Thursday Post on Wednesday Night

I have church tomorrow morning at 5, which means I need to be up at 4.  And here it is, after 9 p.m., and I am still awake.  I will regret this.  So I thought I will post tonight instead of tomorrow and save a few minutes.

I did something today I have never done before.  As I do each Wednesday morning, I sat with this young woman I sponsor.  She is working on the 4th column of her 4th step.  She is not getting it.  She has been in and around AA for the last 8 or 9 years.  She has been sober this time for about a year and a half.  She has done the steps more than once.  She is profoundly discouraged.  I don't blame her.  I told her that we would sit down together and get her fourth column done.   

It is not about blaming yourself for things you didn't do.  It is not about saying you were selfish when you didn't want your mother to abuse you.  It is not about claiming responsibility for world events when you are a receptionist.  It is about reality.  It is about finding out what your role is in your life and then realizing you can change that.  It isn't about "accepting" crappy behavior, and it is especially not about "forgiving" other people.  It is about cleaning up your own side of the street and keeping it squeaky clean.  So that YOU can stay sober.  Not anyone else.... Just YOU!  And if you are keeping your own side of the street clean, you haven't got much time or energy left over to figure out what is wrong with the other side of the street.  

That's my soap box for tonight.  Now I must go to sleep!  

Wednesday Morning

It is Wednesday Morning.  I have lived through Monday and Tuesday of this week.  There is nothing big at work so far this week.  I wish this something big would get over with.  We, as an organization, have been living with this constant dread since November of last year.   Government being involved in healthcare might sound like a good thing, but I don't think it is.... at all.

I am meeting my sponsee at our 6:30 meeting.  Then I will sit with her and hold her hand while she writes the fourth column of her fourth step.  This is something I would normally not do, so I am not real clear on why I am doing it now.  And actually, I will not be holding her hand, I will be knitting...

I better get on with it.  Take Care Everyone and Stay Sober Today.  

Three News Flashes

1. My daughter moved in (for 6 months) and spent the first night here last night.

2. It is snowing outside.

3. I went to the doc yesterday and was told to stop running for at least 10 days.

It is nice to have someone here.  It was great yesterday to have both of my daughters pop in.  They have not hung out for a very long time.  It was so good to hear them laughing and goofing - even though I am frequently the subject of their humor - and that is OK.  My daughter is a solitary kind of person like I am, so her living with me could either be great or horrible, but in either event it will be just fine.  

Snowing.  Big Fluffy Snow Flakes.  All over my lilacs, roses, honeysuckle, lavender, tulips, lilies, etc.  I covered a few things last night, but finally decided to let nature take her course.  She has not been in a good mood in the last month, has she?  I thought about the folks in Myanmar, China, and the tornado stricken parts of our own country - and realized a few frozen buds is not a big tragedy.  

When I realized that the 'big deal' was not happening at work yesterday, I made a doctor's appointment.  I have sciatica.  The big honkin' nerve that runs from your lower spine all the way down your leg is inflamed.  It hurts like hell, and has for a long time.  Thanks to two blogs, I was able to determine that I have been complaining about this since February.  I have Physical Therapy schedule for the first available appointment - May 21.  And was instructed not to run until then... and then wait to hear what the PTist says.  I am going to volunteer at the local marathon this weekend... just to keep excited about running.  

My first year of Biblical School ended last night.  I really enjoyed it, learned a lot, and met some great people.  Now I have Monday nights free, and don't have to study during the weekend.  

I will get to a meeting tomorrow morning.  My meeting schedule has really suffered for my lately busy-ness.  I will meet a sponsee at the meeting tomorrow.  That is food for my soul.

Winter Storm Warning

Yep.  On May 12.  Winter Storm Warning.  It snowed on me on Saturday during my run.  But that was a little flurry, this is expected to be a big old snow.  Oh, what will become of my rose bushes and lilacs?  The little rose bush I planted last spring has eleven (11) buds on it.  

I had the best Mother's Day yesterday.  All three of my children were here.  We hung out almost all day - even though two of them got their dad quite angry by not being at his house.  I got to hear my two daughters giggle together until it got on my nerves.  But it was a wonderful thing - I don't think they have laughed together for several years.  

I am going to head out of here and get a quick run in.  Then I will quickly get ready for work.  Today could be a big day and I want to be ready for it.  

Life sure is good, if you just hang on when it isn't.  Just hang on.  

An Alcoholic Mother

I am one. I had one. I have given birth to one. or two.

I had my first drink in July of 1966. I was pregnant by November of that year. I was 14 years old at the time, so you know this isn't going to have a really happy ending... I went away to a home for unwed mothers, they had them back then because it was scandalous for a child to get pregnant and have a child in the mid 60's. At the age of 15, I gave birth to a child I called Mary Catherine. She was named after a nun at the St. Vincent's home in Chicago where I was residing. I never got to touch her. She was whisked away from me the moment she was born. She was adopted immediately to a "good" family.

A lot happened between 1967 and 1976 when I gave birth to the first child I got to keep. On an August morning in 1976 I gave birth to a beautiful and perfect little boy. His father, my husband, was at my side. He loved me and he loved his child. We came home and I got to nurse this boy, and bathe his little body, and sit in a rocking chair with him all night long because he did not sleep. He was beautiful. He is now 31 years old and I still see that baby when I look at the man he is today.

In June 1978, my husband and I decided that we wanted another child. I desperately wanted a girl. By July 1978, I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was different. I was sick. I felt terrible. My belly was getting huge, but the rest of me was getting smaller. By December 1978, when the doc was suggesting that I might be due a month or two earlier than we thought - I insisted on an ultrasound - which was amazing new technology in 1978 - and got to see two little babies inside me! I was pregnant with twins! Were there twins in the family? no. In March 1979, I gave birth to two beautiful and perfect little girls. (5 lbs. 7 ounces, and 6 lbs. 6 ounces) But there was still a surprise... there was another baby. Stillborn. This sounds ridiculous, but that still makes me sad. The other thing that makes me sad is that my husband felt betrayed by this pregnancy. He always suspected that somehow I tricked him into having two children for one pregnancy. It put a huge strain on our marriage. So, I was the mother of three small children and had a husband who would not even LOOK at me. Obviously, he was not helping me with the children. And how do you defend yourself against such insanity?

One morning, 4 weeks after they were born, I was hurriedly trying to carry my youngest baby into a restaurant while husband, son, and other twin were sitting inside. I went to close the car door, and the little bundle, swaddled in a yellow blanket, fell out of her car seat and onto the ground. The little bundle did not cry or move once she hit the pavement. I picked her up and unwrapped her, and she started crying. I went into the restaurant, and her head started swelling. We took her to the hospital and she had a fractured skull. Oh my God. Her twin and I stayed at the hospital with her because I was breast feeding both of them. They didn't know if she would live through the day. Then they didn't know if she would live through the week. When they discharged her from the hospital, they said that she could die any time in the next six months. Thank God she lived. Do I sometimes wonder if she would be "OK" if I hadn't dropped her? Yep. Logically, I know that this makes no sense though. And another nail went into the coffin of our marriage.

When I got home from the hospital after giving birth to the girls, I drank margaritas all night long. This started a bender that really didn't end until I got sober in July, 1984. Thank God that I did not drink through my pregnancies. That is how I knew I was pregnant, the taste of a beer and a cigarette was suddenly disgusting and I knew something was VERY VERY wrong! I am so grateful for this blessing.

So much has happened since those little babies were born. Now they are adults. All of them. I found my adopted daughter when I was sober 2 years. I met her when she was 20. It was the most peculiar experience of my life. She was a budding drunk at that time. She was already the mother of a 3 year old boy. I have not been able to find them since 1990. I keep thinking that somehow I will find her again, but I have so far been unsuccessful.

When I was sober 6 years, my by-then ex-husband got custody of my three children. I was married to someone else, who decided to retaliate on my behalf - and then there was a restraining order. When your ex is married to a lawyer, these things happen.

When my youngest child started her own career with meth at the age of 15, my ex and his wife were more than happy to let me assume custody of her... We lived through those years. They were hard. Through all of this, we have never ever stopped loving each other. No matter what, we always love each other. She is the heart of my heart.

So, this year... My son is 31 years old. Recently returned from Iraq. He is buying his first house. The "good twin", L. has a budding career, is planing to move in with me for 6 months so that she can save money to go to Europe for a month in September. M is awaiting her admission to a very good rehab on May 21. MY ex, her father, has taken custody of HER two daughters. She made some threats when this happened, so there is a restraining order. She cannot see her daughters at all. She has not seen them since Easter.

Yesterday I got on the phone and called M. I asked her what she is doing for Mother's Day. Her voice changed from happy to sad and she said she would probably just feel sorry for herself all day. I told her we could hang out. She lit up and said "really?" I told her "You know, I do understand what this is like for you." She told me she has thought about that a lot lately.

