Monday, October 15, 2007

I thought I would actually participate in this today. Blog Action Day, all bloggers uniting to write about one topic - the environment. Now, for regular readers, you know I will not be getting on a political soap box to tell you what you and others ought to be doing.

What I will do is talk about my own experience. In 1990, I was just married to a crop duster. Earth Day came around and I realized that I was married to a person who judged to be doing terrible things to the environment. As a former flower child, I found this extremely disconcerting. I decided to take a different approach so I wouldn't feel so guilty about this. I decided to do whatever I could do to impact my own environment.

I cannot change other people, but I can change my own actions (with the help of God.) So instead of worrying about factories belching toxic fumes, I can worry about my own consumption of fossil fuels - yes, that means my very own car! In Denver, we have virtually no factories, but we have a terrible air pollution problem. It is caused almost entirely by automobiles. (and I bet if you asked the driver of the SUV who is commuting 50 miles each way to work if he/she cares about the environment, they would say YES! And I wish the Government would do something!) I can limit the number of trips I take. I can drive a car that doesn't use a lot of fuel. I can take public transportation. I can ride my bicycle!

How many plastic bottles am I drinking from and throwing away every day? Can I use my own bottle and fill it with water or stuff and then wash the bottle and reuse it? Yes, that is what I do.

Do I own a dorky grocery bags to use instead of plastic shopping bags? Yes. I use cloth napkins instead of paper. I actually use dish cloths to wash dishes. I clean with rags! And then I wash them all and use them again! They are so much nicer than paper towels and napkins.

My point is - that I do what I can. In AA, I have learned to sweep my own side of the street instead of standing in my own garbage complaining about yours.

Now, if you have read all of this, thank you. This is as close to political that I will ever get. And if you haven't read about my half-marathon, scroll down and read about it - it was fabulous!!!

"We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 77-78

Being Sober Means You Can Do Stuff

I just finished my second half-marathon. I enjoyed it thoroughly - except for the fact that it was in the high 30s and pouring rain. I was soaked to the skin. By the time I got home, I was shaking and shivering. I also have some huge honkin' nasty looking blisters on my feet. I have never run with soaking wet socks in soaking wet shoes before. It's different than dry shoes and socks, let me tell you.

I somehow shut off my GPS, for about a half mile, so I don't know what my official time was. It is not posted yet. I think I did better than my last one - in any event, I feel very good about my performance today.

As I crossed the finish line, I started crying. I mean really crying. I am so grateful that I get to be part of life today. I get to do stuff.

When I was drinking - even though I was young, I could never have done this. I ran a lot, but somehow I never registered for a race. I ran my first race in 1987 when I was nearly 3 years sober. It was a miraculous revelation to actually do something I had talked about for so many years.

I am tired and I am going to go take a nap. But I wanted to post something about my race. Daave was kind enough to call me this morning, and some other folks have called to see how I am. I am glad that people care enough about me to think about me and then actually pick up the phone and call.

Most people don't want to run, but most people do have dreams. I just want to say: If you are sober, you can put one foot in front of the other and realize your dreams. It is possible!

Race Day!

I actually got a good night's sleep last night, which is rare on the night before a race. It must have been that steak and mashed potato I had for dinner last night! It is 42 degrees, which is warmer than I thought it would be. The high temp is supposed to be 45. I think I have figured out what to wear (with the help of the kind folks at the running store).

I am looking forward to this day and all it may bring!

I will probably post after my race today, so check back.

"We did not always come closer to wisdom by reason of our virtues; our better understanding is often rooted in the pains of our former follies. Because this has been the essence of our individual experience, it is also the essence of our experience as a fellowship." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 31

Wardrobe Malfunction?

This is a great outfit for running in the 67 degrees that was predicted for tomorrow - earlier in the week. The latest projected high for tomorrow is 49 degrees - and rain. I am on my way to the running shop now to get some help to figure out what I am going to wear for tomorrow's half-marathon.

I am so psyched. I think that injury served me well. It forced me to rest for a week, and having the doctor tell me I couldn't do it made me realize how very much I wanted to! I thought I was ambivalent, but apparently I really am not. I really want to run this race.

I went out and ran a few slow miles this morning just to see if my foot was OK, and it is. I am just delighted.

Went to a meeting this morning. You know, alcoholics really agonize over every little thing some times... And when you are all wrapped up in a problem, you can't hear anything. I am glad I am where I am and not back there - today. Thank you Dear Lord!

"I once knew a woman who was crying before a meeting. She was approached by a five-year-old girl who told her, 'You don't have to cry here. This is a good place. They took my daddy and they made him better.' That is exactly what AA did for me; it took me and it made me better. For that I am eternally grateful." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (4th ed.) , p. 431

Friday Morning

This is a picture of my volunteer geranium. I noticed there were tiny leaves in this unused pot earlier in the year, so I started watering them. The tiny leaves turned into a tiny geranium. That small pink bloom is the only flower for the season. I think I will take this one indoors for the winter and let it grow. It had such determination to live - and somehow I can relate to this.

After work today, my daughter and I will go to the race expo and pick up our race packets. As of yesterday afternoon, I thought for sure I would be able to participate in the race... right now I am not so sure - my foot doesn't feel so great this morning. But when you pay $75. for a race, you at least want to go pick up the goodies they give you. I pray I will still be able to run or at least walk by Sunday morning.

Non-race-runners will say to me "Don't worry, you can always do another race." They have no idea what goes into training for a half-marathon or a marathon. The amount of time I have spent running is nearly obscene - when you consider that I have a family I haven't spent much time with, a job I should probably spend more time doing, AA meetings I have missed, AA sponsees who have to deal with me and my palm pilot when trying to figure out when we are going to meet. As of this moment, I don't want to do the training again. It takes too much out of a person and away from the rest of my life.

Last night I talked on the phone (while I iced my foot, and watched the Rockies game - with the sound muted) with my friend Larry for maybe a couple of hours. He told me about his late wife. We both cried. He told me about the last 30 years that he has been in AA and what that has been like. I told him about my 23 year years in AA. For some reason, we both cried. It is gratitude and also sadness. Yes, sadness.

If you are new in AA, please enjoy this time. I know that sounds like heresy... we in AA focus so much on getting LONG TERM sobriety. But really, the longer you stay sober, the older you get! I remember so fondly the early years - I was totally insane, but everything was new and I had so many friends in the same boat. It was a grand time - the best of times, the worst of times. I see so many newer people waiting for some magic number - "X" number of years - and THEN it will be good.

It is good RIGHT NOW if you are sober. Please enjoy this moment. They really are numbered. We only get so many. Don't wait for life - it is now!

"...his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 99-100

Knitting at the Work Comp Doc's Office

This is one bare-bones operation. Not pretty like my normal doctor's office. Oh well. I was glad I brought my knitting, because I had plenty of time to knit while waiting.

He told me I can't run the half-marathon on Sunday. He was shocked when I started crying.

If God wants me to run that race I guess I will. And if he doesn't, I guess I won't. I don't think one little sprained foot is too big of a job for my Higher Power!

"Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 44

Staying in the Day

Maybe. I need to.

I fell down the stairs at work yesterday. I couldn't believe that I could fall down and injure myself 5 days before the half-marathon for which I have trained for months, and months, and months. So I chose not to believe that I hurt myself. But I think I can't persist in this belief since I am in pain. Today I will go to work and complete the "injury on the job" form and go get my foot looked at.

I want to cry.

But if I stay in today, it is all OK. My race is NOT today. It is on Sunday. All I have to do today is go to work and take care of what is in front of me. Not my entire life. Just today.

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

Back to Reality

My son moved out yesterday. He found a really nice apartment only 2 miles away. As he was leaving, I started crying! I wanted to just throw myself on the floor and wail. It was the oddest feeling to have such an intense emotional reaction, and rationally know that it is wacked! This young man left home at 17 - to go into the Army. It is not like I am used to having him around. But in the last 6 weeks or so it has been so nice to share my home with him. And I think I am emotionally fatigued from a year of trying so hard not to go mental over him being at war.

