Fellowship

I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It has been a great couple of days with my sponsor and her husband being here. Went out for dinner after the meeting on Thursday. It is glorious to sit with my sponsee and my sponsor and know that all is well - I just fit somewhere in the mix, neither the top of the pile or the bottom. Just a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Yesterday when I got home from work, Maureen and Tony and Peter were here. For someone who has lived alone for a long time, this is a pretty neat experience. We went out for chinese and sat in the restaurant and talked and laughed and it was just so normal and so fun.

Sitting next to a man was so nice, I really thought about the fact that I have not been on a date for very close to a year. It was the first weekend in May last year - and I went to church with a man! That was our first and only date.

My last serious relationship was such a disastrous fiasco I am really scared. And this isn't even the drunken cowboy who I still love so much. After him there was a man who seemed to be perfect. He was 15 years sober (I had 20 at that time), he was very active in AA, and very spiritual. Very handsome. Very tall. Had a masters degree (just like me!) And we fell madly in love. We had the approval of our groups, our friends and our sponsors. Within 2 months, I had a diamond ring on my left hand. It only stayed there for 6 days. Six days. In Six Days he turned into a lunatic. Screaming at me. Acting insane. Told me the TV was talking to him, etc. I RAN FOR MY LIFE. And I no longer trust my judgment.

It might be time to come out of my self-induced seclusion. I will be praying about this. I want only God's will. Really. It was just so nice to sit next to Peter at the restaurant last night, it really made me think.

Gosh, this post sure isn't what I intended for it to be. Once again, on the weekend, low readership... probably a good thing to spill my guts over the weekend.

Friday!

It's Friday Morning. The birds are singing. My sponsor and her husband are asleep downstairs. Life is good.

HNT

Baby Feet. My granddaughters on a warm spring evening, playing on their swingset. And here comes Nana, "let me take a picture of your feet!" They were kind enough to pause their play, and pose their feet for their Nana.

My sponsor and her husband are coming today! They are staying here! I am so excited. It is sad that they are coming for Peter's Dad's funeral, but good that they are coming. It will be so good to see my sponsor. We are going to my homegroup tonight and then out for pizza. Yay. Just like the good old days!

200th Post

This is my 200th post. I started this blog in September 2005. I thought it was probably temporary. I wanted to talk to another blogger about being an alcoholic and I didn't want that on my other blog. So I started this one. The conversation with the other blogger quickly dried up, and I was left with this blog and didn't do much with it other than post once or twice a week. On November 28, Ms. Trudging found me and the rest is history. To be welcomed into this fold of sober bloggers has been really an amazing thing. I can't begin to say how grateful I am.

My friend Peter's dad died yesterday. Peter is the other shadow on my profile picture. I called him yesterday and we talked for a while. We were both crying. Sharing about our dads and their deaths. Say a prayer for him if you have a minute, OK? Thanks.

Wow. Writing this, I decided to look for something from "As Bill Sees It" - I have my father's copy... only his is called "the AA Way of Life" because that is what it used to be called. Somehow in all the years since my dad's death, I have never seen something that is tucked in the pages of this book. Wow. It is just a nice something clipped out of the New York Times... on the other side is an article about President Nixon's landmark welfare reform plan. I feel that I have just touched my dad.

Tuesday AM

Update #1: I owed about half as much on my taxes as I thought. I forgot about adding in my state taxes on my itemized deductions. So, I wrote the check and thanked God that I could.

Update #2: I spoke with my neighbors about the UMOs (unidentified mammiliam objects) on my trail yesterday and we agreed they were most likely elk. I didn't think there were elk so close to the city, but I have been told elk have been spotted around here before. They are BIG.

This morning it is windy and I don't feel like dealing with it (and I am probably a bit traumatized from yesterday's run), so I am going swimming after work. The triathlon is less than 4 months away and I am not where I want to be in my training. But I will get there.

I am trying to plan a trip to Savannah, Georgia in June. Two of my brothers' birthdays are on June 23. One of them is having a collective birthday party for all three of my brothers, and my nephew. I hate to be ungracious (I will anyway) but I hate to spend this kind of money for a weekend trip. I could have taken a friggin' cruise for what this trip is going to cost me. However, when my oldest brother is 68, the other ones are 67, and 65 - and my sister is 60 - I better go. And I will stop complaining about it - honest, I will. Really. I will stop talking about the astronomical airfare and the expensive hotel room and the other ridiculous amounts of money. Really. And I won't begrudge buying them all presents. I will be gracious and generous and uncomplaining. Really I will.

Tax Day

I need to do my taxes over my lunch break. Procrastinater? Me? Well, I have to pay and I didn't want to, so I waited until the last possible moment. I actually figured them out about a month ago, but I don't have it all wrapped up and ready to go... particularly the writing the check part. I will do it today.

Had a great run this morning, but about 2 miles into it, I looked ahead and saw 2 very large mammals in my path. YIKES. I don't even know what the heck they were, but they were big and they had horns. I ran off my trail and onto the road so that I would be visible to more people should I be attacked by some unknown beast - and I turned around. So what should have been a 3 mile course turned into a 4 mile course. I didn't run the whole thing, so this took a long dang time. Now it is after 8, and I am sitting here with wet hair and no make-up, and blogging. I better kick it in the butt and get out of here!

Happy Easter

Look at the PINK TULIPS that managed to bloom this morning! What a wonderful gift.

I am so grateful that I am alive and sober and able to be a part of a community and family today. By the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Rainy Saturday Morning

Oh, the beautiful aroma coming through my window! Wafting through the lace curtains is the smell of rain falling. I love the spring. I will spend today getting ready for my family to have Easter dinner here tomorrow. This is my idea of heaven.

"Who can render an account of all the miseries that once were ours, and who can estimate the release and joy that the later years have brought to us? Who can possibly tell the vast consequences of what God's work through A.A. has already set in motion?

And who can penetrate the deeper mystery of our wholesale deliverance from slavery, a bondage to a most hopeless and fatal obsession which for centuries possessed the minds and bodies of men and women like ourselves?" - As Bill Sees It, p. 163

The Painters are Here!

I am having the trim on my house painted today. This is so freaking exciting. I have lived in this house for almost 5 years. About 6 months after I moved in I realized that the paint around the windows was a little shabby. Obviously, it has not gotten better in 5 years.

Having been a renter most of my life, I have a hard time coughing up money to do stuff to my house. It seems to me that as long as I make my mortgage payment, all that other stuff should just somehow magically take care of itself. I decided that this year I have to do some stuff to my house, and the trim painting is the first thing.

I took today off work. Having gone to Catholic Schools for most of my 18 years of formal education, it just doesn't seem right to me to work on this day, so I usually don't. So, here I sit, lady of leisure, eating my special K, having just taken my shower, after my morning run... planning my day around my painters. This is cool.

You may wonder why this is such a big deal to me... let me tell you. At about 4 and a half years of sobriety, I had a meltdown. I ended up without my job, without my home, without my kids, without much of anything... except for my sobriety. Which I ultimately realized was EVERYTHING. All that other stuff I was so invested in was really secondary to my sobriety. Anyway, I spent the next five years kicking around, never living anywhere for longer than 6 months at a time, never being gainfully employed. Never having any stability. I think I needed to do that, (especially how involved I got in AA at that time) but I also think it gave me a greater appreciation of the "things" that sobriety brings.

I do appreciate the material things, but I do not let them rule me. I like my house, but if I needed to go, I could go. I like my car - probably a little bit too much. I like my job most of the time, but it doesn't define who I am.

The real gifts are intangible. Peace of mind in the midst of turmoil. Love for the unlovable. Joy at tiny moments. Ability to turn our most painful and tragic experiences into something that helps another. Etc., Etc.

fAAvorite skirt

I love this skirt. It is silk and feels so feminine and pretty.

Wednesday Evening

I have been feeling sick! I got home yesterday and wrote my little post and laid down on the couch, covered myself with a wool afghan and still shivered. This morning I didn't think I could get up, but I had stuff I had to do at work today, so I took some motrin and went back to bed, and managed to get up and get to work just a bit late.

Right now I feel better than I have in a day and a half. I am confident that I will be fine again tomorrow. (I hope.)

Whenever I get sick I can't help but reflect on all the times I was deathly ill from drinking. The thought of an 18 year old me, pretty little girl, puking her guts out, shitting at the same time with disastrous results, laying in bed shaking shaking and shaking... all the time thinking "next time I won't drink so much." Next time. Next time. I tried to get it right the next time for years and years. I might as well have been standing in front of a freight train - asserting my control over it. The disease of alcoholism is more powerful than a locomotive!

