Leaving on a jet plane

I did not sleep much last night. I am excited about the trip, but also anxious. I don't like flying. But it does give me a good reason to do some serious meditation - which always works to alleviate my anxiety.

I don't think I will be able to post while I am gone. If I find a stray computer, I will though.

Have a great weekend everybody. I will be back on Tuesday if not before.

"There is only one sure test of all spiritual experiences: 'By their fruits, ye shall know them.' This is why I think we should question no one's transformation - whether it be sudden or gradual. Nor should we demand anyone's special type for ourselves, because experience suggests that we are apt to receive whatever may be the most useful for our own needs." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 281

Taking a Trip....

Got to take my books with me.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss and got everything approved that I thought I never would. So some new stuff at work will be rolling out on July 1. I feel so happy about this. Today I just have to wrap up a few things and clean up my desk and take care of the stuff you do when you go on vacation... put a voice mail on the phone that says I will be back on July 3, do an e-mail response that says I will be back on July 3, etc.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 82

Green Shoes!

I found them and they are cute! And they match the blouse I was trying to match. Yippeeee! Thanks for the wonderful suggestions about spray paint yesterday. You guys rock! Now I have noticed another cultural phenomenon.... younger people tend to think these are "nice" shoes, because they are cute, and have sequins. People "my" age tend to think they are "flip flops." I will always try to err on the side of youth, besides I have looked absolutely everywhere and this is absolutely the only pair I could find in this shade.

I am getting so dang excited about my vacation. I should be seeing the man either tonight or tomorrow - he thinks all my shopping activities are cute... that is a good thing.

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 102

Shorter week

Oh my goodness. Trying to get ready to take a vacation is a lot of work! I have a huge amount of work to do at work. It doesn't help that I have timed my vacation to coincide with the end of the fiscal year... so essentially I have taken a week off the end of my fiscal year and I need to have everything done by Thursday afternoon when I leave.

Also, I NEED green shoes, dammit! I cannot find the proper shade of green shoes! I may be forced to wear black shoes to my brother's birthday party in Savannah. Oh my. I have one more place to try for the proper hue of green shoes tonight. Last night, I purchased a new swimming suit.... something we women just love doing. Standing in a fitting room, looking at all the imperfections of our bodies. Thank God for the fact that I have been going to the tanning salon since January. A good tan hides many, many flaws.

I am going to go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting this morning, which I usually only do on the weekends. But I am concerned about getting my regular meetings after work this week, and I know I won't be at my regular meetings this weekend. I don't want to go off to a weekend with my family - who almost all drink a LOT - and not be "meeting'd up". Thankfully, one of my nieces is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just love her and I cannot wait to see her. I think she has over 10 years now.

Short Week

I only have to work 4 days this week and then I am going on vacation! I leave on Friday morning for Savannah, GA, USA. I am very excited about seeing my family, getting out of town, and getting away from work for over a week. I will be back from Savannah next Monday, but I took that entire week off of work - just to kick back.

Yesterday walking across the campus of my Alma Mater, on my way to the class I am auditing, I had a bit of an epiphany. That is probably wild overstatement and hyperbole, but oh well. I recalled the first time I walked across the campus and into the building my class was in yesterday. The first time was in early 1997, I had an interview to see if they would accept me into their program. I was so nervous. I was sober 13 years, but still had that feeling that they would "find out" about me and never allow me to attend their prestigious University. But they did let me in, and I excelled, in fact, I graduated in 2000 "Magna Cum Laude". I missed Summa Cum Laude by only a fraction of a grade point. And then I went on to get my masters degree in 2001, all of this while working full time. I say this not to impress anyone, but because I am still astounded. I had spent 40 some years of my life convinced I was lazy and stupid!

I was also convinced of many other untruths. Little by little, as I stay sober, one day at a time, I hope that all of my untruths will be revealed and I will get to be the woman God intended me to be.

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 52

Back to School

I am getting ready to go to school today. I am auditing a graduate level Biostatistics class at my Alma Mater. I will be in the classroom from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. today. Right now I cannot imagine what I was thinking when I signed up for this! I SO don't want to go do this. But I will and most likely I will enjoy it immensely.

Happy Father's Day to all of you men and women. These days can sometimes feel like the worst days of all to some of us. These can be days when the rest of the world looks like a wonderful place, and we are standing on the outside, forever looking in. I miss my dad terribly. I find that I talk about him almost every day. I will remember some little thing he used to say. I think it is days like these when it is most important to be around the fellowship, where we are likely to be around people who have had the same kinds of family problems, and we may find that our problems are small in comparison.

I better get going if I am going to get to my home group before I get to school.

"First things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 135

I love Saturday Mornings

This one especially. It is cool, only 63 degrees, there is the lovely breeze floating through my lace curtains I am always talking about. It is after seven, I have only just woken up, and still have my nightgown on.

I had a wonderful evening last night. It was a perfect night to go downtown - it was not hot, it was not cool. I could wear a sleeveless top and a pair of capris and be perfectly comfortable. The fact that I had at least one arm around me most of the time didn't hurt at all....

Which leads me to this....in the past, I have written about how public I think a blog is. As anyone who has read this for a while knows, I don't mind spilling my own guts all over the place - because it just might help someone else. However, I almost feel disloyal to this wonderful man to be writing about him without his knowledge or consent. As someone who has spent a lifetime working around health information, I know that I have not crossed the line by using his name or any other identifying information. However, emotionally, I think I better be really careful here. He is such a upright, solid, steady, kind, and GOOD man, I want to do nothing to dishonor him. I will be careful when I write about him.

We are going to a movie tonight. And then I have school all day tomorrow. On a Sunday in June, I am going to be sitting in a classroom from 9 to 4, brushing up my Biostatistics skills. Sheesh. There is something very wrong with this picture!

Today I am going to take a bike ride. As I said, it is a beautiful day. All the way around, just beautiful, a wonderful day to be a sober woman, alive in God's world.

"We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

Friday, June 16, 2006

It's Friday Morning! I am going to go to the gym, run 2.5 miles (please note the POINT in there, not 25 miles; 2 point 5 miles.) come back home, get ready for work.... go to work, and at the end of the day...come home, get dolled up, and go out on the town with the MAN! Oh, I cannot wait! Just please dear God, keep me away from any further retail opportunities today. I have been spending money like I have it.... I cannot continue to purchase a new outfit for every single time I go out with him. It is especially funny since he has no idea what is new clothes and what has been hanging in my closet for years! And the trips to Victoria's Secret have got to STOP! Okay. Enough!

I got to see my sponsee last night for the first time in several weeks. That was good. She has been working almost around the clock on a house she and her partner bought - to fix up and sell. They put it on the market this week. I hope they can sell it at quickly and at a good price. I am so grateful to have those two women in my life.

I am feeling like a 16 year old kid this morning. I better get on with my day. And thank God for it.

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 86

It's a heat wAAve!

So I am wearing my new boxers. Aren't they cute?

The open water swim was so excellent yesterday. It was 102 degrees outside, the sun was shining, and I don't think there could have been a better motivator to hop in some really, really cold water. The water was ice cold and clean. The wind kicked up though, so by the time we had put in a half hour of swimming, there were actually white caps and we needed to quit. We were both tired though and we had only planned on swimming for a half hour. My friend is such a jock, and so young, and only weighs about 3 lbs., that she is usually just so patient with my elderly-ness when we are biking or running. But when we are swimming, I actually was faster! And I actually could stop and offer HER a word of support and some tips on how to swim in open water without drowning. What fun!

The wonderful man needed to cancel our date last night, so we are scheduled to see each other tonight. I am getting more and more OK with this. It is hard to "date" when you are 54 years old, have been married three times, have had horrible experiences with men, and have pretty much decided to be alone for the rest of your life. Then along comes a man who is way more than I ever even dreamed. So, one day at a time, one date at a time, praying every day for God to either Bless it or Block it, I will try to enjoy this for what it is and not what it isn't.

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burining up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 87, 88

Happy Flag Day

Or is this just another excuse to post a picture of my front porch?

Today I am going for an open water swim in a reservoir after work with my friend the rec therapist. (The triathlon is on August 6, and my training has got to step up a notch or two.) It should be fun to swim... but very very cold. But with temperatures getting into the high nineties every single day, I guess the cold will feel good. Then after the swim, I have a date with the wonderful man.