I go back to work this morning after 4 days off. My Tuesday night sponsee is sick and canceled her time to come over tonight. Tomorrow I am meeting with a new sponsee, I am looking forward to that.

I hope to get rid of the headache I woke up with, and have a fabulous sober Tuesday. I hope you all do too!

"We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 104

I saw the light...

Of my new dining room chandelier, living room ceiling fan, kitchen track lighting, and foyer pendant!!! YAY! Those young men did a great job - even though they didn't get started until late in the day... it was a good distraction from the Broncos game.

So I am off this morning to the 6:30 meeting. There I will meet my friend B., and he will come back and blow out my sprinkler system. YAY! I have today off because it is Columbus Day. Don't ask my why that is a paid holiday, it makes no sense to me, but somehow I do not complain about meaningless "holidays".

Today my son is moving out of my house and into his own apartment. I will miss him terribly. I have enjoyed having him here. But somehow I don't think it is good for a 31 year old man to live at his mother's house for more than a teeny little bit of time. I am really glad that his apartment is right down the road... he used to live on the other side of town. I am so grateful that this wonderful young man is back from Iraq. What a long year that was.

"True leadership, we find, depends upon able example and not upon vain displays of power or glory." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

41 Degrees

I could actually wear a sweater or a jacket to church this morning! Last night I walked into the monthly nightwatch gathering at C.'s house, carrying my apple pie, it was in the 80's. When I left, it was in the 60's and the wind was blowing the leaves around. It was glorious. It is also glorious that C. is back. The last time I was at nightwatch at his house, his kids were little boys... now one is at college and the other is a junior in high school. C. stopped going to meetings, but didn't get drunk - thank God, but now he is back and we're all really grateful.

Today my son and his friend (the electrician) will install my new light fixtures! I am so excited to ditch the old stuff, and a little nervous about how the new ones will look. Some of you understood my excitement over a chicken chandelier - I am glad I am not alone.

I am going to have to have a refresher course in baseball. I used to watch it, but that has been a l-o-n-g time ago. But suddenly everyone in Denver is a baseball fan. Go Rockies!

I better get ready for church. It is a beautiful Sunday morning and I am looking forward to a beautiful sober day... and wish the same for you all.

"When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

Autumn Leaves

I absolutely love this time of the year. And I absolutely love Saturday mornings. What could be better? I am sitting here in my green running skirt (yes, really) drinking my first cup of coffee of the morning - at nearly 8:00 AM! Getting ready for a quick run because my training is essentially over - the race is next Sunday, whatever fitness I have accomplished is done, I can't get any more fit now, I can just tire myself out before the race.

Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with my beloved sponsee J. We were able to find four lighting fixtures, and I even came in under budget! She would not let me purchase the chandelier I wanted for the dining room... it had chickens on it and little lampshades of red and white gingham! I LOVED that thing! We laughed and laughed and laughed. But I am not kidding - I really would have bought it had she not forbidden it! I have the fixtures, still within their boxes, all over my living and dining areas. They will be installed tomorrow! woo hooo! I have wanted to ditch the crap in here since I moved here 6 years ago!

This morning Pam reminded me of something that happened probably 22 or 23 years ago. I hope you don't mind that I piggyback on this Pammie. My daughters and I had just moved into a new apartment. They, as 5 year old children, went about meeting the neighbors. One night they came home and with all of the assurance of a 5 year old child, told me that their friend's parents weren't alcoholics! I was so interested to find out how they determined this... so I asked. They knew they weren't alcoholics because they were drinking beer!

I hope everyone has a great Saturday.

"God helps those who don't try to take over His work." -- One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 196

October Morning-

I love, love, love October. Late yesterday afternoon, I decided to take today off. Combined with the Monday holiday of Columbus Day, I will have a 4 day weekend. Suddenly, in my office, I was whistling and singing and one of my co-workers noticed that my entire being had changed. I need a vacation desperately. I will have this 4 day weekend and then I have the half-marathon next weekend and then the weekend after that I have a retreat to go to.

I went to the 6:30 meeting this morning. I found it discouraging to hear a man who is nearly 20 years sober and still hates his mother. That's what the steps are for! Jeeez Louise, we have to get over this stuff. Sorry to be judgmental, but it was so striking to me. It is so hideously ugly to hear a 60 year old man whining about his mother. Yuck. I should strike this paragraph, but probably won't.

So this morning, I took my last kind of long run before my race. I ran 5 miles around a lake, through the golden cottonwood trees, in the crisp autumn air. It was glorious. I took a picture of a tree, but blogger won't let me post a photo this morning for some reason.

I had a revelation of sorts in the past couple of days: I decided that treating my son as a guest is probably not the best thing for either of us. I asked him if he would please install new lighting fixtures in my living room, dining room, kitchen and foyer. He said YES! And then I called my beloved sponsee J., and asked her (since she remodels homes for a living) if she would go with me and help me pick out the fixtures. She asked when I could, I originally said Friday night (not having yet decided to take today off) and she said that was practically "date night" for lesbians at Lowe's and Home Depot. I told her I would wear a flannel shirt. She said that a short skirt and heels would probably be better!

Anyway, I probably should not spend this money, but I am going to. I HATE the 80s crap in my house and I am going to get rid of it, piece by piece.

This is a long and rambling post. It is so wonderful to have the luxury of time. My house is such a pleasant place in the daytime... I feel like I never get to experience it.

"Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions. In many instances we are really dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose woes we have increased. If we are to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 78

Tending to my knitting

I am on a hat-knitting kick. They are easy, the people I have knit them for love them. Knitting calms me down. It forces me to just do the next right stitch. There is something so soothing about beautiful yarn and well-crafted needles.


"I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge? ... When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 306

11 Days

Until my half-marathon. I went to the gym this morning to put some miles on the treadmill. I really enjoyed it. I saw a couple of ladies from AA and one friend from work- that was nice.

Yesterday I talked with my sponsor for a long time. Thank God for cellular phones. She is in Washington DC, and back in the day that would have meant that she was unavailable to me. But with cell phones, we are all available all the time! (but is that really a good thing?) I also talked with another friend about what is going on with me. I am having a hard time.

I went to a meeting last night and saw a bunch of people who are shaky and scared and trying to get sober. I could really feel their pain and I was grateful that I am not there.

So now I will get dressed - I will wear a suit with a skirt and pantyhose and heels and look as good as I possibly can and I will go into my office and do the best job I possibly can - today. I will make some phone calls to some people I think could use a phone call and maybe I can be relieved of the bondage of self for a minute or two.

"We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect. Each man's theology has to be his own quest, his own affair." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 95

Tuesday Morning

This is a cell phone photo from my run this morning. It was dark... and cold... and windy. And most importantly, wonderful. I am 12 days out from my half-marathon. I am getting very nervous about it. I have a fitness blog and there is a great community of bloggers who run marathons and do triathlons - they encourage me every day. Being nervous is normal. Really, they tell me it is.

I am feeling rather discouraged this morning. That is just the truth. I am tired from all this running. I am working hard but not feeling excited about it. I found out over the weekend that I didn't get the job I had wanted.

Although I am late to the party, because I delayed my maturity for all those years of active alcoholism, I think I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis. For a long time, it seemed that the sky was the limit for me - career wise, and life wise. But now I think I am realizing that I have gotten to where I am going. Now I have to just sit here or figure out what I can change.