I called the other two and told them that I was hanging with M. That they could join us, but the little ones couldn't be here because of the restraining order. I told them they really need to honor their step mother this year because she has taken on those two little ones. I may not agree with her 99.9% of the time, but I do respect that she has raised a bunch of kids who were not hers.

So I am having dinner for my kids at noon tomorrow. The two "good" ones will then go on to their dad's. I will hang out with my daughter - the one who is like me.

I do understand her. And I love her. And she loves me.

And you know what? The other two love me and I love them too. What a freaking miracle that this could come from what has happened to this family. If you were to walk in on us tomorrow, you would have no CLUE what the history is. You would just see a loving family.

Thank you God. Thank you program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.... that means you!

XXXOOO

------------------------------------

December 2009

I have edited this post since it gets a lot of traffic from searches for "alcoholic mother" and there was FAR too much personal information here. There is still probably too much. But I took out names and dates of birth, etc.

The good news is, I am still sober as I sit here today on my 58th birthday. I have been sober since July 24, 1984. My daughter got sober on January 14, 2009 and celebrated 11 months of continuous sobriety yesterday. One day at a time....We are all doing very well. My adopted daughter was able to find me and contacted me in February of this year. We have tentatively stepped back into a relationship... it is very strange to start a relationship with a 42 year old daughter when you have only met her once.

But my real news is that there is hope for alcoholics. We can and do get sober every single day in Alcoholics Anonymous.

There was no way I could take today off work.  So I tried to go to bed at 7:00 last night.... but the phone rang.   For over an hour I talked to my friend, the man I was so in love with 2 years ago, I called him "Mr. Sweetie Man" here in my blog.  His life has gone to hell in  hand basket in the intervening 2 years and I am so grateful that it didn't work out for us.  I think I would have married him if he had asked.   When we hung up, he called me "sweetie".  That makes twice in one week I have been called "sweetie" by a man.  It is kind of nice.  

I still haven't been to a meeting all week.  That is so unusual for me.  I like getting to lots of meetings.  I will go tomorrow morning - I may go today at noon if I have time, or tonight on my way home from work.  But for sure I will hit my Saturday morning meeting.  

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

Thursday Morning

I went to church early this morning and then came home and went back to sleep.  I am still tired.  I may try to see if I can take tomorrow off.  I need a day off - bad.

Last night my sprinkler guy came over.  He is a fellow AA member, has been sober 21 years, so we have lots to talk about.  After we got the sprinkler system up and running, we stood outside and talked for about an hour.  It was wonderful!  We talked about how much AA has changed in our tenures.  How much we miss the good old days when people did not tolerate so much.  When someone would be happy to tell you when you were full of shit.  

Now we like to be sweet to everyone.  No one seems to care that we may be killing them with kindness.  And in my opinion, being "kind" to newcomers is more about me looking good and being likable than it is about helping another suffering alcoholic.  Some of the kindest things that have been said or done to me have seemed cruel at the time.  

Got to get to work.  Have a sweet day everyone.  

Thunderstruck

I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder - and the sight of my drapes reflecting the lightening.  But it is not raining.  That should change soon I think.

I can't make it to my normal Wednesday morning meeting and meeting afterward with a sponsee.  I have to be at work by 7:30.  Yet another big deal at work.  It is OK.  I just need to roll with the flow and not get upset.  

I sure love thunder and lightening.  I sure love the month of May.  I sure love the warmer weather.  I love my flowers hanging around everywhere.  I love that my daughter is moving in with me for 6 months so that she can save her money and go to Europe.  I love that my other daughter has somehow gotten herself an admission date at a very very nice treatment center - May 21.  

I love that I can take a hot bath this morning, put on nice clothes, and go to work.  Well, I might like the hot bath and nice clothes a LOT more than going to work, but that's OK.

Round #1

Today I have a huge thing to do at work. There was a time when this type of activity would cause me excitement mixed with a bit of anxiety. Lately, these types of things cause me no excitement, but a lot of anxiety. Which means that it is probably time for a change at work. Fortunately and unfortunately, I am imprisoned by the "golden handcuffs" of an extremely good retirement plan coupled with an investment of time - so I am not likely to leave my current employer. But! Someone may retire within the next year, someone who took a job I had years ago, and I may just go back to what I used to do. There are no high anxiety days like today on the agenda for that job. I believe I could negotiate in such a way that I would take no cut in pay... just a huge cut in stress.

I have my "dream" job now. But after 7 years, I am tired of it. It was not exactly what I thought it would be. Isn't that the way it usually works? I have given up on the big promotion I thought I would get some day. In the last year I have gotten comfortable with that. I am ready to move back downstairs, literally as well as figuratively, and humbly work through the remainder of my career.

Sorry, I am sure this isn't exactly thrilling reading. But it is something that has been hugely on my mind in the last year, and particularly the last 6 months.

I am a person who was always a "victim" when I was living with active alcoholism. When I got sober I realized that I had put myself into situations in which I played that role. I realized that I did not have to live that way, that I had choices in life. It is important for me to keep that realization. So many people where I work feel that they are victims of all sorts of things. They feel trapped because of the "golden handcuffs" - which is their choice. As it is mine. I realized after the weekend that this is the reason for my nightmares - I was feeling trapped in an extremely unpleasant situation.

I know that God is "large and in charge," and that if I will just keep doing "the next right thing" and be true to myself and my fellows, I will be OK. It just doesn't feel really great right now. And that is OK.

Happy Decision

Yesterday at 6 miles into my planned 17 mile run I had the following inner conversation:

• Mary, you have run 6 miles, you have 11 miles to go.  Do you even want to do this?
  
• If you run 17 miles, you will spend the remainder of this beautiful day on the sofa - no having the kids over, no baking a pie, nothing but trying to live through the day.
  
• You want to run a marathon, but are you willing to sacrifice the next 40 days getting ready for it?
  
• Do you want to run with grim determination?
  
• Or do you want to run with joy?

I chose joy.  I ran 4 more miles.  10 miles is a good training run for a half marathon.  I am going to run a half marathon in Alaska and know that I will enjoy the rest of my vacation.  I will not have to be miserable about running anymore.  I can run the way I like to run.  And enjoy it!

So today I will head off to work.  I have a bunch of work I brought home on Friday night - and I better do it today because it never got off the back seat of my car this weekend.  I have a couple of things to do this week that I am dreading, but they will be over by 1:00 p.m. on Wednesday afternoon.  I will try to spend my time preparing instead of dreading.   

Sunshine Superman

That's an old song by Donovan. Sunshine came softly through my window today... could have tripped out easy, but I've changed my ways... Love that song!

Sunshine did come softly through my window today. It is a sunny day. I am about to put my running skirt on and head out the door for my "make or break" 17 mile run. If I can do this, I will continue to train for a marathon. If I cannot do it, I will joyfully decide to run a half marathon in June. Which will mean that I can cut back drastically on my mileage. This makes it sound like the decision is already made - but it isn't.

Yesterday my neighbor and I took our annual trip to the garden shop.  I bought the above mandevila for my front porch.  I don't know the first thing about mandevilas, but it sure is pretty.  Hopefully it will thrive.  

I spent a lot of time in fellowship with AA folks yesterday.  It was good.  I went out for breakfast after the meeting.  I went to an AA function at a fellow member's home - where I spent hours on a deck, looking at a spectacular view of the mountains, sitting with friends and laughing so much I got a headache.  I brought a strawberry pie, and people literally lined up for a piece, as I doled it out.  Those who didn't get a piece complained loudly.  My pies are getting a reputation!

I talked about my nightmares a lot yesterday.  And do you know what?  Last night I did not have one.  I slept like a baby all night long.  Some people are mighty uncomfortable with me, as a person with long-term sobriety, talking about problems like I was a newcomer or something!  Am I here for them?  No.   I am here for me.  Sorry.  I do not go to meetings for anyone but me.  If I should help someone while I am there, that is great.  But I have not reached the pinnacle, the mountain-top, where I no longer am in any danger of drinking - I am an alcoholic.  And if there is one thing I have learned from 23 and 3/4 years in Alcoholics Anonymous - it is that we are never cured.  We are never immune.  I am just as much a drunk as I was when I hit the doors.   By the Grace of a Loving God, I get to live a sober and most of the time happy life today.  And when I have a problem?  I am going to talk about it.  

Have a blessed sober day today.  XXXOOO!!!

Saturday Morning

Hi Everyone,

Even though you have shown me time after time that this isn't a safe or appropriate place to share my inner thoughts - I continue to do it.  I guess I am tough enough to pour my thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears out here and have you all critique them.  Not that you all do that, most of you are lovely people who share the back and forth, the give and take, of friendship - online or face to face.  But there are some who like to come by and call me names (I delete these) and tell me what I ought to do - based on their 30 days of experience with sobriety.