It is also getting down to the wire with the trip to Savannah. I still have to rent a car. My sister wanted me to stay in a room with her and I told her I would get my own, and she had hurt feelings! But I hate sharing a room with someone! Hate! Hate! Hate! It would be nice to save that $400., but I don't want to have a miserable time.

I will get back from Savannah on the 26th, and my son will be home on leave for 11 days starting on the 29th. It will be so good to see him. He is staying here at my house! Yay! Then he will be shipping out (literally) for Iraq. He will spend 32 days on a ship... he is going with the equipment. God help me please.

"...all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of fatique." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 134

Happy Birthday Sober Chick!

Sober Chick has one year of sobriety today! To see 365 days - all in a row - sober, one trip around the sun.... it is a miracle.

"If you are honestly trying to live the way you believe God wants you to live, you can get guidance from God in times of quiet communion with Him, provided your thoughts are directed towards God's will and all good things. The attitude of "Thy will, not mine, be done" leads to clear guidance." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the Day, June 13.

Monday June 12

I really do like Monday mornings. I will get to the gym just as it is opening, have a nice run, come back home and get ready for another productive week at work. I actually have some homework to do this week! On Sunday, I am starting a summer class. I am auditing a graduate level Biostatistics class at my Alma Mater. I am so excited about this. It will help me with my job and I just love statistics so it will be fun. I have been out of school for 5 years, so I know it will be hard to sit in a classroom all day on a Sunday, but it will be good. The class only meets 3 times, the rest of the work is done online.

Yesterday I went to my daughter's house for lunch. I got a glimmer of hope when I heard something she told my granddaughter. The little one was crying because one of her friends hurt her feelings. She had silent little tears streaming down her face as we were eating lunch. My daughter listened sympathetically for a while and then told her daughter this: "when I feel really bad, if I do something for someone else it helps me to forget about myself and then I feel better!" In just that one sentence, I saw so much hope for my daughter - and her family.

I had a terrible attack of fear yesterday morning. I have not felt this way in so long, it is so unfamiliar to me. I don't like it one little bit. But I guess when you step outside of your comfort zone, it can be frightening. I am very glad to report that today I am not in fear.

"We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Sunday Morning

Just took a swim. It is beautiful outside. I don't know what I am doing today. I am awaiting a call or e-mail from the new man. We are supposed to be getting together this afternoon.

GOD HELP ME WITH THIS PLEASE.

I'm fine, really. Fine. Just fine. No fear here. Feeling vulnerable and exposed is just fine with me, I can handle it.

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 53

Happy 71st Birthday Alcoholics Anonymous

"On the way to City Hospital on the east side of town, Dr. Bob held out his hand from time to time to see whether the shakes had subsided. Just before they stopped, Bill, who also had his practical side, gave him a bottle of beer....

Although arguments have been and will be made for other significant occasions in AA history, it is generally agreed that Alcoholics Anonymous began there, in Akron, on that date: June 10, 1935." -- Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, p. 75

Thank God we live in an age when there is a solution to the terrible affliction of alcoholism.

Friday Morning

It is Friday Morning. A storm moved through yesterday afternoon and it cooled down. It is 65 degrees right now and delicious cool air is wafting through my lace curtains. The @$#@#$ parents next door came home last night, so the kids were quiet, and I got to SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG.

I have a date with a man tonight. See? I did not have to spell it. I am praying a lot and trying not to act on fear. For this moment, I am dating a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, handsome man. Nothing more than this. I must stop my mind when it decides to attack me.

JJ has two years today! I am so grateful to have gotten to know JJ and so many of you bloggers.

"The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153

hot, hot, hot

Here's my tootsies. I love getting a pedicure. And I love having little flowers on my toes.

It is going to be 96 degrees today. It has been over 90 for several days. I am not getting enough sleep. I have a big neighbor problem - and the noise is relentless at night. I also have something very exciting and frankly a little bit scary going on in my life (see the posts of the last week if you don't know what it is.) I have the AC on, and a big fan in my bedroom, but that isn't the same as having peace and quiet and cool air coming in my bedroom window.

I lose all perspective when I am not getting enough sleep. I went to the gym this morning and while running I was listening to my i-pod... and started crying. Pitiful.

"Freedom has many facets, but mostly it releases us from much that has been troubling and defeating us. We pray for this release into freedom." -- One Day at a Time in Alanon, p. 129

June 7, 1981

25 years ago today, I was abducted and raped. God, that looks ugly even now. Even all these years later, that is a wound that is healed, but has left a scar.

On a Saturday afternoon in a small town in New Mexico, drinking beer and washing the car, I had a fight with my husband. He locked me out of the house. I was dressed in a tube top (it WAS 1981!) and a pair of cut offs - what would be called Daisy Dukes now. I pounded on the doors, trying to get him to let me in and attracted a lot of attention from the neighbor children. I was embarrassed, so I took off. On foot. On bare feet. I walked across town to my brother's house, and went to the rodeo with them that night. Obviously I had to have a few more beers and then had a fight with my sister-in-law and took off on foot again! On my way home, I stopped at a bar for a few more beers and to dance a little bit. When the bar closed, I started walking home -- and the rest is history.

Imagine my amazement when I realized that I could not prosecute this case! It seems nobody is very concerned with a violent crime perpetrated on a drunken housewife out walking around in the middle of the night in a tube top and cut offs. And so began the last 3 years of my drinking. I drank around the clock and left the house only to go to the grocery store, the public library, and the liquor store. It was unmitigated hell. Please dear God, may I never forget that.

Today, I am 25 years older, but eons younger than that young woman. Today I have the freedom to not ever have to try to explain what I was doing on a drunken day and night. Today I am not a victim just waiting for what next tragedy will befall me. By admitting utter defeat, I am given a life worth living. By surrendering completely, I am able to walk with my head held just right - not high, and not hung low - just looking straight ahead with hope. I am just fine knowing I am one of God's kids and he loves me. And so do a bunch of other people, and I love them too!

"...as a practicing alcoholic I had no rights. Society can do anything it chooses to do with me when I am drunk and I can't lift a finger to stop it, for I forfeit my rights through the simple expedient of becoming a menace to myself and to the people around me." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 549

Tuesday AM

I had a very disturbing dream last night. It was not a drunk dream - it was worse. I did not get drunk. I was sitting at a restaurant, at a large table, full of friends - nursing a large scotch and water on the rocks. In my dream, it tasted good and I was amazed at how I was not getting drunk, I was just enjoying a cocktail with friends! In my dream, I was trying to figure out how having ONE LITTLE DRINK was not going mean that I am no longer sober 21 + years. That thought woke me up.

I made it to the gym again this morning and ran 2 miles. I didn't walk much because I am taking a walk with my new fella tonight.

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

Monday Morning

It is a happy Monday Morning. I feel better than a body deserves to.

I got to the gym this morning at 5:30 and hopped on the treadmill, put on my i-pod, and went to town. I decided yesterday that if I am to get my running fitness back, I am going to have to go back to square one, and do it on the treadmill - just like I did when I was starting. This morning I was able to run 2 miles, and walk 1.1, for a total of 3.1 miles, or a 5K.

I better get ready for work. I am looking forward to this week. I have a sudden cherriness that is probably not hard to explain, but I am not going to "go there" right now, thank you very much.

Thanks you bloggers. You guys and gals enrich my life in ways you couldn't begin to know.

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxvi

Sunday Morning

Last night I actually slept all night! Following the suggestions of my new M-A-N friend, I closed all the windows and drapes, turned on the central air, put a fan in my bedroom for white noise, and prayed to sleep. I woke up at one point and just looked out the window for giggles, and sure enough, there was a party going on next door. But I just went right back to sleep. Normally I hate air conditioning and only use it on the hottest days, but it is worth using it to get some sleep.

We went to see a movie last night. We both had gotten less than 3 hours of sleep the night before. I had the party next door. He had a red haired, green eyed woman on his mind! We had both also gotten only 3 hours of sleep on Weds. night after our first date. We are both tired!

I am supposed to go take a bike ride and an open water swim with both of my daughters today. The Tri Training Trio!

"We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 25

Saturday Afternoon

Oh Dear. I don't want to write too much about this man I went out with last night. I guess suffice it to say that I am pretty smitten. Going out to a nice restaurant downtown where I had a steak that cost what a week of groceries cost - in a lovely setting and with a man who gazes at me longingly, holds my hand across the table, and tells me I am beautiful. Well, that is pretty intoxicating - in a good way.