This, to me, is the tough stuff. I have years of experience at how to handle crisis - I am quite good at it. I can handle elation, I can even handle dismal failure. How do I learn to live with a 'normal' life? I own a nice home - it is not a mansion, it is a middle-class home in suburbia. I drive a nice car, and I likely won't trade it for anything new and shiney and distracting for quite a while. I have a good job, but I have had it for a long time and don't find it exciting any more. I have a nice family, nice friends, even nice neighbors. I have good relationships with all of these. I have several good AA groups where I feel at home. I have a sponsor I love with all of my heart and she loves me too. I sponsor three women for whom I have endless love and gratitude. I am increasingly involved in my church and have come to know and love people there. I have begun a 4 year Biblical school - which I love.

Yesterday my friend Larry told me to write down the names of five people who are really glad I am alive and part of their lives. He told me to write his name first. He said that when I pondered the list, I should realize that in reality, the list is probably at least 10 times that. And that I don't even know how many people care deeply about me.

I just better get dressed and get out of here and go give it my best effort today. Suit up and show up. Fake it till you make it. Act as if. I know that God is caring for me, even when it is hard to feel that closeness. I must remember that the way I FEEL is not an accurate gauge of my spiritual condition.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

It finally happened...

I have lived in the same town as my ex-husband (the father of my children) for many, many years. We have been divorced since 1986 - and lived within 10 miles of each other since then - except for my brief stays in British Columbia and Washington. I have always marveled at the fact that we have never in all that time run into each other. Not in a restaurant, not in a grocery store, not at the gas station. No where.

Yesterday I was driving to the yarn store so that I buy supplies to start knitting another hat or two. I missed my turn, so took the next westbound street - which also happens to be the street on which his corner lot abuts. As I passed his house, he and his wife were pulling out of the driveway. As I got to the next red light (damn! why wasn't it green?) they pulled up next to me. So I did what any mature reasonable person would do, I stared straight ahead and pretended not to notice that my ex-husband was sitting next to me at a red light! Then I quickly went to the yarn shop, somehow feeling like I had done something sneaky, and got ready for some big time knitting.

It was a day for hearing from and seeing people from my distant and near past. The man I was dating and not talking about came by to see me... I don't really understand that... then my other ex-husband called from Thailand. He said he needed to talk to a 'real' AA person - and somehow that's me. hmmmm. It was good to talk with both of these men.

I wonder how it is that I end up with better relationships with former boyfriends, husbands (with the exception of the first husband mentioned above), and lovers?

I better stop pondering these things and get ready for work. I have a meeting with my boss at 10:00 and I am dreading it.

"First things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 135

Pancakes and Maple Syrup

With link sausages on the side... or in the soup of the syrup and butter. That is what I am making for breakfast this morning.

Yesterday I clearly stated that I am doing NOTHING today. I am tired. Bone weary. Yesterday was a normal Saturday... I woke early, went to a 6:30 meeting, took an 8 mile run. Went to the grocery store. Came home and ate breakfast, made up a pot of chili and put it on the stove, broke out the paint and put the 5th and final coat of red paint on my front door (which looks great). Took a bath, fixed lunch for the family, went to bed for a little nap. Woke up, got dressed, went to the tanning salon, then to Church. Went to Target to get some hairspray and while I was there, got a small refrigerator for my office. Came home, ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (with a glass of milk!) for dinner. Sat down, watched "House" (which I Tivo'd on Tuesday) while I finished knitting two hats for Christmas gifts. Then to bed...

This morning, I woke at 5:00 and almost jumped out of bed to get to the meeting. It was as if I had to physically restrain myself from doing this. I am going to stay home today and do as little as possible. Like eating pancakes and maple syrup. And watching a football game (or two) on my son's fabulous new 50 inch TV. I never wanted one, but now I can see why people do.

"What I've learned is that it doesn't matter what hardships and losses I've endured in sobriety, I have not had to go back to drinking. As long as I work the program, keep being of service, go to meetings, and keep my spiritual life together, I can live a decent life." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 485

Saturday Morning

Another Saturday Morning.
Again I ready myself for the Saturday Morning Meeting.
Again I put on my running gear and ready myself for a run.
This will be the last long run before the half-marathon.

I am grateful that I am sober and I get to live in this beautiful and peaceful way. I am also grateful that even though it is incredibly difficult for a 55 year old woman to train to run a half-marathon - I am so very grateful that God gave me a body that will actually stand up to this kind of punishment. This kind of discipline does have great rewards.

I love Saturday Morning. I remember as a child, it meant cartoons, and leisurely eating sweet sticky cereal in front of the TV, wearing your pajamas. Later, in my active alcoholism, it meant laying in bed, sick as shit, but not needing to make up a lie for why I couldn't come to work. Today it means hitting an early AA meeting and seeing my friends - before I hit the pavement and find the wonderful meditative properties of running 8 miles.

"...we can choose to try for a life of honesty and humility, of selfless service to our fellows and to 'God as we understand Him.' As we continue to make these choices and so move toward these high aspirations, our sanity returns and the compulsion to drink vanishes." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 88

Waiting for daylight...

So I can get out for a quick run before work. It is the first time I have wanted to run since I got sick almost 2 weeks ago. It is just a little over 2 weeks before my half-marathon and losing a week of training is disastrous.

Last night my son brought home a 50 inch TV. Holy crap. I am grateful that I have a house with a downstairs that is nearly self-contained... so that thing is fine in the family room - and his temporary suite of rooms.

I am tired this morning, but it is Friday. I have a day without anything on my calendar at work, so I can close my office door and work on some data analysis that I need to get done. I also need to write a training within the next 2 weeks, maybe I will start working on that today. On the way home from work, I can go to the 5:30 AA meeting.

I am grateful I am sober and can experience the seemingly mundane. Isn't it grand when there are no big deals going on?

"We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms. Almost any experienced AA will tell how his affairs have taken remarkable and unexpected turns for the better as he tried to improve his conscious contact with God." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105

Getting Well

I am still not 100%. But I will be. Soon.

But I have lost critical training time for my half-marathon on October 14. It will be what it will be.

"AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 13

Why do people HATE AA?

I wrote a post about a controversy in AA several years ago. It has turned into a heavily "hit" post for AA detractors. There is plenty of negative stuff about AA on the internet, there is no good reason for me to have some on my blog.

My story is that I drank alcoholically for eighteen years. When I was desperate enough to admit that I couldn't quit drinking on my own and asked for help, AA was there for me. I was pretty sick as I stopped drinking and was dependent upon the kindness of the strangers I met at AA meetings to help me. Collectively they never let me down, though plenty of individuals in AA have disappointed me over the years. I have been a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous since July 24, 1984. That means I have never had a drink since then. I am eternally grateful for that.

Most AA members are people who work for a living, and live as responsible decent human beings. You won't know that most of them are recovering alcoholics unless you know them well. They quietly get on with living their lives to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, there are those who publicly make us look bad, but let me assure you, they are the minority.

If you would like help to stop drinking and you are convinced that you cannot do it by yourself, AA may have the answer for you. You can get information about AA from http://www.aa.org or you may look up Alcoholics Anonymous in your local phone directory.

If you think you can quit drinking on your own, by all means try that. If you have some other addiction there are programs for that as well. If you are suffering from mental illness, please seek help for that.

"We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

G' Morning

I overslept this morning! That is so exciting - even though it means I can't run this morning. I wouldn't get to work until after 9:00 if I ran, and I better not do that. On Monday nights, I have Biblical School until 9:00 p.m. (which is after my bedtime), then I come home and I am just so jazzed from the class, I stay up for another hour or two! And then I usually wake up at the same time in the morning no matter how late I go to bed. But today I woke up and realized the room was light - which is WAY late for me.

My dealio yesterday went really well. I am so relieved that it is over, because it was in the back of my mind almost constantly. I won't know the outcome for a couple of weeks, but I can rest in knowing that I gave it my best. I can do no more than that! And today, thank God, I feel good about what my best is!

I woke up this morning feeling true joy in my heart. What a wonderful way to wake! I am so grateful for this life and the Grace of a Loving God who has always been faithful to me, even when I was not faithful in anything.

"Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 181

Monday AM

My son has already left for the golf course, so I can run around my house in various stages of dress/undress as I get ready for work this morning. I have something to do this morning that really terrifies me - so having an extra sense of comfort as I dress will help somewhat. I did not buy a blouse or a suit or a pair of shoes for this event. I usually buy a new suit when I feel a need for a boost in confidence. But I have a bunch of suits already - I don't need another one. I don't even LIKE wearing suits for God's sake! I looked for blouses, but I decided I already have a closet full of blouses and sweaters. I am going to wear a favorite pink silk sweater that I love and that will not be too hot.

I have gotten all "prayed-up" this morning. I know that I will be OK no matter what. I know that no matter what, this big deal will be over by 11:00 this morning. And then I am going out for lunch with a bunch of folks I like at work!

I am so glad I went to my old home group yesterday. It was so wonderful to sit with my real peeps. It was my friend Ron's 22nd birthday. Once again, they told him that 22 years of sobriety is "a pretty good start." Oh, I am so grateful for that group. I am also grateful that Ron and I run to each other and hug when we see each other across the room. I am grateful that we say "I love you" to each other. Did I ever tell you that I started knitting in meetings after I got so angry I threw a cup of (hot) coffee at someone in a meeting? Well, that someone was my friend Ron. And do you know that I didn't even remember that yesterday until my buddy Elmer leaned over and whispered something about me throwing coffee at Ron. I forgot all about it! I bet Ron did too. Ron is a totally different person today and I am too.... by the Grace of a Loving God.

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 5 (quoting Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 66 - but paraphrased and I like this version better - it is a lot more clear than "the grouch and the brainstorm.")

Sunday Morning

And I need to be out of here in about 10 minutes. I am sitting here in my jammies, my hair a mess - I have brushed my teeth and washed my face, but the rest is a mess. I am heading across town to my old home group. It will be good to see those wonderful men and women.

"It is not always the quantity of good things that you do, it is also the quality that counts." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 11

Late September Saturday Morning

Doesn't that just sound wonderful? It is. It is nice and cool outside, and some of the leaves are even turning. I am going to go out and run for the first time in a week - as soon as it is light outside. I still don't feel *great*, but a week off of training is too much when you have a half-marathon in three weeks. I am SO not ready for this.

Truthfully, the weekend is already appearing overwhelming. I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in. I think the one thing that tipped the scales is the fact that I have to buy something to wear on Monday. I have many suits, so I better not buy another one, although I would love a new gray one... but that is just silly. My brown suit is really pretty, but I need a new blue blouse to match the pinstripe. For me, shopping for blouses is painful. The last time I was shopping for bras and whining about it, the salesclerk at Victoria's Secret told me that woman pay thousands of dollars to get what I am complaining about! So I will shut up.

"We have to grow or else deteriorate. For us, the status quo can only be for today, never for tomorrow. Change we must; we cannot stand still." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 25

Friday Morning

Yesterday was a long and painful day at work. After a particularly brutal meeting, I went into my boss' office and told him that I need to take another day of sick leave because I am simply not getting better. He told me to go ahead. And here I am... off sick on a Friday. And I am so grateful. Not that I am sick, but that I can take 3 days off in one week, even though there will be hell to pay for it. I have got to get well. I am not dripping snot and coughing and sneezing now, but I am just NOT well. I have not run since last Saturday!

On Wednesday morning, after the 6:30 a.m. meeting, a man I really like came up to me and said "I found your blog." That blew me away! I am not clear on why though. I have really thought about it. I think I have only told 2 or 3 of my "real" peeps about my blog - it is not a secret, but it is not something I really talk about either. I asked him how he found it, and how he knew it was me. And then I thought about my integrity. Do I stand by everything I have written? Do I feel bad about anything I have written about myself or someone else? Have I carelessly tossed around another person's name without their knowledge or permission? I think I feel OK about my blog and that I stand behind every word I have written - but I do have a certain creepiness about having used the first names of people on occasion. I think I will stop doing that.

My son has gone golfing and I am going back to bed.

"We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance. Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize to laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produce the contrary effect." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 125

Eating lunch

This is a cell phone photo of my yesterday's lunch. It seems I am on a Vietnamese kick. This was a Vietnamese noodle bowl with shrimp. It was a taste sensation, I tell you!

Work is trying right now. Trying every thing I have got. But I know that God is always with me, whether I am having a fun time or a bad time. It is all good.

"Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked for you. Offer him friendship and fellowship." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 95

I'm Alive!

I woke up yesterday at about 3:00 p.m., wanting to have pho (vietnamese beef noodle soup). I couldn't find any delivered pho, so we went and picked some up. It was so delicious. My son said it was pho'kin great. After I ate the pho, I decided I really MUST have a pedicure. That was when my son observed that I was suddenly really feeling better.

I went and got my toesies done. It was a wonderful thing. To have your legs salt scrubbed and your feet soaked and rubbed and filed and nipped and clipped, it is a thing of glory. But I usually don't feel really comfortable about it. It seems a bit too decadent to me. If I spend $40. on groceries or an article of clothing, it seems a pittance. If I spend $40. to have some little asian woman laboring over my feet - that just seems like it is wasteful and wrong. Yesterday it seemed OK because I was sick, it really was therapeutic, my toes looked BAD, and I am (still) too sick to do my usual work on my feet.

So I am feeling better. I am up early and going to go to the 6:30 meeting this morning. I have not been to a meeting since my abysmal experience at the "beginners" meeting last Thursday. Then I will go face the music at work. Thankfully, I have made it to round 2 of the interview process for the other job I have applied for. (sorry Daave, ending a sentence with a proposition, er, I mean preposition - but to quote Winston Churchill, when an editor changed a sentence he wrote "This is the kind of impertinence up with which I shall not put.")

I have not run since Saturday - when I ran 5 miles instead of my scheduled 10. I didn't know then why I felt so tired - I found out on Sunday when I felt like I got hit by the freight train of whatever illness I just had. This lost week of training will probably have a negative impact on my half-marathon on October 14... oh well. Training for a half-marathon is a lot of pressure. I really can't wait to run again just for the joy of it - not because I am training for anything.

I am a chatty cathy this morning, eh? I am so grateful to be back among the living. Three days in bed is a long dang time. Sometimes it takes that to get grateful for who I am and the life I have though. Today I am really grateful!

"There is God, our Father, who very simply says 'I am waiting for you to do my will.' The other authority is named John Barleycorn, and he says 'You had better do God's will or I will kill you." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 319

Uncommonly Ill

I slept almost all day yesterday and all last night. I have been up for an hour now, and am about to go back to bed. I have to make that phone call to work that still brings on anxiety. It seems that no matter how long I stay sober, I still remember those drunken and hungover calls to work, with some lame excuse for why I couldn't come to work that day. Back in the day, being a girl and having a man boss, saying it was "that time of the month" seemed to work well because it embarrassed the man. Boy, that WAS a long time ago. What a drunken hag I was. Manipulative, mean-spirited person.

Yesterday they called me from work because some big disaster is going on there. I cannot believe that I was sick enough to explain to an assistant where to find stuff and advise her on what to do, but I absolutely could not come in to work. It is days like these that make or break careers, and I was powerless to do anything but go back to sleep. And today is another day when I probably should go to work, but I can't.

I can barely see straight enough to write this. I had a cold like this last winter - I was in bed for many days.

So as I lay in bed, I thank God that I have a job where I have many days of sick leave. I thank God that I have a pretty and comfortable bed where I can lay my sick little head. I thank God that I have pretty velvet drapes over lace curtains and that I can see the many still green leaves of a huge tree in my front yard through the curtains. It is very peaceful. I am also so so so grateful that I haven't seen my friend Larry for about a week. I think this illness would kill him he is in such poor health. Thank You God for keeping me away from him for a day or two.