So, this morning I have been awake since 3:30.  I woke up with my heart pounding after another nightmare about my ex-husband.  I have been having these nearly every night for the last 3 weeks.  My ex-husband tried to kill me and indeed broke many of my bones, chipped two of my teeth, estranged me from my children, etc.....  But we have been divorced for 15 years!!!  15 Years.  Last night I dreamed that he took my ticket to Alaska - when I was at the airport. I was able to get a replacement ticket, but by the time I got back to the gate, the plane had left.  I think this dream might be symbolic of the way I feel about his impact on my life.  

I wrote inventory on this relationship and the other associated relationships affected by the marriage last summer.  I 5th stepped it with my sponsor.  I did the rest of the so-called "work"... several times on this.  I know that there have been other things in my life that I have just resolved to call "my cross to bear," maybe this is another.

I  think I am having these nightmares because I have a horrendous situation at work that has now gone on for 6 months... I have a couple of other situations... and add these all up and I have anxiety.  

I am out of time to write this now.  I must get to the 6:30 meeting. I am happy to have a place to go - where I really want to be.  Thank God.

And thank you, all my friends, for reading this and then not pouncing on me in my vulnerability.

Love,

MC

44,444 visitors

This morning I am the 44,444th visitor to my blog.  And since I am feeling, well, shall we say what Pammie says, and call it "floopy", I thought I maybe could write about my blog.  This blog has been a revelation to me.  I love writing.  I love the fact that people read my blog.  I love the fact that people have told me that this blog has helped them.  I love the fact that my friend Robert found my blog (I very very seldom tell my "real" friends about my blog) and reads it and tells me that he feels he knows me better from reading my blog than he has ever known me from years of sitting in meetings with me.  I love the other bloggers I have met, Lash, Pammie, Daave, Scott W., Zane, Motorcycle Mike, etc.  That has been wonderful.

I don't like some asinine comments.  I don't like that people come and go so much that my links are all out of date.  I don't like that when a new person comes along, I don't bother with a link until they have been around for a while, because I don't trust that they will continue to blog.  I miss the group that was around a year or two ago.  

OK! Enough of that!  Last night I had dinner with a long-time sponsee.  What a wonderful thing these relationships are.   

Yesterday at work, I got a new super fancy notebook computer.  The screen flips around and you can write on it.  The cool thing was, I had men in and out of my office for several hours and will again today.  In healthcare, we are mostly women.  I love women, but I really love men and I miss them!  They will be back today because I have so many special programs on my computer, it takes a lot of work.... like SPSS for statistical analysis... I LOVE statistics.  

People wonder why I am always quantifying visitors, comments, searches, etc. on my blog... I cannot help but do that.  I love statistical analysis, and I will do it whenever I get the chance.  So, welcome to all the visitors >44,444!

Glad it is Thursday

And I am going to church.  The birds are singing outside. It will be a good day if I can get out of  the way.  

"Day by day, we try to move a little toward God's perfection.  So we need not be consumed by maudlin guilt for failure to achieve His likeness and image by Thursday next.  Progress is our aim, and His perfection is the beacon, light-years away, that draws us on."  As Bill Sees It, p. 15

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry

Pammie asked me a bunch of questions yesterday - I am in a hurry this morning, so I will answer her questions:

1.  Come to Houston tonight:  Oh, how I wish I could!

2.  Can you wear skates or something in the marathon?  Nope.

3.  Can you jog and not run this damn marathon?  You should see me "run", it is not exactly blinding speed.

4.  Can you just run until you're tired and then stop?  Then I would never start!

5.  Can you go and watch?  Yep.

6.  Can you wear your skirt to anything else besides the marathon?  Yep.  I now wear it almost every night after work - it is so comfy - and cute!

I am assured by the folks who actually DO run marathons that being discouraged is part of the process.  I am not so sure that my discouragement is not reality based.  I will have some decisions to make and I find the prospect daunting.

I will still go to Anchorage.  I have my tickets already and I am really looking forward to going to Alaska.  I have a train trip booked to go to Denali National Park and stay there for a couple of days.  I have already paid for that and I am definitely going.  

I can run a half-marathon if I cannot run a full marathon.  It will be OK.  It is just hard when you are this age - if I do not run a marathon this year, I will never do it.  I am old as it is, and I am getting older every year.  This is not self-pity - this is reality.  

Now I am off to a meeting and to meet a sponsee.  Thank God for AA and the people in it.  Whenever I start thinking all of this is a 'problem', I find that on the scale of 'problems,' this is pretty low on the list!

Last Year

On this date,  I drove up to Houston from Galveston and met Daave, Scott W., Pammie, and Zane.  It was a revelation to me that these people were pretty much who I expected them to be.  I had never met Daave before, but based on reading his blog for over a year, knowing that he posted early in the morning every single day , without exception,  I gratefully accepted his generous offer to pick me up at the airport as I turned in my rental car.   He very kindly drove me around for a day or two.  I trusted him to be there and to do what he said.  And he did!  I had such a delightful time meeting these folks - I really would like to come back to Houston some time - soon.  

Yesterday I realized some stuff.  It wasn't very much fun.  And to top that off, I had my annual evaluation at work.  For the first time since my boss has been my boss (7 years), he was almost critical of my performance.  He told me that I need to do some stuff I have been reluctant to do.  Probably most people would have thought it was a good eval, because he is pushing for me to get the highest rating, which requires a bunch of work on his part, but I felt terrible because I know what he told me is true, and frankly, I am not real sure I can do what he wants me to do.  

I am also not sure I can run a marathon.  Right now I am pretty sure I cannot run a marathon.  This is a tough realization.  I am taking this week off running.  My left hip is killing me, I have open wounds from chafing from my heart rate monitor strap, and I am beyond tired.  I will see how I feel after a few days off.  I appreciate the concern expressed by some readers yesterday, but I am sure I am not ill - just a 56 year old woman with a full time job, a family, an AA life and responsibilities, a church life and responsibilities, finishing up my first year of Biblical School, and training for my first marathon.  The marathon training pushes everything right over the top!

Today I am riding my bike to work.  This is something I have loved in the past.  I am hoping it will bring me the joy it always has.  

Monday Morning

Do you want to hear a news flash?  I had a terrible 10 mile run yesterday - at the slowest pace I have ever run.  I think perhaps my discouragement about this may be way out of proportion.  I am extremely discouraged, at this point I have no idea how I can run a marathon in 7 weeks.   I think I am just extremely tired.  I think I am MUCH too old for this kind of torture.  

I talked with a friend yesterday and she told me she has begun going to a meeting I used to attend.  I think I am going to add this one to my meeting schedule.  I was there on the first day they met - in fact, I named the group!  If I had woken earlier this morning, I would have gone this morning... but as I said in the first paragraph, I am really tired.  

I also talked with my sponsor yesterday.  I am so grateful for this woman.  I have two sponsees in crisis right now and it was good to talk with my sponsor about it.  It doesn't hurt that usually we (my sponsor and I) are on the same page about just about everything.  

"...I can give thanks for present pain nevertheless.  I find the willingness to do this by contemplating the lessons learned from past suffering -- lessons which have led to the blessings I now enjoy.  I can remember how the agonies of alcoholism, the pain of rebellion and thwarted pride, have often led me to God's grace, and so to a new freedom."  -- As Bill Sees It, p. 266

Blogging from the sofa

A rare Sunday morning, I am not running off to a meeting or to church or to running itself.  I sat down at my desk to write this post and thought about the fact that I could sit on my sofa and write.  I recently bought a laptop, but often forget that I can take it out of my office and put it wherever I want to sit!  So, here I sit in my jammies, cross-legged on the sofa, drinking coffee, watching my favorite Sunday morning news show, "This Week," and writing my 951st blog entry on this thing!

Yesterday morning I realized that it was snowing outside, so I opted not to run.  So today I will run.  I will wait an hour or two until it warms up though.  It is only 27º right now.  Yesterday was a nice restful day, and today I feel ready to get out there and run 10 miles.  Imagine 10 miles being a "short" run!  

After the meeting yesterday, I had coffee with a dear friend.  It is such a blessing to have this woman in my life.  Her birthday is the day after mine, so we are virtually the same age.  She has been sober for 14 + years, I have been sober for 23 + years - so we can talk about the challenges of long term sobriety.  Let me quickly say - they are not the same kinds of challenges that we face in those early, drama filled years of sobriety.  They are the challenges of growing up - of not being part of the gang, of being set apart.  

Once again, I sat back and realized that my life is actually very good.  It is actually very stable.   We talked about some other folks with long term sobriety whose lives are still pretty insane.  Not to judge, but just to think about.   I think maybe at a certain point, we have a choice.    

By the Grace of a Loving God.  Thank You!

New Tulips!

These are the tulips in my little flower bed in my back yard.  I planted these just after I had moved here, six and a half years ago.  They bring me joy when they come back every spring.  I have written about this repeatedly - so I won't bore you all... but I love tulips.  

