say to that: thank you for sharing.

Amazingly enough, my life is not 100% about this blog. I spend probably a half hour a day on it. The remaining 23.5 hours I am living my life. Right now my life is overwhelming.

In 2005, one of my first posts was called "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired." In it, I explained that I call myself "high-maintenance," not because I like expensive shit but because my list of self-care musts is pretty big. They really are musts. I really must exercise, eat right, sleep a lot, have quiet time for prayer and meditation, go to meetings, talk to friends, etc., etc., etc. if I am to be even remotely sane.

I am in a temporary work situation this week. I am working many hours a day without break, and it is very intense. It is my job. My job is not the same every day, and thank God it isn't usually the way it is now. Right now I am, of necessity, doing none of my self-care things and my mental health is definitely feeling it. So I am discouraged. I am tired. I am hungry most of the day because I haven't got time for any breaks. I am angry sporadically, like when I read a nasty fucking comment. I could be lonely, I don't know, I haven't time to figure it out. I talked with my sponsor this evening, she suggested I just get through this week - it may not be pretty, just get through it. Just make at least one AA contact a day on the phone. I have been doing that.

And in case you are confused, let me tell you: I am an alcoholic in recovery. This does not make me a saint. I am a person who has suffered from Major Depression throughout my life, thankfully it is in remission, but that isn't necessarily a permanent situation.

If you are looking for some person who got sober and turned into a perfectly adjusted person with no faults, keep looking, this is not the place. If you are looking for some phony who tries to make everything sound nice every day, keep right on looking, that is not me. If, however, I am telling you that my life is wonderful (which is what I do most of the time) you can trust that it is the truth.

I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a real live human being. I do not always feel great. Life doesn't always go my way. I don't even want it to, for crying out loud! I have plenty of faults. Most of the time, they are not too terribly evident. Right now they are, I guess. So, if you can't handle it, don't read my blog. OK?

Thank you.

Wednesday Morning

I am not running.

I am not going to a meeting.

I am not sitting here doing any damn thing I want.

I am going to work.

I am worn out.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Energized

Note to self: Sometimes the things that restore the body and soul are not necessarily rest.

I worked for over 10 hours yesterday, most of the time on my feet (which I am not at ALL used to), without lunch (just some string cheese and snow peas I had in my office refrig that I grabbed on the run), I ran all over that hospital, and had to be on my toes all day. And it was probably the best day at work I have had in a couple of years. Go figure!

I have another day like that in store today. I am looking forward to it.

As alcoholics, our reactions to many things are paradoxical. I think my reaction to work/rest is yet another example of this.

"We no longer strive to dominate or rule those about us in order to gain self-importance. We no longer seek fame and honor in order to be praised." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

Monday

Back to work today. I don't feel particularly well rested. The weekend was very eventful and I also have yet another cold. Today I get to wear a new outfit I got back in December and realized the first time I wore it that the pants needed to be hemmed. Now that they are hemmed, I have a new outfit to wear!

Yesterday morning, there was a tap, tap, tapping on my front door. It was a neighbor, who felt that because I am on the HOA board I was the appropriate person to talk to about her ugly dispute with another neighbor. She brought a stack of papers, they were the e-mail trail of ugliness. My first thought was "I do not have time for this!" Then I tried to be compassionate and listen to this woman who was really just very hurt that her former friend has stopped being her friend. People sure get ugly when they are hurt, don't they? So I listened, and managed (I hope) not to insert myself into this mess. I will serve out my term on the board, and then I need to get out. I do not want to be part of the disputes of people. I work very hard at keeping my neighborhood relationships friendly and would like to keep them all that way.

I really thought about how fortunate we in AA are. I listened to this poor woman who is hurt and angry and frightened, and tried to imagine what it would be like to need to knock on the door of a virtual stranger to talk about this. We, as AA members, have almost unlimited resources at our fingertips. I have a sponsor and a host of friends who I can call at any time. And they would all be quick to tell me that I can only take care of my own side of the street - which in this case would be literal as well as figurative! Thank God we have a program and a couple million people to help us apply it in our lives.

"If we are fooling ourselves, a competent adviser can see this quickly. And, as he skillfully guides us away from our fantasies, we are surprised to find that we have few of the usual urges to defend ourselves against unpleasant truths." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 248

Off to Church

I am off to church this morning. I hate to bow to the man's insanity and talk about him, but this is what irritates me so much about Mickey. He and I supposedly belong to the same church. But according to him I am a rageaholic about to be plunged into the gates of hell and he imagines this and that about me. For those of you who are new to his comments, there are only about three of them, he recycles them. He cuts and pastes wacky articles into comments, that is why they are so long. I love you Mickey, do you love me? I think if you loved me, you would not be telling me I am going to hell - and I COULD quote you the bible verse that tells you NEVER to judge someone else, but what the heck, it's Sunday morning and I want to go to church. A church, by the way, that I can see nothing of in Mickey's rantings.

I had my first day of school yesterday. It was awesome. I walked into the classroom feeling like a student, and left at the end of the day feeling like a teacher. A novice teacher, but still a teacher. This is momentous to me.

Then I went to Night Watch at a friend's house. The place was absolutely packed with people. People I love. People I sit in AA meetings with and join for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. People who have helped me put up my Christmas tree, who have baked cookies with me, who have taken bike rides with me. People who are integral parts of my life. Thank God for AA.