Southern Colorado

I took a trip to a certain small city in Southern Colorado today. Anyone who has been to this city would probably not be anxious to go back or to see pictures. But I was armed with my camera and took pictures... which I will, of course, post on my photo blog. It made the day more interesting. I have never ever stopped to take a picture of Pikes Peak, but I did today to share with my sober blogging buddies.

I only need to take this trip for work about once a year. I am overly, overly, overly attached to my job being approximately 11 minutes from my home to my desk. An easy bike ride. An easy bus ride if I feel like it. It is comfortable.

Today while driving, I recalled many drunken trips between Denver and Raton, New Mexico where I lived for 6 years. It is funny, I could recall, almost feel and taste that kind of headachey buzz from starting to drink WAY too early in the day, and trying to do something like drive to and from the airport. Funny the memories that come. I am grateful that today I am a sober woman, gainfully employed, and a productive member of society.

Grrrr...

I am going to post now. Probably shouldn't. I am feeling put-upon. Put out. Used. It is all bullshit of course. I work for a living. The key word there is WORK. It is not supposed to be "play". It is supposed to be work and that is why they pay me for it.

I got to work early this morning and then had to stay late, which isn't all that unusual, but didn't sit well with me today. Then it dawned on me that I need to be AT work by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow to get into a crappy car and drive 120 miles to where I need to be by 8:30 a.m.

Just writing this makes me want to erase it. It wasn't that long ago that I was so grateful to just be gainfully employed. I would have gladly welcomed a trip to a city 120 miles away. And would have relished a ride in an automobile with insurance and a valid registration!

It just takes looking at it from a different perspective. I just talked about this with my sponsee (she was surprised to hear me being this pissy - thank God it is unusual enough for her to be surprised) and my neighbors and I didn't see it from another perspective. But writing it down does it for me. That is why I do a WRITTEN 10th Step inventory. It is different to write it down.

Speaking of which, I better get ready to end my day, and write my 10th step inventory, and get myself to bed so that I can be up at 4:00 a.m.

Back to Work

Another week begins. I am hopeful it will be better than last week. Last week was very difficult. But I am making progress. I am getting used to my son not being around. He called yesterday and sounds good. I am now used to not having my cat. My sponsor and her husband will be coming and staying here for a weekend later on this month.

I took a bike ride with my problem child yesterday. It was so good to see the sunshine in her blonde hair and see her smile the simple smile of being out in the fresh air and doing something physical. I gave her my old mountain bike and she was thrilled with it. We decided to color Easter eggs later on this week. It will be an excuse for me to come over and see my precious grandbabies. They will be here for Easter which will be wonderful.

Palm Sunday

I am heading over to my daughter's house to color Easter eggs with the grandkids. This should be fun. We are also taking a bike ride. I put on my bike riding outfit for warm weather (it is 70 degrees outside) and what a shock to see what the winter has done to my body! Oh dear. I did take a run this morning and will take a bike ride this afternoon, but I don't think there is an exercise on earth that will undo the kind of eating I have been doing lately. Must Stop That!

pictures

of my saturday morning at my photo blog.

Saturday April 8

I woke this morning and wanted to get out of bed for the first time in 2 weeks. Let me be quick to add that I have been getting out of bed and getting on with my life even though I didn't want to. But this morning I woke up the way I usually do. I woke up thinking about all that I WANT to do. Not all that I need to do, or have to do, but what I WANT to do.

It is almost light outside. I think I can get a decent run in before I get back home and just spruce up a touch and drive across town to get to the Morning After group.

Maybe I will drag my camera around with me today and take some pictures to update my photo blog... I can't even tell whether it is sunny or cloudy yet today. It is only 32 degrees, I do know that. But once you get running, 32 can feel pretty hot.

Rainy Friday Morning

It is pouring rain outside. That is a very good thing. I can see my grass greening up before my very eyes. And my pregnant tree in the front yard looks like she is about to give birth to about a million little leaves.

I was up for a while in the night and then slept too late this morning. So, it is almost 7:30 a.m., I should be leaving for work, and I am sitting here at my computer - gazing at the rain - in my jammies. I must get going.

" When trouble comes, do not say: "Why should this happen to me?" Leave yourself out of the picture. Think of other people and their troubles and you will forget about your own. Gradually, get away from yourself and you will know the consolation of unselfish service to others. After a while, it will not matter so much what happens to you. It is not so important any more, except as your experience can be used to help others who are in the same kind of trouble." Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

hAAppy socks!

I did have a hAAppy run this morning. It is a beautiful morning. 40 degrees and sunny. The birds are singing and some flowers are in bloom. The trees are heavy with buds - which always reminds me of being pregnant.

Yesterday was a better day. But when I did my 10th step inventory last night, I found that I had indulged in some gossip that I do not feel good about. I will need to nip that in the BUD!

I spoke with my ex-husband last night for 2 hours on the phone. He is in Los Angeles (his home is in Thailand) and would like very much if I would come to visit him for a weekend. Oh dear.

I pray that today will continue to be better.

"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." As Bill Sees It, p. 3

bigskymAAck

My dear friend has just started a recovery blog. I have known him since I got sober. He helped me immensely in my first 5 or 6 years of sobriety - before he moved away. Oh, I am so excited! Please take a second to visit my friend.

Trudging's Sobriety Date

Today is Trudging's 16th Birthday!

We just keep coming back - no matter what.

I remember when I was new people used to say "Just don't drink, even when your ass falls off, just don't drink." I thought that was a bunch of crap. Who ever heard of a person's ass falling off??? Well, when my ass fell off, I gathered it up with me and took it to a meeting.

Last night I slept with the heat off and the window open just a touch. I woke to the song of birds. That is a good thing. I am hopeful that today will be better than yesterday. I am going to put my bike rack on my car and ride home from work tonight. I am still a bit afraid of going downhill (after a bike accident last August) - the ride TO work is mostly downhill. The ride home is mostly UPhill. So, that will be good.

Priveleged to Communicate

"Everyone must agree that we A.A.'s are unbelievably fortunate people; fortunate that we have suffered so much; fortunate that we can know, understand, and love each other so suprememly well.

These attributes and virtues are scarecely of the earned variety. Indeed, most of us are well aware that these are rare gifts which have their true origin in our kinship born of a common suffereing and a common deliverance by the grace of God.

Thereby we are privileged to communicate with each other to a degree and in a manner not very often surpassed among our nonalcoholic friends in the world around us." - As Bill Sees It, p. 231

I am really struggling. Having been sober for a little while (21 years, 8 months, 11 days - thank you God) I have experienced these times before. The good thing about this accumulated experience is that I know I will be OK. Really, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, don't pick up a drink, do pick up the phone, do pray everyday, try to turn my thoughts to others, and have faith that this will pass and that after it does I will have this experience to share with my wonderful fellows in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank God it's Monday

I get to go back to work this morning! I get to see people and talk to people! I get to do productive things! I get to answer my phone when it rings! I get to use the new purple, pink, and turquoise pens I bought this weekend! And, I have a lunch date with someone I am coaching in a leadership thing at work!

Today I am truly grateful for the structure that my job brings to my life.

Sunday Morning

Just thought I would add a spring-y picture for cheer.

I just got home from a meeting of the Morning After Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was my home group for years, and truth be told (which it always is eventually), it is more my home group than what I currently call my home group. It was good to be there.

Yesterday was just plain hard. I kept forgetting that my cat was no longer here. It is a sick feeling to realize she is gone. I went to the grocery store which is my habit on Saturday morning, and realized I am not calling my son to find out what he wants for dinner tomorrow. I was crying in the produce section of the grocery store - I miss him so much it hurts physically. When I went to Home Depot, I walked through the painting section and started crying there - my recently deceased friend Eddie was a painter and it just hit me that Eddie is gone when I walked by the painters caps, overalls, etc. It was just that kind of day.

But I can thank God that I am capable of feeling love and feeling loss as well as joy. I don't like feeling bad, but I can be grateful that I can feel bad without going off the deep end and getting drunk or needing to call the suicide hot line.

And more good news is that yesterday I thoroughly cleaned my house. It looks so nice. No more cat hair. I actually know how to replace screens, so I will be doing that on all my windows - the screens are all clawed up.... and today my daughter is going to come over and take me to Home Depot to get a new screen door - it will fit in her Blazer. Maybe I'll take her out for lunch. Maybe I'll take pictures of lunch!

April Fool

I no longer have a cat in my home. After driving from shelter to shelter yesterday morning, I finally got one to accept Minerva. It was a sad thing. I left the shelter crying like a little baby. And then went to work...