I was up almost all last night because frankly I was a little bit revved up by the date. But also the fact that my neighbors have taken off again and left their kids (19 and 16) alone. There was a party next door until 5:00 a.m. I told them they were standing just beneath my bedroom window and keeping me awake, but they didn't stop. The neighborhood went through this last summer with them. It was dreadful. We got to the point where we took turns calling the police. I pray tonight they will not have a party. I am exhausted!

My new M-A-N friend came over for breakfast this morning and we sat and talked until just now. We are hoping we can do something tonight. This is something that just has to be in God's hands. 'nuff said.

This morning I went to a 6:30 meeting. At the meeting was the widow of a recently deceased member. It was a tragic, untimely death. He was a wonderful man and I think everyone loved him. There was not a dry eye in the house when the widow talked in the meeting and said she just wanted to express her thanks to the group and Alcoholics Anonymous for the last 16 years of her marriage. They were happy years because he was sober. It was very moving. God Bless You Tom. I hope to see you in the big meeting in the sky some day. It seems that lately more of my friends are there than down here.

Friday Morning

I am going to tell you all a semi-secret. Only three people I know in "real life" know this. But I am going to tell my whole cyber community:

Tonight I am going out on a D-A-T-E with an M-A-N. (I have to spell it or it might terrify me to death!)

So if you are so inclined, please say a prayer for me and the M-A-N. I am glad you can't see my heart rate monitor right now because my heart is really going!

"When AA was quite young, a number of eminent psychologists and doctors made an exhaustive study of a good-sized group of so-called problem drinkers. The doctors weren't trying to find how different we were from one another; they sought to find whatever personality traits, if any, this group of alcoholics had in common. They finally came up with a conclusion that shocked the AA members of that time. These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics under investigation were still childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose." --Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 123

Teachable Alcoholic

If you have a second, go over and support our newest blogger! Welcome Diego!

with every heAArt beat...

I am more grateful to be sober.

"Being wrecked in the same vessel, being restored and united under one God, with hearts and minds attuned to the welfare of others, the things which matter so much to some people no longer signify much to them." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 161

OK, here's a peak at the peg board

There are more pictures of my garage project on my photo blog.

Let's see, if I am 54 years old (I am), and have been sober since I was 32 (which I have), and the first ten years of my sobriety were pretty chaotic (which they were), then I have had almost twelve years now of peace and serenity. But from years ten til sixteen I managed to start and finish my bachelors degree and then go on to get my masters degree, all while working full time, supporting myself and raising kids sporadically - I wouldn't call that exactly peaceful and serene... or was it? I digress... So let's say the last 5 years of my life have been peaceful and serene (which they have). That means that of a life of 54 years, I have had 5 years of peace and serenity. Which means that .0925 of my life has been peaceful and serene.

This is all a very long way of explaining WHY I think putting peg board on my garage wall is exciting. I used my own little black and decker cordless drill and my own little ladder and my own little arms, legs, and hands to put it up. I didn't have a fight with anyone. The police were not called. There were no suicide threats or attempts. I didn't write a hot check for any of the above. I am not hiding from anyone today. I am just a normal appearing granny living alone in her little green house with the flag flying on the front porch.

And for all of this I am more grateful than words can say.

Thanks all you bloggers for enriching my life.

Tuesday looks like a Monday

I decided on Friday not to take today off. I regret that decision right now. I can think of a million things I need to do that I can't get done on the weekend or while I am at work. Maybe I can take this Friday off. I am feeling rather dull this morning and would like to go back to bed, but I will get on with my day instead.

"AA may be human in its organization, but it is Divine in its purpose." -- Twenty-Four Hours a Day, May 30 AA Thought for the Day.

Memorial Day

Couldn't resist another picture of the flag flying from my front porch. This time it's a view from my rocking chair. What an old lady I am turning out to be! Speaking of which, went to church this morning. It was nice to have a nice quiet peaceful beginning to my day.

Yesterday I didn't install the peg board (I am hoping to do it today), but instead hopped on my bike and rode down to the lake and around, it was a nice 12 mile ride. Took a nice freezing swim - I managed to swim for a half hour - and then sat on the beach for a while and read. Also ran into an old AA friend, it was nice to chat with her. Even though it is slightly embarrassing to be there at the "beach" in my tri suit, as opposed to regular sunning wear. It was good to get in my first open water swim of the season. It sure is different than swimming laps in a pool!

Yesterday was the first Sunday that I have not heard from my son since his deployment. He has been telling me every week that I may not hear for him for a while because he is going here and there and working 7 days a week. But this is the first time he didn't call. I sure do miss him.

"The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous." Alcoholics Anonymous, p.25

Sunday Morning

I went to the Sunrise Serenity Group this morning. I haven't been there for a while. I ran into a woman I used to sponsor - she has just moved back to town from Las Vegas. We are planning to get together for bike rides, etc. It was good to see her.

It is such a nice weekend. My favorite neighbors are home this weekend, so we have had many visits. I am in the middle of the HUGE project of cleaning my garage. I bought some peg boards last night and am looking forward to installing them today.

"I should try to practice the presence of God. I can feel that He is with me and near me, protecting and strengthening me always. In spite of every difficulty, every trial, every failure, the presence of God suffices. Just to believe that He is near me brings strength and peace. I should try to live as though God were beside me. I cannot see Him because I was not made with the ability to see Him else there were no room for faith. But I can feel His spirit with me." Twenty-Four Hours a Day, Meditation for the day, May 28.

Saturday Morning

This is what my front porch looks like this morning. I am grateful to have a front porch where I can fly the flag, sit in my rocking chair, water my plants, and generally be a sober human being.

Took a walk instead of a run this morning (because I am also planning a bike ride and a swim today). While I was walking, I encountered an elderly gentleman who used to go to a 6:30 a.m. AA meeting in the area. He stopped me to ask me if I am Mexican. hmmm. I have red hair and green eyes... Anyway, we started talking, and I realized that he does not remember me. I am not even sure he remembers himself. He looked disheveled and a little wacky. He was talking wacky too. I didn't ask him if he remembers me. I didn't ask him if he was back on the sauce. Because frankly, I think he may very well be suffering from dementia and not drunkeness. We had a nice, albeit weird, chat. But I walked away and wondered if I should have said "don't you remember me?" "are you OK?" "are you drinking?"

Any thoughts from my wonderful fellow bloggers?

Three Day Weekend Ahead

I am thrilled to have a three day weekend ahead. I am tired. I may look to see if I have anything I can't miss on Tuesday and try to make it a four day weekend. Today I should be able wrap up a project I have been working on for over a year. It would be nice to take a very long weekend after that. And I have not one plan for the weekend. I will get to some meetings, I will take a bike ride or two, maybe take an open water swim since the "beaches" are now open, I will get to church, I MIGHT clean the garage, and maybe some handsome and charming man will ask me to join him for coffee or dinner... and maybe not.

"The unity of Alcoholics Anonymous is the most cherished quality our Society has. Our lives, the lives of all to come, depend squarely upon it. We stay whole, or AA dies." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 129

More shoes

I do love shoes. I recall a trip I made to Phoenix once with a man who is now a bearded gentleman who lives in the Big Sky Country... he didn't understand why I needed to bring 3 different pairs of white athletic shoes on a weekend trip. I packed other shoes as well. Over the years, I have gotten better at packing, but I still enjoy shoes for every occassion.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was thinking about a baby I can still see in my mind's eye because he was so perfect. He was just the most beautiful baby (other than my own) I had ever seen. The baby is now 20 years old and the associated press is running with a scandalous story about him. Just writing that makes me cry. His father, my dear friend, has such a heavy load to carry right now.

Whenever I feel sad I have to pause and thank God that I am able to feel sad (or anything else for that matter). And then I can pray for all involved.

"On the day that the calamity of Pearl Harbor fell upon our country, a great friend of AA was walking along a St. Louis street. Father Edward Dowling was not an alcoholic, but he had been one of the founders of the struggling AA group in his city. Because many of his usually sober friends had already taken to their bottles that they might blot out the implications of the Pearl Harbor disaster, Father Ed was anguished by the thought that his cherished AA group would probably do the same.

Then a member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spirited conversation--mostly about AA. Father Ed saw, with relief, that his companion was perfectly sober.

'How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?'