Last night there was an event in Houston I dearly wish I could have attended. Scott W.'s showing his art. It sounds like it went wonderfully. Congrats Scott!

Friday Night

Thanks Pam for this wonderful gift, I look at it every day and love it.

I thought I would post tonight because I don't think I will have time tomorrow to post anything meaningful. I have been posting nothing meaningful all week and I apologize to anyone who might have been disappointed!

So tomorrow I start my first day of teaching. Several commenters have said that they don't recall how this whole thing happened. It is a wonderful thing. Really.

In November I decided that I really wanted to go to nursing school. Well, that is not exactly true. I wanted some change in my life/career. I was tired of watching people with less education and qualifications get promoted around me - and it seemed the common denominator was the ",RN" after their names. So I checked into local nursing schools. The one I liked happened to be at the university I graduated from - so I called my old adviser.

When I talked with her, she said she was just going to call me, and she offered me a job TEACHING. Teaching about my own field. About what I do. In the field I studied and in which I work. Well, this was such a radical departure from what I was thinking, I told her I had to think about it for a day or two. But it was really quite obvious that this was meant to be.

So, tomorrow I start. I am a little nervous, but mostly very excited. I get to go out for lunch with the teachers! I get to talk to students! I get to be a grown up, really. And I have to pinch myself - Me? A teacher? I dropped out of high school Twice! I didn't go back to college until I was 43 years old and 10 1/2 years sober.

It is amazing to me the things that God has in store for us, when we let go of our old ideas and our self-will, and let Him take the reins. Say a little prayer for me if you will, OK? (oh, and a prayer for Britney, really. That poor woman really needs some serious help.) Thanks.

"Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 49

Running SO late

I opted not to post this morning before the meeting. I wanted to get to the 6:30 a.m. meeting because I won't be able to get to it tomorrow. Because I will be at my first day of my new job! Teaching! At a University! How exciting!

But now I am at work and I don't have time to post.

So let me just say, let's all stay sober today, OK?

Trying Something New

Okay. Today I am going to church in my running clothes (EEEEEK!) Then I am going to go to the gym, on January Third, with all the resolutioners (EEEEEEEK!) I will run on the treadmill for however long it takes to run 3 miles... head home... bathe... eat breakfast....get dressed... go to work. I wonder how late I will be.

There is a lot about this plan that I don't like. But I really have to get back to my regular running schedule. I only ran 21 miles in December! In December 2006, I ran over 50 miles. Running is essential to my mental health.

Oh, and I got a call yesterday that I start my new job as a teacher on Saturday. Holy Schmoley. I don't have to teach a class on Saturday, but I get to sit in on one. I hope I get to sit at the front of the class!

Have a great sober day everyone.

Back to Work

This weather is kicking my ass. I am tired all of the time. It is 7 (seven) degrees this morning and I am NOT going to go out and run. I am also NOT going to the gym on January 2. I would dearly love to go back to bed. I would dearly love to have some time off. I have not even taken a whole weekend off since some time in November. I am WAY tired and there is no end in sight to this onslaught of work.

That said, I did have a wonderful one day off yesterday. I had such a fabulous time on New Year's Eve that it really stuck with me all day yesterday. I got lots of e-mail with pictures of us at dinner.

One of my newer friends gave me a Christmas present on NYEve. It is a framed photo of seven of us taken on Dec. 10 - the day we made cookies. I put the picture up on the bar between the kitchen and dining room and I have looked at it over and over again.

I am so grateful that I am in this picture. That I love the other women in the picture. That we all have true smiles on our faces. That I am seated on the sofa - with the other "older" women. That I am seated next to my friend H., whose birthday is one day after mine - same year and everything! That we are all sober, and I pray that we will all be at this time next year.

Being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous is such a good deal.

One . One

It's the first of the year. I just woke up. Too late to go to a meeting or church. I stayed up late last night and had a great time, but I think I prefer the way I usually ring in the new year - fast asleep!

Every year on New Year's Eve, a group of sober people go to a chinese restaurant. I have been invited for I don't know how many years, but I never went until last night. The restaurant was unprepared for how many of us there were, so there were two long tables, and then we were scattered about at tables and booths. We nearly took over the place. Actually, I feel kind of sorry for the few people who were not part of us, because they must have wondered what the heck just happened. We had so much fun! It was wonderful to walk around to different tables and talk to people. And our little booth had more fun than anyone, we laughed until we were nearly sick. We all had tiaras on, and had party horns and noise makers. It was so much fun to be with these people to whom I share a bond more powerful than anything else I have ever known.

Then I actually went to a dance! At the dance, I looked over and saw a man who got sober right after me, we traveled in the same circles for a long time. I haven't seen him in about ten years! It was great to see him. He had decided to 'graduate' from AA and go to church. After about ten years of that, he has decided that he really belongs in AA and will stay here. Thank God he didn't drink in that time. He will continue to go to church, but has realized where it is that people really 'get' him. Anyway, at the dance, we all just danced, and danced, and danced. I love to dance, so it was great.

I love the sober life. I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love my friends. And I love waking up on New Year's day, not hungover, not craving a drink, with only hope in my heart... no regrets, no fear.

Let's have a Happy, Healthy, Sober 2008 everyone.