When I got home, my garage door wouldn't open. I tried every device, the one in my car, the keypad on the side of the door, and then finally, the switch inside the garage. To no avail. Thank God for my next door neighbor. She came over and diagnosed the problem. Part of the mechanism is broken. I should be able to get that fixed without getting a second mortgage.

I am also grateful that I no longer have the automatic reactions I used to have to everything. I did not sit in my car last night and think about drinking, suicide, homicide, or even scream "F*#&@!!!" at the top of my lungs. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Now I am going swimming. Have a great weekend everyone.

Sunny Friday Morning

And I am about to pack up my cat in her little carrier and take her to the Dumb Friends League. I am grateful that I have all the requisite papers, and that I could locate them without a problem. Certificates of vaccination and sterilization, etc.

I saw Janine last night. She looks fine, thank God. She agreed that Minerva needed to be out of here. A neighbor wanted to talk me out of this on Tuesday night. She came over to say hi to Minerva. They have been great buddies, this neighbor cat-sits when I take vacations. The cat hissed at her and took a chomp out of her hand. Once again, blood dripping all over the place, and my neighbor changed her mind. I woke up this morning and thought - I can be late for work. I can do this now. I am going to do this now.

Went to a great meeting last night. Had pizza with the smaller (after my sponsor moved) gang after the meeting. It is good to be sober. It is good to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. No matter what happens, life is good.

Lunch

Lunch is one of my favorite things. Going out for lunch with my daughter almost every day is something I never anticipated I would enjoy so very much. (We work in the same building.) We laugh so much. Over stupid things. Like see the bento above? I asked the waitress what the items in the lower left corner were. Well, you can understand why I didn't recognize such exotic food as "potatoes". Oh dear.

Happy Birthday Mike! 365 days without a drink is a long time. One entire orbit of the earth around the sun - without once picking up a drink! Keep coming back...

Looking Forward...

Pictures from last year's Triathlon. I am training to do my third triathlon in August. This is a happy, happy part of my life. One of my daughters completed the triathlon with me last summer. The other daughter came to cheer us on, and decided she wants to do it this year. We are all registered and we are planning our first bike ride together on Sunday. I need to focus on happy, happy parts of my life right now.

When I was drinking, I would run almost every morning. I would consider it getting rid of the "toxins" in my body. I also smoked 2 packs a day. I always said I was "gonna" do this race or that race, but somehow I never even registered for one single race. When I was sober almost 3 years, I registered and completed my first race, it was the 10K Bolder Boulder. As I ran to the finish line in Folsom Stadium, I wept huge tears of joy. I had actually done something I said I was going to do! I ran the entire race with a cigarrette and matches in my little pink running shorts pocket. I lit up after the race. I think it is illegal to light up anywhere in Boulder, Colorado these days, but this was back in the 80s. Finishing that race was a golden moment. I have done many races since then. In fact, there used to a be a little group of us who would leave the 7:30 a.m. meeting and run, and we would do races all over the state. It was really fun.

Update on Janine: She says she is fine. The worst scratch is under her eye. She says it is OK, not infected. When I called the vet, she recommended a pet behavioral specialist. I don't think so.

July 16 Thought for the Day

It is my favorite out of all the days of the "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" book. I need to read it this morning and I will share it with you:

"We can believe that God is in His heaven and that He has a purpose for our lives, which will eventually work out as long as we try to live the way we believe He wants us to live. It has been said that we should "wear the world like a loose garment." That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep, abiding faith that God will always take care of us. To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."

I am going out now to run. Yesterday morning I ran for the first time in 2 weeks. Update on the cat incident: I called Janine late last night and she said that on closer examination, her eyeball isn't actually scratched. Thank God for that. I just pray the other scratches heal without infection or complication. I also pray that I have the grace and strength to do what I need to do with my cat.

Cat Problem

My sponsee just left. She comes over most Monday nights and we read the big book. Tonight we were just talking. Out of nowhere, my cat attacked her. She scratched her eyeball, lower eyelid (the entire length of the eye), nose, and cheek. Janine had blood dripping off her face. Oh my God. I cannot have a cat that does stuff like this.

A little background. Minerva (the cat) was adopted by me on January 8, 2005. On April 23, 2005, she was in my backyard with me as I was painting the fence. She was on a harness and leash because there are wild animals around here that would enjoy a snack of kitten. Because I was painting the fence, the gate to my back yard was open, and the next thing I knew I heard a ruckus. A pit bull was in my back yard attacking this little defenseless kitten. I stood and screamed and threw things at the dog to no avail. I screamed so much that I lost my voice for over a week. My neighbor ran over and actually dragged the dog off my cat. Another neighbor came over and drove me and Minerva to the local vet. While another cadre of neighbors walked the dog around until they found his owner. (I love my neighbors.) My cat had some pretty serious injuries, and had to stay in the cat hospital for 3 days. The dog owner was very responsible and paid the bill and got rid of his dog.

However, my cat has never been right since then. I thought in time she would get more secure and be safer. But tonight I realized that she is not going to be OK. I cannot have a cat that will do something like this.

I am pretty freaked out about this. The sight of my sponsee with blood dripping from her face is something that I will not soon forget. I hope to God that those wounds heal without any infection.

I will call the vet tomorrow and get her advice as to where to go from here.

Please say a prayer for Janine if you can.

Thanks sober bloggers, you guys are the best.

New Blogger

Go visit Mike L. , Anonymous Biker - and new Sober Blogger.

Sunday Morning

I got up early this morning and headed out to a meeting and then to church. It was good to go to both. At the meeting, there was a woman who was celebrating 2 years of sobriety. Unfortunately, she has stopped going to meetings. There is definitely a difference between people who go to meetings and people who don't. (meeting makers make it, etc.) I hope she will start going to meetings again so that she can regain her happiness and regain a chance to stay sober.

My son just called for the first time since he left. It was good to talk to him. He is in Texas. He will know soon when he is going to Iraq. He sounds good. He will have his internet hooked up tomorrow, so I will be able to send him e-mail. I am so glad he called.

I have already started watching CMT videos instead of CNN. I am now Tivo-ing the top 20 so that I can watch it whenever I want. I will have to learn what all those channels I pay each month to receive by satellite are! Like Lifetime, or the Weather Channel, or Discovery... I will find out what they are. I have been a one or possibly two channel person for years. It is a sickness with me and CNN. Sometimes I switch to Fox News (especially after handsome Bill Hemmer went there).

Okay. Now I will do my tenth tradition post. My blog is entitled "Anonymous Alcoholic". I think that is really egomaniacal of me, but I did it anyway. Since my blog isn't named Mary Christine's frolics in the sun, and somewhere along the way says "oh, by the way, I am a recovering alcoholic," I don't think I can really say much other than recovery stuff. A lot of folks stumble onto my blog by searching things like "desperate alcoholic," "how do you know you are an alcoholic," "what do I do if my son is an alcoholic," "abandon yourself to God," and an almost all-time favorite "hungry, angry, lonely, tired." I think I have a responsibility to not be terribly offensive, and to make sure that my blog directs a person to AA. If I also say that I am an AA member and I have been sober by the Grace of God since July 24, 1984, that is good. If I say that AA works, and it is a good idea to not drink, go to meetings, read the big book, get a sponsor, and pass it on - that is good. If there is a link to AA on my sidebar, and a link to the big book online, that is good. There are links to other recovering alcoholics' blogs on the side too.

I talk about my life as a recovering alcoholic. It is not terribly exciting. It is mostly fairly wonderful though. I think we share our stories so that people can see that we just keep coming back and don't drink no matter what. Life can be wonderful in the middle of the worst tragedies and heartaches, if you are practicing these principles in all your affairs - to the best of your ability. I hope I never sound like I think I am the epitome of recovery, because that is surely not the case. But I have been living this way for a while and I like to share about it. I mostly hope that my story gives hope to others.

I have taken off links to blogs that frequently go off on political tangents. I am as political as the next guy, in fact, probably more so. But that is not what I am doing here. This is about recovery from alcoholism, a progressive, fatal illness. If I piss off half of the people who come to see my blog, what good is that?

I probably get close to that line with religion, but I never say WHAT religion I am, just that I go to church, etc. It wouldn't take Einstein to figure it out in about 10 seconds, but I try to keep my sharing on it limited to the fact that it is important to me. It Has NOT ONE THING TO DO WITH AA. If anyone had told me I had to go to church when I got sober, I would have run the other way. That was the last thing I wanted to do, I was sober for almost a decade before I went back to church. Thank God you wonderful people in Alcoholics Anonymous didn't make too hard of demands on me. Just these simple things:

Don't Drink.
Go to Meetings.
Get a Sponsor.
Read the Big Book.
Keep Coming Back. It works. It really does.