Today I shall go to the 6:30 meeting and then take a short long run.  I will run only 10 miles this morning.  Next week I will bump up to 17 miles.  I really don't know how this is happening or how much more mileage I can eek out of this old body.  But I will keep trying and hopefully I will be successful at my marathon on June 21... in Anchorage... what fun.

Being sober is a wonderful thing.  I can plan on doing things on a Saturday morning - and then actually do them!  I can plant tulips in the fall, and then be there to see them in the spring - year after year.  I can be counted on by my friends and family to be, as my friend Larry says, "the same person every day."  He says that is how he knows he can trust me.... I am the same person every day.  That certainly did not used to be the case.

Blessings to you all.  Have a Happy Saturday!

Friday Morning

I woke up with a migraine this morning. This is the first I have had since I got the medication that got rid of the last one I had. But I am worried about taking it without anything on my stomach... and I don't want to eat because I feel sick. Hmmm. I think I just better take one.

This morning a few of us are taking my boss out for breakfast. It should be nice.

Yesterday I was on the phone a lot. Some friends and sponsees were having really difficult days. I am grateful that I am someone that someone else would want to talk to when they need to talk to someone.

Today a new blogger, Sober Alcoholic Soldier, is going to his first meeting. Go over and welcome him! He found my blog because the names of our blogs are so similar. And I was worried about changing the name of my blog! Isn't that a classic example of something that you might have thought was "bad" turning into something that is definitely good. So, Sober Alcoholic Soldier, I will tell you what I tell people I see at their first meeting:

I hope you hear something that makes you want to Keep Coming Back.
Don't drink. Go to meetings. Read the big book.
And Keep Coming Back!

Wannabe

Yesterday at the meeting, I was struck by how many people are sitting around wanting to have a drink. To me, that is just wacky. When I got sober, I was done drinking. I want to be sober - more than anything in the world. Or as my old friend Big Ed used to say "ya gotta wannabe sober more than ya wannabe drunk." I think that is the one and only thing we cannot provide in AA - that desire.

At lunch, I saw R. sitting on the corner, with his sign "anything helps, God bless." R. is a young, good looking, reasonably intelligent man, who thinks that living under a bridge is a clever way of life. The cars wake him up in the morning, and he can tell when he is likely to make enough money for his daily supply of booze. Last winter he got frostbite, then gangrene. He is now sitting in a wheelchair - minus the two legs that were amputated - at the corner. He got sober for 30 days after he got out of the hospital, but now he is back under the bridge.

I really don't understand what it takes sometimes.

I am just grateful that I had a bottom. My bottom was low enough for me, thank you very much. I now want to be sober. I do not want to drink. I am grateful for every day I do not drink. All of them. And to think I found a wonderful new way of life as a result of my sobriety is almost more than a person could believe, but it is true.

Anything helps. God Bless.

One Fine Day

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I gave my presentation at governing body yesterday. I have seen this group turnover many times, but this is the most talkative group they have ever had. Each item got discussed ad nauseum. By the time it was my turn, I had been sitting there for over 2 hours - and I had to pee desperately. But I knew if I suggested we take a break the meeting would go for hours longer. I knew at least half of the room had to go as bad as I did, and this might truncate discussion - or so I hoped. After I had been talking for about 45 minutes, I finally looked at the clock and said " I need to leave at noon, so I need to wrap this up." I thought that was reasonable since the meeting was supposed to end at noon. When I left the room, I sighed and whispered "holy f***" and then I saw that another person from the meeting was sitting outside the room talking on his cell phone. Impressive, huh?

I came home and took a quick 3 mile run... then I got to visit with someone... then I got to sit around... then I got to take a nap... then I got to sit outside... Life is Good.

I need to get out of here and meet my sponsee at the 6:30 meeting.

And let this be a placemarker for telling you all what my former son-in-law did. People really really do change when they get clean and sober - I am so impressed with this man and how he is taking serious action to stay clean and sober.

Tuesday Morning

I am having a hard time getting started today. I have to give my quarterly report to governing body this morning and I need to look sharp and be sharp. I feel like I would rather stay home in bed and watch movies that I have downloaded onto my new computer. I may see if I can take the afternoon off. Someone is going to be in town this afternoon, and I would dearly love to spend a few hours with him.

Thank you for your comments about my new blog name. It really was hard to let go of my old name. But I feel much better about the new one.

I talked with my daughter yesterday. Since she hadn't called all weekend, I thought it was reasonable to ask if she was still clean. Well, yes, but not for as long as she was last week. She had found a "nice big baggie" in her makeup and decided it would be appropriate to use the contents. She is feeling pretty bad about that. She asked me what she should do - she said she is 100% committed to being clean until she hits the slightest bump in the road, and she always throws in the towel. She asked how she can get strong enough to get through these times. I told her she would never be strong enough. She is powerless. The power must come from God. I could hear her saying "yeah, yeah, yeah..." Maybe this is why a mother is not the one who should be talking to her daughter about her addiction.

I better get my day in gear. Wish me good luck with my quarterly report!

One Sober Alcoholic

After 2 years and 8 months, and nearly 1000 posts, I have decided to change the name of my blog. My heart skipped a beat or two as I did it. I think it will be OK. I am way more attached to my blog than I probably should be.

Someone else has taken the name "Anonymous Alcoholic." That is OK. But it has caused a bit of confusion. So, being a person who has "ceased fighting anything or anyone..." I am going to give up my name.

Lest you think I am entirely virtuous about this - I am not. I have had mixed feelings from the very beginning about using the name "Anonymous Alcoholic." It sounded arrogant to me, like I was THE one and only. My blog came up on searches for real AA stuff and I never felt comfortable with that.

Perhaps the name "One Sober Alcoholic" will more accurately describe the contents and context of my blog. My blog is simply me, as a recovering alcoholic, writing about my life, day in and day out. And in case you haven't been here before, or haven't been here for long, let me recap:

I drank nearly every day for 18 years of my life. From the time I was 14 until I was 32. From 20 to 32 it was definitely every single day of my life - with the exception of my pregnancies - thank you God! And I guess I was in such a hurry to get back to drinking, that in my pregnancies, I was 3 for 2, having one son and twin daughters. I wanted desperately to quit drinking for the last 3 years of my drinking. Prior to then I knew I had a problem, in fact, I knew I was an alcoholic, but I thought I could manage it or quit if I ever needed to. When I needed to I was absolutely unable to do so. And I thank God for that experience.

In the course of my drinking years, there are many stories. Some are funny. Some are adventurous. Some are dreadful. Some caused me terrible shame. Mostly I hurt other people by being a tornado ripping through their lives, and I didn't even know it. When I got sober, I did what so many of us do - I thought I mainly hurt myself and that my biggest amends would be to myself! ha! The big book says that we cannot tell the true from the false, and that is a shining example right there.

By the Grace of God, I found my way to Alcoholics Anonymous on July 24, 1984 and have not had a drink since then. In those years I have done nearly everything you are not supposed to do. I didn't listen to sponsors. I listened to boyfriends. I had every higher power but the One I have now. I dated a man who drank - for my first year and a half of sobriety. The list is far too long to detail here, but I am sure you get the idea. I am also grateful for these experiences, because they show me that it is not through my great WORK that I have stayed sober. I am sober by the Grace of a Loving God, and I know it.

That said, I did do work. I never stopped going to meetings. I got active in AA service. I worked and continue to work steps. I helped and continue to help others work steps. This to me is merely cooperation with God's plan for me to stay sober. If I could produce sobriety, I would have done it years before I created the wreckage I left in my wake!

My early sobriety was a mess. I swear, it took me 10 years just to detox. At 10 years of sobriety, I felt like Dorothy when the tornado finally let go of her house and she was dropped into Oz, a land that was in technicolor. I was able to get a job at a facility where I still work today. I was able to go to school and get my bachelor's and master's degrees. I got many promotions at work. I bought a little house where I planted little flowers and get to watch them come up every spring. My children grew up and I have two granddaughters. I am part of my neighborhood, my church, my AA group, my workplace, my community, my world. I belong here and I am responsible for that!

Now that I am not 'Anonymous Alcoholic', I will tell you that my spiritual journey through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous brought me back to the Church of my youth. When I got to AA, I called myself a "recovering Catholic." ha ha. Maybe I didn't realize how true that was. Because now being a Roman Catholic woman is who I am. The restoration of that is one of the hugest things that has happened in my life.

So right now.. I sit at my little desk, with my little computer, being grateful for where God and Alcoholics Anonymous have brought me. I am training to run a marathon in June. I am completing my first year of a 4 year Biblical School. I have just finished teaching my first semester at my Alma Mater University.

I am 56 years old and I don't know if I have ever been happier in my life. I may have thought I have been from time to time when I have been "in love," but today I have true contentment that comes from a deep and abiding faith in and relationship with God.