"Your misfortune has become your good fortune. You AAs are a privileged people." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 133

Hello?

me: Hello, boss' secretary? This is Mary Christine.
her: Hello?
me: Yes, I won't be coming in today. I am quite sick.
her: Hello?
me: You can't hear me because I don't have a voice, but trust me, I am too sick to come in.
her: Who is this?
me: I will send you an e-mail.
her: Hello?
me: Good-bye.

This is a calling-in-sick post. I am too sick to even post anything. I have got an aching head, a running nose, a bottle brush stuck in my throat, and even a fever.

Still grateful to be sober, but I can't even read the small print of the big book today, so no quote.

Sobriety is More...

Yesterday my sponsee Janine called me. Her father had just died. She was crying, but she was grateful. She had been so worried that he would end up dying in the hospital, and he wanted so much to die at home. She had been worried about how much pain he would have in those last days, hours, minutes. All of these things worked out as best they could. He died at home, surrounded by his family.

Janine got to hold his hand as he passed.

Sobriety is so much more than not drinking (but of course, not drinking is a requirement!). And it is so much more than just for us. We get to be present at the important events in our lives, and the important events of those we love, and who love us. Whether it is pleasant or not, we get to be there. We get to go, and see what we can bring instead of what we can take.

I am so grateful to have this incredible woman in my life. I am so grateful the she gets to be sober and a part of her family today, and I bet they are grateful too.

"As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Red Door

Here's what's on my agenda for today:
Run 10 miles
Paint the trim on my garage door
Paint the trim on my front porch
Paint the Front Door RED!
I bought the paint last night after work. I caulked the trim around my garage door. I put primer on my front door - where it used to be green, it is now white.

I have a busy day. Then I am going to see my priest for confession at 3:30, and then Mass at 5:00. I don't know how I can do all of this in one day, but I shall try. I think the run is what is going to get shortened - 7 miles, 10 miles, what the heck is the difference?

Thank God I am sober and know that the day will end with me doing my written 10th step, while sitting in bed. I will thank God for the day, just like I thanked him last night. I have asked for his help and guidance through this day, and I am reasonably sure that I will not need a drink to liven up the day, and therefore won't get into any fights with my neighbors while I am painting. I don't think the police will be called. I likely won't spill a gallon of paint on the driveway ( I hope). Since there won't be a drink involved, I think I can be reasonably sure that my day won't involve any of these calamities - although there still may be some!

"Human beings are never quite alike, so each of us, when making an inventory, will need to determine what his individual character defects are. Having found the shoes that fit, he ought to step into them and walk with new confidence that he is at last on the right track." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 281

One Alcoholic, Reaching Out to Another Alcoholic...

I do believe that is why AA has worked where everything else had failed. We are just a bunch of drunks who have found a way to stay sober and hope to pass that along to others because it helps us to stay sober. (here's the disclaimer, I slept too late this morning, I didn't run this morning, and I have a lingering broken heart - this might be where the leakage into my life is showing....)

So, last night I went to the 5:30 meeting, they have declared the Thursday night meeting a "newcomers" meeting in the last few months. I liked it at first. Last night it just hit me all wrong. Very wrong. At the beginning of the meeting, they ask for the usual... anyone at their first, 2nd, or 3rd meeting since their last drink?... clap, clap, clap. Anyone in their first 30 days? clap, clap, clap. Anyone celebrating 30, 60, or 90 days? clap, clap, clap. Anyone celebrating an anniversary of a year, or multiples thereof? clap, clap, clap. (This is what my friend Larry calls the Academy Awards.) Then they go on with this meeting and ask all of those in their first year to raise their hand. Most of the hands in the room go up. This is where they lost me. Then the format is that the "new" people, in their first year of sobriety, share in the first half of the meeting, and then the experts will respond in the second half.

Hmmm. so why not rope off the room in the middle. Or get color coded tee-shirts. People with 30 days or less get red tee shirts, 30-60 days get yellow, 60-90 get green, 90 days to 60 months - blue... etc.

AA works because we are all in the same boat. Any time you cut that up, you cup up our chances for recovery. I really believe that. We all start by saying "my name is ____, I am an alcoholic." I do not hyphenate my alcoholism. I don't say I am a GRATEFUL alcoholic, a HAPPY alcoholic, a RECOVERING, or RECOVERED alcoholic. When I do that, I separate myself from you. I divide our commonality. I say I AM SPECIAL.

Does it make us feel better on some level to believe that once I have achieved x amount of time of sobriety that I will be immune from drink or insanity? Does it make "new" people feel better to believe that we have rankings in AA? I looked around that room last night and realized that I was sober longer than anyone there. What the hell kind of honor is that? I just want to be one of the drunks. I just want to talk to a new lady and show her that I care, that I understand, and that I have found a way to stay sober. I don't want to sit on one side of the room and be set up as an expert. An expert what?

I won't be going back to that meeting. I can go any other day of the week, and most of those same people will be there, but I find the format on Thursday extremely offensive.

SO THERE!

"As sobriety means long life and happiness for the individual, so does unity mean exactly the same thing to our Society as a whole. Unified we live, disunited we shall perish." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 229

I'm in love...

With my new lawn mower. This thing rocks. It is quiet, it is energy efficient (using only my arm, leg, and back power), it is supposed to actually be good for the grass. And I can use it when I want to. I won't wake anyone up using this thing!

A man I deeply respected in AA used to say that you could do an instant test of how well you were really doing in AA by looking at how well you "blend" in the world with the rest of the people. Whenever I am standing outside on my lawn, talking to my neighbors, I marvel at what a miracle it is to just be standing there, a neighbor among neighbors. By the Grace of God I get to "blend" most of the time today.

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

Dark at 6:01 a.m.

Did I ever tell y'all about my primeval fear of dogs? Do you know how this complicates running outdoors on an almost daily basis? When I was five years old, I was at my father's company picnic. A little boy and I (this is what my ex-husband said is the real problem- the boy) decided to take a walk. We could not read yet, so couldn't read the sign that said "NO TRESPASSING, GUARD DOGS" and yes, we got attacked by dogs. It was very traumatic. I remember going to the hospital, I remember that I was very fortunate and did not have life-threatening injuries. I also remember that I spent the remainder of my youth being terrified of dogs. Any dog, poodles, pomeranians, chihauhuas, it mattered not.

Then, in my early 20s, I had a boyfriend with a dog (maybe my ex-husband was right about what my real problem is) and I learned to love the dog named "blue". I have learned to love many dogs over the years. But I still have a problem with stranger dogs. Dogs I meet on the sidewalk. Dogs don't like runners much. I carry pepper spray. I have never once used it, but it makes me feel better.

I have another long-ass story for why I don't like being outside as a pedestrian in the dark, but I will save it for another day.

So, now it is 6:10 a.m., and I will get out of here for my run. It is still dark though. But I can thank God that today I do not have to be a prisoner of my fears. I can look the world in the eye, and move forward. This I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.

"So fear need not always be destructive, because the lessons of its consequences can lead us to positive values." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 22

Tuesday September Eleventh

I am grateful that I can be present in today. I can acknowledge past September Elevenths, and honor what it means - but it is not required that I be unhappy today. So, I don't think I will!

My mother died on June 18, 1971. After 1971, I would have a miserable time on that day each year. I was married on September 5 one year and after the marriage fell apart, I would suffer terribly on each September 5 - remembering the sunlit joy of my youth and the foolish hopes and dreams that did not work out the way I wanted. I can name so many dates it is ridiculous. When my father died, I purposely decided that I would not remember the date. I can remember the date of his birth, and have happy memories of his life. I can remember other memorable dates and the joy involved. His death? that was not a highlight of his long life. I know that it was at the end of August in 1993. I have his obituary somewhere and holy cards with his dates if I really need to know, but I haven't needed to know yet.