'Well,' replied the yearling, 'each of us in AA has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So why should we drunks crack up over this one?" -- As Bill Sees It, p. 71

Great Bike Ride

Took this picture last night on a bridge over the river - the only break we took. It was a great bike ride. My friend is about 15 years younger than me, has recently lost 68 lbs. and is a rec therapist for a living. I had to really push to keep up with her, which was a good thing. We saw 3 snakes, two of which I nearly ran over, one dead deer along the trail, and one animal lurking in the bushes when we were stopped. We quickly got back on our bikes after seeing the lurking animal. It could have been a bighorn sheep, a deer, or any number of other large animals. But its lurking behavior made me suspect that it was something a tad more sinister, like a coyote or a mountain lion (EEK!)

I am going to get out and run this morning if I can quickly get done blogging. I have a big deal to take care of at work, so I need to be there on time. I better get moving.

"We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. All of us, whatever our race, creed, or color, are the children of a living Creator, with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p.28

LG

Life's Good. Tonight, after work, I am going for a bike ride at Waterton Canyon with someone from work. It should be fun. It is about a six mile steady climb uphill on a dirt road - followed by turning around and coming downhill for another six miles... hopping in your car and driving home.

"After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 103

Routine

It's Monday Morning. Back to work. I have a meeting with my boss this morning. I am praying about whether to confront him about some stuff. There is probably a 50% chance he will cancel the meeting. He has canceled our last 3 scheduled monthly meetings. It is a real challenge to "rise above" crap at work sometimes. I need God's help to do this.

"For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

Fellowship

I just got home from my friend Patty's birthday meeting. She celebrated 23 years of sobriety today. The meeting was great. Someone said that over 1/3 of the room were long-timers, if you define a long-timer as someone with over 18 years of sobriety. It was just nice to be there and feel like I am one of the crowd, like I just fit in, like I am just there with my peers. I can remember her 2nd birthday. She had a huge party at her little townhouse. There were so many people there, they were even sitting on her stairs. It was a wonderful thing.

Many of us went out for breakfast after the meeting. We filled up a whole back room of a Mexican Restaurant. People make fun of me because I always order Bologna and Eggs there! Who ever heard of fried bologna being on a menu? Well, it is on that menu, and I eat it every time.

A unifying factor in my friendship with Patty is that we both are overwhelmed with gratitude to be sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. We are both grateful to have long term sobriety, but neither of us take it for granted. We both know that we are One Drink Away From a Drunk. One Drink. We both go to meetings regularly and do all the same stuff we have been doing for these decades. Sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We did not graduate to some higher plane of recovery where we only come around occassionally to bless all the unwashed masses with our royal presence.

We do not come to meetings to comment on and critique others' experience, strength, and hope... we come to share our own. We do not extend uninvited sponsorship, advice, or criticism. We are in the same boat with everyone from the shaky first day-er to the shaky 50 year-er.

This is also what I love about you fellow sober bloggers. Almost without exception, we share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. We do this with respect and love for one another. We almost never come along and dump unsolicited advice and a superior attitude on each other. And for that I am truly grateful.

Alcoholic Brain

Found an undiscovered recovery blog today--- go over and visit alcoholic brain.

Endless Possibilities

I Love Saturday Morning. The weekend seems full of endless possibilities. I have a fresh brewed cup of coffee. I am sitting by an open window, with a lovely cool morning breeze billowing through the lace curtains. The robins are singing. The leaves on the big tree in my front yard have finally returned (after being frozen in late April) which transforms the view from this window.

I am going to take a bike ride this morning. In fact, as soon as I post this, I am going to throw on my bike gear and get out of here. I am very excited about this.

Graduation was wonderful. The moment I heard "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to start crying, but managed not to. All the little children walked up to the podium and said what they wanted to be when they grew up. Imagine my surprise when my little Olivia, daughter of a couple of scoff-laws, walked up and said she would like to be a Police Officer when she grows up!

I am grateful that I could take the time off work to go be there at her graduation.

I am grateful I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I am sober, almost anything else is possible.

Graduation Day

It seems so hard to believe that today is my little Olivia's graduation from kindergarten. That little girl had an amazing story by the time she was born. She is nothing less than a miracle. But we all have our miracles, don't we?

Watering Flowers

I woke up this morning trying to think of something suitable for a picture. This is as good as it got. Watering my flowers in the dark.

I am riding my bike to work today. It is 6:06 a.m. and already 58 degrees. Perfect bike riding weather.

Last night I took my granddaughters shopping. Oy. Did you know that little girls wear very fancy, almost formal, dresses to Kindergarten Graduation? Well, this one will. And her sister got one too. And shoes... And my oh so stable daughter put blue streaks in her 6 year old's hair. So she gets to go to Kindergarten Graduation in a very beautiful dress and blue hair. Oh Lord Of Mercy.

God doesn't have grandkids or great-grandkids.

Taking Care

I don't have normal reactions to anything. I don't know when I am under or over-reacting. For instance, my appendix ruptured before I had surgery - I am so fortunate I didn't die - but I thought it would hurt more if I had appendicitis. Anyway, I had a pain in my throat which felt alarmingly like the pain I had from an infected parotid gland a couple of years ago. I thought I should probably go see my doc and find out if I was indeed getting the same thing again - I really don't want this again, it was PAINFUL.

But yesterday I had a dental appointment I had been anxiously awaiting. I am getting some dental work that I am thrilled to be getting. I wasn't thrilled when I needed three big novocaine shots yesterday, but I am thrilled to be getting some crowns. So I went to the dentist and not the doc.

When I went to bed last night, I expected to feel even worse this morning and I planned on calling the doc and getting in there today. However, I woke up feeling fine. Today I want to ride my bike to work. I want to get out and run. I think I will go out and try to run and if that works out OK, I will know that whatever I had has passed. And I didn't even spend $30 to see my doc!

Thanks for your concern. It really is heart-warming to see all the nice comments. You guys are the best!

sicky

I am not feeling well at all. I think I have an infected parotid gland. I should go to the doctor, but I haven't yet.

TGIM

Thank God it's Monday. I get to go back to work. I have meetings scheduled. I get to talk to people who are not relatives. I get to use my brain for something other than figuring out how to tell the truth without being mean.

Maybe I am coming down with something? I am out of sorts. I ran for 2 minutes and 5 seconds this morning and decided to walk the rest of the way. I just don't feel my normal energy and happiness.

Whatever it is, I have a deep abiding faith that all will be well. I just don't feel great right now.

Mother's Day

I just read JJ's letter to her Mom. And it started the tears again. The tears started last night at mass. For some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my mother has now been gone (as in dead) for 35 years. 35 years. God Bless Her.

I went to a meeting this morning and the tone was very light - which rubbed me the wrong way. You know, the smart ass guys wishing all you "mothers" (as in half of the hyphenated word) a happy mother's day. ha ha. Then at the end of the meeting a woman shared that her son had killed himself 2 days before Mother's Day a few years ago. And she hates the day. God Bless Her.

I need to call my sponsor today- she had her two older children taken away from her when she was still drinking, and has not seen them once since then. She got to raise one daughter - who is now serving a life sentence for murder. Yeah, mother's day is not her favorite either. God Bless Her too.

Alcoholism is a brutal disease. It decimates the alcoholic and all around him or her. Anyone who says they are grateful to be an alcoholic must be an orphan who never married or had children. I am more grateful than words can say to be sober, but am I grateful that I have this fucking disease and that one or two of my children have it? FUCK NO.

OK, I will stop:

My son called this morning. He also sent a card -which is a big deal for him. I miss him. My "problem" daughter may or may not be coming over today. The disease has her pretty good right now and she may not be able to tear herself away for a few hours. We shall see. God Bless Her. Her twin sister will be coming over. It may just be the two of us, and if it is, we will go see a movie.

Sorry to be so morbid. I have a wonderful life today. It is truly a God-Given Miracle. Sometimes it is just too sad for words to see what this disease does to people.

Total Non-Sequitor: Go see pictures of my new bike and yesterday's bike ride at my photo blog.

Too Excited

to sleep. I woke up at about 3:30 a.m. thinking about getting a new bicycle. I am really excited about the prospect. I will show up at the bike shop when it opens at 10:00. In the meantime, I will go swimming as the pool opens at 6:00. Then I can take a nap this afternoon, after a good bike ride - I hope.

I have less than three months to train for the triathlon. I am not ready. I am not even on target with my training. But I can get ready. I have to remember that the big lesson learned from my first triathlon was not to take it so seriously. I had trained too hard. My second triathlon was more fun. I am so excited about this one because both my daughters are registered to do it with me.

What has this got to do with recovery from alcoholism? Everything. I get to do things I could only dream of when I was drinking. I was always "gonna" do great things when I was drinking, but somehow, the drinking was all I ever got done.