I so appreciate the people who have read my blog over the years. You have touched my heart in so many ways. I hope that we will continue in this relationship. It is just another leap of faith for me to change my name... and I am sure it will be exactly the way it is supposed to be. Thank you.

Saturday Afternoon

I did run 15 miles today. It nearly killed me, but I did it. When I was hobbling to my car to go home I couldn't help but wonder how I could possibly run another 11.2 miles after 15. I really don't know. But I didn't think I could run 15 either.

I thought the above photo was funny. There is a cafe just for people on the trail. So, all these yuppies in their spandex get a cup of latte and get a little bit more aggressive than they had been earlier - and believe me, they are quite aggressive. Sharing a trail with bike riders on a Saturday afternoon is something I don't think I want to do again.

The meeting was quite good this morning. I was happy to be chairing. Especially since I had a running skirt on and the desk at the front of the room where the chairperson sits hides a person's legs. ha ha.

I talked with someone after the meeting who agreed that chairing meetings is so very good for people newer in sobriety. You may say that I need to chair meetings, but I say that I know I can chair a meeting and every time I do I take away that opportunity from someone who doesn't know they can chair a meeting. The principle of rotation has been one of the finer lessons I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous. As a person with long term sobriety, there are plenty of things that I am responsible for, but I don't think chairing a lot of meetings is one of them.

Now I am looking for someone who will go to dinner with me. I will buy if they will fly. I need a ride. There is no way right now that I could even drive a car! What a jock, huh?

P.S., my son just called and we are going to have spaghetti from my favorite neighborhood Italian restaurant!!!! YAY!!!

Friday Night Post

Tomorrow morning I am chairing the 6:30 meeting, so I actually have to get there on time! I am leaving directly from the meeting to do my planned 15 mile run. I have a lot of getting ready to do before I can leave here tomorrow morning and I will not have time to post anything. So I thought I would post tonight.

I had a very productive day at work today. I am doing some creative stuff and it feels really good. I left work and went to the running store to get a new visor. Well, they know me in there, so they showed me a new running skirt and top. It is so dang cute, I just had to buy it. So now I have a new outfit to wear while running. And I will wear it for the marathon, I do believe.

When I got home, although I had planned to clean my house tonight, I decided it was too beautiful outside to be stuck indoors. I did something that makes my heart sing! I pruned trees, and rose bushes and cut back my lavender bushes. My neighbor came over and helped me with the big limbs I was cutting off an aspen tree. Oh, what a wonderful thing spring is. I love to be outdoors. And I love tending to living things.

I am so grateful to be a sober woman living where I live and how I live. What a miracle it is! So tomorrow I will perform my annual duty of chairing a meeting. I HATE chairing meetings. When I was new, I did it all the time, and it was good for me. Now I feel that when I chair meetings I am taking away that opportunity from a new person. So now I will go take a bath and put on my jammies and maybe watch a few minutes of TV before I slip between the sheets and sleep like a baby.

Nighty-Night everyone. I will let you know how my 15 miles goes tomorrow.

Friday Morning

Today is my boss' birthday. I have a really pretty card for him. His birthday is usually a secret, but yesterday I told someone who decided it really needed to be a big deal. So, we are having a little birthday celebration this morning at 8:30.... which means I need to be at work by 8:30.

I have spent most of the last couple of years not really liking my boss. Now he has a new boss who is interfering in the way we do things. I don't like his boss coming directly to me... so I feel I have to run to my boss to tell him what is going on. All this (and a few more things) has made me feel much more loyal to my boss. It calls to mind what someone said after 9/11 when all Americans loved one another for a day or two: that all it would take for world peace is for us to be attacked by aliens. When we have a common threat, enemy, or peril, we can suddenly be united. I would like to think there was something more high-minded going on in my little brain, but I think it is the common threat thing.

I am just working all day. Then I am going to come home and clean house. I cannot imagine that once I have run 15 miles tomorrow I am going to be able to do much else (if I am even able to run 15 miles!)

Have a good sober day everyone.

April Snows

This is a picture of my church as I left it this morning. It is a very beautiful morning, everything is coated with snow. I know that the snow will melt before the day is over and we can get on with the rebirth that is spring.

My daughter came over to see me last night. She was clean for 9 days yesterday. But she is drinking. Which won't work very well for her. I pray she can get sober as well as clean because the girl is definitely an alcoholic and drinking is disastrous to her. I am however grateful that she has not shot meth for 9 days.

I think I will get in the bathtub and warm up - and then spend another half hour to hour hurriedly running around my house trying to get ready for work - that I should already be on the way to now.

This too shall pass

A Winter Storm Warning. Yep. On April 16. That's OK. I put fertilizer on my lawn last week because we were expecting a lot of snow then, but didn't get it. We could use a nice big snow now. Yesterday it got up in the 80s, today we are expecting snow. (The picture of the tulips is from last year, they still haven't bloomed this year, but expect pictures when they do.)

I am feeling vaguely dissatisfied this morning. Not real sure what is going on. Several things feel slightly off kilter.

• I am not overwhelmed with love for my AA group right now (this too shall pass... been through this too many times not to know that.)
  
• I have an opportunity at work to really shine, but I will probably have to put in lots of extra hours to do it, and I am not feeling particularly energetic right now
• I have an opportunity to do something on Saturday that I would really like to do, but it would mean putting off my 15 mile run until Sunday and I don't want to do that
• As the mileage increases in my training, so does the time - 4 hours on a weekend is 12% of the weekend's waking hours
• I need to send out the fundraising letters for my marathon - I enthusiastically volunteered to join a group of women raising money for some nuns providing free in-home care to the indigent elderly... but I have to get my butt in gear and actually start begging!

So I think I can see from that bare beginning of a list (or inventory, if you will) that I just have too much to do and too little energy with which to do it.

At the end of each little sentence, I could have written "this too shall pass" because it will. I will likely wake up tomorrow with joy in my heart and excitement about the day. But for today, I will live in the knowledge that all is well and Feelings aren't Facts.

Can't put off my taxes for another day

But that is OK. I have the ability to pay what I owe, and for that I am truly grateful. I just wish we lived in a more just society. One where I payed less taxes because there was a hell of a lot less government to pay for, but that's just me!

Yesterday I got in a car accident on my way to work. Isn't it funny how time slows down when you are watching your rear view window and seeing a great big pick-up truck about to plow into you? He had a look of horror on his face. I was able to turn my car slightly so that I didn't plow into the car ahead of me. So the truck only clipped the corner of my bumper. We pulled over, stopped, got out of our vehicles, and I told him to forget about it. Judging by the amount of damage to his car (extensive) and the amount of damage to mine (minimal) and his extreme relief and gratitude to me, I would guess the man has some reason(s) he didn't want to deal with Law Enforcement yesterday morning.

I might now be "even" with my karma on the car accident thing. I think I have had two car accidents where I was clearly at fault and had no insurance. And for some reason, totally unknown to me, both of the men I ran into just told me to forget about it.

I just didn't used to like to pay for insurance. The last day I drove without insurance, I was 10 years sober, and I prayed before I left the house that day for "just one more day," because I was selling my car that day and going without a car for a while. And wouldn't you know it, I got pulled over by the police and got a ticket for not having insurance. And that was the last day I drove without it.

So, I better get on with my day. It should be a "jim dandy," whatever that means!

Monday, day before taxes due...

I guess I better put that on my list of things to do. I always send off my taxes on April 15. I don't know what difference it would make to send them on March 15 or February 15 - but somehow I don't send money until I have to. So that will be tomorrow.

Today I want to skedaddle to get to at least part of the 6:30 meeting. Then I hope a calm day at work. Then Biblical School. Then I get to see someone I haven't seen for a month and a day.

My ten mile run kicked my butt yesterday. This weekend I will attempt my longest run ever - 15 miles. I am going to keep training to run a marathon on June 21. I really am beginning to doubt that I can do it though. I know I can run a half-marathon... so if I have to, I will run a half. I am so looking forward to my trip to Alaska... the marathon, seeing my nephew and his family, my brother and sister-in-law, maybe my sister, getting on the train to Denali National Park, staying at a lodge there for two days, a fishing charter, then coming back home and having a couple more days off of work.

I talked with my boss about my tardiness recently. I am a salaried employee, so it isn't like I have to punch a timeclock at 8 a.m., but really, I should be responsible enough to get to work at a reasonable time most days. I told him I can't seem to get to work on time at all. He just said "you just need a vacation." Isn't that sweet? I really DO need a vacation. Hopefully my behavior will improve.

Sunday Morning

I spent the day with my granddaughters yesterday. This is a picture of them at the little lake I took them to. There is also a playground there, where they got to play like children - without anyone directing their every move or telling them to be quiet. I feel bad for kids now, they are always on adult time...there is so little allowance for the need for mischief and mayhem that all children possess.