The icon is done

If you have time and the inclination, I have posted photos of my finished icon on my photo blog, go have a look.

Saturday Morning

It's my last day of class. I am both dreading and looking forward to this being over. I am extremely tired. It has been good. I hope my icon gets somewhere today. I really despaired over it yesterday. It just doesn't look that great to me. Maybe today will make the difference. Working with egg tempera is an amazing experience. I know this workshop is supposed to be more about the process than the product, but I want a nice product when I am done. That is just the way I am hard-wired!

I will post pictures tonight. Have a good day everyone.

Friday Morning

It is Friday. The sun is coming up earlier. The sun is staying up longer. The birds are actually singing this morning. It is so much easier to feel hopeful when it is spring.

I can now settle into my new/revised life. My sponsor has moved. My son left. The "big event" at the hospital has come and gone (we did very, very well.) I still have two more days of my class. The class is great. It is a wonderful place to be going through a bit of an emotional upset. For one thing, we are silent most of the time. The work is pretty all-consuming. The teacher and the fellow students are wonderful.

Yesterday I was so upset about my son leaving that I found myself doing that jagged breathing that you do when you are crying. Or like little kids and babies do after they have cried for a long time. It is just what I do when I get overwrought. This morning I am pleased to say that I find that I am breathing again.

Life is good when you are sober. No matter what. Thanks to The Grace of a Loving God.

Photo Blog

I just posted some icon pictures to my photo blog. If you have a second and the inclination, go visit...

3/23/06

My son is leaving on one of these today. Last night I told him I wouldn't cry and he said "thanks". I guess I should qualify that and say I didn't cry in his presence. Because I sure have cried. We sat on the floor of his almost empty apartment last night and had chinese food delivered. It was really special. All three of my children and me.

Thank God I am in my icon class instead of work this week. I really didn't understand why this timing has been the way it has been. But I think I understand now. I am with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. So loving and supportive. No crappy, snipey, cheap political crap.

I just spoke with my neighbor for a long time on the phone and I am also very grateful for her. I talked with my sponsor for a long time last night and I am very grateful for her.

I am also grateful for my icon of Michael the Archangel. He is really coming along. Three more days of this wonderful (but exhausting) class.

Thanks fellow bloggers too. I am feeling pretty pitiful this morning.

Wednesday March 22

"You cannot have a spiritual need which God cannot supply. Your fundamental need is a spiritual need, the need of power to live the good life. The best spiritual supply is received by you when you want it to pass on to other people. You get it largely by giving it away. God gives you strength as you pass it on to another person. That strength means increased health; increased health means more good work, and more good work means more people helped. And so it goes on, a constant supply to meet all spiritual needs."
Twenty-Four Hours a Day.

It is Wednesday of my vacation week. The icon class is very intense. There are some very lovely women in the class, some of whom I am getting to know. As an alcoholic who has had a VERY checkered past, it is so nice to just sit with all these "nice" churchy people and feel like I fit in. Oh sure, if I told them all the details of my sordid past I wouldn't fit in very well - but based on the person I am today, I feel very comfortable. Only by the Grace of a Loving God can I have the life I have and be the person I am today.

Springtime in the Rockies

Pretty, isn't it?

The Icon Class is wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I took my camera, but it felt wrong to take digital pictures of a 14th century method of painting, so I didn't get my camera out all day (except for this picture on the way to the class.)

It is extremely difficult to be away from the hospital right now. Harder still to turn off my cell phone and leave my pager in the car. But I have managed to do those things. I spent my lunch break on the phone to work and at least an hour after the class. My boss told someone that he knows that I would come back if he asked me (that is the truth), and I feel better knowing that he knows that. I also found out that my notebooks were very well received and commented on favorably.

I need to get to the class early this morning to burnish my halo. (I can't say that without laughing somewhat demonically.) The clay wasn't drying fast enough for me to get it done yesterday. I think the extra time I allowed it to dry will pay off in the end. I hope.

This is a very humbling experience. It is very intense, but also very peaceful and meditative. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... did I already say that?

3/20/06

Today begins my vacation. My class starts today. I also just discovered that the "Big Event" I have been waiting for at work starts today - really my whole reason for existence at work. It is an unannounced thing - my boss assured me that I needed to carry on with my life and not hold off vacations, etc., for an unannounced event. Whoda thunk it would happen on the one week I am not there? Out of all the weeks that I am? And on a day when no one is going to be on time because the roads are horrible?

I am going to go to my class and try my best to forget what is going on at the hospital. This is going to really be a spiritual exercise. Get rid of my ego and the thought that I am so indispensible to the hospital that I should come in even though I have made other plans. I also left everything on my desk, everything is in order so that others can go forward with what needs to be done. I need to LET GO.

I will now go outside and shovel some snow. And let go. let go. let go. let go.

Winter Storm Warning

I am going to post pictures to my photo blog, it is snowing. There is a winter storm warning. We are supposed to get over a foot of snow. I would love to be snowed in if my class didn't start tomorrow. I hate to sound mercenary, but I spent close to $100. a day for that class and I really don't want to miss a day. I would imagine that if the snow is very bad all over the city, they will make provisions.

I would love to write a book about my visit with my daughter and her family yesterday, but I don't know what the point would be. Today is my precious little granddaughter's 6th birthday. I brought her birthday present yesterday, she loved it. She has gone over to her Grandfather's (my ex-husband) today. I bought them a bunch of groceries, and got them a phone charger so they can at least have a cell phone if my daughter doesn't take off again. I haven't had peanut butter, Welch's grape jelly, and boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese, etc. in my grocery cart for a
l-o-n-g time! It was fun to have lunch with them yesterday.

I feel like crap. I hope I am just really tired and not getting sick.

Morning After

I went to the Morning After group this morning. It was my home group for years and years. It was good to be sitting there. With people I have known and who have known me for years. As I am talking about my children, there are people there who actually remember my kids when they WERE kids. That's more comforting than a plate of mashed potatoes!

Dutch was there. I haven't seen him for years. He was saying that the MFs at San Quentin told him he wouldn't live to 30. And here he is 70 years old, and sober 35 years. He said he can't even tell them they were wrong because they are all dead. He said he will have to tell them when he dies. I miss those crusty old guys. When I said in the meeting that I hadn't seen him for years, he just cross-talked over me and said "you aint goin' to the same meetings I am." The AA I got sober in was so rough and rude and crusty. And I loved it. I miss those good old days with Ed with his knife and Walt with his gun. I was a housewife, but a drunken housewife, and somehow I felt more comfortable with those lunatics than I had felt in years. And Tim spinning records at the dances. And dancing with him.

Did I mention that I have a migraine this morning? Well, I do. I don't feel well at all. All I want to do is go back to bed. But tomorrow is my sweetie granddaughter's birthday and I have to get my present across town to her.

My son is still stuck in Idaho due to weather. I just got off the phone with him. He will be leaving Denver on Thursday and I don't know if I will get to see him after that - for a year and a half. Oh crap. No wonder my head feels like it is about to explode.

Thank God for AA, the fellowship, and the simple things I can do each day to keep me from going off the deep end.

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then." Alcoholics Anonymous p. 164

My Blog! My Blog! Save My Blog!

What the heck is going on with this blog? I am posting right now even though I have no blog. Maybe this post will show up tomorrow, like the one I posted this morning and didn't show up until late this afternoon.

I am now officially on vacation. I spent the day briefing others on what they need to know while I am gone. It was intense, but kind of fun. I cleaned off my desk, and left notebooks full of things that others may need. It felt good to do what I could - and not try to control the universe. I will see how I deal with things should the "big event" occur while I am gone.

I won't get to go to the going away party for my son tomorrow. He is stuck in Idaho. Trying to fly a helicopter back to Colorado. I am disappointed about missing the event. I think it would put a formality to the whole nebulous "my son is going to Iraq" thing. I hesitate to even talk about it. For one thing - I do not care to hear someone use this as their platform to talk about their political beliefs. I am talking about my son, my only son. I cannot rationally discuss a war when I am talking about my only son. I respect him. I respect that he actually wants to do this. I am proud of him. I wish he wanted to spend his life in a library, but I don't get to control what he does as an adult.

OK, this is turning into a tirade. I better stop. It is late, I am tired. But I am on V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N.

hAApy St. pAAdy's dAAy

It is half nAAked thursday, go see the more creative people here.

It is a beautiful day, I just woke up. I got a good night's sleep last night in spite of extremely high winds. Before I feel asleep, I did think a bit about the $1,000 deductible on my homeowners policy. Maybe I should change that.