I got a new garage door yesterday! It is beautiful! I have been saying "I have to get a new garage door" since I moved into this house on September 28, 2001 (oooops!) I am so glad I finally bit the bullet and wrote the check for a nice new garage door. And now I will get rid of the darker green trim on my house and paint it white - so I will have a pale green house with white trim. But I need to paint my front door a new and wonderful color. I am thinking RED. I love red, but I seem to remember some suggestion that it denoted a "house of ill-repute." Does anyone else think that?

So today - my son is asleep downstairs. I still have jars of salsa lined up on my kitchen counter - because I love the way they look. I have a nice job to go to, and lots of meetings to attend there -where they are actually awaiting my peculiar skill at quantifying everything. At work it is called data analysis and research - at home it is called being a pain in the ass. I have an AA meeting to attend after work. I have homework to do - I had my first Biblical School Class last night - it was awesome! Life is good. I have a broken heart, but my heart has been broken before and it has always mended, I know that I am being cared for by a loving God and all is well.

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep and abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." - July 16 reading from Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Lotsa Salsa

This is what I did yesterday, and believe me, it took all day. Specifically from 10:00 a.m. till 8:30 p.m. It was good therapy. And now I have almost enough salsa to last a year.

I went to my old home group yesterday morning. Someone was there celebrating 20 years of sobriety. My friend Elmer told him "Congratulations on your 20 years, that's a good start." I laughed, but I was the only one. I have grown accustomed to a meeting where the people with 20 days are the experts, doling out advice to the "newcomers." So, I looked around this room and counted 12 people with over 20 years of sobriety. No one thought it was funny or cute to call 20 years "a good start." Oh Thank You God, I need to remember where I belong. This is the group of people I got sober with. We were a bunch of misfits back then - that is why I like the new meeting with the 20 day sober people being the experts - it was in a group like that that I got sober. We hung out together, as someone said yesterday in the meeting, we were all together in a sinking ship. And we stayed sober.

So now I can go to this group and be one of the gang. No one thinks I am stellar for my 23 years of sobriety. No one has outrageous expectations of me, they just expect me to be me. AND they remember what I used to be like. There is something so comforting in that. To sit in a room with more than a couple of people who have known me from day 1 of sobriety is just wonderful. And I am so grateful that in this room, no one is the expert. We are just a bunch of drunks. Most of us are sober for a long time, but none of us have "graduated" to where we come to meetings to make speeches about how great we are.

I thank God for the loving arms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The healing power of a bunch of drunks. It is most incredible, but it works. I have come to trust in its power.

"God will not desert us when the chips are down; indeed, He did not when we were drinking. And so it should be with the remainder of life. Certainly, He does not plan to save us from all troubles and adversity. Nor, in the end, does He save us from so-called death- since this is but an opening of a door into a new life, where we shall dwell among His many mansions. Touching these things I know you have a most confident faith." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 221

Morning After

I am going to my old home group this morning... Called the Morning After group. We/They meet at 7:30 a.m., each day. It is about 25 miles from here, so I don't go all that often - although I used to go every weekend. In the insanity of the intense winter weather we had last year, I got out of the habit of driving across town to a meeting.

This morning, I need to go somewhere that people love me. Somewhere that I am sure to run into a few people who have known me since my first day of sobriety, July 24, 1984. Sort of like a chicken noodle soup and jello kind of meeting. Not that it is a "gentle" group, it is certainly not that. It is a bunch of rough and tumble truckers and bikers and some executives and business owners, a jeweler, a landscaper, and a bunch of people who do God-alone-knows what. They are rough around the edges and there is a lot of colorful language used there. But it is where I belong this morning.

Yesterday was a hard day. I cried until I was sick. I cried until I had one of the worst headaches of my life. I was actually hanging over the toilet bowl, hoping to vomit - somehow I had forgotten to eat all day and I was very sick to my stomach... I didn't throw up though. By the end of the day, I felt like I had a terrible, terrible hangover. A person is not meant to cry that much, I am sure of that. I went to church last night and cried for an hour and a half there. I used an entire packet of kleenex just at church. I am not going to get into the specifics of what happened, but I will tell you not to worry about me or my family - we are fine. I was just hurt over something.... something a reasonably astute reader might be able to speculate about.

The good news? I didn't drink. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to take my own life. I didn't want to take the life of another. I don't owe anyone an amends. I didn't say anything cruel to another person. I am not angry, I am not growing a resentment. I was just hurt. And thank God today I can identify that feeling and feel it.

They say "feeling is healing" but I know that I can take this to extremes and go right off the deep end... I need to move on and have a productive day. I cannot wallow in this. I am going to the meeting this morning, then to my favorite farmers market to get the stuff I need for a day of making salsa. This place is going to smell heavenly in a couple of hours.

"When ready, we say something like this: ' My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.' We have then completed Step Seven." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

Saturday Meeting

I am heading out of here, as I do on most Saturday mornings, to a 6:30 a.m. AA meeting. I love this meeting. Today there should be a special guest appearance of the man I had been dating for the last year (but not talking about). He moved away in June, and I haven't seen him since then.

My son is downstairs sleeping. The crickets are still singing (is that what they do?) outside. The sun is not up yet. This is really my favorite time of the day, on my favorite day of the week, in my favorite time of the year.

I better get myself ready and get out of here. Have a great sober Saturday everyone.

"Anyone can get sober. We have all done it lots of times. The trick is to stay and to live sober." -- Living Sober, p. 2 (unmarked, but it is the 2nd page after the table of contents)

2 years, 716 posts

It was 2 years today that I started this blog. I started it to have a conversation with someone who was bugging me on my other blog - I knew he was an AA member, and I didn't want to identify as such on the blog with my full name and picture - anonymity, you know. I posted occasionally for a couple of months and didn't really see the point because I was getting no indication that the blog had any use at all.

On November 28, 2005, Ms. Trudge found my blog and put a link to it on hers. It was oh so exciting to visit my blog one afternoon and find that there were SEVEN comments on my most recent post! I couldn't believe it! People were reading my blog! It was so exciting. I came to know people through their blogs and I felt that my sobriety had been enriched profoundly.

Since then, many of the people who were part of my daily blog life have stopped blogging. Some of them are drinking or using. Some of them have gotten more healthy and moved from "virtual" sobriety to the real thing - real sponsors, real meetings, real recovery. Some of them have just lost interest in blogging I guess. And that would make the sober blogging community much like the AA community out there, people come and go.

I am not a come-and-go kind of gal. I was when I was drinking. When I got sober, I jumped into AA with both feet, and never looked back. I have been consistently IN AA for a little over 23 years, and sober all that time. I do not "move on" in my life and stop doing the things that have saved my life. I just keep plugging along, because I know from years of watching people, what happens when you start to think you have graduated to a higher plane of recovery and now you just give advice, provide support, or occasionally bestow your blessings on the unwashed masses at an AA meeting. I am an alcoholic every single day of my life, I am just as much of an alcoholic today - 23 years out from my last drink- as I was in 1984 in my first year of sobriety. God has greatly blessed me with a life today that I could not have dreamed when I was new, but I am clear that left to my own devices, I am a drunk!

I had considered discontinuing this blog. The lack of comments was very disconcerting to me. I have made some friends through blogging and even if I stopped blogging, I know I would continue to visit their blogs and keep up with them by e-mail. But as far as every single day spending hours writing this thing and keeping up with you all, I really questioned whether it was something of value or not.

I posted about this the other day. I was hesitant to do it because I didn't want to seem like someone saying "if you don't give me what I want I will go away and you will never see me again - you'll be sorry!" But then again, I didn't just want to disappear, I don't behave like that anymore. It did elicit comments from "lurkers" and for that I am truly grateful. I also got comments from my regular readers and I am grateful for that too. I also got comments about "not needing validation." oh, poooh.