What?

does Smirnoff make and put into a six pack? Sheesh.
I was just at the bike shop, I am going to buy a new bike because I am afraid of my skinny tire one. I am just not getting over the fear from my accident last year. So, I am going to try to trick myself by getting a new mountain bike so I have more stability.

Being somewhat smart, I decided not to purchase the bike right this second. I will go back after I have had time to think about it.

So, on my way out, I see a guy with a six pack of Corona ( I am very familiar with that beverage) and a six pack of Smirnoff something. Well, I have been sober long enough that I have never even had a wine cooler, not to mention a Zima, etc... And that is OK. But can someone tell me what Smirnoff beverage comes in little bottles?

Thank you.

Self, self, self

Yesterday I got mired in the self-centeredness of "low self-esteem". I guess you could call it low self-esteem. I felt inadequate to do much of anything and by day's end, I was convinced I needed to quit my job and start anew somewhere else. Somewhere I would be appreciated, supported, maybe even LOVED! Somewhere I would never screw up again. Never again would I make a mistake or fail to follow through.

And that is all nothing but EGO. Ego. What I thought was insecurity is self-centeredness. Someone once told me "if you are self-conscious, you are self-centered." Yikes. I didn't like that one little bit, but I thought about it and realized it was true. If I am thinking of others, what I can bring to a situation for others, I am not worried about whether my hair looks great, or how I sound, or if so-and-so thinks I am a moron.

So today, I shall endeavor to get over myself and just show up for work and do my job. Not worry about what anyone is thinking about me, because I will be thinking about what I can do for them.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 68

HNT

"We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect." -- As Bill Sees It, p. 95

Snowy May Morning

Yep. Snow. Jeez Louise. I am so ready for this to be done.

I am going to pack up my gym bag and go for a run on the treadmill after work because I am not going out in the snow now. I understand getting outdoors in the snow and the ice and the sleet, etc. in January and February - but May?

Okay, enough complaining.

It has been a really wonderful week so far. It was great to see the big guy from the big sky on Monday. It was great to talk with him a few times on the phone yesterday.

Last night the phone rang, and I looked at the caller ID, as I always do. It was my "problem" daughter. I got an instant of fear and then answered the phone. She and her two daughters were laying in bed, with the speaker phone, and the little ones yelled "Hi Nana!" It was really a nice little surprise. Oh - and on Sunday my son called to make sure he has my address right! How cool is that? In case you are not picking up what is so cool, reminder: This Sunday is Mother's Day.

Lifelong Friends

Mary Christine and Big Sky Maack - outside of the meeting tonight. I haven't seen my friend for 12 years. What a blessing that we have these friendships in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have known him since I got sober in 1984. And what a riot, he and I. He in his red suit, I in my red hair and sitting, like the granny I am, knitting in the meeting. Oh man, if they only knew the maniacs we used to be!

"Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 153.

Note the time on this thing! I am up about 4 hours past my bedtime. I bet I won't be running tomorrow morning... just a hunch.

Monday in May

"Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many. As for the remainder-- well, we have really disliked or hated them.

We AA's find we need something much better than this in order to keep our balance. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody at all, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.

We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had formerly shown none. With those we dislike we can at least begin to practice justice and courtesty, perhaps going out of our way at times to understand and help them."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 95

Monday morning. Getting ready for a run. Then I will go to work. I will try to do the above in all my dealings this week. Maybe I will get to see Big Sky Maack this week as he drives through Denver?

Sunday Morning

I went to night watch last night. Night watch is when a person or entity, like an AA group, takes responsibility for answering the calls received by the Denver Area Central Office for a block of time. One of the groups I attend takes the first Saturday of the month, from 5 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. We have a potluck at someone's house and we take calls. We got a LOT of calls last night. It was fun.

It was hard to show up there with my wacky hair color. BUT, I felt better when I got some compliments - including a totally spontaneous rave from a young man I don't know well. He just said "Wow! You look beautiful! I never realized you have such beautiful eyes!" Now, THAT was cool. So, of course, I like my hair a lot better now.

Another thing I don't like... I probably shouldn't complain about it here...but I will anyway. I realized after a while that I was sober longer than anyone there. I hate it when that happens. I guess I better get used to it though because my hope is that I will never take a drink again as long as I live. One day at a time, by the Grace of God, and just doing the next right thing, I hope to do that.

Now I will go plant the beautiful rose bush I bought yesterday. I will probably take and post pictures later... Note: I posted a close up of a rose - it is now in my garden, and very beautiful. The picture I took yesterday was right after an afternoon shower, you can practically smell it from the computer, can't you?

Seis de Mayo

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I have very dark red hair, and my eyebrows are also very dark red. I feel like a clown. I need to mow my lawn and I think I will wear a hat and sunglasses. I need to purchase my flowers and plants for the garden this year and I don't want to be seen in public. I will get over it... honest. For one thing, the color will fade - in time. Maybe I can call in sick to work and life for the next two and a half weeks?

Met my sponsee at her job last night and we went out for dinner which was great fun (that was back when I had normal colored hair and eyebrows). Well, I gotta go mow. I think I will wear a big straw hat and try to disguise myself as an eccentric gardner - wait, that wouldn't be a disguise. hmmmm.

Happy Weekend everybody. I am only half joking here....

Friday Morning

I woke this morning not knowing immediately what day of the week it is. I thought it was Saturday. But then I remembered my LUNCH plans for today. I am taking a co-worker out for lunch. Her birthday is on Sunday. I bought her a gift certificate for a pedicure - she has never had one. We had "words" yesterday and I was so furious with her, I would have wished she could vanish. Thank God that I can pray when I feel like that and God will help me to get over it - if I let him.

"We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53

no plAAce like home?

Ruby slippers? Probably not. I don't think the illustrious ruby slippers were wedgies. oh well.

Wonderful Wednesday

I just got done with a run - my best time in a long while. If you could bottle the fragrance of all the flowers and fruit trees in blossom, you could become very rich. I love May.

The former boyfriend showed up yesterday and installed a new pressure relief valve, and also fixed my sprinkler system. It was both wonderful and terrible to see him. It brought back a lot of stuff. I wanted to stay home from work and just spend the day with him, but I didn't. I am very grateful to him for spending most of a day here fixing all this stuff that makes me feel so vulnerable and helpless.

So, as I sit, drinking my water and trying to cool down from my run, I can hear the lovely hiss of my sprinkler system running! Left to my own devices, at this time in the morning, I would be trying to get the first drink down so that I could stop shaking. Thank God I had enough of that kind of "fun" and became willing to admit defeat. And in return I got a life that was beyond my wildest dreams.

Bill of Goods

Gosh, this is turning into a plumbing blog. I just erased 2 paragraphs that were just STARTING to tell the latest chapter in the plumbing story. But you know what? It is barely interesting to me, why on earth would someone else want to read about it? So, suffice it to say, I didn't believe what the plumber told me on Saturday and it turns out it was the truth. I need to replace a valve in my house. I am incredulous that I don't know a plumber in AA. I can't believe it.

My old boyfriend said he would come over this morning to replace the valve and fix my sprinkler system. I have faith that he is capable of doing these things. Whether he will show up is the question. So I will see if he shows up. And if he does, I will be eternally grateful to him. He is such a good man, the fact that he can't get sober is one of the bigger heart-breaking mysteries to me.

"Then some of us are far more alcohol-damaged than others. Still others encounter a series of calamaties and cannot seem to find the spiritual resources to meet them. There are those of us who are physically ill. Others are subject to more or less continuous exhaustion, anxiety, and depression. These conditions often play a part in slips-sometimes they are utterly controlling." - As Bill Sees It, p.99

As I type that paragraph, I realize how grateful I am to be sober. I have done everything wrong in sobriety that you can do. The only thing I think I have done right is I never stopped going to meetings. And I think as long as you go to meetings, you will be prodded into taking the other action necessary to stay sober. Just my opinion mind you...

Sunday Afternoon

What a wonderful day I have had! First I went to an AA meeting at the Morning After Group. I decided during the meeting that I need to declare that my home group again. It is where my old buddies are. It is where people who have known me since I got sober are. It is where people I have known since they got sober are. There is good AA there - there is always crap with any group, but over all, I think this is a healthy group - and I belong there!

Then I took a hike up Green Mountain. Pictures are posted at my photo blog. Go have a look if you have a second.