Yesterday I spent some time on a geriatric inpatient psychiatric unit. After spending some time there, I left with a newfound gratitude for my peaceful office, my high heel shoes, my ability to walk really really fast, and even though my family situation is not the best right now, there is no one who is raving, screaming, swearing, and babbling. Thank you God.

Life is good. No matter what. I better get a move on it. It is almost 7:00 a.m., and I am still sitting here in my boxers and tee-shirt.

Peace and Quiet

Thank you so much for all your prayers. It is almost 6:30 a.m. My house is quiet. My daughter and her family have gone. It was chaos here for 2 days. I have a low tolerance for chaos.

Today I am grateful for the son-in-law I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to my daughter when she started seeing him. I am grateful for the resiliency of their children. They are happy little children. I am grateful that their father has been their primary care giver since they were born - it lessens the tragedy of their mother being out of the picture for now. He thinks she will "come around" after a while more. I don't know that she ever will. I am so angry with her.

I am also grateful for my son - last night he had to go to Seattle, but he called to let me know. And he invited me to the official going away party on Saturday.

I am grateful that I have some good habits of sobriety so that even though my life doesn't *seem* very good right now, I can look around and realize that it is. It is life. Life isn't always a sunny day in the park. I do NOT want a drink and I am more grateful every day for my sobriety and a loving God who takes care of me (and all the rest of his children).

Sunny Tuesday

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, it is supposed to get warm this afternoon. That is all very good. It really helps to be able to look out the window and see sunshine and hear birds. And know I can take a walk if I want, etc.

My daughter came to my house last night. She took a long bath, ate a nice dinner, and fell asleep. She was sleeping this morning when I left the house. She will probably get rested up, and get a bit healthier so that she can do what she does. And that is not a good thing.

One thing I can do is pray for her. And so many others. It seems that there are many people having a great deal of difficulty right now.

Sober Chick has 9 months today. And that is a very good deal.

Snowy Sunday

This morning I went swimming. In the locker room after swimming I had a wonderful conversation with another woman about being women in our fifties. It was really a neat conversation. About letting go of old ideas and coming into our own, being more true to ourselves. I was happy to tell this woman that I have watched her for years, she does some kind of Tai Chi thing and it is really beautiful. She is often there when I am swimming on Sunday mornings and I really enjoy watching her. Imagine telling another woman that! It was kind of neat. I guess that is part of the letting go of old ideas.

My son is coming over later on today and is bringing me his big screen TV. I will keep it while he is gone. First to Texas, and then to Iraq. When he was in the Army (he is now in the National Guard) he was at the fort in central Texas for many years and he didn't really enjoy it. He said he is looking forward to going to Iraq, but dreading another 6 months at that fort. (Once again, I am deliberately writing things so that my blog doesn't come up when someone searches "fort whatever".) Staying in the moment is absolutely essential as I am dealing with this. Left to my own devices, I would be planning all kinds of horrible outcomes, but I cannot do that. Today is a day when he will be here for dinner with me and I will get to enjoy his company. I adore him. He is my only son and he is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, handsome, tall, strong, funny, child-like in a good way, and manly in a good way. I will miss him terribly while he is gone. Thank God for computers and the internet.

I see you!

Your newly red-headed friend Mary Christine sees you! Thanks JJ!
See more photos of my day here

Saturday March Eleventh

It's 7:30 a.m. I just woke up. My morning reading was about joy and laughter. My coffee is delicious. It is delicious to sit here and enjoy it without having to be anywhere. I usually go to a meeting at 6:30 or 7:30 on Saturday morning, but today I just stayed in bed.

I was going to run this morning, but I see it is only 17 degrees. I think anything below 20 is really too cold for me. I may do it anyway. At noon I have a hair appointment. I took an informal poll yesterday about going red. It was almost unanimous - do it! I'll see if I have the guts to do it once I am sitting in my hair stylist's chair with the plastic cape around my shoulders.

"As we work the first nine steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach Step Ten we commence to put our AA way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?" Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 88.

Grief

Now, that's a happy topic, eh?

I went to a meeting of my home group tonight. It was an outstanding wonderful and heart warming meeting. And I cried through it. I tried to remember the last time I cried through a meeting and frankly I think the answer may be "never".

Last week I was griping about the yuppies at this group. Tonight I loved them. A young guy with almost 6 months read the promises. He is a guy with a name like "Chipper" I am not going to say his name because it is so unusual it might identify him. He had on a pastel colored Izod shirt with the collar turned up and his sunglasses propped on his blonde head(everything old is new again). He read the promises with such earnestness, I felt like I was hearing them for the first time. Another lady was celebrating 60 days. God, I remember those days. The good and bad old days.

When I started talking about how much I miss my sponsor, I broke down and cried. I NEVER do that! I just cried. But I was able to say that by the Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I may be sad that my sponsor moved away, but I do not want to drink. I am not considering suicide. I am not acting in such a way that would get me admitted to an inpatient psychiatric unit. I KNOW, deep in my heart, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that it will be just fine. I will be just fine. No matter what happens. No matter how sad I am. No matter if I sit in a meeting with tears and snot dripping down my face.

When you start to really feel things, there is grief, and there is pain. But there is also incredible joy and love. I think there is more joy than there is pain.

I am so grateful to be sober. I am so grateful to have had this wonderful sober woman (my sponsor) in my life. I am also grateful that she isn't so far away that I can't start planning a trip to go see her.

On Awakening

Let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans of the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. (Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book" page 86)

I feel a little creepy about posting some skin this morning when I see that yesterday someone found my blog by searching "fuck mary" YIKES. If it is you, dear reader, no need to worry, I do not know who you are. But that is what I get for putting one of those words in my blog.

Where'd my blog go?

All day long my blog was gone. In the morning I just didn't have time to even think about it. But by the time I got home from work, I really felt like I needed to blog. Weird that something so new can feel like a NEED!

I had a fairly eventful day at work and I really wanted to talk to someone after it was over. I couldn't get hold of my sponsor, and everyone else I called wasn't around. So I went to the grocery store and purchased a T-bone steak and that is what I am going to have for dinner. Anyone who doesn't have an eating problem will not understand what eating a steak has to do with having a trying day, but I do.

What makes me so sad is that this day was actually one for the "win" column. But no one cares. I have no one to "high five" me. And the leadership at my organization is so dysfunctional, I just got on their nerves as I was trying to accomplish something huge today. And I "got 'er done!"

It's OK. I am OK. Every now and then God sees that I have no one 'with skin on' to talk to. I do believe it is a God thing. But then again, what isn't?

It is snowing outside. I am tired. It is a good night to have a steak with mushrooms, baked potato, and a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

Meta-Blog

Here is my blog post about my blog. I got my links done. If I forgot someone, I am hoping that my "blogs that link here" thing will prompt me to remember. I don't even think I like the way this thing looks, and I really debated about fixing this one - or turning it black again and fixing that one. Scintillating, isn't it?

Speaking of colors: I am considering dying my blonde hair red on Saturday when I have my overdue hair appointment. I am sick of looking like a realtor (not that I have anything against realtors). I am wanting to "act out", and I know it. Today, I wore a dark green suit with a pink shell and FLIP FLOPS. And my glow in the dark toenails. I had a "real" pair of shoes to change into if I needed, but I really enjoyed the shit out of walking around in a suit and flip flops.

I need a vacation. I am taking the week of March 20th off work. I will be in my icon painting class - all day long for 6 days. I cannot wait. Hopefully I won't do anything too destructive in the meantime.

Last night I had a very exciting (if you know what I mean, ahem) dream about my former boyfriend. I thought about him all day today. I really miss him and wish he wasn't drunk. He was sober 2 years when we started dating. And sober for 3 years when he started drinking again. I hung in there with him for a year thinking he would get sober again, but he still isn't sober. God Bless Him. I pray for him every day.

How is this for one non-sequitur after another???

Oh #@%$

Taking a page from AAwoken, I decided I needed to lighten up my blog. When I changed the template, there was a little thing that told me I would lose all my formatting. Well, I like to live dangerously occassionally, so I clicked OK. All my links are gone. All my stuff. It is all gone. Crapola. What to do? Keep this garden looking thing? Go back to my black minimal thing? Yikes.

Be careful what you wish for...

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go out for dinner on Sunday afternoons instead of cooking for my son. He comes over almost every Sunday afternoon and I make something yummy for lunch. Sometimes the other kids come. Sometimes it is just me and my son.

Yesterday I told him I want him to take me out for lunch this week. So now it is 11:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, I should be making lunch and instead I am waiting for Kenny to come over and take me out for lunch. I think I much prefer the cooking and the fun involved in that... I really really love to cook.