If I was just writing for me, I could write in a journal. I don't need to put it out for all to see. Since I put it out here for all to see, I would like to know, in a general way, who is looking at it. When you have posted every day for 2 years, your blog will come up in a search for just about anything. I have written about lasagna falling apart when you slice it (and people search for info about that, really, really, they do), apple pie, key lime pie, lemon meringue pie, dead snowmen, running in every kind of weather phenomena, having my son in Iraq, having him return from Iraq, shopping for shoes, back to school shopping for kids, having a summer romance, having a summer romance fall apart, etc., etc., etc. I have also written about staying sober one day at a time for "x" number of years, having a wonderful sponsor, being a (wonderful?) sponsor, going to every kind of AA meeting, AA picnics, AA potlucks, AA conventions, and AA funerals.

I do not need the validation of you liking what I write, or your approval of what I write. I just wanted to know if I was just standing in the middle a busy highway intersection talking to myself. I think I have found out that I am not talking to myself. There are those who are listening. I appreciate you, I truly do. You don't have to comment every day - I would LOVE it if you did though - but I do need to know that I am not just talking to myself. You also don't have to agree with me. I pretty much stick to my own experience, strength, and hope - nothing to argue about there - but I do, on occasion foray into the landmine of opinion. I would also like to say that I find it disconcerting that people who are "new" in AA have somehow gotten the impression that they have nothing to offer an "oldtimer" like me. Puh-Lease! AA is the great democracy... it is not a hierarchy. We all help each other.

So, thanks to everyone. I will keep at this blogging. When I am sharing in an AA meeting, I always end by saying "Thanks for listening." At one of my very first meetings, a man was talking about what a miracle it is that in a room full of alcoholics, we share - one person at a time - and the whole room listens. It truly is a miracle when we listen to each other. As a person who grew up, the youngest of 5 children, in an alcoholic family - I was always told to be quiet, calm down, you don't have to shout, stop talking... when I got to AA, for the first time in my life, I really felt that I was being listened to, and this is quite an honor. Thank you.

"In any meeting, anywhere, AAs share experience, strength, and hope with each other, in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics. Modem-to-modem or face-to-face, AAs speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxiv

Driving in the Rain

Coming home last night. It was raining. It was nice and cool. I love when summer ends. I love when summer begins too. I love fall the best - except when it is winter, or spring, or summer.

My friend Larry calls me most days and says stuff like this - The good news is, I didn't drink last night. And I didn't want one this morning. God has given me this gift, all I have to do is agree with Him.

Every day is a revelation when we are sober. It is a living, loving gift from God. May you agree with God today and live this day to its sober fullest.

"Our entire AA program rests upon the principle of mutual trust. We trust God, we trust AA, and we trust each other." -- Twelve Concepts, p. 16

Happy Birthday to dAAve!

One of my very favorite people anywhere on earth is celebrating 4 years of continuous sobriety today. Please go over and wish dAAve a happy birthday.

I am going out for a run in spite of lingering pain from pulling weeds on Monday (who knew that pulling weeds for 2 hours would cause such pain and agony?)

I will then come back home and bathe and dress as becomingly as I can, to go off to work. Once there, I will put a smile on my face, greet the people I come in contact with, go to the meetings that are on my agenda for today, and work at some major projects in the meantime. I will give my best for 8 hours.

When I leave there at the end of the day, I will go to a 5:30 meeting. I will get to see many people I love and see what is going on with them.

Then I will come home again and see what is going on here. It is so unusual for me to have someone living with me, that the concept of things going on at home while I am not here is really an unusual and fun idea.

Have a great sober 24 everyone.

"Being convinced, we were at Step Three...." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60

Back to Work

Today was supposed to be a running day. I just cannot make myself go out there. I pulled weeds for 2 hours yesterday, and then went for a bike ride and my entire body hurts. I guess one day off training will not kill me. I just can't do it I tell you!

This is probably whining, or even worse, manipulation - but I am baffled about something. This blog is getting more hits than ever, but the number of comments seems to dwindle by the day. These days I get four or five comments when I used to get 15 or 20. Yesterday for instance, my blog was visited 63 times, and yet only five people left comments. I think that comments are the fuel that keep me going on this thing. And I am running out of gas. I just don't see what the point is if my only readership are random people searching for stuff on google. If I thought they were people looking for help with their alcoholism and that they found the link to Alcoholics Anonymous here - or some hope here - I would think it is worthwhile. But I have no way of knowing that. And frankly, if someone got here by searching for "An Alcoholic Drink That Will Put A Woman Under In Minutes" - really, yesterday someone got my blog by searching for this - I don't think my blog is much help to them.

September 7 is the 2nd anniversary of this blog. I think I will pray about this and wait until the 7th to make a decision.

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bills Sees It, p. 115

Labor Day

I am going to go out now and pull weeds in my back yard. They are out of control. I haven't wanted to touch them, but for some reason, this morning I woke up and thought I could deal with it today. It is only 57 degrees outside, and I got some rest this weekend so I can handle a bit of hard labor (on Labor Day).

My daughter and son left my house to go to their friend's house on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday morning I got a phone call - they are in Las Vegas. Oh, to be young. They will be back later today.

I spent hours on the phone with AA people yesterday. It was good. I got several reports from the state convention and I am glad I made the decision I did about going. I am so grateful for the wonderful friendships I have made in Alcoholics Anonymous.

"The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it." -- Alcoholics Anonymous (3rd edition), p. 553 (Freedom From Bondage)

Sunday, September 2, 2007

It is a beautiful Sunday Morning. The sun isn't quite up yet, the birds are singing, the air has the coolness of late summer, it is nice. I went to Nightwatch (where we answer the after-hours calls to the AA Central Office) instead of church last night, so I am going to Mass this morning at 7:30.

I took an 8 mile run with my daughter yesterday. It kicked my butt. I am still tired.

And I still get another day off work after today!

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 115

Saturday Morning, 3 Day Weekend, See You in September

How excellent! It is pre-dawn on a Saturday morning of a three day weekend. I am going to wash my face, throw on some clothes, and head out to a 6:30 meeting. My daughter will be here at 8 to go out and run 8 miles with me. Then Night Watch is tonight, so I will likely bake a pie for that - and those are my sole plans for the weekend.

I may buy a reel lawn mower this weekend. When I tell people that, they assume I am saying a "real" lawn mower. But no, it is a REEL lawn mower. You know, no engine, no motor, no noise, no gasoline. Just blades cutting the grass, being powered by a human being. We shall see if I do this.

I went shopping with my daughter the other night. I was looking at coffee filters and expressed delight and amazement at the idea of a permanent coffee filter! She started laughing and sheepishly walked away. I had to ask her "what is so funny?" and she said she would tell me but I might get offended. But I pressed her. She said "Are you going to pull your camera out of your purse and take a picture of the coffee filters?" - ha ha. I truly laughed out loud. It was funny. And this is just ONE of the ways blogging has affected my life.

The other way it has affected my life is that I have gotten to know, through your blogs, a number of exceptionally wonderful sober alcoholics. Here is a brief illustration of this:

In April I came to Texas for a wedding. Our dear friend dAAve told me he would be happy to drive me around Houston and that when I got there, I could return my rental car and he would be sure to get me around town and to the airport when I left. Let me tell you, I do not visit my own family without my own car.... and I do not trust ANYONE to drive me to the airport. But, based on the fact that I know that dAAve always posts on his blog every single day - unless he has told us he won't - I trusted him to pick me up, drive me around, and get me to the airport on time. And he did. And furthermore, I don't know when I have been treated so hospitably as I was treated by dAAve, Scott, Pammie, Zane, and other wonderful Houston Sober Bloggers.

I have also met Lash, Motorcycle Mike, and others. What a wonderful thing to meet these people. To sit in a restaurant with Lash, and having just met, and just kind of pick up where we left off - because we have been reading each others' blogs for a couple years - is so cool - and it doesn't hurt that he is REALLY nice to look at!