I went to a play with my daughter this afternoon. It was nice to spend some time with her.

Plumbing update: yesterday while I was taking the industrial strength carpet dryer back to the rental place, my water heater started leaking again. When I got home, I had another flood on my hands. I did cuss this time. The plumber tried to sell me a bill of goods and I didn't buy. I opted to have him replace the valve that went out... and not the rest of the hundreds of dollars worth of crap he said I needed. This is when I really miss having a manly man in my life. (well, it isn't the only time.) The manly man drunken cowboy former boyfriend said he would come over and look at all this stuff tomorrow. He is out of town right now. Oh, Lord, help me with this, please.

Happy end of your weekend everyone...

Forgiveness

"A little meditation on the word forgive can throw some rather surprising light on our understanding of the word.

We are asked to forgive those who have injured us. Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did, there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging.

Scripture says: 'Judge not that ye be not judged.' If we do judge-no matter how great the injury or how premeditated-we are at fault. Following this train of thought to its logical conclusion, we see that we can forgive only ourselves. In doing so, we also forgive the person whose action we have resented."
One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 120, April 29.

I love this book. I am not an Al-Anon member, but I used to be. I certainly qualify since nearly everybody I love is an alcoholic. Most of them, thankfully, are sober.

If I had unlimited time, I would attend Al-Anon meetings. But as it is, I don't have much spare time, so when I have time for a meeting, it better be an AA meeting. I am very clear on the fact that I have a daily reprieve from a deadly killer. Contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Part of that maintenance is going to meetings and being part of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What a wonderful way of life it is. It is not a walk in the park every single day, but it is a wonderful way of living. No matter what happens, I know that I can get through it, usually with some grace, a smile, some humor, and some joy.

My house is drying out. The most soaked part of the carpet downstairs is now dry. I have the industrial strength fan in the bedroom now. It still smells funky. I hope it will be warm enough today to have the windows open and get air flowing through the house and get the funk out.

Waiting for hot water

This morning when I ran my water for coffee, I realized it was only getting warm, not hot. So I went downstairs and checked the water heater and it seems the plumber turned it down to "low". I have not a clue how long it takes a tank of warm water to turn hot, but hopefully it will be by the time I fill up my bathtub.

My sponsee said she would come over today and bring an industrial strength fan and would lift up my carpet downstairs to get it all dry. I can't miss another day of work, so I will go to work. It is very nice of her to do this.

I am glad to be a sober person in this world. Just living through the challenges that others seem to be able to face without a problem. Thankfully my reactions seem to be more "normal" today.

Oy!

picture of me taking a picture of me.... where does all this vanity end?!?

Last night when I got home from work, I noticed a funky odor in my basement - like maybe there was a load of soaking wet towels in the washer that I had forgotten about for, say, a month. I could not find the source of the odor and got on with what I needed to do. What I needed to do was turn on my sprinkler system so that I could put flags on the sprinkler heads for the guy who was coming over to aerate my lawn... so I went to turn on my sprinkler system and instead seemed to open up a geyser on the side of my house. hmmmm. I shut the valves back off and I will get that fixed....sometime....hmmmm.

This morning, after taking the above photo, and while walking out the door to take a run, I noted the above mentioned odor again. I decided to look in the little closet that the furnace and hot water heater are in, and voile'! I have found the source of the odor! My hot water heater has leaked to the point that my carpet is soaked all the way down the hall and into the bedroom.

So, here is the good news. I actually can call a plumber (which I have already done) and can write a check to pay him (unless it is catastrophic, which I doubt) and probably will be at my desk by noon.

The other good news (I hope) is that this is now three things. 1. My garage door broke earlier this month. 2. My sprinkler system is broken, which I am not going to fix right at this very moment. 3. And my hot water heater has a problem. So this is all, right?

Oh, and I did take a run and it is a glorious morning.

Here is one more thing. Thanks to this program and learning to live life on life's terms one day at a time for 21+ years, I don't have to go mental over any of this. No tears, no screaming, no cussing.... that is truly a miracle.

Thanks to all you sober people for teaching me to live this way.

No ideas

I am feeling rather dull this morning. Yesterday I did not feel well at all and didn't go to work. If there was nothing on my calendar, I might stay home again today. However, there are a couple of things I have to do today, so I will go do them. It is a good thing that I need to go.

I am not going to run this morning because it is 31 degrees. 31 in January is fine. 31 in the last week of April stinks. I am charging up my I-pod right now so that I can take it with me to the gym - I will run on my lunch break.

I just have no concepts, no wit, no great ideas this morning.

Tuesday update

It looks like my lilac is going to be OK. The newly sprung leaves on the ash tree in front of my house look pretty dead. This happens almost every year.

Sober Chick - I can't get your blog anymore. I get an error message about Active X controls, and then thrown out of internet explorer entirely each time I try to see your blog. I miss you!

April Snow

My lilac bush tonight - that is snow. SNOW. I just covered it with a tarp and hope it won't be crushed and that it won't freeze.
My lilac bush yesterday. So full of promise...

I will post more photos on my photo blog in case anyone is interested in my horticultural woes.

Let me give some perspective on why this stuff is so thrilling to me. As most of you know, at about 4 and a half years of sobriety, I had a "meltdown". I lost everything - but not my sobriety, so it really was OK. I "lived around" during the following 5 years. I never stayed anywhere longer than 6 months. I even traveled about Canada from Abbotsford BC to a small town in Alberta and another small town in Saskatchewan- in my 1979 Audi, with a cat carrier containing my cat and her litter box in the back seat. I actually had a hanging plant in that car for a while. Eccentric? Moi? (I use the french because I was, after all, amoung francophones in Canada.) (another paranthetical here... this is why I always use American English now - the spelling of "amoung" with the "u" above was deliberate) Oh, but I digresss.....

After a few years of this life, I yearned to own a home and know where I was when I woke up in the morning without thinking. I wanted to be able to find the bathroom without a light. AND, I wanted to plant tulips in the ground in the fall and be still there in the spring to see them pop up through the ground.

So I am now approaching 5 years in this house. I have never lived anywhere this long - not since I was a child. I have planted tulips and watched them come up 5 times now. I planted this lilac bush last spring and was delighted to see it thrive in my yard. I love lilacs.

And you know what? I could leave this house today if God decided to plant me somewhere else... But I do like the tulips and lilacs.

It's been a great weekend

I went swimming this morning and did one kilometer without a problem. It was really enjoyable. I went to my daughter's this afternoon and we took a nice long bike ride. She is getting stronger all the time. I think the triathlon training is coming along, and we do have three months left to train... We also all went out for lunch at (evil) McDonald's. Daughter, son-in-law, two beautiful granddaughters and me. Sitting at the "play place". It was fun to watch the kids play.

Sunday Evening. This is how I tell how much I like my life. My gut tells me. If on Sunday Evening I have a stomach ache thinking about going to work tomorrow, there is probably something wrong. But I don't have a stomach ache. I feel fine.

Tomorrow I have to give a quarterly report to the Governing Body and it does frighten me, but I will be fine. They invariably ask questions I can't answer, but at least I don't try to make up shit to sound or look good.

Which I learned in AA. Not to try to sound or look good. I learned to tell the truth in Alcoholics Anonymous. In my years of sitting around AA meetings, sitting around AA gatherings, and sitting around kitchen tables, I have grown to trust the wonderful sober people God has chosen to be in my life. In the short time I have been blogging, I have grown to trust my fellow sober bloggers and I am so impressed by the quality of their caring, humor, gentleness, and respect. We share our experience strength and hope. That's all we have got to give each other. And it is the most precious gift there is.

Thank you to my sober blogging friends. I appreciate you.

Fellowship

I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It has been a great couple of days with my sponsor and her husband being here. Went out for dinner after the meeting on Thursday. It is glorious to sit with my sponsee and my sponsor and know that all is well - I just fit somewhere in the mix, neither the top of the pile or the bottom. Just a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Yesterday when I got home from work, Maureen and Tony and Peter were here. For someone who has lived alone for a long time, this is a pretty neat experience. We went out for chinese and sat in the restaurant and talked and laughed and it was just so normal and so fun.

Sitting next to a man was so nice, I really thought about the fact that I have not been on a date for very close to a year. It was the first weekend in May last year - and I went to church with a man! That was our first and only date.