It is a beautiful day. I got up at 5:00, hurried up and headed out for the pool and swam 1 kilomter. I had the pool to myself for most of the time. I took pictures of the sunrise and (may post them) DID POST THEM on my photo blog.

I am really boring. A friend just called and we talked for a while. She is not boring. She has a lot of chaos in her life, but she is sober and I am glad to be her friend. And it makes me grateful to be boring today.

Bike Ride

I took a beautiful but scary (soooo windy!) bike ride. I took pictures and decided to copy-cat JJ (again) and make a blog just for photos. Have a look at them and let me know what you think.

Saturday Morning

It is Saturday morning. I love Saturday morning. The weekend stretches before me - full of endless possibilities. I am so grateful that today I have my peace and happiness back. This morning I woke up thinking about my blogging friends, and that made me smile. I hope to take a bike ride a little bit later, after it warms up a bit, and I will take my camera. If I get any nice pictures, I will post them.

This has been a challenging week. My sponsor moved away. My stomach drops about four inches just writing that sentence. I talked with her last night. When I called, she was just going into a meeting place. As we talked, she told me about where she was standing and how beautiful it is. She said they are enjoying themselves immensely. I am so happy that this is working out for her. I will have to plan a trip to see her soon. Springtime in the Rocky Mountains really is wonderful.

My daughter is using crystal meth. She once told me that if the pope started using crystal meth, within a week he would be wacking little old ladies over their heads and grabbing their purses. That stuff destroys people. Soul killing. Here are the things I tell myself - God doesn't have grandkids - she is his kid just as much as I am and he doesn't need me to act as intermediary. Where there is life there is hope. There is always hope for her as long as she draws breath. She has had periods of cleantime and sobriety and knows in her heart that those times are better.

And then there is the fact that her father is involved in her life. He has the time and the means to help her much more than I can. It is also his nature to get in people's faces and tell them what to do, which I find very very distasteful.

The bottom line for me is She is An Adult. I cannot spend my life whirling in the orbit of her chaos. I refuse to do that.

I have a good life. I have been sober, by the Grace of God, since July 24, 1984. I live in a peaceful, quiet, pretty home. I work very hard, but I love my job and I find it very satisfying. I am in relatively good health and I am blessed with a love of the outdoors and physical exercise. I am grounded in AA. I have many groups I feel at home in. I have many people I have known and who have known me for years and that means so much to me.

An old friend used to call them "good habits of sobriety". When you develop those, as life happens and it deals you whatever it deals you, you won't be rocked off your foundation. It will be strong. You will be OK, and you will know in your heart and soul that you will be OK - no matter what. You all know what they are, they are not rocket science. But here they are:
Don't Drink.
Go to meetings.
Read the big book.
Get a sponsor.
Give it away to keep it.
And I would add, get a sponsor who will take you through the steps. It should not feel like torture. It is not easy, but if it is grueling and horrible, something is wrong. Do All of the Steps. Ask God every morning to keep you sober and Thank Him at night. Really do the 10th and eleventh steps every day and that way things won't start to pile up on you.

OK, here is this from the big book (p.121) as somewhat of a disclaimer:
"We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may have seemed to lecture. If that is so we are sorry, for we ourselves, don't always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based upon experience, some of it painful."

The sun comes out again...

Thank you so much for the lovely comments yesterday. I was really feeling awful. Today I wake up and have hope in my heart again. I haven't talked to my daughter so I don't know what is going on with her, and I am deliberately trying to take care of myself - not her. But for today, it is 6:59 a.m., I just woke up minutes ago... I actually heard birds singing this morning!

Yesterday I found out that I got into the Icon Painting class. I am so excited about this. I put in my leave request for an entire week off work to go to this class. I'll have a lot of work to do at work to get ready to take a week off, but I can't wait to go to this class.

I went to a meeting last night. It was sad to realize that my sponsor wouldn't be there (since she moved on Saturday). It was a really good meeting which was nice because I have been thinking about changing home groups again. I got sober in a rougher part of town and I got used to bikers and truckers and cowboys and strippers and prostitutes. Here we have a bunch of people in suits and "business casual" and I am the only one who says "fuck", etc. in the meeting. I don't mind the difference in socio-economic group, but I don't like the prissiness of the new group. My sponsor used to call some of the women in the group "the platinum ovary" girls. Meaning they got sober and suddenly were pure and saintly.

Okay. I have done my reading and meditation, and now my blogging, and I need to get in gear and get bathed, groomed, dressed, and out of here! It is going to be a good day.

I feel like I am a hundred years old...

Yesterday my daughters celebrated their 27th birthday. Or should I say, one of them celebrated and it would be a matter of your perspective as to which one. One of my twin daughters is a college graduate with a good job (in the same building as me, which is wonderful), the other has decided to go back to her old ways with crystal meth. This is my worst nightmare.

The whole family has been through this before with her. She had been clean for about 6 years. Now she isn't.

This morning I am old and I am tired.

Update: I just got an e-mail from my friend who said this "She is a good person, she will get sane again. That is not a platitude, its just that what ever is bedevilling her, she always overcomes it in the end." Somehow, since this friend has known me and my kids for over 21 years, it really means something to me.

Searches

I just checked my site meter and thought it was very ironic that someone found my blog by searching for "misspelled word". Last week I deliberately misspelled a word so that my blog would NOT come up for the term I was typing. Someone also got to my blog today by searching "Australian Lingo homegroup." Wow.

I went after work tonight and signed up for the class I am going to deliberately misspell again... the Icon Wrriting Class. I may not be able to get into it, there are only 20 spots. But I brought my check for the payment in full in hopes that I can get in. I am so excited about this. I want to make paintings of Saints with golden halos (how do you pluralize halo?)

Tomorrow is the birthday of my twin daughters. I am in the process of baking a chocolate cake for that event. I will make pizza tomorrow after work. This is what they asked for.

I am thrilled that my daughters are even in my life today. At one point, I not only lost custody of them, but there was a time when there was a restraining order prohibiting me from even seeing or contacting my children at all.

Life is very very different today. Thank you God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (that means YOU!)

Springtime in the Rockies

OK, it is only February, but it is 5:35 p.m., and still light outside and it is 64 degrees! Sixty-Four Big Fat Degrees! It is heavenly out there.

Sunday Evening

The kids just left. All three kids, one son-in-law, and two grandchildren. It was a lovely afternoon. I made barbequed ribs. I made too many barbequed ribs. When my daughter came in, she threw her NA key chain up on the kitchen counter - it felt fairly significant, even if staged, but no one said a word. I talked with my son-in-law for a while as he was sitting outside smoking. And I talked with Megan for a while as she sat using my computer. They are doing better. They are planning on staying together. The kids seemed to be fine - I am really relieved.

I went to a great meeting this morning. I took a painful but good anyway bike ride after the meeting. It was the first time I got back on my skinny tire bike after my accident last August. I was a bit afraid, but I think I will get used to it again.

The weather is gorgeous. It is 57 degrees now at almost 5:30 p.m. I don't know how warm it got this afternoon, but it was wonderful.

Tomorrow I will go back to work. I am grateful for my job - even if I don't always like it lately. I am grateful that my back isn't hurting as bad. I am grateful that my kids and grandkids are OK. I am grateful that they will all be back over here on Wednesday night for my daughters' birthday. I can't believe that my little baby twin daughters are going to be 27 years old. I am so grateful to say that I got sober when they were 5 years old and they don't remember their mother being drunk. What a miracle that is!

What a difference a sober person makes

Having just bid my sponsor and her husband farewell, and having spent almost a whole day with them, having had a house full of sober alcoholics last night, and a few here this morning, having had Peter (the fellow shadow on my profile picture) drive me home from the spot on which Maureen and Tony embarked on their new journey, sitting here already on the edge of tears....

I read about AAwoken's challenges, and his love for his wife, and I read about dAAve's challenges and his devotion to his mother; I am just dumbstruck with gratitude for the program and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous.

As alcoholics, we are "problem people", I put that in quotes because it is something that Marc up in Washington used to say all the time. We are basically fuck ups, sorry, that is my own terminology - (see JJ? I really do cuss like a sailor!) We are people who normally hurt people and don't show up and don't do what we say we are going to do, and we do what we say we will never do. And for some of us, by the Grace of God, and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, somehow we get sober. And little by little, day by day, we start to be people who don't hurt others. We start to be people who show up and do what we say we are going to do. We also don't do what we say we aren't going to do.