OK, I gotta get to my meeting. Have a great sober weekend everyone. XXXOOO

"Each day my friend's simple talk in our kitchen multiplies itself in a widening circle of peace on earth and good will to men." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 16

Happy Friday Morning

Blogger wouldn't let me type in a title, I only had a drop down box of all the titles I have ever used, and I thought this one was apt. I have a three day weekend ahead of me. The State AA Convention is this weekend, but I decided not to go. I had planned to go and stay with my sponsor and her husband. I was also planning to see a man I was dating (but not talking about) who moved to the western slope in June.

I decided that there is a man here in my house (my son) who I have missed for over a year (while he was in Iraq). My heart is happy every time I see him. I do not care to miss many opportunities to spend time with him. He will be back in his own apartment soon enough. I will get over to visit my sponsor and the man later on in the year when the time is right. But this weekend, I just want to be at home.

I also think there should be people sitting in the regular old boring meetings - without the super star circuit speakers - for the drunks who stumble in, unaware that everyone has gone to the State Convention!!! I will gladly be the regular old sober alcoholic, sitting in the regular old meeting, waiting for the regular old drunks. Let the rest of them go off and get shiney and dressed up and give standing ovations for an alcoholic telling their story (can you tell I have a big problem with that? I do!)

"Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as AA members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public. As we lay aside these very human aspirations, we believe that each of us takes part in the weaving of a protective mantle which covers our whole Society and under which we may grow and work in unity." -- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 187

More Shoes

I love to purchase new shoes. I love to purchase too many shoes. I spend entirely too much money on shoes. I used to buy lots of nice new high heeled shoes to wear to work. Lately I wear my old high heeled shoes to work and save my money for the important shoes - like sandals, running shoes, hiking boots, and other recreational footwear.

I am off to church now. One hour of silent prayer has great restorative powers.

"(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60

Wednesday, Trash Day

I get to take the trash cans out to the curb this morning. I get to take the chinese cartons out of the refrigerator and put them in the trash - I didn't want to throw lots of chicken and spare ribs into a trash can and let them sit for days in my very hot garage. There are at least three pizza cartons too. And pop cans. Weird. I can definitely tell that my life is very different today. Having a family around is wonderful and very different.

Last night we went out for dinner at a wonderful restaurant. We laughed and had the best time. My kids were bemused that when our entrees were served, I pulled my camera out of my purse and took a picture of mine. I never saw anything like it.

I am starting to feel like myself again. But I am dealing with the fallout of a year where I didn't want to make any major changes or deal with anything that wasn't life threatening. So now that my son is home, safe and sound, I am faced with a job that has turned into a nightmare. And the emotional fallout of that - I am broken hearted because I fully intended to retire from this job. Today I will put the finishing touches on a job application and a written essay that went with it, and I will drop it off and get it out of my hands.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

My nature vs. what is good

First let me tell you: I don't even want to write this blog entry today. For reasons I won't go into - I just did and then deleted it because I sound like Wendy Whiner. But I will write because I made a commitment to do this, and I try with all my might to honor my commitments.

Now I just deleted 3 paragraphs of what is going on in my life. I don't feel like sharing that today.

Here is what I will say: yesterday I discovered that somehow in the excitement of having my son here and all that goes with that, I had forgotten to pick up my estrogen refill at the pharmacy - 2 weeks ago. I was having mood stuff going on, and I was having hot flashes and night sweats, and somehow it didn't register that I hadn't been taking my estrogen? It will take a couple days to get back to some semblance of normalcy (for me.)

I will go out for a run at first light. I am training for a half-marathon. I love to run and it frequently straightens out my thinking. I think there is something so therapeutic about the rhythm of breathing and foot strikes, being out in the morning air and sunshine, and working up a sweat.

Mainly what I will do is know that the way I "feel" is not an accurate gauge of my spiritual condition. Being "happy" does not mean I am doing what is right or good. I will trust God and know that all is well. All is just as it should be.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 3

Monday Morning

I love Monday Morning. The whole week is ahead of me. Sometimes the work week seems like a place to rest up from the weekend. I had hoped for some rest over the weekend, but that never happened. I am not used to having a life so full of people. It is good, but it does wear me out.

I am heading out of here this morning to my 6:30 meeting. It is a great way to start a week. When I get to work, I have a meeting with my boss. I have got some real problems with this man. I will pray about what to say to him.

I am so grateful to be sober this morning. I am so grateful I didn't drink yesterday and didn't wake up wanting a drink today. It's just as simple as that. "Ask Him in the morning, and thank Him at night."

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.'"-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87, 88

Men and Women in AA

My friend Larry was recently told by a woman he helped to get sober that she couldn't talk to him anymore. Her sponsor said so. Because he is a man. She is a woman and he is a man. And her sponsor says she can't talk to him.

What a wonderful way to cut your chances at recovery in half. What a fabulous way to spit in the face of God's Grace - and tell God who he ought to put in your life. What an efficient way to narrow your world down by 50%. And probably there are more rules in there that whittle it right down to far less than 50%.

When I was new in AA, there were certainly sponsors who advised their "pigeons" to stick to the women - hang out only with women. Stay away from the men. I looked at these sponsors and thought, in my newcomer's supreme judgment, that these women were old and unattractive and had no chance of being with a man and so they didn't want anyone else to either. (And furthermore, I have never had a sponsor who called me anything other than a "sponsee" or even a "friend". I am not a pigeon. I am not a baby. I am an adult human being. A female alcoholic human being. )

I was far more comfortable with men than women. That is a trait common to probably most alcoholic women. I found sober men to hang out with. Most of the time it was a healthy thing. Sometimes it wasn't. I didn't get to AA with a surplus of virtue, most people don't. Part of what I found so appealing about AA when I got here was the number of men - and they all seemed to like me pretty well. I loved the attention. I also hung out with sober women. I had a sober woman sponsor. But I really loved the men. I spent hours each day on the phone with them. I slept with some of them! (Shock! Horror!) At one point, I had a male sponsor and I slept with him! (Shock! Horror!) And by the Grace of God, not my fabulous WORK, I stayed sober.

By the time I was sober about 5 years, I stopped carrying on like this. I had created a lot of wreckage in my sobriety. God had made me ready to change. And he gave me the ability to stop doing things I thought I would never stop doing. And I was grateful. But like my drinking, I wasn't ready to change this behavior until I was ready to change.

By the time I was sober about 10 years, I realized that some of the myths I believed about AA were simply not true. I had believed there was a shortage of sober women. I started looking around the rooms at meetings and when I opened my eyes, I saw that there were women, usually quiet and unassuming, who were sober for decades. In almost every room, there were these women. I started talking to these women. I found that most of them were pretty much like me. They had hung out with the men. They were not all as promiscuous as I had been, but they had hung out with men. Some of them had men for sponsors.

I started watching the women who cluck around each other, like a little herd of hens. They get fragile, their world view gets very narrow. They have one faith or another that they share and don't much approve of people who don't. In my experience, in my observations, they do not stay sober.

We drunks make up a great mosaic in AA. Each piece separately might seem to have very limited value, but the picture would not be complete without it. Each person brings something to AA, something we need. I don't tell God that this mosaic would be OK if only the red pieces were removed. I only want the blue pieces. Maybe green, but definitely not red or purple. I believe that God puts just the right people into my life each and every day. I would not dare to tell God who He ought to put into my life.

In my sobriety, I believe I have made every mistake a person can make. The only things I have done consistently right are going to meetings and not picking up a drink. I don't believe that I keep me sober by works. I believe that I am sober by the Grace of a Loving God. I would not advocate doing a lot of the things I have done, but I know that each day I can only do things to the best of my ability, and as a newly sober woman, I didn't have much ability. We aren't meant to get to AA and get perfect overnight. We will improve with time if we just don't drink.

"Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought AA membership ever depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 565 (the third tradition)