My last serious relationship was such a disastrous fiasco I am really scared. And this isn't even the drunken cowboy who I still love so much. After him there was a man who seemed to be perfect. He was 15 years sober (I had 20 at that time), he was very active in AA, and very spiritual. Very handsome. Very tall. Had a masters degree (just like me!) And we fell madly in love. We had the approval of our groups, our friends and our sponsors. Within 2 months, I had a diamond ring on my left hand. It only stayed there for 6 days. Six days. In Six Days he turned into a lunatic. Screaming at me. Acting insane. Told me the TV was talking to him, etc. I RAN FOR MY LIFE. And I no longer trust my judgment.

It might be time to come out of my self-induced seclusion. I will be praying about this. I want only God's will. Really. It was just so nice to sit next to Peter at the restaurant last night, it really made me think.

Gosh, this post sure isn't what I intended for it to be. Once again, on the weekend, low readership... probably a good thing to spill my guts over the weekend.

Friday!

It's Friday Morning. The birds are singing. My sponsor and her husband are asleep downstairs. Life is good.

HNT

Baby Feet. My granddaughters on a warm spring evening, playing on their swingset. And here comes Nana, "let me take a picture of your feet!" They were kind enough to pause their play, and pose their feet for their Nana.

My sponsor and her husband are coming today! They are staying here! I am so excited. It is sad that they are coming for Peter's Dad's funeral, but good that they are coming. It will be so good to see my sponsor. We are going to my homegroup tonight and then out for pizza. Yay. Just like the good old days!

200th Post

This is my 200th post. I started this blog in September 2005. I thought it was probably temporary. I wanted to talk to another blogger about being an alcoholic and I didn't want that on my other blog. So I started this one. The conversation with the other blogger quickly dried up, and I was left with this blog and didn't do much with it other than post once or twice a week. On November 28, Ms. Trudging found me and the rest is history. To be welcomed into this fold of sober bloggers has been really an amazing thing. I can't begin to say how grateful I am.

My friend Peter's dad died yesterday. Peter is the other shadow on my profile picture. I called him yesterday and we talked for a while. We were both crying. Sharing about our dads and their deaths. Say a prayer for him if you have a minute, OK? Thanks.

Wow. Writing this, I decided to look for something from "As Bill Sees It" - I have my father's copy... only his is called "the AA Way of Life" because that is what it used to be called. Somehow in all the years since my dad's death, I have never seen something that is tucked in the pages of this book. Wow. It is just a nice something clipped out of the New York Times... on the other side is an article about President Nixon's landmark welfare reform plan. I feel that I have just touched my dad.

Tuesday AM

Update #1: I owed about half as much on my taxes as I thought. I forgot about adding in my state taxes on my itemized deductions. So, I wrote the check and thanked God that I could.

Update #2: I spoke with my neighbors about the UMOs (unidentified mammiliam objects) on my trail yesterday and we agreed they were most likely elk. I didn't think there were elk so close to the city, but I have been told elk have been spotted around here before. They are BIG.

This morning it is windy and I don't feel like dealing with it (and I am probably a bit traumatized from yesterday's run), so I am going swimming after work. The triathlon is less than 4 months away and I am not where I want to be in my training. But I will get there.

I am trying to plan a trip to Savannah, Georgia in June. Two of my brothers' birthdays are on June 23. One of them is having a collective birthday party for all three of my brothers, and my nephew. I hate to be ungracious (I will anyway) but I hate to spend this kind of money for a weekend trip. I could have taken a friggin' cruise for what this trip is going to cost me. However, when my oldest brother is 68, the other ones are 67, and 65 - and my sister is 60 - I better go. And I will stop complaining about it - honest, I will. Really. I will stop talking about the astronomical airfare and the expensive hotel room and the other ridiculous amounts of money. Really. And I won't begrudge buying them all presents. I will be gracious and generous and uncomplaining. Really I will.

Tax Day

I need to do my taxes over my lunch break. Procrastinater? Me? Well, I have to pay and I didn't want to, so I waited until the last possible moment. I actually figured them out about a month ago, but I don't have it all wrapped up and ready to go... particularly the writing the check part. I will do it today.

Had a great run this morning, but about 2 miles into it, I looked ahead and saw 2 very large mammals in my path. YIKES. I don't even know what the heck they were, but they were big and they had horns. I ran off my trail and onto the road so that I would be visible to more people should I be attacked by some unknown beast - and I turned around. So what should have been a 3 mile course turned into a 4 mile course. I didn't run the whole thing, so this took a long dang time. Now it is after 8, and I am sitting here with wet hair and no make-up, and blogging. I better kick it in the butt and get out of here!

Happy Easter

Look at the PINK TULIPS that managed to bloom this morning! What a wonderful gift.

I am so grateful that I am alive and sober and able to be a part of a community and family today. By the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Rainy Saturday Morning

Oh, the beautiful aroma coming through my window! Wafting through the lace curtains is the smell of rain falling. I love the spring. I will spend today getting ready for my family to have Easter dinner here tomorrow. This is my idea of heaven.

"Who can render an account of all the miseries that once were ours, and who can estimate the release and joy that the later years have brought to us? Who can possibly tell the vast consequences of what God's work through A.A. has already set in motion?

And who can penetrate the deeper mystery of our wholesale deliverance from slavery, a bondage to a most hopeless and fatal obsession which for centuries possessed the minds and bodies of men and women like ourselves?" - As Bill Sees It, p. 163

The Painters are Here!

I am having the trim on my house painted today. This is so freaking exciting. I have lived in this house for almost 5 years. About 6 months after I moved in I realized that the paint around the windows was a little shabby. Obviously, it has not gotten better in 5 years.

Having been a renter most of my life, I have a hard time coughing up money to do stuff to my house. It seems to me that as long as I make my mortgage payment, all that other stuff should just somehow magically take care of itself. I decided that this year I have to do some stuff to my house, and the trim painting is the first thing.

I took today off work. Having gone to Catholic Schools for most of my 18 years of formal education, it just doesn't seem right to me to work on this day, so I usually don't. So, here I sit, lady of leisure, eating my special K, having just taken my shower, after my morning run... planning my day around my painters. This is cool.

You may wonder why this is such a big deal to me... let me tell you. At about 4 and a half years of sobriety, I had a meltdown. I ended up without my job, without my home, without my kids, without much of anything... except for my sobriety. Which I ultimately realized was EVERYTHING. All that other stuff I was so invested in was really secondary to my sobriety. Anyway, I spent the next five years kicking around, never living anywhere for longer than 6 months at a time, never being gainfully employed. Never having any stability. I think I needed to do that, (especially how involved I got in AA at that time) but I also think it gave me a greater appreciation of the "things" that sobriety brings.

I do appreciate the material things, but I do not let them rule me. I like my house, but if I needed to go, I could go. I like my car - probably a little bit too much. I like my job most of the time, but it doesn't define who I am.

The real gifts are intangible. Peace of mind in the midst of turmoil. Love for the unlovable. Joy at tiny moments. Ability to turn our most painful and tragic experiences into something that helps another. Etc., Etc.

fAAvorite skirt

I love this skirt. It is silk and feels so feminine and pretty.

Wednesday Evening

I have been feeling sick! I got home yesterday and wrote my little post and laid down on the couch, covered myself with a wool afghan and still shivered. This morning I didn't think I could get up, but I had stuff I had to do at work today, so I took some motrin and went back to bed, and managed to get up and get to work just a bit late.

Right now I feel better than I have in a day and a half. I am confident that I will be fine again tomorrow. (I hope.)

Whenever I get sick I can't help but reflect on all the times I was deathly ill from drinking. The thought of an 18 year old me, pretty little girl, puking her guts out, shitting at the same time with disastrous results, laying in bed shaking shaking and shaking... all the time thinking "next time I won't drink so much." Next time. Next time. I tried to get it right the next time for years and years. I might as well have been standing in front of a freight train - asserting my control over it. The disease of alcoholism is more powerful than a locomotive!

Southern Colorado

I took a trip to a certain small city in Southern Colorado today. Anyone who has been to this city would probably not be anxious to go back or to see pictures. But I was armed with my camera and took pictures... which I will, of course, post on my photo blog. It made the day more interesting. I have never ever stopped to take a picture of Pikes Peak, but I did today to share with my sober blogging buddies.

I only need to take this trip for work about once a year. I am overly, overly, overly attached to my job being approximately 11 minutes from my home to my desk. An easy bike ride. An easy bus ride if I feel like it. It is comfortable.