In our families, we end up being the people who come through when Mom or Dad are sick. We end up being the people who understand the wife or husband who is having terrible problems. We end up at work being the person who others can talk to. We end up being the neighbor that the other neighbors just inexplicably gravitate towards.

I can't help but think that the world is extraordinarily better for the couple of million sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am so blessed to count myself among you. Thank you and God Bless Everyone of You.

Thursday Night

I came home from work today because my back is totally jacked. I woke up that way and then went out and ran, thinking it would get better. By the time I was driving to work this morning, I was actually yelling in my car it hurt so bad. I had a couple of meetings this morning that I didn't want to miss, so I went to work anyway. One of them was so bad, I left in tears. Trying my hardest to get to my office before I started sobbing. I managed to do that. Closed my office door and just wailed. Jesus. I still had another meeting to go. I managed to get through that one without crying and then came home. I was in bed (thank God for a heated mattress pad, which is like a huge heating pad) all afternoon.

Tomorrow I sincerely doubt that I am going to work. I hope to be able to get my back to calm down over the weekend. My sponsor and her husband are staying here tomorrow night. Then they are hitting the road. I am sincerely happy for them because I know they are happy about their decision to leave Denver. I am very sad for me because they will now be 300 miles away. I will visit them. In these days of cell phones, I can call just as much as I do now. But I won't see my Maureen once or twice a week, and she will not be just up the street.

I am extremely grateful that I have had the same job for 11 and a half years. They know me and know that I am not a wack case - so if I act like that for one day, it is not life threatening. I have an abundance of accumulated sick leave if I need it. I have good insurance and a good relationship with my primary care physician.

And most of all, I am grateful for a woman who has been my sponsor for over 11 years - over half of my sobriety. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. She is kind, and tough, and foul-mouthed, and prayerful. She is incredibly spiritual, and has both feet planted firmly on the ground. She is soft-spoken and sometimes has gravel in her voice. She is childlike, but is embarking on her retirement. She and I have gone head to head and argued and even yelled, but she has always told me she loves me and I know that she loves me, and I have always known that I love her, and told her so.

How can you ever ask for more than that?

HNT

getting
ready
to
take
a
morning
run.

Icon

There is an Icon Wrriting class in March that I want to attend. It is six full days. They don't call it painting, because it is not supposed to be a creative process... more of a transcribing process. You learn to make egg tempera and pigment, and gold leaf and it sounds so so so cool. But it is very expensive. I could do it, but it really would be my vacation. No trip to Puerto Rico. I could probably take a vacation somewhere "domestic" later in the summer, but the big trip would be off.

My sponsor says "do it," my sponsee says "do it," but it seems strange to me to take a week long, very expensive class, instead of going on a tropical vacation. Not that I can really schedule the tropical vacation because that thing at work still hasn't happened.

It is too freaking cold outside to run this morning. Maybe I will go to the pool at lunch time and swim laps. Yeah, that's it. That's what I'll do. Now what about the Icon Wrriting class? (I have deliberately misspelled the term because I don't want my blog to come up when someone is doing a search on this topic.)

Tulips

This is how my tulips look now. I admire them for springing up through the ground when it has been below zero.


This is how they looked last year. I am anxious for spring to come. This has been a long winter.

Presidents' Day

Happy Presidents' Day everyone. Today is like this: I slept until 7:00 a.m. - really really late for me. I took a nice 2 mile run. I am home from my run. I need to get out and about and purchase a few things that will make my sponsor and her husband's stay here on Friday night nicer.

My daughter says she wants to come over today, but she told me that yesterday. She went home and slept all day instead. I am glad she was home anyway.

My son is packing up all his belongings to put into storage for his upcoming deployment. First to Texas for 6 months, and then to Iraq.

To escape, I went to see "Brokeback Mountain" yesterday. I didn't expect to like it much, but I was surprised by how much I disliked it. I just thought it was so sad. Missed opportunities, broken hearts, and dishonesty.

I am not in the best place. I am so sad that my sponsor is leaving. I am so sad that my daughter is being so awful. I am fighting fear about my son leaving.

Being somewhat practiced in living by the principles of AA, one day at a time, not picking up a drink... I know what to do. What I will do is pick up the phone and call someone who is really struggling. I am not really struggling... I am just facing life on life's terms, which isn't always pleasant. But there are those out there who are really struggling with their inner demons. Thank God that is not me today.

Minvera!

Insists on looking at Daave's blog every single day! I don't know WHAT to do with her.

What's the point?

It is a rather morbid Saturday Morning. It is ice, ice, ice cold outside, so I didn't go to a meeting as I usually do on Saturday mornings. I cleaned my guest bedroom so that my sponsor and her husband can stay here next week - on their last night in town before they move. I am so sad about them leaving. I am making Boston Baked Beans for their going away party tomorrow. That's what they asked me to bring. If it were up to me, I would have made a festive cheesecake, or baked a fantastic bread, or something more fun than a stupid pot of beans. I am sure the beans will be good though. I soaked them all night and they will bake all day today. And with enough molasses, anything is good, right?

My daughter is out running - not a morning run, but you know, "running." Her husband is at home with the kids and their phone is disconnected. Shit. Shit. Double and Triple Shit. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I was doing some of the same stuff when I was 27 years old, like she is. But this is not about me. For now, I am butting out because her step mother is on her way to get her and they are going to have a family meeting. She is a lawyer and very good with figuring out what to do and managing others... something I need NOT to do. I will be standing by to hear how I may or not be involved in any future planning.

In cleaning out the guest bedroom, I came across years of accumluated stuff. I put out some pictures of my parents, a cute picture of me and my dad with matching hats, pictures of me with my kids when they were little, etc. I don't want to sound TOO morbid, but it really has been a good life. Amazing what happens when you stay sober, one day at a time, as the months, years, and decades accumulate.

There is heartbreak where there is joy. When you allow yourself to love someone else, you open your heart to pain. But I can be grateful to be fully alive and able love and feel pain as well as joy.

4 degrees

But with wind chill, it is -5. Five Degrees Below Zero. That is cold. It is supposed to snow later today, and there is still frigid snow on the ground, and on the street. I am not running outdoors today.

It is Friday and I have a three day weekend ahead. I was going to take today off so that I could have a four day weekend, but I have too much to do. I will try to make today an enjoyable one at work.

7:00 p.m. Update: It is -1 degree. -17 with wind chill factor. It is freaking cold. I went swimming after work, which was wonderful. Then I went grocery shopping. (scintillating, isn't it?) When you step outside, you can feel the snot in your nose freeze up. It is really, really cold. I am writing this for the benefit of certain people from Puerto Rico and Houston who long for winter.

Shoveling Snow

Shoveled the snow in my driveway this morning. It is 16 degrees outside. Very stimulating. I wish I could run, but that stuff is extremely slippery. I am grateful that I am a responsible homeowner today.

Busy Day

It was kind of a hard day at work. I don't want to go into details, but it was hard. People were upset and crying. I am glad I can be a listener and hopefully a helper to my colleagues. When I was drinking, it was always about me, I never could have listened to others and tried to be of help to them. I am grateful that I can do these things today.

I didn't even have time to write anything this morning. I had a nice run and got dressed quickly and got to work.

Can I ask a question? I am thinking of changing the name of my blog. The "Anonymous Alcoholic" may be a little too close for comfort to sounding exactly like "Alcoholics Anonymous". It gives me the creeps how many people arrive at my blog through searches that are obviously driven by a need for help. Then they get to my blog and I may have pictures of my flowers, or my bandannas, or it may be half nAAked Thursday, etc. I almost removed the blog after the first entry I put on it. I had the creeps then about seeming to be posing as THE anonymous alcoholic, like I am the paragon of sobriety. As anyone who has read this for a while knows, I am just a person with many flaws - but I happen to be a member of AA, and sober, by the Grace of God, since July 24, 1984. Any thoughts?

Happy Valentine's Day

There is a nice history of Valentine's Day on Daave's Blog . We have a nice tradition at work... for a fund-raiser, we sell flowers. So in the days before Valentine's Day, we buy these cards, and write them out and return them. Today they will be attached to flowers and delivered to their intended recipients.

I also usually get 2 dozen red roses from my former b.f., I doubt that I will this year. And that is OK. Last night the man at the tanning salon gave me a package of Peeps hearts. Oh YUMMY. Pure sugar. I love it and it was nice of him.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Update: These are the flowers I got at work today. It is a happy thing. I love flowers.

Monday Morning

On this Monday morning, I am glad to be getting back to work. I had a nice weekend and I am looking forward to a nice week. My son and daughter came over yesterday and we had a nice spagetti dinner and sat and watched "Mythbusters" all afternoon. It was great fun. Here's a picture of the clogs - as promised to Aawoken. I wish I could wear those shoes every day, they are so comfortable.