I am about to go off on a ten mile run. I feel happy about this because the day is just about perfect for it. It is sunny and nearing 50 degrees - which will feel downright tropical after a mile or two. I probably actually enjoy cloudy days more, but what the heck! It is not cloudy today, so I think I shall enjoy a sunny day!

I couldn't be happier this morning. I have just gotten home from church, I am about to take a run. My new computer works on my back porch, my grandchildren and safe and well-cared for, I am sober.

Saturday Morning

My favorite time of the week.  I love looking forward to the weekend.   This morning I will go to my favorite AA meeting of the week.  While I am there, I will knit... the finishing rows on a silk shawl I have been working on for several months.  I love knitting that thing, it feels just heavenly.

Later this morning, my granddaughters are coming over to spend the day.  I am very excited about this, but also a little bit nervous.  I am not a great "little kid" person.   We get along famously, but after a few hours, I get really tired of all the attention these little people require.  I hope to serve them waffles with strawberries and whipped cream this morning... then take them shopping for new clothes (who doesn't like that?!?)...then take them to the park to play at a playground.  Then I am hoping that they will be coerced into taking a nap, realizing of course, that the nap may never happen.  

Thank God I am sober and able to be a nice Grandmother.  I cannot imagine what kind of drunken old lady I would have made.  Eeeesh.  The thought just kind of makes me shiver.

Can I make a motion to have 30 hours in a day?

Then maybe I would have time to do all I want to do in a day or a week.  I am playing with my new super cool computer right now.  But alas! I do not have time. I am making  a super cool movie with music and everything.  But I should be getting ready for work.  

I would also like to be at the end of the 6:30 meeting about right now.  We would be just about ready to stand up, join hands, and say the Lord's Prayer together - easily my favorite part of any meeting!  

I would also like to be outside finishing up a 5 mile run, feeling like Wonder Woman.  

But I am sitting here, playing around with movies and music and fun stuff with my computer.  It is fun, fun, fun.

Yesterday my phone rang while I was meeting with the Medical Director (one of my favorite people on this earth!) in my office.  I looked at the number and knew it was an "old school" real land line number on the north side of Denver.  He asked if I needed to get it, and I said NO.  I thought it was my daughter and I thought I could certainly wait til later to find out the latest thing in her life.  Later, curiosity got the better of me and I called the number.  A man answered the phone, and I said "Someone just called me from this number?"  And he said "Yep, someone sure did."  Oh My Goodness.  It was my former boyfriend.  The drunken cowboy I adored.  The one who still adores me.  If you are interested, you can read this little post about the history.

Unfortunately, he is still drunk.  We had a nice little chat.  I told him to call sometime when he is sober.  How sad.  He asked how many boyfriends I have... I told him it was a cast of thousands, certainly too many to count (ha ha ha).  He asked how many of them I am going to marry, and I had to tell him "none."  

What a heartbreaker that one was.  

Let's have a good sober day today, OK?

7:45 a.m., I'm in jammies

Seems like a reasonable decision would be to stay home from work again, but I am not going to. So I need to "kick it in the ass" and get myself ready to get out of here.

I called my "prayer partner" from church last night and told her that I would likely not be there this morning. This is the first time since March last year that I have missed my Thursday morning prayer. And this morning as I slept until 7 o'clock, I was really glad I allowed myself that time for sleep. Now, I did miss the time praying, and I will try to make up for it somehow this weekend.

I had a very quiet day yesterday and I needed that. I think I needed a quiet day more than a sick day. That was probably why I was sick. I am also extremely tired. Even now, with all the sleep that I got yesterday, I still wish I could go back to bed.

But I won't. I will go do what I am supposed to be doing. Because I have learned in AA that no matter what is going on, and no matter how much doubt or lack of motivation I may have, just doing the next right thing is usually the right thing to do.

I will be grateful that I have a place to go and things to do.  Meaningful things to do and people who actually care about me.  What could be better?

Mittwock

Yesterday I had the best day at work I have had for a very long time. The consultant and I were kindred souls, and we had a great time. She was able to go tell people several layers above me in the organizational structure things I have been telling them - and they were not believing. She also told them I was a "gem." Yahoo! Someone came to me late in the day and wanted to talk about how I was "vindicated." Well, I am not going there. Vindication is generally short lived in my experience. I will just be happy that I had a nice day yesterday and maybe I have gained some credibility that I should have had in the first place.

Late yesterday I developed a stomach ache, and I still have it, so I am not going to work today. This is the first time in a very long time that I have had the ability to take a day off and be sick. My bed is heating up for me right now (I have a heated mattress pad which is heavenly). I hope to sleep most of the day away. I am very very tired.

I did go meet my sponsee at the 6:30 meeting. We talked after the meeting. She is diligently working on her 4th step. God bless her.

My daughter is at the nice boyfriend's house for now. Her ex-husband calls me every day to check in. Her boyfriend calls me most days. She calls me most days. Her bad boyfriend got arrested the other night - while "visiting" another woman. My daughter is mad and hurt, and everyone is delighted that the bad boyfriend is out of the picture for now - and should be away for a very long time. Daughter is planning on attending an NA meeting with her ex-husband today. All I can do is pray and answer the phone when it rings.

And go to bed now. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Tuesday

Man, I am just tired. I had a bit of a meltdown at work yesterday. The nearly intolerable level of stress at work has gone on since November, and I am just really, really tired of it. The stress of the decimation of my daughter's life is an ever present sadness and worry. I am physically tired from running a race on Sunday for which I was not fully trained.

I went to a meeting yesterday on my way to work and the topic was taking psychotropic meds. Things sure have changed since 1984 when I got sober. Back then, the general consensus in AA was that you should avoid any medication that was "mood altering". Well, that was probably a bit rigid. I think about that when I take my estrogen tablet daily - that is one of the most mood altering chemicals I have ever used, but I am not likely to stop. But I digress.... In 2008, at a meeting on April 6, the consensus was "take 'em if you need 'em." Generally, I agree. BUT, if you are newly sober, how do you know you really need them? Isn't the process of hitting an alcoholic bottom and then making the gigantic leap into sobriety enough to make anyone a little bit nuts?

Can we not tolerate even a few moments of feeling bad? Isn't it kind of necessary for growth?

This is coming from a woman who has suffered from Major Depression. I have taken medications for this. I do not take any currently, thank God. I waited until I was sober 10 years before taking medication, and although that may sound extreme, I am glad I did.

I better get ready for work. If there was any way to get away with it, I would call in sick... but I can't. There is a consultant coming in today and I have to spend the day with her. I really, really, really don't want to do this.

Monday April 7

Yesterday I faced a fear and lived through it. I finished the half-marathon dead last. Last. The last one across the finish line. By several minutes. I felt so great I ran too fast for the first 9 miles. At nine miles, the pain started. It got worse and worse. I was barely able to walk in the last 2 miles. I finished too sick to even eat the burgers and brats that were provided at the post-race party! I was so sick to my stomach I purchased some saltines on my way home and that is what I had for lunch before I took a long bath and a short nap. And do you know what? I feel great about that race. I am glad I was last because I have always feared that... it was fine. The pain was not fine, but the finishing last was fine.

Today I am looking forward to the day. I am also looking forward to continuing to run and to train for a marathon. I learned some important things yesterday.

Isn't this what we alcoholics do? We plunder through life, making horrible mistakes and messes - and we learn from them and turn them to good use... helping countless others with lessons learned.

Sunday Morning

There was a bombing at the start of a Marathon in Sri Lanka this morning. I hope there won't be one at the start of my half-marathon this morning. Although I could get out of running 13.1 miles if there was some sort of catastrophe. But I don't WANT to get out of running 13.1 miles, do I? No. I don't.

I went to a social event of my AA group last night. It was very nice. I probably ate too much and not too nutritiously for a night before a race. I have been feeling sort of alienated from a large part of that group lately. It was nice to sit next to my friend H., and talk to my friend R. (who reads my blog!) and share stories, jokes, and food.

I hope I get some energy before this race. Right now it is 25º and I cannot imagine that I am going to be sweating in a few hours. It is so hard to dress appropriately for a race.

Let's all stay sober today, OK?

p.s. Scott, on a Mac, "alt0" makes a degree sign. "Alt0186" makes this: º¡•§

What a difference a week makes

Yesterday afternoon I decided to go buy the new computer I have wanted for years.  I plugged it in - but could not get internet access.  Thankfully, I decided to not worry about it and just let it be.  This morning I woke up with an intuitive thought - and it worked.  I now have internet access on this little baby.  On Monday I will get a wireless router (whatever!) and will have wireless internet access at home.  How fun!

After the 6:30 meeting this morning, I will drive across town to register for a half marathon tomorrow.  A friend and I will run this 13.1 miles.  I am really looking forward to it.  