Today while driving, I recalled many drunken trips between Denver and Raton, New Mexico where I lived for 6 years. It is funny, I could recall, almost feel and taste that kind of headachey buzz from starting to drink WAY too early in the day, and trying to do something like drive to and from the airport. Funny the memories that come. I am grateful that today I am a sober woman, gainfully employed, and a productive member of society.

Grrrr...

I am going to post now. Probably shouldn't. I am feeling put-upon. Put out. Used. It is all bullshit of course. I work for a living. The key word there is WORK. It is not supposed to be "play". It is supposed to be work and that is why they pay me for it.

I got to work early this morning and then had to stay late, which isn't all that unusual, but didn't sit well with me today. Then it dawned on me that I need to be AT work by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow to get into a crappy car and drive 120 miles to where I need to be by 8:30 a.m.

Just writing this makes me want to erase it. It wasn't that long ago that I was so grateful to just be gainfully employed. I would have gladly welcomed a trip to a city 120 miles away. And would have relished a ride in an automobile with insurance and a valid registration!

It just takes looking at it from a different perspective. I just talked about this with my sponsee (she was surprised to hear me being this pissy - thank God it is unusual enough for her to be surprised) and my neighbors and I didn't see it from another perspective. But writing it down does it for me. That is why I do a WRITTEN 10th Step inventory. It is different to write it down.

Speaking of which, I better get ready to end my day, and write my 10th step inventory, and get myself to bed so that I can be up at 4:00 a.m.

Back to Work

Another week begins. I am hopeful it will be better than last week. Last week was very difficult. But I am making progress. I am getting used to my son not being around. He called yesterday and sounds good. I am now used to not having my cat. My sponsor and her husband will be coming and staying here for a weekend later on this month.

I took a bike ride with my problem child yesterday. It was so good to see the sunshine in her blonde hair and see her smile the simple smile of being out in the fresh air and doing something physical. I gave her my old mountain bike and she was thrilled with it. We decided to color Easter eggs later on this week. It will be an excuse for me to come over and see my precious grandbabies. They will be here for Easter which will be wonderful.

Palm Sunday

I am heading over to my daughter's house to color Easter eggs with the grandkids. This should be fun. We are also taking a bike ride. I put on my bike riding outfit for warm weather (it is 70 degrees outside) and what a shock to see what the winter has done to my body! Oh dear. I did take a run this morning and will take a bike ride this afternoon, but I don't think there is an exercise on earth that will undo the kind of eating I have been doing lately. Must Stop That!

pictures

of my saturday morning at my photo blog.

Saturday April 8

I woke this morning and wanted to get out of bed for the first time in 2 weeks. Let me be quick to add that I have been getting out of bed and getting on with my life even though I didn't want to. But this morning I woke up the way I usually do. I woke up thinking about all that I WANT to do. Not all that I need to do, or have to do, but what I WANT to do.

It is almost light outside. I think I can get a decent run in before I get back home and just spruce up a touch and drive across town to get to the Morning After group.

Maybe I will drag my camera around with me today and take some pictures to update my photo blog... I can't even tell whether it is sunny or cloudy yet today. It is only 32 degrees, I do know that. But once you get running, 32 can feel pretty hot.

Rainy Friday Morning

It is pouring rain outside. That is a very good thing. I can see my grass greening up before my very eyes. And my pregnant tree in the front yard looks like she is about to give birth to about a million little leaves.

I was up for a while in the night and then slept too late this morning. So, it is almost 7:30 a.m., I should be leaving for work, and I am sitting here at my computer - gazing at the rain - in my jammies. I must get going.

" When trouble comes, do not say: "Why should this happen to me?" Leave yourself out of the picture. Think of other people and their troubles and you will forget about your own. Gradually, get away from yourself and you will know the consolation of unselfish service to others. After a while, it will not matter so much what happens to you. It is not so important any more, except as your experience can be used to help others who are in the same kind of trouble." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

hAAppy socks!

I did have a hAAppy run this morning. It is a beautiful morning. 40 degrees and sunny. The birds are singing and some flowers are in bloom. The trees are heavy with buds - which always reminds me of being pregnant.

Yesterday was a better day. But when I did my 10th step inventory last night, I found that I had indulged in some gossip that I do not feel good about. I will need to nip that in the BUD!

I spoke with my ex-husband last night for 2 hours on the phone. He is in Los Angeles (his home is in Thailand) and would like very much if I would come to visit him for a weekend. Oh dear.

I pray that today will continue to be better.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." As Bill Sees It, p. 3

bigskymAAck

My dear friend has just started a recovery blog. I have known him since I got sober. He helped me immensely in my first 5 or 6 years of sobriety - before he moved away. Oh, I am so excited! Please take a second to visit my friend.

Trudging's Sobriety Date

Today is Trudging's 16th Birthday!

We just keep coming back - no matter what.

I remember when I was new people used to say "Just don't drink, even when your ass falls off, just don't drink." I thought that was a bunch of crap. Who ever heard of a person's ass falling off??? Well, when my ass fell off, I gathered it up with me and took it to a meeting.

Last night I slept with the heat off and the window open just a touch. I woke to the song of birds. That is a good thing. I am hopeful that today will be better than yesterday. I am going to put my bike rack on my car and ride home from work tonight. I am still a bit afraid of going downhill (after a bike accident last August) - the ride TO work is mostly downhill. The ride home is mostly UPhill. So, that will be good.

Priveleged to Communicate

"Everyone must agree that we A.A.'s are unbelievably fortunate people; fortunate that we have suffered so much; fortunate that we can know, understand, and love each other so suprememly well.

These attributes and virtues are scarecely of the earned variety. Indeed, most of us are well aware that these are rare gifts which have their true origin in our kinship born of a common suffereing and a common deliverance by the grace of God.

Thereby we are privileged to communicate with each other to a degree and in a manner not very often surpassed among our nonalcoholic friends in the world around us." - As Bill Sees It, p. 231

I am really struggling. Having been sober for a little while (21 years, 8 months, 11 days - thank you God) I have experienced these times before. The good thing about this accumulated experience is that I know I will be OK. Really, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, don't pick up a drink, do pick up the phone, do pray everyday, try to turn my thoughts to others, and have faith that this will pass and that after it does I will have this experience to share with my wonderful fellows in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank God it's Monday

I get to go back to work this morning! I get to see people and talk to people! I get to do productive things! I get to answer my phone when it rings! I get to use the new purple, pink, and turquoise pens I bought this weekend! And, I have a lunch date with someone I am coaching in a leadership thing at work!

Today I am truly grateful for the structure that my job brings to my life.

Sunday Morning

Just thought I would add a spring-y picture for cheer.

I just got home from a meeting of the Morning After Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was my home group for years, and truth be told (which it always is eventually), it is more my home group than what I currently call my home group. It was good to be there.

Yesterday was just plain hard. I kept forgetting that my cat was no longer here. It is a sick feeling to realize she is gone. I went to the grocery store which is my habit on Saturday morning, and realized I am not calling my son to find out what he wants for dinner tomorrow. I was crying in the produce section of the grocery store - I miss him so much it hurts physically. When I went to Home Depot, I walked through the painting section and started crying there - my recently deceased friend Eddie was a painter and it just hit me that Eddie is gone when I walked by the painters caps, overalls, etc. It was just that kind of day.

But I can thank God that I am capable of feeling love and feeling loss as well as joy. I don't like feeling bad, but I can be grateful that I can feel bad without going off the deep end and getting drunk or needing to call the suicide hot line.

And more good news is that yesterday I thoroughly cleaned my house. It looks so nice. No more cat hair. I actually know how to replace screens, so I will be doing that on all my windows - the screens are all clawed up.... and today my daughter is going to come over and take me to Home Depot to get a new screen door - it will fit in her Blazer. Maybe I'll take her out for lunch. Maybe I'll take pictures of lunch!

April Fool

I no longer have a cat in my home. After driving from shelter to shelter yesterday morning, I finally got one to accept Minerva. It was a sad thing. I left the shelter crying like a little baby. And then went to work...

When I got home, my garage door wouldn't open. I tried every device, the one in my car, the keypad on the side of the door, and then finally, the switch inside the garage. To no avail. Thank God for my next door neighbor. She came over and diagnosed the problem. Part of the mechanism is broken. I should be able to get that fixed without getting a second mortgage.

I am also grateful that I no longer have the automatic reactions I used to have to everything. I did not sit in my car last night and think about drinking, suicide, homicide, or even scream "F*#&@!!!" at the top of my lungs. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Now I am going swimming. Have a great weekend everyone.