Here's a non-sequiter: I spoke with my ex-husband (on the phone) on Friday night. He is in Los Angeles for 6 months - he normally lives somewhere in Asia. I was happy to get a call from him. But almost immediately, he threw one of his zingers at me. Right after "hi, how are you, what are you doing, etc." he asked "so, how long's it been now since you have been back on the piss?" I asked WHAT? because, for one thing, I have forgotten his Australian lingo. The other reason I was incredulous was that in AA we NEVER joke about drinking. We laugh about everything, but never do we joke that we are drinking, that we might drink, that we did drink - these are not jokes. So, my ex said that he was joking. I told him immediately that it was not funny. We went on to have a conversation for over an hour. We even talked about meeting somewhere to have lunch.

But on Saturday morning, all I could think of was that ridiculous question he asked me. And I don't want to see him and I haven't returned his calls. He was abusive when we were married and he is still the same person. I do not want to see him. I will have to call him to tell him to stop calling me. I don't even want to talk to him.

I still don't know how I ever left him... with nothing but a backpack. But I thank God every day that I did. I always have the hope that I can remain friends or at least on amiable terms with all the people who have been in my life. But I think after all these years, I can just say that this one will not work out in any way, shape, or form.

Tag Again

Others are doing this one, so I will too.
Four jobs I’ve had in my life

• Cleaning Houses
• Flipping Burgers
• Writing Professional Liability Insurance for lawyers (before I had a nervous breakdown)
• Medical Records Director at a Hospital

Four movies I can watch over and over

• Miss Congeniality
• Fargo
• Raising Arizona
• Sound of Music

Four places I have Lived

• Poland, Ohio
• Abbotsford, British Columbia
• Sedro Woolley, Washington
• Denver, Colorado

Four places I have been on vacation

• East Hampton, New York
• Key Largo, Florida
• Martha's Vineyard, Massachussets
• San Francisco, California

Four websites I visit daily

• rockymountainnews.com
• denverpost.com
• marychristineg
• many websites I need to visit for my work

Four of my favorite foods

• sushi
• vietnamese noodle bowls
• cheesecake
• big, juicy, blood-rare steak

Four places I would rather be right now

• On a Beach ANYWHERE warm
• Floating in a clear blue-green ocean
• On the Amtrak in a private room
• In an AA meeting at my old home group

People I am tagging: The hAAlf nAAked ThusdAAy bunch.You have already done it!

Tag! You're it!

From Trudge:
-Worst Job I Ever Had: Counter help at an AA club - it was awful!
-3 Favorite Childhood Toys: Any baby doll, little bunk beds for my dolls, the little quilts that went on the bunk beds.
-College I attended: Regis (Jesuit) University, Denver, Colorado
-Ethnic Heritage: English, Irish, Scottish, Dutch, Welsh, German
-Father’s Occupation:Mechanical Engineer
-Mother’s Occupation: Insurance Claims Adjuster
-People I am tagging: Anyone who reads this blog!

Snowy Friday Morning

It is 18 degrees and there are a couple of inches of snow on the ground. Which is as it should be in Colorado in February. The last couple of days have been so nice and warm. But the nice and cold and snowy is good too.

I have a quiet day at work to look forward to. I think I will go swimming after work. (It is time for the triathlon training to begin in earnest.) There is a meeting tonight at 7:30, where my friend Ray is celebrating 34 years of sobriety. I went to that meeting last week and it was good to be with a bunch of people I have known for many years.

Last night I went to a good meeting and had pizza with my sponsee. It was nice.

Do I sound like a broken record? I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful for my life today, no matter what is going on. I am grateful that I can fully participate in life today. Or like the 12 & 12 says (loosely paraphrased) a neighbor among neighbors, a friend among friends, a worker among workers. And a blogger among bloggers? I am grateful for this community of sober bloggers.

Running with no hAAt

That spot of day-glo green is me, running away, with no hAAt on!
It was a beautiful sunrise this morning. And a beautiful run. And I thank God I am sober to see it and experience it.

My bandannas

Yes, they are ironed. The yellow one is new, and has not yet been used or washed. I cannot find my pink or lavender one.

Unique and Priceless

"For, to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and new-found faith and hope. And, as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love-without strings, without obligation-we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless."
Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd edition, p. 312
Just like an alcoholic to feel BETTER after a funeral, huh? I went to Eddie's funeral this morning. It was terribly sad, but incredibly wonderful too. There were so many people there. Even the priest made a comment about the fellowship of AA and how many people were there. They also let us say the Lord's Prayer as a closing instead of the way it usually is. We all held hands and said "keep coming back" and then we all laughed - because it was so crazy to say that at a funeral.

There were so many people I hadn't seen in so long. Former lovers, many friends I had lost touch with, a couple of old sponsors, even my drunken former boyfriend you have all heard me talk so much about. We were all kids together. We were kids when we were already supposed to be grown ups, but we grew up together because we got sober together. Most of us there were around 20 to 25 years sober. Some older, some newer, some not even sober (like my former boyfriend).

Eddie touched a lot of lives. He never gave up on people. He never gave up on my former boyfriend - even though every one else has. There was another guy I sat with at lunch, he is from my new home group and he didn't know anyone else there. I asked him how he knew Eddie, and he told me that Eddie saved his life in the last year as he has been going through a divorce. Eddie was relentless. And he helped a lot of people. I am honored to have known and loved him.

If you are new to AA, please keep coming. The relationships you make in AA are unlike any others you have ever had. I kept thinking about the big book quote I put on here. "For to these people, I am TRULY related." I would have never chosen these people to be in my life, but God chose them for me, and they are infinitely better than anything I might have dreamed up for myself. Thank God for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

headache

I still have the migraine. When I get them, they usually last for 3 days. Sometimes only 2. I went to bed last night praying for 2 instead of 3. Maybe it can be 2 and a half?

I am going to go into work for a couple of hours and then go to my friend Eddie's funeral at 11:00. Unless there is something big going on at work, which I don't anticipate, I will come home from Eddie's funeral instead of going back to work.

I had a teeny headache when I woke up yesterday. Then it blossomed into a migraine. By yesterday afternoon, I was reduced to laying on the sofa, watching ridiculous TV and crying. Anyone else see CMT's Cowboy U? Imagine watching that and CRYING!?! Crying does not help a migraine, but I couldn't stop.

I still have the migraine. I didn't go to church. I didn't go for a swim at 6:30 this morning like I planned. I am so grateful that I didn't make any plans for watching the Super Bowl.

Saddy Mornin'

I slept late today, which I consider a minor miracle. A nice thing. It is 8:15 a.m., and I am sitting here in my jammies. Drinking coffee. Reading blogs, writing mine. Considering my plans for the day. Have already asked God to direct my thinking, asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.

Yesterday I went on a bit of a shopping spree. It is hard for me to do this. I have a bit of difficulty with money. Right now I am fine, but I need to be careful not to drift back into debt.

So, I bought the above dress. I tried it on last week and it looks really fabulous. Well, then I realized that I have no shoes that would look nice with that and I went out to purchase a pair of "Keen" Mary Janes. But when I tried on the Mary Janes, I thought they looked a little wacky on a 54 year old woman. So I purchased a pair of Dansko clogs. Which will look a little wacky with a little dress, but I wanted the Danskos. Because I have plantar fasciitis and they are supposed to really help with that. And while I was at REI, I purchased a travel and fitness towel... and a bandanna....

OK I will stop now. No one reads my blog over the weekend, so I guess it is safe to just do this rambly, rambly stuff.

A Good Night's Sleep

is what I got last night. It is almost 7:00 a.m. and I just woke up! Although I could say that I need to get to work, etc., I am going to sit here for a moment and savor the cup of coffee and to contemplate what an honor it is that people actually read this!

I went to a meeting at my home group last night and then went for pizza with my sponsee, her partner, and my sponsor. It was really nice. It is good to be with people to whom I feel such a deep connection.

Here's something from my morning reading:
"But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child-our own two eyes. All is a miracle."
Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness

I need to wAAke up!

See my pals over at half nAAked thursday
I am not awake. I truly need to drink this coffee. And get to the gym. And get to work. I hope this Groundhog Day isn't like the movie.

Wednesday Morning

Grateful for:
A beautiful sunrise as I was running this morning.
That orange, pink, blue, lavender, and red are a lovely color combination on God's pallette.
Stiletto heels, they feel so dang good!
A silk skirt - I am so sick of wearing suits!
Old Friends and new friends.
Sponsor and sponsees.
A beautiful life as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.