I spoke with my daughter yesterday.  She sounds clean and sober - which means for the moment that she sounds devastated and sad.  She is incredibly sorrowful, which is entirely appropriate.  She has now lost nearly everything.  She has lost custody of her children, and there is even a restraining order so that she cannot see them.  Her car is impounded.  She lost her house a couple of years ago...  but she still has places to go.  She is staying with her nice former boyfriend and waiting to get into rehab (again).  I have hope for her, but I don't think a loving mother ever loses hope for her children.  Especially not my beloved Meggie.   

I am grateful it is this Saturday morning and not last Saturday morning. 

Thank God for hope, because sometimes it is all we have to get us through.  

I am full of hope this morning.  And gratitude.  

40 Years Ago

Martin Luther King was shot and killed in Memphis. Most of you were not alive, or if alive, so young that you don't remember this. I was 16 years old. I had just dropped out of high school on April 1. My life was utter and complete chaos. And the United States was utter and complete chaos.

Last night I watched a CNN show about MLK's death. There was a shock of recognition and memory when they showed the cities burning after his death. I flew to Ohio from Chicago in that time. From the air you could see the smoke that signaled a city on fire, and there were many of them. It was horrifying. And then only a few weeks later Robert Kennedy was killed. I thought the world was ending. The fact that I was drinking every day and using whatever drug crossed my path probably had something to do with that.

At work yesterday I attended a pandemic tabletop exercise. It was sobering. The possibility of a pandemic flu is apparently not a question of "if," but of "when." The facilitator of the exercise talked about the Hong Kong Flu of 1968 - and I remembered it - because I had it. I remember how very sick I was. It was weird to realize then that I am older than most everybody with whom I work.

OK! Enough of that morbidity!

I am considering registering for a half-marathon on Sunday. A friend asked me if I want to do it. I just might.

My daughter finally made it to a safe place last night. I pray she can stay there.

Have a nice sober Friday everyone.

Rainy Thursday Morning

The picture is from my run on Saturday. Right before I got the migraine.

I went to the doc yesterday and we reviewed my medical record. The last time I was treated for a migraine was in 1999. Well, I didn't realize that. I thought there was nothing that would help my migraines because there wasn't in 1999. I failed to realize that 9 years is a long time in medical science. Yesterday I was prescribed a medication (a vasoconstrictor) that you put on your tongue, it dissolves, and so does your migraine. After 5 days of misery, I was rid of the pain in about 20 minutes. Thank you Maxalt. And then I got a little bit mad about the $30. copay and the $30. prescription. But that's life, isn't it? Thank God I am rid of that headache and I have a little container in my purse with an emergency dosage of this drug. So, the days of my 3, 4, and 5 day migraines should be history.

It's snowing and raining this morning. The drive to church at 4:45 a.m. was beautiful. My church was beautiful in the rain/snow mix. It was beautiful to sit for an hour in perfect silence, and pray. I lit a candle for my daughter and prayed.

I am still feeling a bit fragile as a result of the headache. I am going to go back to bed now for an hour, and then I will go to work. I am so grateful to be able to do these things.

Damn Headache

It went away for a few hours yesterday, but is back with a vengeance this morning. I will go to the doctor today, I cannot live like this.

I am meeting a sponsee at a 6:30 meeting and then we will review what she has written so far on her 4th step. God bless her. I think the 4th step is really where a person can have live altering perceptions... but it doesn't always happen. I pray it does for her as it has for me.

I went and looked at a Mac Book last night. When it came time to say "yes," I just couldn't do it. This is so unlike me. To walk away from a store, empty-handed, when I came there to buy something is not something I have done very often. I just didn't feel right about spending $1,600. for a computer last night. I think I will go look at a regular laptop and see how I feel about that. I know I want a laptop, because I want to take it to Alaska with me.

OK, that just makes my head hurt worse, and it is already so bad that I think I may vomit. This is definitely not fun.

Daughter update: She called both her exes yesterday and sounded like she was serious about getting to an NA meeting and detox, but then she disappeared again. I will get an update this morning I am sure. She is standing right on the edge, and I know that not all who lean this way or that end up in that direction. We don't all survive. And that doesn't mean God doesn't love us and care for us. I pray, I pray, I pray.

First Day of April '08

It seems my thermometer is playing a joke on me - it says it is only 15º outside. Well, I am not likely to run in 15º weather - even in the dead of winter, much less on April 1st.

What's that you say? A thermometer is incapable of humor? A thermometer is unable to play a joke? That it is really and truly 15º?

I am not running this morning in this kind of cold weather. I still don't feel really well anyway, so it doesn't exactly break my heart. My head has little remnants of migraine running around, but not the bone crushing pain I was in yesterday, thank God. I woke up at 3:30 and thought I would take some exedrin and go back to bed. I still hope to get back to bed by 5 and get back up by 6. I have a full day at work and I hope to feel pretty good.

My daughter has not returned my phone calls, but I got reports all day long from her ex-husband and her ex-boyfriend. She did go to a funeral of another young lady from NA who used and died. Then she vanished again.

I will just pray and try to live MY life to the best of my ability today. I would prefer to be happy, so I think I just will be today.

3rd day of a migraine

It started on Saturday afternoon. I hope this will be the last day of it. Part of me wishes I could stay home today, but a larger part is glad I have a place to go where I have things to do and people to see. Maybe I will forget this head while there.

Yesterday my daughter walked away from the hospital. Her 72 hour hold was up and they let her go. She is clearly a danger to her self, a danger to others, and gravely disabled... but she does not have insurance. I have an opinion about this. Oh yes, I do. I am so grateful that I work at a non-profit where clinical decisions are NEVER based on ability to pay. I could not work at a healthcare facility where they let a woman who is out of her mind walk away in summer apparel, without a coat, on a snowy day. Walk away. As in, no car, no money, no one would pick her up - thinking that they would not let her go if she had no where to go and no way to get there - but we were all wrong.

I am now going to get into the bathtub and take a nice hot bath. I am going to fix myself a cup of coffee for the road - and it is good coffee. I am packing my breakfast of yogurt and strawberries - I will eat it later at my desk. I will enjoy these things. I am breaking it into teensy steps today. The big picture is too big for me.

Syd tagged me to do this. It seems like kind of a nice break from the heaviness of the last week, so here goes:

What I was doing:

10 years ago -- I was working where I still work, but in a different department. I was going to school full-time as well as working full-time. I was sober 13 years. I was just beginning to look for a house to buy. I was living in a 100 year old rental house in a very fashionable neighborhood in north Denver, but was beginning to find it tiresome. I was in mourning for my two best friends who had moved away (one to England and one to San Francisco) the year before.

5 years ago-- I was working at my current job... two promotions from the five years earlier. I had finished my bachelors and masters degrees. I was 18 years sober - I was happy to be "even" - I was sober as many years as I drank. I was seeing a man I absolutely adored. We were planning on getting married, but he kept getting drunk.

1 year ago--Still working at the same place. My son was in Iraq and I was going to many meetings and sponsoring 7 women (which is insane!) I was very busy, never had a moment to myself. Sober 22 years and very grateful to be able to get through a very difficult time without going totally insane. Training for my first half-marathon, and 4th triathlon.

Yesterday--Went to an AA meeting, talked to a bunch of friends. Made a plan for a party after the trip to Alaska - a fish fry with the fish I am planning on catching and bringing home. Went to a nearby park to run 12 miles, but ran only 5 because I was feeling not really great. Went to visit my daughter at the chemical dependency unit at a local hospital. Came home and watched a movie and cut up crepe paper for a special project at work.

5 snacks I enjoy
1) popcorn - cooked on the stove, in a pan.
2) ice cream bars
3) bananas
4) shredded wheat - those big honkin' things
5) gu

5 books I like
1) The Holy Bible (I used to think people were full of s*** when they wrote this, but now I understand)
2) Alcoholics Anonymous
3) Lonesome Dove
4) Kitchen God's Wife
5) Covenant

What I would do with 100 million dollars
1) Quit my job
2) Pay off the mortgage on the house and the rest of my bills
3) Get a volunteer "job"
4) Support more people in lands where a $30. a month contribution changes lives
5) Travel

5 places I'd love to visit
1) Rome
2) Greece
3) Ireland
4) Israel
5) Alaska - oh! I am already going there!

5 bad habits and pet peeves I have

Pet Peeves
1) poor grammar
2) stupid arrogance
3) rigidity
4) politicians who clothe their bad intentions in good looking ones
5) snow in late March - oh! look out the window!

Bad Habits
1) packing too much into every day
2) never doing "nothing"
3) using my cell phone in the car and even while shopping - sorry everyone.
4) eating two meals a day at my desk at work
5) picking on people's grammar, even if silently.

5 things I like doing
1) Running
2) going to church
3) driving on a sunny day
4) knitting
5) seeing the smiles on my granddaughters faces when they see me!

5 things I would never wear
1) capris - I just hate them!
2) tons of make-up
3) cologne to work
4) cheap clothing - sorry, I am crazy about nice clothes
5) plastic shoes or purses

5 TV shows I like
1) This Week with George Stephanopolis (In my mind it is still David Brinkley)
2) Larry King Live
3) House (doesn't that cute Hugh Laurie look like our Daave?)
4) American Idol - I admit it!
5) Country Music Television - I admit that too!

5 movies I like
I cannot think of 5 movies I like enough to write down...

5 famous people I'd like to meet
1) Lindsey Lohan - I would love to be her sponsor
2) Thomas Merton
3) Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
4) Joni Mitchell
5) Pope John Paul II

I'm going to be late for church if I don't stop now. I am supposed to tag others, but I don't know who has done this and not.

Saturday Morning, 12 miles

This morning I went to a meeting and stayed for an hour afterward talking. The talking was so nice. I have a friend who is one day younger than I am and sober 14 years. I really treasure our friendship. We were talking about age, not only in date of birth kind of years, but also in date of sobriety kind of years. We get set apart and are no longer one of the "girls." I never particularly wanted to be one of the "girls," but I never like to feel excluded either. Another woman piped in and said "I have always looked up to you!" I told her that was my point exactly. I am not sure she understood what I meant.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad there are people who admire me. That is very nice. But I don't feel really admirable today. I feel really worn out. It would be nice to just be one of the gang instead of set apart. I am not really complaining - it probably sounds like I am, but I am not. I am just tired after having been up most of the night with a horrible stomach ache last night. At one point I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance, but thank God I was able to go back to bed and get the pain to calm down and get the cold sweats to go away. Today I am fine, just tired.

I am going to go to a nearby park and run 12 miles. Then I can come back home and go back to sleep. I am looking forward to the 12 miles of sanity. It is amazing what happens to your thinking as you get into the rhythm of a long run.

I have no update on my daughter because I didn't talk to her all day yesterday. She hasn't called me. I heard from plenty of people who had heard from her yesterday and she is sitting at a nice psych/substance abuse hospital, running the whole world. Calling people telling them what to do, what's wrong with them, etc. I don't have time for that nonsense. Besides, she has plenty of folks who will indulge her, she doesn't need one more. I had really hoped that being locked up for a few days without meth would do her some good. Prayers, Prayers, Prayers.

Friday Morning

"Two men look through the self same bars, one sees the mud, and one sees the stars."

I had to memorize that in high school. I just looked for it online so that I could cite the author. I can't even find the exact quote. But it is as I recall it. So, I am going to tell you what wonderful things happened yesterday, although it really was pretty dreadful. I do this not to delude myself, but because I must find the small nugget of good to take away from situations. I must do this.

Instead of driving my daughter to court for a custody hearing where she would have heard herself be utterly rubbished, my daughter's friend drove her to a hospital, where they admitted her. They put her on a 72º hold - sorry, can't help but use that degree sign wherever possible - the degree sign is a medical abbreviation for "hour." My daughter is on a 72 hour mental health hold. She is totally out of control. Her former husband called it "amphetamine psychosis," and although I don't usually put much credence in what he says, this time I think he nailed it.

When she called me demanding that I come and pick her up immediately, I calmly told her that I had many things to do and wouldn't be able to pick her up. She got angry and hung up on me. And wouldn't take a call from me later in the day. And I tell you honestly I have never been so happy to have someone refuse to talk to me.

When I decided that I needed to tell my boss what was going on, he surprised me. No matter what I have ever thought of him, and I have thought plenty of things about him, yesterday that changed. When I said my daughter was on a hold, his entire demeanor changed, he very kindly told me how sorry he was. He asked me if I needed to take time off. I told him I had too many things to do, and he just told me not to worry about it, to take all the time I needed. I can't adequately convey what this means to me. Not just the ability to take some time off if I need, but his showing care and concern.

I did come home from work because all I was doing was sitting in my office talking on my cell phone. I had a long conversation with my former husband, now the custodial guardian of my grandchildren. I offered my support to him. He doesn't really need me right now, because my other two children are really going all out to help him. How good does that make me feel? Very. Very. Very.

My sponsor, whose daughter is serving a life sentence for murder, could offer me support like no one else possibly could. My friend Larry called and told me how he had to throw his 40 year old son out of his house and call the police the night before because his son was crazy on meth.

I went to an AA meeting and sat and listened to the newcomers - seeing the light come on in their eyes gave me fresh hope. A man with 8 days of sobriety said "it gets better every day." A drunk lady interrupted and said "really? every day?" and he answered her "yes, every day."

And then, I went to a beauty super store and got new nail polish! I soaked my feet while I was talking on the phone for an hour or so... then I gave myself a pedicure.

I am running super late for work now, but I am going to go out and take a quick 2 mile run, and then I will throw on some "casual Friday" duds and get to work.

Thanks for reading this long ass thing, and thanks for your prayers and concern.

Update

Thank you for your kind comments.

My daughter did not wake up in time to get to her appointment at the treatment center yesterday. There is a lot more drama involved with this. Drama sounds trivial. Drama sounds like someone who didn't get the shoes she wanted. This is real life drama. Today they will all be in court for a custody hearing. I advised both of my daughters not to go. But I am not the lawyer in the family. Maybe if there wasn't a lawyer in the family things wouldn't get this ugly.

I went to church this morning and lit candles and cried. There is something so soothing about crying in church. Unlike in the rest of the world, in church I have not once ever had anyone ask me "are you OK?" "What's wrong?" or even "can I get you a kleenex?" I just get to cry in peace. And these were the first tears I have shed over this situation.


"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.' That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep and abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe." - July 16 reading from Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Wednesday

The family stuff was gruesome yesterday. I thank God I have a couple of years of sober living as experience to draw on. I also thank God that I have some experience with alcoholics, addicts, criminals, drug dealers, liars, and other varieties of shady characters. So while my ex was calling the police, grasping at straws for where my daughter might be, I was working "underground," calling people whose phone numbers I have kept, just in case. Yesterday was a "just in case" kind of day. I was able to connect with someone who was able to connect with the people my daughter was relying upon to get her a lethal dose of heroin.

Yesterday she had a vision of her future as a "snaggle-toothed old strung-out trailer trash" and decided she didn't want to face it. Can't say that I blame her. I got to talk with her late last night - and told her that only she and God can determine what her future will be.

The plan is for her to enter rehab this morning at 8:00. Please Dear God.

March 25, 2008

There is a fellow I know (an AA member) who likes to say "I don't have no bad days today." And then he loudly proclaims "I ain't mad at nobody today." He is frowning as he says these things, and he seems to direct them "at" people. I have heard him yell at a group of folks, then step into a meeting and say he "ain't mad at nobody today."

Now, it is not up to me to figure out what is wrong with him. But I feel there is a lesson to be learned there.

I do not have a set speech that I recite at an AA meeting. I do not have a set thing that I write every day. I am not the same every day. I am a person living life - and doing it sober - and some days are a little bit more challenging than others. I share these things at my own peril. I get criticized. I get condescending advice from people who have no clue what I am even talking about. I get AA slogans quoted at me.. which cracks me up. Oh well. I am not going to stop sharing what is honestly in my heart because of this.

Today the good news is that my granddaughters are safe. They are being cared for by their grandfather, my ex-husband. Their mother (my daughter) and father have been served papers and I don't understand all the legalities, but they are losing custody of those girls. And they should. But to hear my daughter crying on the phone yesterday was heart-breaking. She even admitted that what hurts the most is that she knows that they are better where they are. According to her (and you know how much you should trust the word of a meth addict) she is going into rehab tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. Oh, please, Dear God, let her get into rehab. Keep her safe for a day or two. Let her head clear up enough to realize what she needs to do.

And for now, it is dawn, there is a full moon hanging large over the mountains, and it is over 30º outside. I will strap on my running shoes and get out there.

Easter Monday

It is a day. I got 10 hours of sleep last night - after not sleeping well for almost a week. I wish I could take a day off work. I am still utterly exhausted.

There is a lot going on in my family. I am not even going to write about it.

I talked with my sister for a long time last night on the phone. We talked about how much work these family dinners are getting to be. Somehow they didn't used to be. But we both agreed that we are so very grateful that our families are in our lives and that we provide the stability of being "mom" and "grandma" to our children and grandchildren. That our homes are stable and you can count on us. Our houses are pretty much the same every time you visit. There is always food in the frig, and we are always willing to put on our aprons and cook a meal. It is a good thing.

This morning though, I wish you could count on me to sit on a beach somewhere. I wish you could count on me to read an 800 pg. novel today. I wish you could count on me to get a manicure, pedicure, and massage today. I wish you could count on me to take a nap all afternoon.

However, you CAN count on me to get to work at a reasonable hour. You CAN count on me to work all day. You CAN count on me to talk to one or more of my sponsees by phone today. You CAN count on me to get to my class tonight.

I am grateful that I can do the things that aren't so much fun today. I will try to see if I can't schedule a day off somewhere in the next couple of weeks.